I have been a stay at home mom for 4 1\2 years, and I just reciently started a new career. I am seriously thinking about leaving my husband. We have three kids, a house, a car, and other debts. I am not spitefull, or mean, and I'm not a babymama drama kind of person. How do you go about what is what and who's is who's, when it comes to separating things. My husband tells me that if I leave he will sell the truck and keep the house, and I will be on my own, and that he will make my life a living hell. He pays the bills, not me, but my name is on the car and the house too, but I wouldn't be able to afford to keep them alone, because I don't have a steady enough income yet. I don't want to be the kind of person that takes everything I can get either. At the same time I don't want to screw myself in the end. How do you get what you deserve without taking the other person for broke, or am I taking his feelings into more concideration that I should?

Hire a lawyer. If you're in the US and your name is on the deed to the house and the title to the cars, he can't get rid of either without your permission and you are entitled to half the value of each. (In other countries I do not know how it works.) As far as other assets go, a lawyer will help you divide things up, and will probably have you list more than you actually want, so as to make a "settlement" outside of court that is pretty fair. Assets are the easy part. What about the kids?

Well he threatens to take them from me, but he has no grounds, I don't drink don't do drugs, I have a job. I'm in sound mind (besides still being with him ) But at the same time he is a very spitefull person, so there is no telling what he would do. I know he wouldn't do anything to them, but to me I don't know. He tells me that he would have work pay him under the table cash so he would have "no income." he never takes his crazyness out on them, for whatever reason, just me.

Men threaten, with no legal base for it, they try to scare you into staying.

Now the issue is that you can't afford to keep the house, and most likely a divorce will take months and months and most likely he will refuse to pay anything in any way he can.

Best bet, talk to an attorney, and figure how to live on your own with your children. But if the property was gotten while you were together, you each have equal claim to it.

Why do you want to get a divorce??

How old are your children?

Since you said " we " , I'm assuming he is the biologically father of the 3, right?
Because custody and child support are other issues you will have to deal with.

I'm assuming he has a higher salary. I can't quote you the study or source, but statitically speaking, women do worse financially in a divorce.

If you cannot afford the house payment, utilities, taxes, insurance etc.. Find a more affordable place first and sell the house so it is not your liability, or you may split the profit from the sale.

Get a good lawyer - - divorce law depends on the state and even the county.
Remember - no divorce is amicable.

There are a lot of reason that I want a divorce, I posted a question about leaving in the marriage portion of this site. I am trying to get as much insight as I can about these types of things, from people that aren't directly around me. For short, he's very controlling very insecure, and very abusive. I have just in the past year came out of denial about him being verbally, mentally, and now starting physically. We have a 5 year old and 3 year old twins, and yes they are biologically his. Which makes it even harder. He does have a higher salary, and that's one of my problems, I don't want to take him for broke, but I don't want to hurt myself and our children, by not getting what we deserve. Also I know he would fight me tooth and nail about everything, its his way or the highway, and I don't want to have a crazy he said she said type of thing to go through.

Like the other responders have stated - you need an attorney. Your husband just cannot execute his own will as he he wants. Something like a house - the Judge could say to sell it and split the profits 50/50. You really need to speak to a good divorce lawyer and be informed as to your rights and responsibilities and what you need to do in order to protect yourself and children. You need to know what you can and cannot do and what you can expect to happen. Nothing brings out all the ugliness like a divorce. It could be bumpy ride but worth the cost.

And that's what I worry about, how ugly and spitefull he is now, I am terrified to see what he would be like during a divorce. Hes not very good at communication. Part of the problem. I talk and ask questions, he yells and punches a door..? I don't get it?

I think you "get" more than you give yourself credit for. Your attorney may suggest a legal separation and if that happens, the Judge will order that no personal property be disposed of until the divorce come to court. If, in the case of your husband, he would try and sell the house - he would be in contempt of the court. Same with anything in the house. Neither one of you would be able to get rid of any assets. You would be allowed to take what would be deemed necessary. Same for him. At least that is how it worked in my case.

You can start planning now - for example, calling a woman's shelter and asking for advice. Find out as many options as you can now, so you can figure out what you need to do. You may need to leave, with the children. Plan for that. Protection is so darn important and sadly many women just miss that boat. Please take care of all the essentials and get your ducks in a row. Because you know he will pull out all the stops to get his way and make sure you will be left with nothing. Best of all to you.

Let me say from personal experience... My ex was also very controlling, which came from being insecure. When I hired a lawyer to draw up paperwork, he never even took me to court. He just signed. Make it clear that you feel in control now, even if you don't. You might be as surprised as I was at the way an insecure person will react.

Yeah, it is always a nasty thing to split up like this. What you need to know is that it happens every day a hundred times, and even though we all like to think we are "different" there are really not allot of diff. in most cases. The threats and all of this stuff, happens to almost everyone. My advice get a counselor, at least give it another try. If no luck with that act like everything is fine until you have everything in place, (consult therapist, counselor and lawyer as well as anyone else you can think of) there is no point in debating all this stuff with him, so stay cool.

Sorry to hear about your situation

Even if you were not to divorce, every spouse should know

bank account[s]
credit card[s]
credit report
assets
debts and their account numbers
soc sec #[s]

start saving "mad" / emergency money

you mention abuse. Of you and /or children?
have you contacted the authorities?
Unfortunately this can make the abuse worse - so beware!
can you legally prove this?
have an emergency plan = who could you and your children stay with?
Don't mention divorce or separation - this could make your situation worse.

Lawyer?

Also, as scary as it is, don't delay if things have happened in the past. Protect ypuraelf and your kids.

Thank you all so much for the advise. I try to tell myself, women, and some men, do this everyday, so why can't I. what makes them stornger then I am, or braver. Then it makes me wonder if he has done more to me emotionally and mentally then I even think. At first when he started the whole controlling/insecurity thing, I thought is was just how much he loved me, then when it really started bothering me that I couldn't even go out with my mother, or his without him going nuts, that it was a problem. I started looking and doing some research and finally realized that I was being abused in so many dif ways. I don't know if I knew it and just denied it or I was just blinded.. I don't know, but the only time the police were ever called, was actually this 3\17, was my birthday, and we ended up getting in this crazy fight, first in the car then he chased me down the street and tackled me in the snow. And my friends neighbor saw everything and called the police. They came and talked to him, then to me, and left. I had my friends husband take me home, and when he got home, he went nuts. Broke almost every door in the house, broke some plants, broke his hand. Told me to get out, if I[m going to call the cops on him, I told him it wasn't me, told me to walk up the road, well we live in the middle of nowhere, at 4am I didn't know what to do. The police have made a report, so. I don't know I try to have a backbone, and stand up to him, but that just makes him more mad. I try not saying anything and that makes him more mad. Then 2 days later he's fine, and appoligizes, then the following week, the same thing happens, then a few months will go by and it happens again. There have been enough witnesses that have seen and heard, that hopefully I wouldn't have a problem legally, but you never know I guess, and I don't know many people that have gone through these types of things for these reasons, so I'm kind of in the dark.