I'm a masculine acting homosexual male in my early thirties. I was straight before and then realized that I was homosexual at which point I broke up with my girlfriend at the time and realized I wanted to be with men and was more attracted to the male body rather than the female body. Many people are unable to tell that I am gay. I have come out of a bad relationship about a year ago. It was very verbally and emotionally abusive. I'm happy I ended it, it took a toll on me and stressed me out. I have a great career and very fit. These issues caused some insecurities with my ex-boyfriend. He was jealous that I made more money and went to the gym to stay fit. I tried to help him get ahead in life but he simply didn't want to work for it. When it ended I felt very free and happy. Although I was lonely breaking it off helped me get over that relationship quicker

I recently started a relationship with an older attractive man that is married with children. He's bisexual, I never thought I would ever be in this position before. This has been going on for months. He still enjoys sex with his wife and myself. He is scared for her to find out in which case she would take him for everything he has. I thought it would just be something fun and only happen once or twice we can't stop seeing each other. Now we have expressed that we have fallen in love with each other and I'm not sure what we should do. He will not leave his wife, which I agreed he shouldn't do, due to his kids being too young. He's treated me like gold never did my ex treat me this way. He's such a sweetheart to me. Hence why I think that is why I was a little vulnerable when we met. I've never had such an attraction to someone before. We have amazing sex, I've never experienced it like this before and we click very well. We do other things like go to the gym together, shop, go out for dinner. We are able to talk about anything I have been completely honest with him about my feelings. He's even said that if things were different he would be married to me.

I'm scared of how we will both get hurt emotionally and so is he. I need some advice in this situation. We don't want to stop seeing each other but I can't see this going on for years either. Could anyone give me any advice?

This will probably seem harsh:

I understand you have been a bad place, but that is no reason to put yourself in one that is even worse. You may not see it that way, however, it is.

He isn't free to be yours in any form or fashion. He is married and still living the life of a married man. He appears to be telling you that he is not in an open relationship where his wife knows and consents to extra-marital relationships. He tells you he is scared of her finding out, but from what you say that isn't how he is behaving. You go out to dinner, the gym, shopping, have sex, etc. and you think his wife doesn't at least suspect he is more than friends with you.

Either he is fantastic liar when it comes to his wife and she is afraid to question him or she knows and you are being played. We already know he is lying to someone. Why should his wife and mother of his kids be the only one he isn't truthful with?

How many times do you think he has played this game? Find someone vulnerable and get them involved then somewhere down the road they walk because he isn't free or he sends them packing because 'his wife suspects something.' He isn't looking for a commitment with you. He is looking for a distraction from his everyday life. You are expendable, an option, in his life. His family isn't.

Have more respect for yourself than to stay in this very unequal relationship. Leave him alone. Get rid of all contact information for him. If you have a professional relationship with him, keep it strictly business. Otherwise, have absolutely no contact with him.

Love yourself more than you think you love him.

Bad idea to mess around with a married person... male or female, gay, straight or bi. They are wrong doing it... and you aren't any less wrong than them. Put yourself in that spouses shoes... how would you feel if it was you that was being cheated on? Just think...they are doing it to someone else....they will do it to you too.

I am afraid that what I will write here is not something that you want to hear. Although I'm pretty sure you already know that the situation you are in is difficult and the answer you seek might not be the one you want hear but something you should hear.

I think you got out of one abusive relationship and jumped into another. It may not seem like abusive to you but what your boyfriend is doing is emotionally abusive to you and his wife. He is taking advantage of both your feelings by keeping you both. He might be the most wonderful guy and the sex might be mind boggling but at the end of the day he's still being selfish. He's only thinking of himself and what is good for him. If he really loves you, he would choose you regardless of the financial consequences that might follow. He is married with very young children. He will always choose his children and his family over you. If he didn't love them that much, he would have left his family for you by now. I think deep inside you know this but you are afraid to admit it.

You deserve better. You do not deserve to be someone's second choice and someone's dirty little secret. You deserve to be with someone who will put you in a pedestal and give you all the love, support and attention that you deserve.

My two cents :)

From one gay dude to the other - you are in the process of creating yourself a world of hurt for you down the road. You both are going to hurt many lives when this comes out. And it will come out. Sometimes doing the right thing hurts, but you really need to do the right thing here. You are obviously thinking about it because you came to askmehelpdesk.com for advice.

You need to set your standards higher and be with a man that can give you 100% of himself and you can return it as well. Anything less than that is unacceptable. That can't happen with this man and may never happen. So unless you are content with being a fling for a long time, move on. Yes it will hurt but in the long run it is the best thing.

Does not matter if gay, straight or somewhere in between. The man is married and he is not free to date.

If he wants to be gay, and date, he needs to divorce his wife, so he is single to date.

You stop seeing married people, and find a relationshiop that can work

You must be pretty needy to be in a friends with benefits thing with a married liar, and cheater. You know the temporary feel good will get you long term misery and pain but you do it any way. Just like any junkie, just got to have that fix, knowing it will hurt you bad.

The solution is the same, quit the habit with or without some help.

The man is a liar on many levels and has found a way to have his cake and eat it too. What he is doing to his family is just awful.
You have jumped form the skillet ( an abusive relationship) to the frying pan. Both are painful.
Leave this man alone. This is a lose lose situation.

I know what I am doing is wrong, I never wanted to be in this situation that being said it's been trying for me. I know he will never leave his wife for me and have never been under that impression. He was honest with me from the beginning about his relationship status. I never thought I'd be that guy who gets into an affair. He's said he's very confused and didn't think he'd be in a position that he actually would have feelings for another man. I wasn't his first so I think he's in conflicted state right now it's always been something fun on the side for him, never filled with emotion or serious. It's only been a few months but we've had a crazy connection. I've never felt that before with anyone that's makes everything worse. Cat1864 I don't think you're being harsh at all I understand what I am doing is shameful and not good for anyone involved. I feel guilty for hurting his wife and children. I asked for advice and got it thank you for being honest. It's not anything my friends haven't said already but I wanted to get outside opinions pertaining to my situation. I know he isn't behaving in any way of being scared of his wife finding out.

He never gets worried when we're out in public so maybe he isn't being completely honest about the whole situation with his wife. He says he loves his wife and I believe him he's never put her down in front of me. We don't work together. He could be a fantastic liar or his wife doesn't want to question him. It's been a few months now. You're right he could leave at any point if his wife got suspicious he'd cut me out of the picture or blame me. At that point I'd be very hurt. I don't want that to happen. He says he's very careful and wouldn't get caught.

Smoothy I know what I'm doing is wrong I never posted this to have anyone tell me what I am involved in is right at all. I'm not perfect I have made many mistakes in my life. I'm just looking answers. I would not like to be cheated on and have thought about what I am doing is helping him cheat. If I was with him the truth is he probably would cheat on me too. If any relationship ever did take place it wouldn't last with him I know that.

KatyJ I think you're right I did get into one and jump into another one. I know it's something I want to hear but I need to hear. I am seeking answers. I never thought about it that way I guess he is being abusive to me as well as his wife. He's said that he's being selfish himself he knows what he's doing. He's also said that he never wants to hurt me and that if he ever did it would upset so much. Maybe he doesn't love me I guess if he did he would have done anything to be with me regardless of the financial consequences he would incur. I know that he would never leave his wife and children for me. That is something I've already admitted. I don't want to be a second choice to anyone at all. I know I deserve better but sometimes it's hard to truly know that.

Oliver2011 Great to get another gay man's perspective. I know what I'm doing will hurt at whatever point down the line. I know I've created this for myself and have no one else to blame. I really hope it never comes out I don't want to the reason for breaking up their marriage. I've been thinking for a long time. When we first met I didn't know I would ever have feelings for him. It would be so much easier if I didn't. I know I have to set higher standards for myself it's just been hard to meet a decent guy in this city. When we met he was so nice to me. I'm not content at all that's definitely the problem. I know it will hurt and I'll hurt him I'm just scared of the emotional fallout for both of us.

Thank you all for your advice. I really think I do need to talk to him and stop this affair. I know it won't be easy and I don't want to but I think you're all right I NEED TO at this point. I want to be happy and with someone that can treat me fairly and honestly. I probably will be heart broken but it's what's best right now.

We've all made mistakes in our lives, I can make that blanket statement with confidence. I like to joke that they crusified the last person who didn't make mistakes a little over 2,000 years ago. What separates some people from others is recognising and learning from their mistakes... so make the decision to set yourself apart from those who don't and continue to make them.

please do understand the value of family... realize what nasty thing you are doing with your precious life which god has given u .

You have made a wise decision and I hope you follow through on it.
This man is a liar. You say you are not the first for him, you don't know how many times he has done this not only to his wife and the other men.
I think you are his current boy toy. Leave him alone so you will be open and free to meet someone who you can love openly.

You know I learned a long time ago to not beat myself up over mistakes. Mistakes are there to learn from and make us better. The decision that you have made is one that will make your life better in the long run. Trust me, the things you don't want to say about your boyfriend are:

1) He's a cheat;
2) He's a liar;
3) He's married;
4) He's not giving me 100%.

That is what you have. You want to say the total opposite of that.

In many ways I am a lot like you. I am very masculine and was married with 2 kids. I decided one day I couldn't keep living a lie. Don't put pressure on yourself that you have to meet Mr. Right soon, tomorrow, next week, etc. It will happen when it happens. And trust me dude, when it happens it is amazing.

Good luck and if you need any help just holler.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by lovebadtiming

Oliver2011 Great to get another gay man's perspective. I know what I'm doing will hurt at whatever point down the line. I know I've created this for myself and have no one else to blame. I really hope it never comes out I don't want to the reason for breaking up their marriage. I've been thinking for a long time. When we first met I didn't know I would ever have feelings for him. It would be so much easier if I didn't. I know I have to set higher standards for myself it's just been hard to meet a decent guy in this city. When we met he was so nice to me. I'm not content at all that's definitely the problem. I know it will hurt and I'll hurt him I'm just scared of the emotional fallout for both of us.

Thank you all for your advice. I really think I do need to talk to him and stop this affair. I know it won't be easy and I don't want to but I think you're all right I NEED TO at this point. I want to be happy and with someone that can treat me fairly and honestly. I probably will be heart broken but it's what's best right now.

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I know it's difficult not to, but don't beat yourself over this mistake. The important thing is that you recognize your mistake and you are trying to resolve it. It hurts and it will hurt but you know you have to break it off. You have to let go.

Don't do it for him or because people told you to. Do it for yourself. You deserve better.

As Samantha (from Sex and the City) says to Richard, "I love you but I love me more"

I hope you have a good support system of family and friends as you face this difficult decision.

Good Luck! :)