Ask Me Help Desk - My daughter doesn't want any contact what shall I do?

My daughter is 23 yo. She moved out when she was 19 and since then we very rarely seeing each other. Recently she started to ignore my calls and if I text her her texts back are short cold and careless.. She is always on FB, boasting about this and that, she lives with her boyfriend in his moms house him & his mom don't really care if she has any contact with me.. Because lots of the weekends my daughter has to help her and boyfriends mom is a priority not me. During the week she is working.. I tried to ask her to meet me or for me to come and visit her,- she always says she is busy.

She and her boyfriend live pretty good life- they don't pay any rent, spent everything on partying and smoking weed. Jesus after she met him she just does nothing just swears smokes dancing clubs and work and help his mom. I'm not existent. In fact I feel as I'm an additional burden for her. I've read that mothers have to still keep in touch no matter what but my daughter literally is self observed egoist and every time I feel myself esteem spiraling down when I talk to her and try to woe her to see me just to receive a tired overused reply from her: we go shopping tomorrow and we busy.

I used to take her to the theaters, coffees we used to go out but not anymore since met the current one who doesn't really care about anything in this world as long as he is fed, and has something to smoke.. What shall I do: sent her sms non stop or call her ( but she pics up 1 of 10 times ) life is struggle- I have to live to please her to see me. It took hard time to raise her up and now I have to continue with caring for our relationship?

What shall I do? Please any advice? Thank you<3

(sorry for the long letter)

Do you two live in the same town or near each other?

She is going through a phase and calling or texting her are just going to make her more uncaring. I would back off and contact her once a week (just once!) at a set time, such as Sunday evening, by email. Don't ask questions, don't complain, don't do anything but say that you love her. Tell her just once that it hurts, and leave it at that. She knows she's thoughtless. Sooner or later that boyfriend will be gone, and she will want to see you. It may take a while. An adult child is an adult, not a child. There's nothing you can 'make' her do.

Like joypulv said, you need to back off and contact her only once a week or so with just a simple "I love you and miss you" message. Right now, she thinks of you as desperately needy and insecure -- "What shall I do: sent her sms non stop or call her ( but she pics up 1 of 10 times )", so she avoids you so she doesn't have to explain the choices she is making. Yes, give her time. Get out and about and involved in your own life with friends (and no complaining about your daughter to them) or a hobby or a pet, so that you aren't always thinking about her and what she's doing. Give her time. This too will end, and she, because you and she had a good relationship in the past, will probably wonder what on earth she was thinking.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Do you two live in the same town or near each other?

Same town an 1-1.5 hr away

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

She is going through a phase and calling or texting her are just going to make her more uncaring. I would back off and contact her once a week (just once!) at a set time, such as Sunday evening, by email. Don't ask questions, don't complain, don't do anything but say that you love her. Tell her just once that it hurts, and leave it at that. She knows she's thoughtless. Sooner or later that boyfriend will be gone, and she will want to see you. It may take a while. An adult child is an adult, not a child. There's nothing you can 'make' her do.

I did not contacted her for 2 months and she still nothing.. Thank you, I'm just tyred being ignored she is more arrogant than nice I hope what you say will be like you say..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Like joypulv said, you need to back off and contact her only once a week or so with just a simple "I love you and miss you" message. Right now, she thinks of you as desperately needy and insecure -- "What shall I do: sent her sms non stop or call her ( but she pics up 1 of 10 times )", so she avoids you so she doesn't have to explain the choices she is making. Yes, give her time. Get out and about and involved in your own life with friends (and no complaining about your daughter to them) or a hobby or a pet, so that you aren't always thinking about her and what she's doing. Give her time. This too will end, and she, because you and she had a good relationship in the past, will probably wonder what on earth she was thinking.

Thank you I just exploded-I told her good bye, and deleted her number. I know I acted in hot temper but if relationship is meant to be she will come back if not I cannot do anything. I wish she learns hard life lessons- pays bills and knows what some taxes are. Easy life spoils everyone. I'm so angry that she degraded to the child level since meeting her current boyfriend. She moans about him and shows tantrums to him- he looks like under influence if drugs while not smoking, I cannot understand her wish for freedom but anyway thanks guys everyone. If I meant to be left one let it be if she comes back Ill take her to the restaurant . Thanks again <3

Quote:

Originally Posted by Akme

Thank you I just exploded-I told her good bye, and deleted her number. I know I acted in hot temper but if relationship is meant to be she will come back if not I cannot do anything.

Don't watch her on FB either. Unfriend her. She will need more than two months. You realize it could even be two YEARS, don't you? Meanwhile, do your best to enjoy life with friends and maybe even volunteer at an animal shelter or a hospital. Both of those places need caring people like you are. I wish you well. Please come back here and let us know how you are doing.

Adjustments are very hard on us parents once our kids grow up, and leave, and start doing their thing. Let them, and do your own thing now, without them, mom. They will be back in their own time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Adjustments are very hard on us parents once our kids grow up, and leave, and start doing their thing. Let them, and do your own thing now, without them, mom. They will be back in their own time.

I hope so, thank you v. much a lot<3

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Don't watch her on FB either. Unfriend her. She will need more than two months. You realize it could even be two YEARS, don't you? Meanwhile, do your best to enjoy life with friends and maybe even volunteer at an animal shelter or a hospital. Both of those places need caring people like you are. I wish you well. Please come back here and let us know how you are doing.

Thank you v much for your nice words. Yes I need to concentrate on myself. I work in hospital for all my life and at least patients appreciate my small care for them. Thank you again<3

[QUOTE=Wondergirl;3592906]Don't watch her on FB either. Unfriend her. She will need more than two months. You realize it could even be two YEARS, don't you? Meanwhile, do your best to enjoy life with friends and maybe even volunteer at an animal shelter or a hospital. Both of those places need caring people like you are. I wish you well. Please come back here and let us know how you are doing.[/QUOTE

Yes of course I understand that she can be absent for 2 years or even 12.. I just hope she comes back, wakes up and comes back. I cannot believe she stays with a guy who told her looking in her eyes when I was present too 'We will never get married. Why to but a caw if you can get milk for free', She just looked at me with disappointment in her eyes I was shocked with his bravery.. She probably still expects him to marry her. I hope so.

You hope so? I hope not. Do you just want her married, or do you want her to find a good man?
She'll wake up and smell the coffee, sooner rather than later, I think, based on his cow remark. Sorry for mixing metaphors. The thought of a cow smelling the coffee is sort of endearing though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

You hope so? I hope not. Do you just want her married, or do you want her to find a good man?
She'll wake up and smell the coffee, sooner rather than later, I think, based on his cow remark. Sorry for mixing metaphors. The thought of a cow smelling the coffee is sort of endearing though.

I wanted to say that she is blind of what kind of a man he is: he is using her for his own advantage and she is weak to say no! All I wanted is for her to study, to have a profession to get married decent guy. She had a good respecting v handsome boyfriend who used to give her flowers, gave her engagement ring, bought her dresses. He was finishing sentences for her. We were celebrating occasions 3 of us he used to bring me flowers too. After 3 years of their separation he still calls me 'mom'. But she chose this current one

And maybe I lost you here please correct me if I misunderstood you. She wanted to break up with him lot of times but either low self esteem or because I divorced myself she's got an anxiety that she will not happy family life too.. I don't know what it is. She can cook bake but with him she just spends money smokes swears and does just survives to say- she works with autistic child is very intelligent and him- she has to write for him CVs for the job, teaches him how to dress for the interview, how to speak there etc etc. he is lazy if she won't tell him or ask him- he won't do it. He is clearly not for her..

He is lacking an insight he is 25 but his mind is 17- computer games parties, chimney smokes..

Geez mom, we all want the best for our kids, but we can't give it to them, they have to get it themselves. You may like the old guy, and hate the new guy, but obviously she doesn't feel as you do.

I know, sucks when they stop doing what you want them too, and do what THEY want to do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Geez mom, we all want the best for our kids, but we can't give it to them, they have to get it themselves. You may like the old guy, and hate the new guy, but obviously she doesn't feel as you do.

I know, sucks when they stop doing what you want them too, and do what THEY want to do.

I know this tallaniman and don't understand why you rude, I simply explained the difference between the two guys to joypolv. I'm prepared to nice conversations not rude, I have an idea what you said thank you and good bye.

'She probably still expects him to marry her. I hope so.'

Perhaps I interpreted that wrong. I thought you wanted them to get married.