Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend wants a break

Girlfriend of 5 years wanted to complete break from yesterday night, then 1 hour after the breakup she calls me and says she wants to just to take a break for a month and that she needs to get her feelings straightened out and to see if I am really the one she wants to eventually marry. After the break she said she wants to date again.

The rules of the break are as follows:
1. A month
2. Can date other people of desired, no sex.
3. Can call and talk as friends.

She said she still has feelings for me and loves me but doesn't love me as much as she used to. She mentions to me at times that I get upset and a bit too emotional at times due to issues relating to her and her overbearing controlling mother, but she continues to keep allowing to keep going in her life (why I get upset) and get treated as a carry on. (Not cool). Since it's been five years we've been together of course, I am a emotional about this because I really do love her and I always consider her in everything that I do, even if she doesn't do the same, we have even gone as far as to plan out a healthy way to start a family and what both want.

What I think led to the break.
1. Just some time off to get things straight and verification.
2. My attitude at times.
3. Her mother and her control issues
4. Higher paying job that I need to acquire (recently graduated and job market is stagnant right one but got some snags)
5. She is confused on what she wants or overwhelmed (srsly, how does a woman get confused or overwhelmed when she has a guy that loves her?)

She said she wanted to date again after the break, so should I take I that at face value? I mean I hope we can be together again as a couple but at the same time I am mad/sad that she would do this to me after 5 years of how she put, "the best guy she's been with."

Thanks for hearing my story

If there needs to be any clarifications on the problems or reasons I put out there, I can clarify.

Think I solved my own issues. Messaged her this morning and told her that this break would be a good thing and that at the end of it I would be stronger and that I loved her and would miss her. In return she said that she already misses me and loves me and this time will be good for us and that she has to figure out herself and make sure her heart is true to me.

Will be tough but a little adversity only makes one stronger. :)

You don't say how old either of you is, but I think that is an important factor. If either of you is very young or had little dating experience before you became a couple, it would probably be a good idea to play the field before making a decision about a serious relationship. She may feel that if she doesn't she'll always wonder what she missed. This might actually be a good sign because it means she wants to make sure before making a permanent commitment to you.

I'm 27 she is 28, she's been in 3 relationships, one that almost lasted to marriage and I've been inn4 relationships but none of them lasted that long because I got cheated on. (Too nice a guy)

Longest one I've been in, besides the current is about 2 years

Five years should be a long enough investment of each other, that you can solve problems together- not apart. I'm not big on 'breaks' which have come to mean- there is someone else in the picture, or it's an easier way out (only for the one making the rules- her.

I don't know what would change, and you haven't offered any insight, when the month is over and you 'start over'. Is her mother going to be dealt with?

If she has not set some boundaries with her mother before now, likely the break won't mean a break from her. I guess that's where her priorities lie. Her mother comes first it sounds like, and always has.

Maybe always will.

I urge you to be stronger, and take a good long look at what your future looks likely to be- which is likely a continuation of what it was prior to this break.

Why not set some rules of your own. For example, tell her she has to come to some sort of agreement about how to set limits with her mother. Do you think she can do that? Surely you are not all at fault, and she has some issues you would like addressed as well.

You've only really mentioned the mother. But, believe me, having a linebacker in the relationship behind your wife, doesn't bode well for you.

How do you see things changing? What needs to change, and is your girlfriend willing to respect your opinions, and suggestions to improve the relationship?

She feels that she has to pick me or her mother and if she knows that I'm the one that she wants, she will take action about her mother and she has before on previous occasions

The month started today and will end, well a month from now. She contacted me this morning saying she misses me and loves me and that she just needs some time to get things straight with her

Also there is no one else from what I know. There hasn't been any emotional quirks and she is a bad liar. Once previously a year ago she wanted a break for a 4 days but it ended up being 2 when she called me wanting to be together again.

So my thought is that she really does need some space to figure herself out

Quick update - she called me on her lunch break and asked how I was and she said that all she needed was some time to get her stuff together and that she never wanted to break it off and she got over emotional. She stated that I needed to work on my job situation and she would work on her mother and remedying that situation. She also said that she isn't going to date anyone and that she just needed time for her.

Quote:

She stated that I needed to work on my job situation and she would work on her mother and remedying that situation.

Seems after 5 years there is more to this than a simple break. Maybe she is trying to light a fire under you, as well as deal with many other issues that maybe you have been ignoring for whatever reason Mr. Nice Guy.

I can certainly see that the time to look at yourself would be well worth doing during this break. An honest self evaluation should be the focus, NOT the relationship at this time.

What is your job situation? Could it be a reason to have a lack of confidence in you? Or her mother not having confidence in her daughters choice of a long term partner?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Seems after 5 years there is more to this than a simple break. Maybe she is trying to light a fire under you, as well as deal with many other issues that maybe you have been ignoring for whatever reason Mr. Nice Guy.

I can certainly see that the time to look at yourself would be well worth doing during this break. An honest self evaluation should be the focus, NOT the relationship at this time.

What is your job situation? Could it be a reason to have a lack of confidence in you? Or her mother not having confidence in her daughters choice of a long term partner?

I'll answer the bold first, I have a job but it doesn't pay well, I get decent hours so in short I make about 400 per 2 weeks, and I recently graduated with an engineering degree and very actively trying to find a job that my degree will get me. It might be a lack of confidence because I did a self eval this morning and I realized I'm not ambitious as I used to be when we first met so that might make me a tad unattractive. In regards to the mother, her mother didn't like any man being with her daughter to begin with even before I met her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Noyou

I'll answer the bold first, I have a job but it doesn't pay well, I get decent hours so in short I make about 400 per 2 weeks, and I recently graduated with an engineering degree and very actively trying to find a job that my degree will get me. It might be a lack of confidence because I did a self eval this morning and I realized I'm not ambitious as I used to be when we first met so that might make me a tad unattractive. In regards to the mother, her mother didn't like any man being with her daughter to begin with even before I met her.

She seems to call you a lot on this self imposed break of hers. I am not an expert on relationship breaks but I am guessing she will not find what she is trying to find or she not come to any conclusions if she continues to call you. Breaks don't seem the healthiest path to a good goal.

I agree with Jake and talaniman. I would also add that ambition is very sexy. I would not date someone who didn't have ambition.

Can I assume that you have been together for 5 years but have never lived together? That would explain her need for a break, and reluctance to count on you for her emotional and security needs and concerns.

It's very possible that after 5 years the future doesn't look as great and she has already given you 5 years. Most people would have already made a plan to move to the next level of commitment. Hell you are still at dating. And $800 bucks a month is not a wise situation to start a family with. Not knocking you, but just pointing out an obvious fact. I would imagine her head, and heart are conflicted, especially if her clock is ticking if you know what I mean.

Your focus should be on YOU, not the relationship. I think you only have 30 days to put your life in order if you expect this female to follow your lead and take a chance to love the mama.

@Tal - I have decided that before hand that I need to be on my own again before I even think about moving to forward (this was due to a loss of a job in the past) So what I'm trying to do is get a better job so I can get out of the complacent rut I've been in the past year. I just have some self eval and I need to respect myself and better myself because all I've been doing with my girlfriend is just showering her with love and basically it was suffocating her.

Update - We had a discussion today and it went as follows. She called me up and asked me how I was and I told her I was fine and that she regretted what she did the previous night and said it was selfish and the she does love and care for me but at the same time she needed to do it this way because I never saw that for what it was, and she was being smothered with love.
We decided to discuss it after we both got off work. To which I told her that I would take time in the break to better myself and find something new and to bring back the ambitious person she fell in love with and that I realized that I was becoming boring in the relationship and that I would respect her wishes during the break. As for the girlfriend, she mentioned that after this break that she will work on the relationship with her mother and that all she needs is just time alone to recoup her thoughts and do things by herself for a change. She then said that it would be all right to see each other 1 or 2 days out of the week during the break just enough to make it easier on us both, which I appreciated because it was kind of hard today. With that we reconciled and kissed and I felt a bit uplifted by the outcome and I think she felt the same.

So now I know what indeed she wants and she knows what I want so at this point its all a waiting and better yourself game and if she does love me like she says she does, she will come back and we both will be better people and a better couple in the long run. :)

Quote:

"She seems to call you a lot on this self imposed break of hers. I am not an expert on relationship breaks but I am guessing she will not find what she is trying to find or she not come to any conclusions if she continues to call you. Breaks don't seem the healthiest path to a good goal.

I agree with Jake and talaniman. I would also add that ambition is very sexy. I would not date someone who didn't have ambition"

I agree on both ends. I don't think breaks are good, and they are just a cop out on not dealing with problems and just leaving the problem with the person. YES i know ambition is sexy and I need to find that again because my life a year ago to this point in time was all about my gf and not me.