Hi All,

History repeats itself.A little bit of history about me, I was in a 8-9 year relationship that didn't survive the test of time and we broke up about 4 years ago, I did the whole NC thing and survived.

So about 2.5 years ago I started dating this other girl. Everything was great, the only problem was her parents had issues with me (different religion etc etc) and were against her marrying me. At the start of the relationship we used to live in the same state but I moved due to work and we did the whole long distance thing for 1.5 years,I recently moved back to the same state my girlfriend is in, a month ago and she asked me for some time. I hesitated, kept on saying no, our relationship started deteriorating to a point where every conversation was a fight. I gave in and gave her, her time. Anyway long story short she wanted time to talk to other guys to please her parents and to make up her mind that I really was the one.

It has been 20 days since this whole thing started, I haven't had any form of contact with her, she asked for 40 days so there is 20 more days to go.

What should I do? Move on, accepting that this relationship is over? Wait and 20 days later expect the worst?

I still have her on face book, and she probably needs to be taken out of my friends list. Any thoughts?

I have been keeping myself busy with other thing but every now it starts getting to me, so here I am venting.

Thanks for reading

Other than the parents/religion thing, you didn't give us much to go on. There has to be more to this story. LDRs are difficult under the best of circumstances. Maybe she considered you moving back as not a good homecoming.

Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Come to think of it, there was always this argument about me not loving her enough, not cuddling,hugging while sleeping.She had been asking me to move back for a very long time, but the job situation would not allow me. When her parents were here,we did meet, she thought I handled the situation pretty badly with her parents. I thought I did okay.She makes substantially more money than I do, that might have a part to play in it.

But I don't think there is any value to be thinking about these things right now, I can analyze them when I am in right frame of mind. For right now I am having a tough time deciding if I should move on and not worry about the 20 days?

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Originally Posted by Dare81

Come to think of it, there was always this argument about me not loving her enough, not cuddling,hugging while sleeping.She had been asking me to move back for a very long time, but the job situation would not allow me. When her parents were here,we did meet, she thought I handled the situation pretty badly with her parents. I thought I did okay.She makes substantially more money than I do, that might have a part to play in it.

But I don't think there is any value to be thinking about these things right now, I can analyze them when I am in right frame of mind. For right now I am having a tough time deciding if I should move on and not worry about the 20 days?

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Well there you go. More info is helpful. Why pick 40 days? Why not 30 days or 3 months? Did the 40 days coincide with something? What is going to be decided after those 40 days?

She has given you some feedback on what she values in a relationship. It is up to you whether you implement them. Relationships are give and take. My partner loves to cuddle while we sleep. Me not so much. But since it is important to my partner then it is important to me.

Go out with friends, get some exercise, do something you have been putting off, etc. These will help you clear your head and move forward.

Sounds childish, 40 days is the agreement with her mom, that she will "talk" to other guys within the same religious denomination and if it doesn't work out there, then her mom will be okay with her marrying me, Her mom's point being she is just a little too infatuated with me, hence she cannot see that are better options for her out there.That is the official story but I am sure she is not a 100 percent too, hence the break.

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Originally Posted by Dare81

Sounds childish, 40 days is the agreement with her mom, that she will "talk" to other guys within the same religious denomination and if it doesn't work out there, then her mom will be okay with her marrying me, Her mom's point being she is just a little too infatuated with me, hence she cannot see that are better options for her out there.That is the official story but I am sure she is not a 100 percent too, hence the break.

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Wow that is a tough spot to be in for both of you. My mind says that you are both adults and capable of making your own decisions. But I shy away from giving advice when it comes to religious denomination differences because I am not up to speed on those. If her parents support you getting married at some point, kill them with kindness.

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Originally Posted by Dare81

Sounds childish, 40 days is the agreement with her mom, that she will "talk" to other guys within the same religious denomination and if it doesn't work out there, then her mom will be okay with her marrying me

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In the Bible (if her family is Bible believing), 40 days is a major time span for several major Biblical events, like the Great Flood and Noah. Maybe her mom thinks 40 days is a significant number. (just musing here)

When I was 20 or so, I was told I couldn't marry someone I had dated for five-plus years. Had I married him anyway, I'm guessing there would have been years of bad feelings that resulted -- bad feelings between my parents and me for my having decided "against" them and bad feelings toward the young man and his family for now being linked to our family. Holidays would have been disasters. Grandchildren might have mended the wound somewhat, but they too could have added to the relationship mess.

I said all that because you can't just look at how things are now and maybe in the immediate future, but also must consider the next five years and even the next 25 years of being married to her. Will her parents eventually accept you? If not, how can you make peace with them? (and you WILL want to be allowed into the family circle for the greater family good)

Did you agree to the 40 days? I hope you didn't. Seems she controls pretty much her own life, and your life, while you are in this 'agreement' with her.

The signs, at least from the outside looking in, are, that she is not interested in even attempting to make the relationship work, any longer. She could have, if she were serious about you, made attempts to sort out your difficulties, profess her love and commitment, and together you could have faced anything.

You were likely in that place, it seems, and she was not. Most likely most of this has to do with her parents, lining up potential suitors, to see if there isn't one the three of them could agree on, as being a better mate, than you.

So, she insults you and disrespects you by not being honest, and her parents have been judge and jury, to which she complies, and where does that leave you?

I'd back out of this situation and regain my dignity if I were you. At some point should she decide that you are the one, be prepared with a few reassurances of your own. The first one being, not to put you out in some sort of horse race, to 'win' her.

I don't think there is anything for me to back out from, we are already not talking, I guess if I can get it through my head that she is gone, then I might be in a better position.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

In the Bible (if her family is Bible believing), 40 days is a major time span for several major Biblical events, like the Great Flood and Noah. Maybe her mom thinks 40 days is a significant number. (just musing here)

When I was 20 or so, I was told I couldn't marry someone I had dated for five-plus years. Had I married him anyway, I'm guessing there would have been years of bad feelings that resulted -- bad feelings between my parents and me for my having decided "against" them and bad feelings toward the young man and his family for now being linked to our family. Holidays would have been disasters. Grandchildren might have mended the wound somewhat, but they too could have added to the relationship mess.

I said all that because you can't just look at how things are now and maybe in the immediate future, but also must consider the next five years and even the next 25 years of being married to her. Will her parents eventually accept you? If not, how can you make peace with them? (and you WILL want to be allowed into the family circle for the greater family good)

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I think her parents would have had eventually come around, I am a half decent guy and people don't usually have strong opinions about me either way, but I guess she didn't see it that way, and maybe she was right, they are her parents not mine and she knows more about them then I do

See what happens in 20 days and deal with whatever it is. That's what I would do. Until then do your thing. Have good clean adult fun, and stay within the boundaries of good behavior. Have some fun, relax.

You,it seems,are being more or less told to abide by somebody else's rules, never a good thing.
Me,I wouldn't.
Take charge of your own life and do what you feel is right for you.

Since I have been feeling down the last couple of days, I will add some more information.

So when we talked the last time before the 40 days started, I asked her if she didn't want to get back together after the 40 days, then she should not bother calling me, now I am having second thought about her not calling me and for there not to be any closure, what do you guyz and girls think?

Hindsight and regret brings doubts, and closure comes by acceptance, not I wish I would have, could have, should have..

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Originally Posted by Dare81

Since I have been feeling down the last couple of days, I will add some more information.

So when we talked the last time before the 40 days started, I asked her if she didn't want to get back together after the 40 days, then she should not bother calling me, now I am having second thought about her not calling me and for there not to be any closure, what do you guyz and girls think?

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I am still stuck (and I get stuck a lot) on what is the significance of 40 days. I mean what if she said she needed 37 days, 4 hours, 26 seconds - would you need a stopwatch?

But seriously if my partner needed that time to decide if we had a path forward, I would start looking for a new partner and move forward. But that is just me.

Really...what's this whole 40 days thing? Is there a counting clock or something? I wouldn't waste my time. I would tell her I need days too...like the rest of my life.

Update:

She called two night ago wanting to talk, I called her back, talked about random things. I asked her what her decision was since there were 5 days still left in the whole 40 days thing. She said she will unsure and wanted to meet.

We were going to meet for dinner, on Christmas day but ended up going to a movie since that was the only thing open.(Not a smart idea I know).She ended up cuddling and we ended up kissing.I dropped her off at her house after the movies. We didn't talk about the relationship issues at all.

Fast forward to today, she said she was having a bad day at work, so I took lunch for her to her office, dropped the lunch at her office and left, with out meeting her and texted saying "Enjoy your lunch".Got a lot of "thankyou's shouldn't have done that".So I called her tonight and asked her why she was still undecided. She had 3 concerns

1) I acted really indifferently when her parents were here.
2) I didn't hug or cuddle,meaning I didn't love her.
3) I lied about smoking cigarette's's a couple of times and we have had major fights about that.

She wanted answers, I listen for the first 10 minutes, and things got really heated.I basically told her, that

1) I have seen the texts and Facebook messages that she has going on with "Friends"( I saw a couple of text messages and Facebook messages which were very flirty, the guy confessing that he loves her, and she replying that she trusts him.)(The Facebook messages were with another guy and they were talking about hugging and cuddling)

Long story short, we started fighting over the phone, she said she was breaking up and was not going to marry me. I started begging, pleading.

The conversation ended with she need's more time, I am not sure how much time but more time.Anyways so the way I see my options are two.Start MC right now, or call her up tomorrow, tell her she has 2 days to make up her mind.

Thanks for reading.

If all you seemed to be doing was arguing about one thing or other... then its time to move one... if that happens when you are just dating... it would only get worse after you were married.

20 days... 20 years... it didn't appear to be working for whatever reason.

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Originally Posted by Dare81

So I called her tonight and asked her why she was still undecided. She had 3 concerns

1) I acted really indifferently when her parents were here.
2) I didn't hug or cuddle,meaning I didn't love her.
3) I lied about smoking cigarette's's a couple of times and we have had major fights about that.

She wanted answers, I listen for the first 10 minutes, and things got really heated.I basically told her, that

1) I have seen the texts and Facebook messages that she has going on with "Friends"( I saw a couple of text messages and Facebook messages which were very flirty, the guy confessing that he loves her, and she replying that she trusts him.)(The Facebook messages were with another guy and they were talking about hugging and cuddling)

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I have a question about your discussion/argument. This is more about your mindset than it is hers at the moment. When you asked her why she was still undecided, did you really want to know what she is thinking to be able to work together to fix the rough spots or was listening to her feelings an opening to confront her about the Facebook and text messages?

Did you try to discuss her concerns or did you ignore them and come back with your own?

If she did decide she wants to take a chance with you, are you really open to communicating with her and working as a team instead of allowing yourself to get defensive and attack?

Frankly, from what you have written, she should have stuck with the breaking up and not marrying you. She made a decision that you didn't like. Your begging and pleading are the reasons she is taking more time and trying to give you a chance. Now you want to force her to give you an answer when she is probably still upset. You probably won't like that answer either. So what would you do next? Beg and plead again. Give her more time only to force another decision? How long do you keep repeating that pattern?

I am not so certain she is the controlling one. At very least she isn't the only one using controlling behaviors. Has there ever been a point when the two of you were able to effectively communicate without fighting? Have you ever actually worked through a disagreement?

CAT1864, you are probably right. You cannot have some stay in a relationship when they don't want to.:). I have decided to go NC.

I was not really even trying to listen, I just wanted to get my frustration out, and hence we ended up fighting.

There were a lot of good parts of this relationship, and now I have to work through the hurt and the pain, which is why I was begging and pleading with her to save myself from the heartace.

As for the controlling part, I am not controlling at all, she was somewhat, but what does it matter now.

I think it's a wise decision to take the lessons of the past, and carry them forward for yourself as you untangle the mess of emotions from this failed experiment, and ready yourself for the next big experiment. As you see, easier said than done but a willingness to work on your own behalf, and TIME, will heal you and prepare you for better outcomes.