Ask Me Help Desk - She said lets be friends

A month of rollercoaster rides is finally over. She said lets just be friends today. I am still in shock... It really hasn't hit me yet. I don't want to be friends. Friends means she wants me to be in her back pocket till she needs me. Am I wrong to not want to be friends. I love this girl but its all or nothing! I would go running back if she takes me! We never really fought, I was always good to her, and would do anything she asked. But for now I am just going to chill and let her come back to me. I know she gets jealous of other girls talking to me. I also can look in her eyes and see she cares. Think it truly is over?

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Originally Posted by brew49411

A month of rollercoaster rides is finally over. She said lets just be friends today. I am still in shock... It really hasn't hit me yet. I don't want to be friends. Friends means she wants me to be in her back pocket till she needs me. Am I wrong to not want to be friends. I love this girl but its all or nothin! I would go running back if she takes me! We never really fought, I was always good to her, and would do anything she asked. But for now I am just gonna chill and let her come back to me. I know she gets jealous of other girls talking to me. I also can look in her eyes and see she cares. Think it truely is over??

No I don't think it is over to be honest with you. She really doesn't want to be just friends. She obviously still cares about you but doesn't know it yet. She's confused and doesn't know what to do. That's why she said let just be friends. Something happened. She either has another boyfriend, she's really confused and doesn't know if she likes you that way or not, or... I don't know, she has issues that she doesn't want to talk about. Hope things work out.

If your not ready to be friends with her, then I would recommend keeping your distance as you have for the past month or so. If you get involved as a friend, your going to end up hurting yourself...

What happens if she does just want to be friends? If you stick around as a friend, with hopes of something more, and it doesn't happen - you'll be destroyed. You know you would be.

I'd say your best bet is to stick to yourself and healing. If she decides she wants you back, you will be over her and able to make an educated choice, clear of emotions. If she doesn't want you back, you will be healed and able to be friends with her... if you so choose.

You said yourself "I dont want to be just friends", and no... there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. She told you she didn't want to be with yo uwhen she broke up with you, so you have ever right to say you don't want to be just friends. She should understand that its very painful for you to see her, and not be her girlfriend.

The problem with being friends is that, as you know, it means you are still "there for her". You are still emotionally available, and even attached... since you aren't going to go looking around at others as long as you "still have a chance"...

Now, I'm not saying be her enemy.

But she doesn't have your best interests in mind. She's thinking of herself. The no contact rule is generally a good one because we aren't very disciplined to do the in-between. That is, whatever you choose, you need to set some boundaries that are acceptable to you and stick to them.

What would you accept if you were to be friends? For a month? For forever? The two shouldn't be too much different, because if they are then you are just calling it "friends" when you really are still into it for more.

So... nobody can tell you when you've had enough. Sometimes its worth a little extra time and potential suffering to know that it just isn't going to work out, and that you gave it that little bit extra at the end.

I did that... but I did it wrong. I gave a little, and then more, and more time went by. And then a year later its still screwed up and you are no closer to getting over the girl. That's what I did. One time. Never again after that.

So, you get to choose what to do next. No contact. Some contact. Whatever. Sometimes its worth hanging on a little to see what happens. But you need the self discipline to walk away with your pride intact. She might come back around... I think its rare, but it can.

Just don't be her "girlfriend"... you know, the person who she confides in and talks to in order to feel better. And don't be a "butler"... the person who works his arse off to try to make her happy.

Not your job.

Some lessons you have to learn the hard way. I did. Maybe you do too... or maybe a little more time, say a couple of weeks of minor contact, isn't too much to give up.

But in the end you don't want her to tolerate you. You want her to chase you down cause she needs to be with you.

And less contact will let you know whether you are under her skin or in her pocket.

Friends... Crap... I to would go running bac in a second. Right now I am trying to fugre out my plan very similar to your but much more complicated kids and divorce. MY advice is ot leave it alone, be cool say hi but don't contact ourside of the physical presence of each other.. The only thing that would would happen right now is continued games. Let it die down, if you see her out and about you can say hi but no initiation of relationship on your part. Let her reach out.