Ask Me Help Desk - What now? Is there any hope?

Hey guys, Its been a while since I last was on this site and I hope everyone is doing well.

Ok so my story now: First just for info I'm 27 she's 26.

I met this girl a year ago now and we started officially dating a year ago more or less. Things were great and we never really fought. She had an ex who kept telling her that she was the one and the love of his life etc but she always told him that it was over and that she loved me. We started to take things seriously 6-7 months in.

Two weeks ago she came over one night and told me baby Im not sure but I might need a break. I told her what's happening and if there are issues we should work on them together and not separately. She agreed and we put this behind us. We even took this time to tell each other that things were very serious and that this time around next year I would be ready to propose. She also conveyed the same thing saying that she saw me as the one potentially. (the girl is quite conservative in many ways, even when it comes to sex for instance, she wants to wait for marriage which is fine with me).

Two weeks passed and things were great. She tells me to come over she wanted to cook for me and tells me that she loves me and stuff. We spend almost every day together and its really great. 3 days ago at night (I saw her during the day and it was fine) and she tells me that baby you know that thing I wanted to do a few days ago, I still think I want to go through with it. I was like what how can this be I thought we were passed this etc. I even asked its because of your ex isn't it and she was like no not all, and every time he tried to contact me I would tell you.

So I got pissed and told her to drop me of, I slammed the door and walked away and she just drove down the street and stop and started crying. I came and saw her and we started to talk. I was like what do you want? You know my feelings and you know my intentions. If you are worried because you are 26 and nothing concrete yet about marriage or something don't be worried. I spoke to your brother and made my intentions clear about what I want to do and this time around next year I want to take it to the next level. She was like I am relieved to hear this and this means a lot. So I asked her so what's wrong? Aren't you happy with me she said yes, don't you love spending time with me she said yes, can't you see yourself with me, again she said yes.

She than told me things are good but I need to take a step out to see if what I feel when I see is real and that its not because we always talk and see each other. She told me she is 26 now and she needs to make sure this is real love and that she wants to do this now and not later.

So I told her you know what, lets breakup? She was like no that's not what I want I just need some time, I was like so what one month, 2 months? She just said I need a little time and that I shouldn't worry about this but its something she had to do.

The next day she tried to call me and text me which I didn't respond to. The following day I told her listen I took a day to think about things and I understand sometimes people need time and because I love you I will give you this time and I am here for you. She responded saying thank you for understanding as always, your amazing, and I am here for you too in any case.

I don't know what she is thinking?

How would we know what she is thinking?
It's possible that you are waiting too long to marry her. In many parts of the world (you don't say where you are, and you are using a new ID), a woman of 26 is almost frantic about marriage and her baby clock.
But it isn't something that you can ask about, at least not without a lot of finesse. You can't just blurt out 'Do you want this break because you are in a hurry to get married because you are 26?' That will be the nail in the coffin. If I were you, I would propose and tell her to set the date.

Located in the Middle East , and I did tell her that we would get engaged this time next year around our 2nd anniversary. That's why I told her that I had spoken to her brother and wanted to show my seriousness

Im not asking about what she is thinking per say but rather whats going on ?

What's going on and what she's thinking are pretty much the same - we don't know.
I still think I'm right. I'm a 67 year old woman. I've seen this a million times.

If you love her and don't want to lose her, ask her to marry you now and have a big engagement party now. That's more assurance that you aren't going to fizzle between now and then, and she isn't close to 30 when you actually marry. You haven't given us any reason why you have to wait. If it's money or career, that's not good enough. Or an ailing parent, or any reason. NOW

The reason that I want to wait a little is the above mentioned items. In a year I will be able to better placed financially and would have had more time to prepare ourselves for the future. I mean I don't get it, do you think this is the main reason she decides to take some space...

I want to point out that we spent a lot of time together... everyday we would see each other in the recent time and that could make it that she wanted some time alone?

I'm sorry you don't get that a woman of 26 has what is commonly called 'a ticking clock.'
ASK HER, not strangers! But like I said, ask it in a way that doesn't ruin it.
I don't see why you can't have a long engagement.
In your culture, do you buy an engagement ring and have a celebration?
If you do that, and if she understands the financial situation, if you EXPLAIN the details, maybe she will be more understanding.

Right now she told that she wanted some time to think to herself. She is not the kind of person who would take such drastic action to make me want to commit more than I already have.

OK, then I have no clue. Leave her alone. All you can do is respect her wishes.

What I think is that maybe she got scared and what's to be sure that this is it for her ? She has put herself out there before and didn't work out... I mean I don't know

She could be scared, yes.

Push has finally come to shove, and she knows that you are planning to propose and get married next year.

Maybe it's not you she is unsure about, it's the getting married and making it permanent that she is unsure (or afraid) of. That is in her future, no matter how far off, and has given her a stark reality check.

Dating is one thing, marrying is something entirely different.

Even though you 'pass' on all the things you mentioned, i.e. that you make her happy, etc. it is the part of being married that just doesn't fit.

Maybe she doesn't have a concrete reason why she needs a break, but I would put waiting for answers on hold, because if she had an answer to your question of being apart for a while, she would have given it to you.

No pressure, no talk of marriage, no talk of 'what's wrong' (with you.. meaning her) in any way. Allow her the dignity of a little time to her own thoughts, and her own conclusions, whatever they may be.

But, I do agree with you in that there should be some understanding between the two of you as to how long this break is supposed to last.

Yes that's what I am doing right now. On the night she told me she need a little time, I told her what's that 1 month 2 month , if this a way to just breakup lets just breakup. She told no not at all that's not what I want, I just want a little time to myself.
On another note her brother called me and said that he spoke to her and she told him that she was taking small break to think things through, and that she just has to do this and take this time.

The only thing I did since the time she asked for some time and tried to call and message me the next day saying hope your day is going well etc is send her a message saying I understand that you need some time and because I love you I am giving you that time. To which she answered that thank you as always your amazing and that she was here for me in any case

The only thing I can add to that, is avoid contacting her, as much as you'd like a simple text to just say you're there and you love her. Because, that forces her to respond in kind, and interrupts her time, alone.

Let her come to you, by way of message, or phone call, or email. Allow her to follow through with her resolve to take a break. Continuous contact will only prolong things.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst, and find positive things to keep you occupied. Good clean adult fun.

Its very common for people to need time to wrap their heads around their own feelings. If you don't have a few months to invest, move on immediately. Maybe she is one of those that believes if you love someone let them go and see if its meant to be. Heard that a time or two back in the day. Maybe she just wants to be single and unpack her baggage from the ex. Who knows but if she wants a break, give it to her.

Maybe you revealing your long term plans made her want to think on it before she commits to them. I would treat this as a break up, and give myself time to heal, and accept whatever happens next myself, just in case. Like I say, hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

How long was she single before you started dating? Maybe it was too soon, and all that together time confused her.

I don't think she wants to break up... Because I put her on the spot and she said she didn't want that. She was with her ex for a year and always long distance and she had been on an off for a few months before I had even met her and was officially over 3 months before I met her... I don't know I feel it's a fear perhaps or she was hurt before and doesn't want the same thing I happen ? My close relatives are saying that now she is waying her options but I just can't see that

You do realize that when you go online, you are describing her in your terms, and we can only by what you say? You do realize that most people go online to hear what they want to hear, and even consciously or subconsciously tailor their story to get it?

Now you tell us that your relatives say she is weighing her options. Hmm.
I still think I have a good chance of being right, but I'm not there, and I have no vested interest in the outcome of this.

You can get all the opinions you want, and its all just a speculation about what only she could know. Stop speculating and wondering. It never matters and you should always walk your own path, and be focused on your own actions. If you are right and got scared and doesn't want talk of marriage as you think, more the reason to set your own course.

She could have said lets just date and have fun and leave the marriage talk alone. She didn't. Maybe that 3 months wasn't enough to make her ready for what you want. Maybe she doesn't think you are the one she wants to spend her life with. Maybe you helped her get over the ex, and now she is healthy enough to explore and experiment without you.

Maybe this, maybe that. ONLY she knows, and she ain't telling. Don't drive yourself crazy over it.

Still no news... Us this normal

Quote:

Originally Posted by bouyakasha

Still no news... Us this normal

Yes. Maintain No Contact. Let her come to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bouyakasha

Still no news... Us this normal

Yes maintain NC, and get busy doing your own thing. It will be a rougher time if you don't.

Yeah I know I'm trying to be strong! She is taking her time which is making me think that she has decided already. I mean why would someone ask for a break when things were fine just like that, it doesn't make sense for me and I feel like I'm being stepped on

Is this the same as breakup ? Or needing some time is just different ?