Ask Me Help Desk - Why does my boyfriend say he doesn't want sex but then contradicts himself?

Why does my boyfriend say he doesn't want sex but then contradicts himself?

Hey guys. This is a quick summary of what's going on.
I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year and to be honest, I can count on my hands the amount of times we've had sex.
When I first met him he told me he has a high sex drive, which is great, as I do too. I'm 28 and he's 27.

He was also very honest and told me that he's been single for a while as he has a hip injury which meant having sex was touch and go as sometimes he would be in so much pain, he couldn't maintain an erection. I accepted this and decided to stay with him as he's a great guy, he was honest and he said he was getting better, slowly but still. Plus I know that sex is just part of a relationship. However, it's a year on and still no joy. I can't actually remember the last time we had sex. He says it still hurts him and that the pain makes him not want sex which I totally understand. BUT here comes the contradiction: He has no problem masturbating and does it daily. He's even told me that sometimes he does it 5 times a day!! So when he says he can't have sex, that's not true.

He says getting an erection isn't the problem but having one for too long becomes painful so masturbating and just 'banging one out' as it were was easiest. He then says that he doesn't have the urge but he looks at porn. A lot! So the urge is there. He's even masturbated when he's thought I've been asleep in bed. We rarely even kiss each other any more. I've stopped giving him oral and he's NEVER given me oral. He says he's no good at it.

The hardest I've ever seen him was one time after he watched porn which makes me think, does he have a porn addiction and an actual real life woman doesn't do it for him any more? He's also insecure about his body as he's put on weight through the injury. All of this has made me lose confidence in myself to the point where I don't want him touching me and I don't want to touch him. He keeps promising he'll get better and just when I think it is, his injury becomes worse. I don't know what to do. I thought I knew what I was getting into from the start. We haven't really begun our relationship yet but I wonder how long I can last with it being the way it is. :( He's the one who brought up 'the relationship talk' and is always making plans for us so I think he does want to be with me but I'm just confused about it all.

Could use some advice!

Quote:

Originally Posted by dudette84

Hey guys. This is a quick summary of what's going on.
I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year and to be honest, I can count on my hands the amount of times we've had sex.
When I first met him he told me he has a high sex drive, which is great, as I do too. I'm 28 and he's 27.
He was also very honest and told me that he's been single for a while as he has a hip injury which meant having sex was touch and go as sometimes he would be in so much pain, he couldn't maintain an erection.
I accepted this and decided to stay with him as he's a great guy, he was honest and he said he was getting better, slowly but still.

It sounds like he is making excuses. He's claiming he's a stud, but when pressed has an injury that is stopping him. IT could be completely valid. You might want to explore what works and doesn't to isolate what works.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dudette84

Plus I know that sex is just part of a relationship.
However, it's a year on and still no joy. I can't actually remember the last time we had sex. He says it still hurts him and that the pain makes him not want sex which I totally understand.

It is a part of a relationship but it is an important part. You shouldn't feel bad if you're not happy with the sex in a relationship. While there is more to a relationship then sex, not having the sex and wanting it will lead to a relationship ending. You're basically going to become disinterested in him and it is your body's way of saying that he's not suitible.

Unfortunately our brains get in the way of good instincts and throws good money after bad.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dudette84

BUT here comes the contradiction: He has no problem masturbating and does it daily. He's even told me that sometimes he does it 5 times a day!! So when he says he can't have sex, that's not true. He says getting an erection isn't the problem but having one for too long becomes painful so masturbating and just 'banging one out' as it were was easiest.

I was afraid of this, I am responding as I read, and I am not sure he's got a problem with his hips and erections. I think that is the excuse he's giving you because his libido isn't that high. To be fair to him Masturbation is perfectly normal, even when you're getting more then you want. It is like a bubble bath for men where you only have to care for yourself and don't have to worry about pleasing anyone but yourself. It is a selfish private moment.

That being said there has to be another reason for his sexual issues.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dudette84

He then says that he doesn't have the urge but he looks at porn. A lot! So the urge is there. He's even masturbated when he's thought I've been asleep in bed. We rarely even kiss each other any more. I've stopped giving him oral and he's NEVER given me oral. He says he's no good at it.

Just for clarity sake. Porn isn't the issue. What I see is that he's pulling away. He wants to end the relationship but he's too proud or stubborn to end it on his own. So he's driving you off, or trying to at least. The out of bedroom intimacy is suffering. That is the truest sign of things cooling off.

Porn, and I have written this so many times before, is just a thought or idea to a man. They don't want to have sex with that person nor is it a sign that they're dissatisfied with their current mate. We just like looking at naked women. It is just kind of the way men's minds are wired.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dudette84

The hardest I've ever seen him was one time after he watched porn which makes me think, does he have a porn addiction and an actual real life woman doesn't do it for him any more?
He's also insecure about his body as he's put on weight through the injury.

Doesn't sound like a porn addiction here. He isn't turning to porn because he isn't satisfied with you but because men like look at naked women.

An addiction is something that inhibits his work life, his personal life, and his relationships because he can't stop. Look at a drug addict, or alcoholic, and compare. Look at the damage to their lives, and if porn is doing that to your boyfriends life than it is an addiction. Being a porn addict is tossed around a lot because a lot of women aren't comfortable with the idea of their boyfriend looking at another woman naked. It is also quite taboo, and easier to say.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dudette84

All of this has made me lose confidence in myself to the point where I don't want him touching me and I don't want to touch him.
He keeps promising he'll get better and just when I think it is, his injury becomes worse.
I don't know what to do. I thought I knew what I was getting into from the start. We haven't really begun our relationship yet but I wonder how long I can last with it being the way it is. :(
He's the one who brought up 'the relationship talk' and is always making plans for us so I think he does want to be with me but I'm just confused about it all.
Could use some advice!

Don't base yourself confidence on what another person thinks or what you think another person thinks of you. It is a lose lose situation. You're awesome. Remember that, not because everyone wants to boink you but because you're you.

What I honestly see here is a man child who wants a relationship and wants everything but isn't will to commit to it. I don't think his libido is anywhere near where he says it is. I don't think he's interested in a relationship with you but is carrying on because that is what he is expected to do an to dump you would be admitting defeat. I honestly think that you need to considering everything in this relationship, inside the bedroom and out, and decide if it is worth it going forward. I know you were consigned to the injury but I think that is an excuse more then anything.

Sex is an important part of a relationship and when you're as sexually frustrated as you are then it isn't worth it any more. Yourself confidence and esteem are suffering. What better sign do you need? I really think you should leave him. I don't think this relationship is going to work out for you. I think doing it sooner is better too. If you wait and continue to throw good money after bad then you're going to be frustrated, bitter, and angry. It is going to hurt more and longer.

It is a hard place to be. I feel sorry for you. Good luck.

My husband was having the same issues--no sex with me, but masurbatting to porn like a mad man. This is not normal and I do believe he is a sex addict. My husband was diagnosed as such. If he won't get help through counseling by a qualified sex therapist, get out. It won't change without help. No matter what, get therapy and a women's support group asap. It's traumatic and if you don't get help it can ruin yourself esteem and psyche. Porn and excessive masturbation is not normal. It is an effect of the technological age and our minds and bodies have not evolved to handle the overload of stimulation permeating society today. Watch this video and read "Mending a Shattered Heart" by Stefanie Carnes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU

You can kill yourself trying to understand but the issue is his. He isn't honestly addressing it. The relationship does not work for you. If there is no sex in the first year, there will be none later. He could be gay, could be addicted to porn -who knows. All you know is that being with him makes you feel bad, so stop being with him.