Met a guy that I like. We have been dating for 1,5 month now. We have met more or less 2 times pr week. We met for coffee the first time. 2. time we met for lunch. 3. time for a quick coffee. We are going to the same university so that's why we have so many coffee breaks. We do not talk on the phone, but make agreements via sms. We text ever second day, more or less, and 50/50 who sends the message first. He always answers and I always answer. He was the one taking initiative to meet outside university so we went for dinner and to a bar. He paid the for that e dinner and half of the drinks we had. We ended up going back to his place and we had sex. I thought I could have screwed it up by going to his house, but no... he kept on contacting me. He wanted to meet me at the university again, and so we had coffee breaks like usual, and lunch. Again he asked if I wanted to plan something for the weekend and I suggested that we could go to his place for some wine and cheese and just hang out. I also made it clear that my living situation here is a bit hard because I share flat. I brought some wine and he had bought the crackers and cheese. We had sex again, and it was great. He hugs and holds around me all night and we have breakfasts. But I know it can mean nothing but good manners. That day I felt like I got kicked out. He started talking about all the things he had to do, but asked if I wanted to go to a coffee shop for something to drink in the sunshine. We went to the park actually and he invited me for a coffee. After a while he said " I hate to do this, but I need to get things done". He followed me to the train and kissed me good bye and said he had had a great time. He also talked about all these cool restaurants he wanted to take me to. I started to like him better and thought about inviting him for dinner the coming week.

We met at the university again for lunch. I asked if he wanted to go to the movies since I had won tickets and there was a great movie starting in one hour. He had nothing to do, but still he said no. I know I would have gone to the movies with him if it was a movie that meant a lot, which this movie did to me. We had lunch, and I skipped the movie, of course. Then I asked if we could meet for the weekend again. And he said he could, except from Saturday night because he had a party he had to go to. He said we could watch a movie first, then he could invite me for dinner and then he needed to go to the party. I planned the movie and he planned the dinner. We watched an OK movie, not the one I wanted to see because I knew he needed to meet his friends. That was the best day. We had a great time and no sex. Again I contacted him thanking him for the date and said I hoped to see him before he was going to back to his home town next weekend again. He invited me for dinner at his house. He cooked for me and had put some effort into it. I offered to help and said next time I would invite him home to me, no matter what. He said it was his pleasure. I brought the desert. We had sex after that and non of us had been drinking alcohol. We hugged and talked. He again wanted me out kind of early in the evening, saying he had plenty to do.

That weekend he went home it was my birthday. I did not know from him since Friday, and on Sunday he texted me. He forgot my birthday. Did not matter. I said I was looking forward to seeing him and asked him about his weekend at home. He was going to meet me yesterday for a coffee but canceled. He said he had a deadline. I knew it was a lie by the way it was written. I checked the web page of his faculty and saw that the deadline of his exam was on Friday. I got my gut feeling confirmed. Then I said he could always text after deadline if he wanted to join me for dinner because I was going to be there all evening. He did not reply. 3 hours later he said he was busy and would be busy until Friday and that I should eat alone. Fine. I said I had a busy week to and that I wanted to see him after Friday, maybe for the weekend if he was not going to be too busy. He replied " We should be able to figure out something, as i said i have plenty of things this week but sooner or later I guess it should be possible that we meet" I felt very rejected.

In the beginning he flirted a lot, but lately he hasn't flirted much. He seems emotionally distant and the messaged are very laid back and more friendly that flirty. I also feel that everything is according to his agenda, that his friends are number 1 priority and me if he is alone. He has come late to 2 appointments and has rejected some of my suggestions, that's why I haven't taken the initiative that much neither. He is 7 years older than me. We have different interests, but are the same in more important things like values. There is chemistry but I am not in love and I don't think he is crazy about me neither. He is very determined in what he does which is good, but not too good if he is going to have me waiting every time. I made my plans for the rest of the week, except from Saturday. Was thinking that this time I am not going to sit and wait for when it is good for him. It is very hard to read him. I don't know what he wants. I haven't been too direct neither, and held back. I have said I enjoy his company and that I have been thinking about him when I don't see him. He has said the same type of things.

Well there is no question but I guess I can assume what you would be asking.

You shouldn't be upset at all because you established yourself as a friend with benefits. He gets his cake and gets to eat it too. That is what happens when you jump into sex so fast. Lesson learned I would think.

"Was thinking that this time I am not going to sit and wait for when it is good for him." Best thing you said in that long post. Keeping yourself active is emotionally healthy.

You don't really have a lot of time invested into this so consider it a lesson learned and don't be so willing to give it up in the future.

Well. Guess you are right. All this dating thing is hard. Started having sex with a guy before too, who ended up being my boyfriend for 3 years. I am liberal and don't like games. If both like each other why not have sex. I am not sleeping around. If he only wants to be friend with benefits, then why did he ask if I was completely over my ex? Why did he bother to pay for 2 dinners out that did not lead to sex non of the times, he also paid quit a lot. Why does he want to take me to other things, like concerts and restaurants. We write messages about " how has your day been" type too, and he initiates them. Not only me. I thought all those were signals of him wanting something more. He also asked if we could go jogging together one day. Well. I am not going to convince myself neither. I think something is holding him back. I haven't met his friends. He doesn't put me as number one priority and the messages have become kind of cold. He cancelled the coffedate yesterday. All these signs are no good, and the message was very cold and he did not want to commit to any date. He served me one lie too yesterday when he cancelled.

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Originally Posted by millilo

Well. Guess you are right. All this dating thing is hard. Started having sex with a guy before too, who ended up being my boyfriend for 3 years. I am liberal and don't like games. If both like each other why not have sex. I am not sleeping around. If he only wants to be friend with benefits, then why did he ask if I was completely over my ex? Why did he bother to pay for 2 dinners out that did not lead to sex non of the times, he also paid quit a lot. Why does he want to take me to other things, like concerts and restaurants. We write messages about " how has your day been" type too, and he initiates them. Not only me. I thought all those were signals of him wanting something more. He also asked if we could go jogging together one day. Well. I am not going to convince myself neither. I think something is holding him back. I haven't met his friends. He doesn't put me as number one priority and the messages have become kind of cold. He cancelled the coffedate yesterday. All these signs are no good, and the message was very cold and he did not want to commit to any date. He served me one lie too yesterday when he cancelled.

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I was going to add to my first post but got busy doing something else.

Please don't take this as harsh. But some of your behaviors and conversations with him show me you are a little needy. Needy isn't attractive to anyone. Maybe you appear to be rushing into a relationship. Remember, other than physically you don't know this guy that well. It's only been 1.5 months. Maybe he had a bad break up. Maybe he was in the middle of taking a break from woman. Maybe he loves hanging out with his friends and until you become an important person in his life, they remain the priority. You just don't have the answers to a lot of questions.

As far as canceling the coffee date yesterday, you have played prosecuting attorney, judge, and jury with that one. You have developed a nice lie for him, believing it to be true, when in fact you don't know it to be true or not. Maybe he got a stomach ache, the runs, a migraine, an argument with his sister, etc. What I am saying is you are developing lies for him and believing them without communicating with him.

Why, why, why? Only he knows why, but you seem to want to argue with the advice above, which I think is good advice. You were casual. To you that means not playing games, but it still was definitely casual. He liked you, and I highly doubt that he was lying about anything. He just cooled off for some reason. It could be school pressure (graduate, post graduate? Being 7 years older than you) or it could be that someone else came along. C'est la vie.

As for lies, maybe they were, maybe you are mistaken. And some lies are polite lies to keep from hurting someone, or because they can't say that they want to end the relationship, and hope you will just get the message and give up.

You say you are new to dating, but had a 3 year relationship. That was just ONE! You will probably have many dates that end like this. You even say you aren't in love with him, so it sounds like there is no spark and no possibility of one. Why on earth is it important that he keep this going?

You seem particularly sensitive to his busy schedule and being 'kicked out,' even though it was after a wonderful full night together. You may have more free time than he does, and he just doesn't want that kind of life.

And lastly - and I hope this isn't mean - you wrote on and on in excruciating detail about each meeting, like a teenager's diary, instead of summarizing, with some insights added, and there was also a lot lacking in the way of feeling (counting hugs doesn't tell much about how YOU felt about him). I hope you meet someone who brings out real feeling. He might have sensed that it wasn't 'real' enough.

You are doing too much thinking now and not enough in the beginning.

The way you find out if a guy likes you for yourself is that you let him take the lead. Let him call and ask you out. If you have a nice time, you thank him and tell him you had a great time. You don't have sex with him. If he asks you out again, you accept if you had fun the first time and were impressed with him. Then, you make an effort - show interest in what he has to say, be a good sport about what he has planned, be appreciative and understanding if he can't afford to go all out as a university student. The third time, you invite him to do something. Guys have a hard time letting girls pay (well, the right guys do in my opinion) so plan something like a picnic (not in either of your apartments). You fix and bring all the food. Or buy tickets to something and invite him to it so you aren't taking your wallet out when you're with him. Then again, you see if he wants to plan something else.

Sex should not happen until you are at the very least in an exclusive dating relationship. You can kiss a guy without going to bed with him.

The quality guys will put in the time because they are looking for a relationship. The immature guys who just want sex will not. The second group will have sex with you but will not be in a real relationship with you, which will leave you feeling used.

You can still fix this by saying, "hey, I think this got sexual too fast. I still want to see you and get to know you but I think I need to take a step back. Like, I don't know if you're looking for a relationship, if you're seeing other girls - I have no idea. We should probably have worked through that before we started having a sexual relationship, but we can still figure it out now." And be honest about what you're looking for - if you want a relationship, say, "I'm looking for a serious and committed relationship". He might say, "well, I just want fun and not to be pinned down", then you say, "it's too bad because I really like you but I think that arrangements going to break my heart down the line, so I'm going to have to let you go."

Don't be any guy's booty call.

I might be fooling myself a bit. I am not in love in the sense of losing my head. I get butterflies when we are out, but not sure about my own feelings. That is why I want to continue to see if it can turn into something. The chemistry and attraction is there. The only thing to find out is if he is using me as a friend with benefits. I will ask him if I see him again. To know.

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Originally Posted by millilo

I might be fooling myself a bit. I am not in love in the sense of losing my head. I get butterflies when we are out, but not sure about my own feelings. That is why I want to continue to see if it can turn into something. The chemistry and attraction is there. The only thing to find out is if he is using me as a friend with benefits. I will ask him if I see him again. To know.

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I don't think you have a right to ask him that. You had sex with him willingly, and right from the beginning at that. You don't get to feel 'used' if the relationship cools. You were both getting to know each other, but you were moving too fast for your own heart's protection from vulnerability. Let him go. If he contacts you down the line, tell him then that you don't feel right about it because of the way he disappeared, but don't tell him you felt used or ask him if he was using you.

' I am liberal and don't like games. If both like each other why not have sex.'
You seem to have an inner conflict with your own views about yourself.
Time to be less casual, I would say.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

I don't think you have a right to ask him that. You had sex with him willingly, and right from the beginning at that. You don't get to feel 'used' if the relationship cools. You were both getting to know each other, but you were moving too fast for your own heart's protection from vulnerability. Let him go. If he contacts you down the line, tell him then that you don't feel right about it because of the way he disappeared, but don't tell him you felt used or ask him if he was using you.

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Totally agree with the above.

PS: How is it that you have been dating him 1 1/2 months? You were here writing about the man you had lived with for 4 years just a week ago.

Hehe, not so straight to the point. I will not contact him. There is a balance between acting needy and acting as if one is not interested. To me that is an art. I might have acted very cold, and he could believe I am only after sex since I have been holding back with expressing emotions, plans etc. I know he is more cold, and I don't even think he will contact me again. If he does I will find out what his intentions are without pushing. If he makes it clear that he likes me as a friend and enjoys my company but nothing more, then I will for sure cancel it. I will tell him how I feel without freaking him out. And then I won't have to think more about it. I honestly think if a man is into a girl the signals will be clearer. And I also think joypuls has a good point in letting him know that it is not cool to disappear, that it made me very insecure about the whole thing. I don't really regret having had sex, so in that sense I don't feel used. I enjoyed it too. But since I like him and want to date more I need to know that he is not only enjoying the benefits.

I don't want to be recognized. I finished with my ex a while ago. It might be too early to get involved with any guy at the moment. But why to wait until a guy I like gets taken. I gave it a chance, but if nothing turns out I will have a break from dating. I just want advice trying to tell as detailed as I can without telling exact dates etc. That is also why my new date asked if my ex and me were finished. We are, and I have nothing to do with him. I loved him a lot. But more than I could handle of disappointments, lies, the child, the ex etc. I have only had 2 boyfriends, and I am not referring to him above. That was the first boyfriend who I was together with for 3 years. I am too old to be wasting time, but at least I know better what I want.

I felt very bad about the break up, because he wrote me and called me every day. I felt awful about it. But I can't waste my time on guys who are not worth my time. The one guy who treated me very well was my first boyfriend, very respectful. I hope to find someone like that again.

There is chemistry but I am not in love and I don't think he is crazy about me neither.

You guys are a little over a month into a relationship. Of course he was paying for meals and being all sweet are first. Your relationship has seemed to turn into a friends with benefits type of thing. You are not a priority to him, so he sees you when he decides to make time.
I say leave him alone unless you want to continue to be his option.

I feel slightly fooled, but I have myself to thank. But how can guys be so calculated. If that's the case he must be a psycho, especially when he knows my father is dying and that I have been spending plenty of time at the hospital lately. These are things he said in the beginning:
- Not often I meet a woman who is pretty and smart who I can have good conversations with.
- I have been thinking about you
- Lets not mention exes, I get a bit jealous. ( He had mentioned his, and I had mentioned mine, so we decided to avoid to mention them for good)
- He spent plenty of time talking and asked me about me, my plans, my family, how they are, how the relationship with them is

Then all of a sudden after I had rejected him first time we met, due to the things with my ex he sent a message many months later, just asking how I was doing and about my studies. I answered polite and he did not suggest to meet.

When we met again, after my initiative he still said nice things, like one month ago and he complements me a lot still.

- Asked if we could go jogging together
-Said he wanted to take me to a place he thought I liked because of my interest for mexican culture.
- Asked me for several meeting during day time. Coffe, lunch and dinner without taking me home. ( I guess now that this neither means anything but him keeping me holding on, making me feel appreciated)
- He planned in advance many days before, and planned for us to be together the whole day knowing he won't take me home
- Lent me 2 movies to watch at home and said some of them he wanted us to watch together
-Talked to me about his studies and challenges and asked me about my interests and family
-Talked to me about friends and mentioned their names
-Came to the university straight after hours on the train just to see me for lunch. He had nothing else to do at the university that day, so he came all the way to spend one hour with me.
- Came to my work place just to say hi
- Offered to cook for me for lunch if I get tired of the food at the unviversity
-Said he was going to get me a birthday gift
-Asked me about the sickness of my dad
- Texted me when he knew I was at a wedding one whole day with my mother, just to ask how the wedding was going ( He has done that every now and then, just asking how it is going)
-Said he admires how I study
- Showed me some of his work and asked me for opinions
- plenty of complements about my looks
- Said he wants to go on a trip with me
- Wrote long messages from his parents house about some trouble he had there and wanted comfort
-Told a lot about his mom
- About his childhood


Warning signs
- His friends come first, and has mentioned that he will never be with a woman who tries to separate him from them as is the case for one of his friends
- He has complimented me in a sexual way once
- He seems to avoid that I put effort into the dating ( maybe because he doesn't want to owe me anything)
- He cancelled last time with a lie
- He takes less contact and acts colder than before
- If I suggest something he can't sign up immidiatly

Maybe he liked me in the beginning, but not any longer.He is in his mid 30s and I know he finished with his ex long time ago. I did think he knew what he was looking for and ready to establish.

As mentioned. I have to stop analyzing. I have never gotten more twisted signals from a man in my life. Maybe he is a jerk, but very good at hiding it, and plays his cards well. I am glad I wrote here, because it surelly opened my eyes. I thought he had just lost some interest, but not that his intentions could have been to have me as a friend with benefits all the way. I am a bit shocked. Wouldn't it be easier and cheaper to pay for a prostitue. Then he would not have to cook, and spend his time in the reastaurants and at the uni. I am angry thinking it could have been has a hidden agenda. As you say, best case it started as something he was interesting in, and now it has become his friend with benefit game.Then no wonder he is single at that age. And if his previous relationship was so well functioning as he claims, then why did she dump him..

Screw him I guess.

I am still conflustered (confused + flustered) over what you wrote last week vs. what you wrote today - as Joy so nicely pointed out.

If last week's posting was from a while ago, it's concerning that you would waste the people's time on here that volunteer to offer their help and suggestions. Whatever you just wrote above is long and I am very less likely to read it now.

Just being honest...

I still don't think you see the disconnect between your theories about relationships and your emotional ability to put them into practice.
But I don't want to keep repeating myself.
Sounds like you will survive, and are capable of meeting good men. Saying 'screw him' is a healthy way of getting someone out of your mind, and as the anger goes away, you can be free to just be yourself. It is very good for the psyche to be alone between relationships, to know that you enjoy your own company, and don't 'require' a man. It's also good for the next man you meet, to know that you are secure within yourself.

I don't see where he is calculating. I see where you have read things into a one month relationship that's not there.

Thanks for being honest all. And reading the long post:) I just let out some frustration and understand that you don't bother to read the same over and over again. I feel a bit pathetic, needy, vulnerable, confused etc. Thinking I am stronger than what I am. The best is to get back to a normal life alone. Maybe years since last time, and I never suffered being single, the difference is that now I am older and having a dad pushing for grandchildren, indirectly. I gave the guy a shot since it is hard to find someone getting close to 30 and this guy gave me the impression of being a gentle man who I had chemistry with, who actually wanted to date. Thought it was better to see if he wanted to meet than to wait and maybe he would be taken.

Time will tell if something better is waiting out there.

Good night:)

You dated this guy a month. It takes longer than that to see if the guy/girl is marriage material. The dating process it to see if you are a match. After a month, this guy does not think you are.
Having sex so soon with him and continuing to do so when he has the time also may tell him you are not the person he wants to settle down with. These are choices you made. He did not fool you.

Well. I think that when people spend time together, kiss good bye, have lunch, coffe and gets involved in the private life of each other one should make it clear from early on that one is not interested in a relationship with anyone at the moment. I could not have intentionally had a friend with benefit giving mixed signals. It is better to be honest and call it what it is. I would not worry about giving a birthday present to a friend with benefits, neither would I bother to walk miles for a coffe break. If one is confused that's fine, but if the intention is nothing more than sex it is not right ,( in my eyes) to keep pushing and pulling by being warm and cold. Maybe I am an idiot when it comes to interpreting signals, but who comes for coffe several times a week, saying " I have been thinking about you", thinking it won't give the wrong signals to the other one... and wanting to take a walk by the lake. It creates tensions and it turns into an " obsession" to get some of the good warm signs. I think it is low. Totally OK if a person had feelings in the beginning, but not intentionally. It would have saved me some headache if he had been more clear. Next time I will have to be very well aware of signals, and stay away from sex until he gets tired of waiting, wait for him to call ( but then I usually think they are too intense and can be stalkers). I guess I misinterpreted the signals for many weeks. The culture where I come from is very liberal too, just to have it mentioned. So sex on the first date is not so abnormal.