I am in complete turmoil. I have been married for twenty years and we have been so very happy until two years ago when I got a gambling addiction. In the time this happened we lost our house, due to the gambling, lost a lot of money. My husband supported me for a long time. In January 2013 I got attacked by a drug addict and I lost all my confidence and did not go out of the house for five months. I started to get my confidence slowly back but the pressure and tension all this put on my marriage was immense. In August we decided I would move to my mums for a while to give us some space and sort our heads out. We actually worked together so saw each other every day, which on some days was difficult, but other days OK.

A few weeks ago I found out that my husband had got a "friend" that was part of a new group of friends he had become aquanted with. She is fifteen years younger than him, and the group started going out clubbing and partying. My husband kept saying they were only friends and he would not do anything other than friendship whilst he was still married and he would not do anything to hurt the kids (17yrs and 18yrs). I was devastated by the fact that this "girl" has come into his life.

Then just before Xmas she plastered it all over "facebook" that she was in a relationship - with my husband! Photos of them and comments. I am in complete devastation to say the least. Believe it or not he is now staying at her place all the time and he has had no contact with me for two weeks. He has given up his good job to do "nothing". I just don't know what to do. Friends and family say he is having a midlife crisis and she is just there to hide all the trouble we have had in the past few years.

Could this be a "rebound" relationship, or could he be really wanting to be with her.

'he is having a midlife crisis' - I'd call it a lot more than that.
'she is just there to hide all the trouble we have had in the past few years' - I suspect that it hit him that he has sacrificed his life, his savings, your home, everything for you, and he wanted something for himself.
You have to accept the fact that you pretty much brought it on, regardless of how far you have come now.
Whether or not he comes back to you is something not even he knows. It doesn't matter what you 'name' what he is doing now.
All you can do is sigh and keep working on your own life and children. You have no right to feeling wronged, in my opinion.
The kids may be late teens but are very vulnerable to how each of you acts, so they come first.

I respect your opinion, very much so. I got help with my addiction and I do not even buy a lottery ticket because I feel guilty. We had a fantastic friendship, companionship, we were sole mates. I know I have destroyed him with my addiction, but I have sought the help and come out the other side.

I can't judge what he is doing but given the events of your past he seems to be grabbing for something other than the misery you both have been through. No one can say what happens next or even in a week, but whatever is going on, make sure your own healing comes first to recover from your own mistakes of the past.

I know it sucks that he is having such a good time while you are suffering. But it often happens when addiction leads to such destructive levels.

I want him to look beyond all the problems and remember the person I was before the addiction.

You actually have to be a better person, and that's going to take time, so realize the hurt of the past is still very fresh to you both. Most addicts fail to acknowledge the damage they have done to the ones they love, or the fact they cannot always be forgiven, because of their actions during their addictions. You cannot expect to wake up from your nightmare and say oops, sorry, let's start over. That's some stinking thinking after kicking someone in the guts for so long. Rebuild yourself before rebuilding anything else, and focus on your kids, who have suffered with the adults.

It's a very long process so get busy, and talk to someone who has been there and listen to them. You do have a sponsor and a support group don't you? Get one if you don't ASAP, and learn the proper way to recover. No short cuts, sorry, and LALA Land is no longer an option. Forget the person you were, and build the person you need to be.

I have realised what I have done and I am paying the consequences. I love my husband with all of my heart, but unless you understand addictions you would never understand how they take over your lives. I want him to see I am the woman he married again and we can rebuild our lives together. My addiction is a thing of the past and surely we could build the trust and love again if I was given the chance. Don't forget we have been married for twenty years. It's a long time to turn your back on.

In a way, you have both cheated on each other.

You don't just 'get an addiction' as you said. It happens gradually, over time, and involves a lot of lying and deception. Your cheating was with gambling, as it was the gambling relationship that ruined your lives. Please don't ever downplay the destruction it caused.

The plus is you did get help you say, and during that process, you should have learned something about what caused it, and the damage it did to your husband and family. It is an addiction like any other addiction, and requires a tremendous effort to learn enough about yourself, in order to change, and never go back or relapse to that destructive place you were in. And the knowledge to recognize triggers, and situations and how to handle them when you do start thinking about gambling, and gambling behavior.

It is hard for those who were on the sidelines to understand that. Not much time has passed between then, and now. You have been separated for about four months now. What has happened to the two of you as far as getting help- maybe marriage counseling? Are you attending GA or any support group, or what are you doing to show that you continue to get help, in order that stability can return to the lives of your family.

What were the circumstances with getting beat up by a drug addict? Were drugs a factor in all of this? It isn't unusual for addictions to include drugs and/or alcohol.

While you were slowly getting your confidence back, what the heck was going on in the lives of your children? Are they getting help, having lived through a parent having an addiction, both parents being separated, and now a father who is living with another woman?

If the two of you worked together, maybe he quit his job to find something else on his own?

It is sad to see problems on top of problems for you, yet, no talk of resolve, counseling, reconciliation, how the kids are coping, etc. Only you wondering if she is a rebound, and that you are devastated.

I'd say the devastation is taken in equal measure by all four of you. I'm not sure you see that.

I am not sure that anything can fix the marriage. Gambling was the catalyst that ended it, but as I've said, you don't just 'get an addiction' like you get a cold. Something happened before it, and devastation followed it. You lost your home, and probably much more. You were lucky you had your parents home to go to.

Maybe what you are seeing in your husband now, is he's moved on and decided that he cannot get over what has happened. His life was destroyed too.

Everything was wonderful you said until you 'got an addiction', and you want things to be the way they were. That may never happen, and perhaps you too, should look to your future with the resolve to be strong, independent, and self supporting. At least for the sake of your children.

I worked with Substance Misuse Service for 11 years and a service user that I had worked with for many years had a outburst due to not being able to have the medication he required from the doctor I worked along side. I was the one that was in the firing line and got attacked. My work had nothing to do with my addiction. It started with myself and my husband going on - online slots - he got fed up with it and I just kept going. It got out of control and it took over my sanity. I have had therapy for my gambling and myself confidence (due to the attack). I have come out the other side and I now work in a complete different field of work and like I said I don't even buy a lottery ticket through guilt. I know I have a lot of bridges to build, but I just want him to acknowledge how much I have done to make this right. I understand his devastation. Our kids are more upset with the split, they understood the addiction, and they supported me through it all. They now feel that their dad is just finding a replacement for the upset. They are so upset he is with another woman and they say they will not accept her due to them thinking it's a rebound relationship from our marriage. She at the moment is offering a hassle free, fun life, but unfortunately we have years of history and happiness that she cannot replace. With her being fifteen years younger than him, is giving him a release from the hassle we have had.

Thanks for that answer.

I don't know your husband's perspective on all of this, or how or why he has decided to give up on you and his family. It seems to me that 20 years of marriage and now recovering going on, that the worst is over- so why did he go. I'm sure you wonder the same thing.

He hasn't talked to you for a few weeks, while this other relationship is going on. Has he contacted the kids at all? Or they, him?

All you can do is what I said before. Keep up with support, and gain back the strength and independence you need, should the marriage not work out in the long run. He may, after time, like you said, realize what he has given up, and want to come back.

Should that happen, I urge you to set some boundaries with him, and work slowly. Arrange marriage counseling right off the bat. Without the insight you need, and the space he needs to express his own turmoil, regret, etc. things may very well simmer, and history could repeat itself. Both of you have to know what the goals are, and how to achieve them. I have seen miracles over the years, and if two partners are willing put in the hard work, things can work out very well.

I do understand the nature of the assault you suffered. I too, had a similar experience and ended up in hospital with broken bones. I never went back to that particular job, and it took months to recover- with counseling I'm not ashamed to say. Even though I am a counsellor. Sometimes plumbers just can't fix their own taps.

I'm sure it took courage for you to come here, and I hope you keep talking. There are so many good people in this place that can help. You aren't alone, that's for sure. Keep posting.

In the meanwhile, I can't express enough that your children need support too. A fracture has occurred in their lives also, and it will take time to heal. Now that you know where your husband stands at the moment, and that there is another woman involved, you also know he could have managed his problems differently.

His choices too, are yet to be determined.

I would give it some time.

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Originally Posted by isitjustme69

I have realised what I have done and I am paying the consequences. I love my husband with all of my heart, but unless you understand addictions you would never understand how they take over your lives. I want him to see I am the woman he married again and we can rebuild our lives together. My addiction is a thing of the past and surely we could build the trust and love again if I was given the chance. Don't forget we have been married for twenty years. It's a long time to turn your back on.

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I am a recovering person myself, and have been where you are now. I know the difficulty of rebuilding.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by isitjustme69

I worked with Substance Misuse Service for 11 years and a service user that I had worked with for many years had a outburst due to not being able to have the medication he required from the doctor I worked along side. I was the one that was in the firing line and got attacked. My work had nothing to do with my addiction. It started with myself and my husband going on - online slots - he got fed up with it and I just kept going. It got out of control and it took over my sanity. I have had therapy for my gambling and myself confidence (due to the attack). I have come out the other side and I now work in a complete different field of work and like I said I don't even buy a lottery ticket through guilt. I know I have a lot of bridges to build, but I just want him to acknowledge how much I have done to make this right. I understand his devastation. Our kids are more upset with the split, they understood the addiction, and they supported me through it all. They now feel that their dad is just finding a replacement for the upset. They are so upset he is with another woman and they say they will not accept her due to them thinking it's a rebound relationship from our marriage. She at the moment is offering a hassle free, fun life, but unfortunately we have years of history and happiness that she cannot replace. With her being fifteen years younger than him, is giving him a release from the hassle we have had.

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You cannot control his thoughts or actions no matter how much you want to change his mind. You can only control your own. Sorry whatever his reasons for being with someone else at this time, they are HIS reasons, and right now he wants what she offers, like it or not. Only time will tell if he honors the history, and wants to rebuild the bridge that was torn apart against his wishes.

At this time you have replaced one addiction for another, from gambling, to getting back what you had. Dwell no more on HISTORY, but watch where you are going from where you are at. Baby steps, instead of giant leaps. Been there, done that, and there are no CURES, just a life time maintenance program.


I know, not what you want to hear, nor gets you what you want. Sorry about that.

You are right about finding the courage to come on here, but I needed an independent view on the situation. With family and friends they just see what's going on in front of them. When I left to give him space, my son stayed with is dad at the house as it was easier as my son was settled in his home and job. But after about five weeks my husband decided he could not live in the house because it gave him too many horrible memories of arguments and upset, so he gave up the house and moved in a flat above a public house with my son, as it was a cheap option, £250 pm inclusive of all bills. My husband is the football team manager of the pubs team so it was convenient. This for an 18 year old son, was perfect, above a public house, yeyeye! As they were living there that's where my husband got a new circle of friends, which is understandable. This is where he met the new person. Baring in mind we were still working together at this time and we were OK, but then the odd days were difficult, due to me being upset all the time and remorseful. I showed too much emotion to him and I think it was too much for him. The flat that they lived in had no heating or kitchen facilities, so they were living on take away's and just had a heater in their bedrooms. It was not the ideal place to live for people that had a lovely home. Then two weeks ago I found out that my husband had been staying at this girls house some nights and then I found out my son also stays there. The girl (so I have been told) is more in my sons mental age group than my husband. She is a party girl, like going out all the time and getting drunk. I believe this is what my husband has also been doing. Which is not him at all, he likes a social drink like most, but he is getting legless. My daughter lives happily with her partner so she is settled, but my husband has not been intouch with her at all, so that is confusing me! The only contact she has had with him is if she texts him and he gives her one word answers. She has done nothing wrong so I don't know what's happening there? She is so upset, because the photos on Facebook, she says it looks like her dad is with his daughter, and he is not bothering with his blood daughter, so you can imagine how she feels. Really my son has decided to just switch off from it all. When my husband left his well paid job £460 per week take home, I just cannot believe he would do such a thing, but that was the last time I saw him. He gave his works mobile back to our boss so I have not got any way of contacting him anyway. He has given his new phone number to our children, but I have not asked for it, due to respecting his choices.
As a married couple we have always battled through lifes obstacles, like most couples do, but he has had so much pressure from my problems and also work problems, but he has just switched himself off from the life he had. Can you see why I am confused and broken.

Of course I greatly sympathize with you, and your confusion, and being powerless. Your world has changed. Reaching out is a great first step.

>Cyber Hug<

Can someone please reply to my last post, I am so confused!