Me and my partner have been together for 4 years, we're not engaged and have lived together for 3 years. For the past year we have had some major tiffs and arguments, mainly she's upset and takes it out on me or just gets angry over nohing over a little mistakes. Could be she dropped something, late by 10 minutes or didn't cook dinner.

Past year its escalated where I feel it's Jekyll and Hyde with her. Randomly she'd start an argument (usually after a glass of wine) and end up calling me all names under the sun, throw glass at wall, about and on 4 occasions hit me and strangled me. I love her and she says she loves me and can't live without me but yet treats me with not much respect and like a kid. I have been kicked out the house and left as it felt like the best thing to do so she can cool off but she won't leave it at that. She'd text or call.me telling me she's cursed me and my family will die and she's going to kill herself.

I just don't know what to do. I feel we are pushed so apart now that it feels like we are just two best friend's living together.
If she does something wrong or hurt herself she always blames me and tells me to apologize. Lately I've been saying no as I have nothing to say sorry for, as you bumped your arm yourself or knocked a cup. She then gets argumentative and tells me to say sorry cause I upset her. I've done nothing wrong.

I'm in another room now because I sat on the office chair for 5 seconds to check the weather and she demanded I say thank you to her cause she was at the desk before and she allowed me on it. Resulted in her getting name calling again and arguing.

What should I do?

If it were me, I would be done. Life is too short for all that drama and relationships are not supposed to be that way. And that is really bad drama. But if you don't want to leave, then you both need to get into couples counseling and maybe anger management classes for her. I recognize we have only heard your side of things and that it does take two people to create the relationship you now have. But that is no way to live.

Ok, seriously...You are allowing her to treat you this way by putting up with it for so long.

I know it's tough but why put up with it? You should gain some self respect and tell her where it's at and if she doesn't like it, she's on her own. Things will not get better as you sit there and allow her to keep doing this and treating you this way. Sounds like she has some deep seated issues.

I would suggest telling her it's over and move on with your life so you can find someone that will appreciate you and not treat you like some whipping boy when they get upset.

If this is something that has gotten worse over the past year, was there an event that started it? Were there warning signs previous to this year? People, usually, do not go from stable to unstable without a cause. Frankly, it sounds like she has a medical issue. I would encourage her to go for a complete checkup including hormone screening. There may be something wrong that can be fixable.

That is not to excuse her behavior or to take the place of counseling.

You need to sit her down and explain that her behavior is unacceptable. Neither of you can live like this and the relationship is dying. You might try explaining that you are concerned about her health because of the changes. Try to find wording that would hopefully help her understand the seriousness of the situation without setting her off. However, if she throws things again or attacks you, be prepared to call the police. Do not respond to her outbursts with one of your own.

If she refuses to work with you or keeps up the abuse, (depending on the situation) move out or start the eviction process. You might consider packing up any belongings you are afraid she might destroy that you want to ensure aren't damaged and putting them in storage somewhere else (friend, family, or rental) and going to stay with someone until you find another place or she is out. Do what you can to protect yourself from any vindictive claims she might try to raise.

Stop enabling the behavior by allowing things to continue as they are.

If you were a dog, and she treated you this way, the SPCA would be putting you in a safe place, and she would be charged with animal cruelty!

I think the only question here is, why do you put up with it.

Are you dependent on her? Can you manage on your own financially?

Are there children involved here?

It is obvious that whatever shred of decency existed from her toward you, has gone. There is no respect, no meaningful communication at all.

So, what keeps you where you are?

There's no children involved but we want some one day, she also wants to get engaged which a year ago or so I was working towards it but now I'm just not sure. In a way looking back she was like this on rare occasion over the years but as got worse. She suffers by bipolar sometimes but how can it get worse.
Another part of relationship is she hates my family and parents, she kind of had go at them and caused problems so now its real sore spot which she wants an apology for. I can survive financially yes, I guess it feels part of the norm now and we have been through so much I guess I just keep at it and fighting to keep it together so that one day we will be happy again.

We have been apart before when I was kicked out and in honesty I felt better, but after a few days she's crying down the phone n wanting me back so I end up seeing her few days later and we work it out. Happened twice but surely after a week that I'm back after she feels like not putting up a front it goes down hill again.
I have been worried about my possessions and twice when I was out the house she said she threw all my stuff out (which she didnt) and told me she would damage or keep my PC n TV. The reason I'm still in the relationship is she is a great girl but she can switch to the most horrible without warning, I just want the girl I fell in love with back and I know she's there.

OK. You say she is bipolar. Is this a psychiatric diagnosis? If so, I presume that she has had, or should be in, treatment, and probably some medication. What is happening in that regard.

Any person who has been a partner to an alcoholic will tell you that he/she is the nicest person, when they are sober. But loving an alcoholic is only a part-time relationship, because the drunk always comes through.

When that drunk gets help, and gets sober, and starts to live a productive life, it is entirely possible to 'get that great person back', but many times, too many years and too much destruction destroy any hope of that.

And why is your situation any different.

You are dealing with a person with obvious problems, and you are the punching bag, and you keep taking it. Nothing will change until your partner gets the help she needs, and until that happens, the woman you want back, isn't coming back.

You are living in limbo, never knowing how she's going to be from one day to the next, and it seems her bad behavior has soured family relationships too. Does this really bode well for any kind of future together?

I don't know what else to tell you, except what has already been said. If you choose to stay, you know full well what your future will be, as it is now.

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Originally Posted by chedworth

There's no children involved but we want some one day, she also wants to get engaged which a year ago or so I was working towards it but now I'm just not sure. In a way looking back she was like this on rare occasion over the years but as got worse. She suffers by bipolar sometimes but how can it get worse.Another part of relationship is she hates my family and parents, she kind of had go at them and caused problems so now its real sore spot which she wants an apology for. I can survive financially yes, I guess it feels part of the norm now and we have been through so much I guess I just keep at it and fighting to keep it together so that one day we will be happy again.

We have been apart before when I was kicked out and in honesty I felt better, but after a few days she's crying down the phone n wanting me back so I end up seeing her few days later and we work it out. Happened twice but surely after a week that I'm back after she feels like not putting up a front it goes down hill again.
I have been worried about my possessions and twice when I was out the house she said she threw all my stuff out (which she didnt) and told me she would damage or keep my PC n TV. The reason I'm still in the relationship is she is a great girl but she can switch to the most horrible without warning, I just want the girl I fell in love with back and I know she's there.

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She needs to take responsibility for her behavior. No more excuses of being unable to control herself. She goes to the doctor and gets on some type of treatment plan probably based on medications to help control the swings and therapy or you walk.

How can it get worse? My aunt is bipolar. I haven't talked to her in years because she keeps refusing to take her medicine. When off of it, she destroyed my grandmother's house including breaking the toilet bowl, appliances and furniture, she pushed my grandmother out of a car and broke her arm, she abused my grandmother in other ways, she ended up in and out of jail (last I heard, she was in jail) and the list continues. She didn't start out that way. It got worse over the years.

I don't know what happened with your family, but at this point the blame game doesn't matter. Even if they did cause the problem, she no longer has any moral ground to stand on and if she gets help she might see their actions and her own in a different way.

I know you love who she was. I know you want to find that person inside who she is now. However, she will never be that person again and you are not the same person you were after going through all this. You need to accept the past is gone. Do you have enough love and trust to be able to give her support if she is willing to get help? Can you love the woman she may turn out to be? Or do you need to use what strength you have left to walk away?

If she can't see a doctor to begin addressing whatever her issues are, what's the point of continuing down this road? If she has no emotional/medical issues, you better run and take your stuff, and don't look back.

I am sure she is great sometimes, but most times she is an abusive NUT. She gets some help or is on her own.