Ask Me Help Desk - Cant get over my cheating lying ex girlfriend of 15 years

Hi split up from my lying cheating girlfriend 7 months ago, but just can't get over her or the thought of her with someone else .I'm 30 years old, was with her 15 years, had our ups and downs like most couples. Got our own place two years ago when she fell pregnant with our daughter. Found out a year ago she hadn't been paying council tax and I had my wages arrested she still didn't own up. Lied to my face about it till I found all the letters she hid. I was angry and thought what else she could be lying about but forgave her for my daughter's sake and I loved her.

She started a new job bk shift. Few months later I had a gut feeling something wasn't right she was hiding her phone from me. I confronted her and she said she loved me and would never hurt me like that so I stupidity left it. But a few weeks later I got hold of her phone one night and found disgusting messages. She had been seeing a older guy from her work for weeks. Getting my mother to pick our daughter up early to get him over to our house. I was devastated. When I confronted her she didn't even say sorry. Just looked gutted she got caught. She packed her job in and stays in a shabby council flat with my daughter.

I tried to keep our house myself but couldn't afford to. Had it repossessed. The girl cost me thousands and broke my heart so why do I miss and love her so much. I feel useless, ugly, hurt, betrayed and heartbroken. I've told her a million times I still love her and want her back but she says not just now maybe in the future. Please someone help me. My mind knows it can't work but my heart won't listen. Just can't believe she could have done it to me :-( I want to get over her but just can't. I know I'm a good guy, been with a few girls but just makes me miss her more even though she's hurt me so much and doesn't even care.

Just get it out like you are doing here. What can anyone say? We can listen. We can advise. I notice two very tiny seemingly insignificant things in your words: you say you are 30 but not how old she is, and you call your shared daughter 'my daughter.' Tell us, does this say anything about you? When your daughter was born, did you help out equally? Did you treat your girlfriend like a maid and mother? Why didn't you get married in all those 15 years? Was all tenderness and thoughtfulness gone?
I suppose I'm sort of kicking you while you are down. I am sorry for that. I just want you to understand that it takes more than some older guy at work to draw her away from you.
Feel free to tell me where to get off, or tell us all whether you think you might have had something to do with this.
That will give you clues about whether there is hope or not.

Hi thanks for replying . She is the same age as me 30 and I was there when our daughter was born and we shared the responsibility equally . When she started bk shift I picked our daughter up after work fed her , bathed , and put her to bed every night . Then would have my girlfriends dinner and bath ready for her coming home from work . I told her I loved her every day . She said I was different with her after the lies about council tax . I suppose I was lost a bit of trust but I forgave her .dont get me wrong with her bk shift and me dayshift we never spent much time together and weekends we would catch up on sleep . But still had a active sex life . If anything she became more horny and that's what raised my suspicions , we had spoke about things like cheating and how much it would kill each other that's why I can't believe she could treat me like that .im not saying I was the perfect man but surely I didn't deserve this ! We were engaged for 5 years just couldn't afford to get married .why couldn't she have just ended if she wasn't happy instead of all this pain she is putting me through I'm not a monster especially after all the time together she could have spoke to me :-(

So.. did you cheat on her?

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

So.. did you cheat on her?

no never I loved her with all my heart and told her every day . Iam finding it hard to get over her I think because I see her a lot when I pick our daughter up and we end up talking n feels like normal then I end up wondering why we're not together but when I say I still love and miss her n want our family together again she just says not the now she needs to get her head straight ? I take that as wait to I see if any guys are out there first and I might come bk . I don't want to b second best to anyone . It was her that done the unthinkable but I feel like the one doing all the work to try n get her bk . Feel like she's giving me false hope or just playing with my heart

There are times when these types of relationships, involve one partner or the other lying. About money, about cheating, about covering up the lying and cheating, as it is in your case.

This wasn't caused by you. You are suffering the consequences of her actions, and so is your daughter, who is now robbed of a father. I'm sure she will have consequences to this as well.

Your girlfriend had options. She did not have to choose to do any of the things she has done. You and your daughter came second to her agenda, and it was only herself that she has to blame for not making better choices.

She could have been honest. She could have reached out to you, wanting to make amends for what she had done. Her conscience could have got the better of her, and she could have realized what she was risking. But, she chose herself, over everything and everyone.

I don't hear you saying that she has shown any indication of getting her family back. Nor is she talking about what she has done to cause all of this, nor is she taking responsibility. Where can you go with this brick wall? Nowhere.

Start planning for your future, without her. Be the best father you can be under the circumstances, and focus on your daughter. Spend as much time as you can with her, and don't bring up the subject of her mother coming home. It likely won't ever happen. Try to back off with your (now) ex, and don't initiate any talk of love and reconciliation. She's not interested.

And yes, you are doing all the work to get her back, and this is the reverse of what it should be. She is the one who should be filled with remorse, and fearful of what harm she has done to her relationship with you, and working hard to win your trust back. Yet, you are the one willing to forgive at the drop of a hat.

Try harder to put this in perspective.

Stop being the ONLY one who is trying, and back up. Be the best dad you can be, civil but unavailable for any more of her lying, cheating, emotional BS. Its difficult but NEEDS to be done to put an end to you inflicting more misery on yourself.

For the healing to start, you have to stop trying yourself to repair or replace her. Let family and friends support you and given the years together, expect the hurt and misery to last longer than 7 months and stop keeping false hope alive. When you finally accept she was a dog, you will be able to at least move beyond this.

It's not easy, nor is it supposed to be.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

There are times when these types of relationships, involve one partner or the other lying. About money, about cheating, about covering up the lying and cheating, as it is in your case.

This wasn't caused by you. You are suffering the consequences of her actions, and so is your daughter, who is now robbed of a father. I'm sure she will have consequences to this as well.

Your girlfriend had options. She did not have to choose to do any of the things she has done. You and your daughter came second to her agenda, and it was only herself that she has to blame for not making better choices.

She could have been honest. She could have reached out to you, wanting to make amends for what she had done. Her conscience could have got the better of her, and she could have realized what she was risking. But, she chose herself, over everything and everyone.

I don't hear you saying that she has shown any indication of getting her family back. Nor is she talking about what she has done to cause all of this, nor is she taking responsibility. Where can you go with this brick wall? Nowhere.

Start planning for your future, without her. Be the best father you can be under the circumstances, and focus on your daughter. Spend as much time as you can with her, and don't bring up the subject of her mother coming home. It likely won't ever happen. Try to back off with your (now) ex, and don't initiate any talk of love and reconciliation. She's not interested.

And yes, you are doing all the work to get her back, and this is the reverse of what it should be. She is the one who should be filled with remorse, and fearful of what harm she has done to her relationship with you, and working hard to win your trust back. Yet, you are the one willing to forgive at the drop of a hat.

Try harder to put this in perspective.

Thanks so much for reply . You helped me more than you know . A guess I am struggling to let go of 15 years and the family unit a had . But your right it was her that shattered it and shattered me . Some days I am strong and hate her and never want her bk but I can so easily torture myself into thinking I made her do it . Ill think bk of past arguments and think a could have and should have been different . But surely nothing I did could give her reason to do what she did . I just miss what I thought I had but a know it could never be the same . She really has never shown much remorse or sorrow or once said she wants me bk . In a way it makes it hurt more she doesn't care what she did . She is so cold Hearted about it all . I get my daughter three days a week , pick her up from her mums I know I should just go get my daughter and leave but always end up talking to my ex then leave with my head all messed up again . The one thing that I am really struggling to get over her about is the thought of her with someone else even though she was behind my bk .just hurts that she doesn't want me anymore . Im going to stop all the talk of love and getting bk together your right she isn't interested and doesn't deserve me I don't want to be with someone that can do things like that to someone . When I dropped my daughter of this morning I just looked at my ex and felt nothing for her is that a good thing ? Thanks again

That's good this time and dropping all conversation about you two, and keep it strictly about your daughters needs and concerns will help you get to a point it hurts less and gives you a better perspective. Takes a lot of time and positive reinforcement through support of friends, family and activities you enjoy.

Keep your head up, and don't feel sorry for yourself. The good news is the deceit is OVER. You now know who she is and what she is really about. She didn't deserve you in the first place. Love made you blind, but now you know.

Still sucks for now though, I know.

Just to add to what Tal said.

Realize that grieving, has its stages, and those stages, although different for everyone, require time to get through. You've already mentioned anger, and frequently that is the first emotion. Any major loss involves grieving.

To cheat yourself out of these stages (I'd say 7 months is about right as Tal said), means you won't be ready to face the world, whole again. It is important that when enough time has passed, you are ready to get yourself out there and start truly living again.

Not to mention that allowing yourself time to work through this, will make you better prepared for the next relationship, down the road. By that time, you will have put all the baggage of this relationship, safely tucked away in a locked drawer in your brain. You won't have a shadow hanging over you.

Work on what you need to do, and be prepared for what is to come as you do get through this. Christmas is just around the corner- make arrangements well in advance.

I went through something very similar years ago....what I finally realized was that it wasn't really her that I was missing...it's what I thought we had together and the future that I had envisioned for us...that is what I was missing.

You know what? Once I realized that was it and it wasn't the pig herself, I was able to get over it easier and move on. I knew that if I had somehow managed to get back with her, that it wouldn't work out and I would be starting all over again. I was able to let it all go and move forward with my life...and never had to look back.

Good luck to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by odinn7

I went through something very similar years ago....what I finally realized was that it wasn't really her that I was missing...it's what I thought we had together and the future that I had envisioned for us...that is what I was missing.

You know what? Once I realized that was it and it wasn't the pig herself, I was able to get over it easier and move on. I knew that if I had somehow managed to get back with her, that it wouldn't work out and I would be starting all over again. I was able to let it all go and move forward with my life...and never had to look back.

Good luck to you.

thanks for reply its getting easier people like yourself really do help but how did u get past the thought of her with someone else ? That's the thing I feel Is really stopping me from moving on , still makes me sick to my stomach the thought of some other guy doing all the things we used to do especially in the bedroom . Why does it get to me so much :-( even though she was behind my bk and I never want to be with her again .