I'm really not sure where to begin, but here goes. My youngest daughter is driving me crazy. She is a very intelligent 22 year old, in college, working two part time jobs. She is very health conscious. She lives at home with me and her step father. The only bills we have ever asked her to pay are her car payment and insurance. She does not pay rent, utilities, food, cell phone, or internet service. I even give her gas money for her car because she says she does not make enough. She had hard teenage years because of an illness that it took the doctors 5 years to finally diagnose as TMJ, but that now seems to be under control for the most part.

She is very physically fit and materialistic. It is still "all about her". The problem is, I cannot even speak to her without her flying off the handle and yelling. She doesn't think I should ask her questions about anything... even what her plans are for the day. I have begun to dread getting up in the mornings if I know she will still be there because I know that there is going to be a fight before I can even get out the door for work. I honestly don't even know what sets her off sometimes. It was a cup of coffee this morning because she said I drank HER coffee that was in the coffee pot because she doesn't drink the coffee my husband makes because it is half-caff. But I pay for whatever coffee was made. She freaked. She says I never do anything for her and that I take her for granted because she always does things for me.

I admit she does do some things she is never asked to do, but so do I. I work two jobs which amount to about 60 hours or so a week. She says I never listen to her and that I need to learn how to focus because I don't pay attention when she does talk. She says I never spend any time with her, and let me say, we both work and half the time when she isn't working, she is at her friends house for days and doesn't even tell me she is going, which is fine, she is grown. But to expect me to drop everything when she decides she has time to spend with me instead of trying to coordinate our schedules is too much. She thinks that when she is talking, no one is supposed to interrupt her or say anything, but she doesn't do the same. She will even tell you to stop talking. I know I have a lot going on, but I do pay attention when she talks, I'm afraid to even say anything to her most of the time because I don't know what reaction I will get.

She complains that she wants to move but can't because she doesn't have the money and doesn't think it is fair that she isn't able to live her life the way she wants to, in another state. She talks down to me and tells me I ask stupid questions and should learn to pay attention. Her best friend she says is always talking about his own stuff and it is always about him so she wants me to listen to her talk about her issues when I am at home, which I do, but apparently not to her expectations because I am always criticized for "not paying attention". She freaked a few days ago because my husband ate 2 pieces of bread out of the bag she normally eats because "she doesn't eat regular bread".

I am so tired of the drama and fights. I just want peace and quiet. I know there is no way she could support herself on her own right now, but I am at my wits end.

I'd lay down a new set of house rules... and spell them out to her. Its your house... you get to decide what they should be. She has to follow them.

You don't really have to toss her out at this point... but it might help if she thinks it's a real possibility. She is after all an adult... and living there at your good graces.


Apparently she thinks she's an adult and can do anything she wants whenever she wants... fact is unless its her own place and she's supporting herself... she can't.

I'm guessing she's been getting away with this for quite some time.

Whatever happened during her teen years is the past... and doesn't intitle her to be a self indulgent pain the butt as a young adult. I'll use adult very loosely as she's not acting much like one.

I'd set her down... say what's past is past... but today there are new rules if she is to continue living under your roof... and they are to start being followed immediately and in the future.

And spell out clearly what you will and will not put up with and why...

I would definitely give her a brand new written contract for residency. A much stricter one for this ungrateful disrespectful snot. She signs it or leaves in 30 days. She should only get away with what you allow, and you seem to allow a lot. I don't allow my kids to yell at me in THEIR house. Why do you?

I had to look up TMJ, I don't know if anyone else did. It is a joint disorder of the facial muscles. Are you sure she hasn't been having a recurrence of this disorder, would you notice it if possible. This would be devastating to a young lady if so.

The repercussions to her social life would be immense if someone didn't know what was going on!

No Tickle... I personally did not look it up. I don't give a free pass to adults old enough and with the mental capacity to know better. If it had been a psycological imparement I might go easier. After college when she moves out on her own... others won't be as gentle as family or friends. Best she learns that before the time comes. Thats a difficult enough adjustment to make as it is. At 22 it can't be that far off in the future.

Temporomandibular joint dysfunction - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Quote:

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Persons with TMD have a higher prevalence of psychological disorders than people without TMD.^[38] People with TMD have been shown to have higher levels of anxiety, depression, somatization and sleep deprivation, and these could be considered important risk factors for the development of TMD.^[7][38] In the 6 months before the onset, 50-70% of people with TMD report experiencing stressful life events (e.g. involving work, money, health or relationship loss). It has been postulated that such events induce anxiety and causes increased jaw muscle activity. Muscular hyperactivity has also been shown in people with TMD whilst taking examinations or watching horror films.^[7]
Others argue that a link between muscular hyperactivity and TMD has not been convincingly demonstrated, and that emotional distress may be more of a consequence of pain rather than a cause.^[32]

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Maybe there is a medical component behind her behavior in which case should be addressed by a medical professional before taking disciplinary actions.

The Tmj is under more control now than it has ever been. So I don't see that as relevant really. It is painful but not an excuse for this behavior. Believe me I have been there through the years and this isn't it. Had another conFrontation tonight because she says I am not giving her my undivided attention on my only scheduled night off this week. She doesn't think I should ever multitask when she is speaking. I just don't get it. My husband is happy just to"be" in the same room. Why is it she always thinks I'm ignoring her if I do more than one thing at once? I just want to relax but never can and she tells me tonight about problems with her boyfriend. I give her my advise and she doesn't like it and if I say I really don't know what you should do she says of course you don't you never do. I'm at my wits end. Can't win for losing.

She's in for one hell of a harsh lesson in life when she leaves... nobody is going to go as gentle on her as you have been thus far.

You need to lay down the law... its your house and its your money... your legal obligation to house and feed her ended when she turned 18... maybe that is something you need to make clear to her when you lay down the new rules of the house she will be following. She might actually think its her house when its not... the day she turned 18 she legally became a tenant... not a co-owner. As such you are well within your rights to charge her rent... and file for eviction... as she is technically there just like any other person you might rent a room to... on a month to month lease.

I honestly think she feels its as much her house as it is yours... and she can do anything she wants and that she is equal to you.

None of which is true... Its not her house, she is only a tenant there despite being a daughter, and being you pay the bills and own the property, you are not equal, you are her superiors.

You have to lay down the law or this will never stop. She's walking over both of you and you have let her do it. She does it because she's been allowed to get away with it thus far.

Both my parents would have done anything for me and my brother... they would have given us their last dime if we needed it... and we have no doubt about their love for us... but if either of us had pulled that crap... we would have both been thrown out on our butts in the middle of a snowstorm.

Rule #1 in the house was you WILL respect your parents.


If I was the father...she would have a size 11 shoe up her butt right now for that sort of behavior towards either me or her mom. As my parents would have done to me.

If its all her and not you then she has to go. You could try full attention instead of multi tasking and she how she responds, or instead of advice listen and ask her what she wants to happen. Does she multi task when you talk to her?

Your sentences here reek of submissiveness and passivity. It really does seem that you allow her to walk all over you. I understand that she is still in school, but it's time to sit down and work out a financial plan (in writing!) for her to be gone after school is out this spring. Jot down some ideas before you talk to her so that YOU set the tone. There is no reason for her to be broke when you contribute so much and she has some job income. It doesn't compute. She is being spendthrift somewhere. There are usually dorm rooms for rent for cheap during the summer, even if this is her last year.

She's 22, in college, and works two part-time jobs. With her joint condition under control, she seems to be living an independent life already.

She comes and goes as she pleases, sometimes she's gone for days; she makes her own choices, and seems free to do so, no matter who is standing in her way, right down to 'her' food and 'her' coffee.

The only thing wrong with this situation is that she is not yet on her own. I would say tough house rules are a long ago possibility because of her age. To lay down rules now with a 22 year old, would only have her leave. (might not be a bad thing), except you would most likely allow her back, or continue to support her.

I would have her leave- period. Have another adult with you- a sister, minister, family friend, etc. and sit at the kitchen table, and tell her that you have decided it is time for her to move out. She has the skills she needs to be independent and you are holding her back by not allowing her to make her own path in life.

There are loans and grants available to assist with school, and her college can also assist with housing (perhaps a dorm), as well as counseling, medical care, and support to help her become independent. She can make her own choices in that regard, as is likely quite capable to do so. She has friends that are no doubt more independent than she is, and she can seek their help and guidance.

She is not likely to end up on the street, or end up being hungry and without options.

You are actually doing more harm than good right now, in allowing her not to grow up, and take responsibility for herself and her own life.

My advice would be different if she were 17, but she is an adult now.

If it is you who is having the most difficulty with accepting she needs to move on, then I suggest you get yourself into counseling, and gain some confidence in doing what needs to be done.

In the meanwhile, my opinion is you would only be adding to the stress in your home by insisting on rules that aren't likely to make any lasting, positive changes.

As joy said: " There is no reason for her to be broke when you contribute so much and she has some job income. It doesn't compute. She is being spendthrift somewhere."

And I know I am like a broken record on these type posts, but don't ever rule out substance abuse of some kind, in these types of circumstances. Sorry.

Thank you all for your advice. I appreciate it and have some changes in order for her whether she likes it or not. Like you said, she always has the option of moving out.