So I met this guy in 2007, problem was he was engaged to someone that he was with for nearly ten years. I knew him because my brother in law worked with him and he would come over to the house with and without his fiancée. I was extremely overweight. Nearly 400 pounds, but this guy was wonderful and attentive to me. We flirted back and forth but it was innocent.

I had gastric bypass surgery in mid 2008 and the weight just poured off me, and I gained a new confidence. The guy was giving me more attention, I knew it, and did not care about the other girl. She was nice, but not really a friend. She ended up having a hysterectomy in 2008 and he left her during the recovery. I felt bad regarding how it was done, but happy because I was really starting to fall for this guy. He told me he had feelings for me, and we fell in love. We moved in pretty quickly. There was a lot of drama and hurt feelings between his ex and his family as they did not agree with the way things went down and she would not get out of his life by being around them. We kept our distance.

I later found out from her that he cheated on me a few times, and I was ready to break up with him when he proposed to me. We were married in 2010 and although I am happy, I notice that he is always staring at his ex and I question him if he still has feelings for her, he says no. He talked about her all the time, but it has lessened. We are now all cordial to each other. But I later found out he was texting women when I went out of town for a little while. He told me it was work related, but my phone bill says it was at 2 or 3 in the morning, so I am not dumb. I threw him out of the house for a few weeks, let him back in, and he resided in the finished basement for a few months but I let him back in my room. I still don't fully trust him, but we love each other and he is obtaining therapy sessions regularly.

He recently confessed to me his mother molested him at a young age and that is why he has issues with staying faithful. I am a nurse and I believe him. Can he be cured or am I waiting for something that will never happen?

Whatever improvements he makes will likely take years of hard work. Will he be cured of whatever his problems are? Who knows?

Is he being honest and truthful? I have no idea but for sure he has issues with the way he treats people can we agree on that? Will he do it to you? 50/50.

Cured? I don't know if that is the right word if you are talking about the relationship. He either loves you enough not to cheat or he doesn't.

A mother molesting her son has got to be the ultimate in betrayals - although you can just about put any negative word and it would fit there. If you are talking about "cured" here, I think you mean healed on so many levels. That is doubtful. He can learn to cope and survive, but I am not sure there is enough healing that can take place for that one.

I do know that this is tough, I refuse to give up on my husband as I believe in the sanctuary of marriage. This is actually my 2nd marriage. My first husband passed away due to a drug overdose, and before that he was dealing and doing drugs. I stayed with him because I loved him. I thought my current husband would be the one for me. I am not so sure now. I am having a hard time fully forgiving him for all he did to me. I am financially stable, work hard for everything I have. I brought a house and put him on the deed and the mortgage. He is always looking at other women and our sex life is non-exisiting. I guess I am at a cross road as to what I should do.
Is this my Karma for contributing to the demise of his previous relationship? He was with the ex for ten years and they never married though, only got engaged. My husband and I married after a year and a half of starting our relationship. I am so confused as to what to do.

It's no wonder you have confusion, doubts, and regrets when you have given your heart to first a seriously flawed addict, and then to a fellow that was married and you carried on with him behind everyone's back. You see how he treated his ex of 10 years and you still took this guy in and gave him all you have, as if the answer to lying and cheating was to get married.

You call it Karma, I call it bad decisions on your part. Now you have too unravel the mess of your life and do better. Comes down to what you want to do. What is that? Is this fellow even worth further risk of your happiness? If you cannot forgive the past (you will never forget) and move ahead to the future with him, then you need a plan that gets you away from him.

Think on it and make a decision which path you want to go on, based on facts, and not just feelings. That's how you end your confusion.

He was not married before I was. He was just engaged to that girl. She could not make him happy the way that I have. So read what I say before you come back with rudeness. I am looking for friendly advice not disrespect.

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Originally Posted by littleprinces38

He was not married before I was. He was just engaged to that girl. She could not make him happy the way that I have. So read what I say before you come back with rudeness. I am looking for friendly advice not disrespect.

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Advice that you don't want to hear is not disrespectful advice. I agree with what he said.
You make him happy so that he cheats on you? You make him happy so that he takes drugs? You make him happy so you have no sex life? I don't want your definition of happy if that is the case.

Reread what he wrote. It makes sense.

OMG! My first husband took drugs. The current husband is unfaithful. Do you guys even read people's questions, or do you just like to pounce on people.

READ what I wrote before you put your two cents in Oliver

What would be a friendly respectful way of telling someone that they give their hearts to flawed troubled losers that they knew were flawed troubled losers before they gave it to them? You didn't learn your lesson the first time and repeated your mistake so why is that disrespectful, or unfriendly?

I apologize if you think that's harsh, not intentional, nor was hurting your feelings. You did choose them. If they chose you, then you should have run like hell. Maybe you should still run like hell, or at least protect yourself better.

Well its too late to go back, I can only move forward from here. I just do not know what to do. I appreciate your apology. But like you said what should I have expected by what I had to work with. Same instance here. Its not like you are professional therapists, merely scorned men and women who think they have all the answers. My mistake for even coming on this site.
Thanks for enlightening me.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by littleprinces38

He was not married before I was. He was just engaged to that girl. She could not make him happy the way that I have. So read what I say before you come back with rudeness. I am looking for friendly advice not disrespect.

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They were together for 10 years and she couldn't make him happy? Why didn't he just say so, instead of stoop to lying and cheating.

If you have made him so happy why was he lying and cheating on you?

Why not just admit you already know/feel this way already and get with truth, and not just hide behind respectful and friendly?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by littleprinces38

Well its too late to go back, I can only move forward from here. I just do not know what to do. I appreciate your apology. But like you said what should I have expected by what I had to work with. Same instance here. Its not like you are professional therapists, merely scorned men and women who think they have all the answers. My mistake for even coming on this site.
Thanks for enlightening me.

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Scorned - not me. I am in the best relationship of my life actually. I am not sure about the other unappreciated volunteers that have taken the time to answer you. My mistake for mentioning the drugs. I knew I read it but forgot during answering that it was your first husband. You didn't deal with the other things I said - you just got mean and nasty for the drugs comment. It always cracks me up when people come on this site, ask a question, then try to control what answers they get back.

Then what are you slumming then if you are so happy in your relationship? It always kills me when people think they know what they are talking about, but they just like to hear the sound of their voice. Get a clue.
Yes Talaniman, I pretty much know the answer to those questions. Thanks for taking the time to at least offer some knowledge.

How long has he been in therapy? Has there been any discussion of Marriage Counseling?

Frankly, unless he is actively seeking help and putting energy into working through his past, I would be concerned that he is using it as an excuse for bad behavior. It almost seems like it came out of thin air to guilt you into not kicking him out for good.

I understand that you have been through a lot with him and with your late husband. They may be different men but they and the respective relationships are symptoms of a woman who has been looking for love everywhere but in herself. I hope you are learning how to have a great relationship with yourself. The feelings of security and love begin inside you and should be enhanced by your relationships.

You had a slip in one post that I think may say more than you think. "... I believe in the sanctuary of marriage." A sanctuary is a safe place. Your marriage doesn't appear to be the calming safe haven of a sanctuary. I do think it can be one, but it will take a lot of work, energy and communications on both of your parts.

If he is having a difficult and emotional time in therapy then he may seem distant emotionally and physically at home. Opening up old wounds can cause some people to retreat into themselves. This is where understanding, patience and support on your part come in. However you need support for yourself because you cannot depend on him for it. Friends, family, support groups, hobbies/interests, etc. that allow you to vent and recharge without adding to his issues can be a big help. Remember, though, that being understanding doesn't mean you let him get away with treating you like trash.

It also means setting aside the defensiveness and listening to what the people you are asking for advice (here or in person) have to say. The advice given may sting raw nerves but no one wants to see you hurt. I know I would love to see you in a stable and healthy relationship with yourself and whomever you choose as a partner.

I sincerely wish you a better future than your past appears to have been.

Thank You Cat. He has been in therapy for about six months, at my insistence. We will begin Marriage Counseling, but he needs individual counseling for a bit as well. I too am dabbling in finding a therapist for myself.
I do have issues with my esteem, as you can imagine with my morbid obesity. When I had the surgery it transformed my outer appearance but did little for my inner being. I realize that the people I let in my life have not always been the best, but I do believe in my husband. I hope he can live up to what his potential can be. Thank you for the kind words.

Littleprinces38: There does seem to be some co-dependency going on in your marriages. When children are molested they are usually more promiscuous as adults, but its HIS choice to be unfaithful and it's a cop out for cheating on you. Maybe he has a sex addiction, if so, you should run like hell. You said you love each other, I think his version of love is screwed up. You have to decide if you want to live like this and decide how happy you want to be. I'm not scorned or a therapist but you deserve to be happy and this doesn't sound happy