Ask Me Help Desk - Coping with infidelity

My husband also had an affair and has a child only found out after the child was 3 years old. Love him and have two children of our own, been married for 15 years been together 24. He tells me he loves me and it was a mistake, but know he met her at least 10 years ago, so not sure what to believe. He won't be totally honest about the relationship with her and just keeps saying he's sorry. I forgave him and gave him ground rules which he broke them again by going to see the child behind my back. Not sure what to do now he says he doesn't want to throw away our marriage but I don't know if I can trust him anymore. every time I say we need to talk he clams up saying none of it is my falt I am not to blame its all his falt, but we never sort anything out. I know he wants to see the child and hurts me when he says he loves him and misses him, I wonder if there is something else he is not telling me as he seems to keep trying to brush it all under the carpet and won't talk about it honestly.

Everything you are feeling is completely normal. So don't you punish you for any of this.

You are in a difficult situation. You forgave him yes but the realization that he had an affair and a child will always be with you, and that is one of the toughest parts. I am not sure if I would ever be so forgiving.

It is also not the child's fault as he is totally innocent in this. Regardless of how he came to be he deserves and should see his father. So by forgiving and staying with your husband, you are going to have to accept this child into your life on some level.

If your husband is truly sorry then he needs to follow the ground rules that you two come up with regarding this whole situation. Anything less will not be good for your relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Oliver2011

Everything you are feeling is completely normal. So don't you punish you for any of this.

You are in a difficult situation. You forgave him yes but the realization that he had an affair and a child will always be with you, and that is one of the toughest parts. I am not sure if I would ever be so forgiving.

It is also not the child's fault as he is totally innocent in this. Regardless of how he came to be he deserves and should see his father. So by forgiving and staying with your husband, you are going to have to accept this child into your life on some level.

If your husband is truly sorry then he needs to follow the ground rules that you two come up with regarding this whole situation. Anything less will not be good for your relationship.

Can't believe I'm on this site talking about my problems, I have a supporting family, but I know they don't really understand what an emotional roller coaster I'm on. From day one of finding out I gave my husband the option of seeing his child and said I would support him as long as I was present and everything was in the open. This was over 3 months ago, since then he's still phoned txted and been to see him without me present and I only found out because I was told by other people. When I confronted him he said it was all to save me from pain as he knew he was hurting me. I'm at my wits end as I need honesty and to know if its just the child he is keeping in touch with or her. I always have to be the one to bring up the subject of our future and moving on, he just says he wishes he could run away from it all, but that's not possible.

Ditto what Oliver said.
He went to see the child, not the mother. Forgive him. Love him even more for wanting to be a father to all his offspring.
As there is more and more divorce and more children without marriage, we become a world of sharers.
Share!

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

Ditto what Oliver said.
He went to see the child, not the mother. Forgive him. Love him even more for wanting to be a father to all his offspring.
As there is more and more divorce and more children without marriage, we become a world of sharers.
Share!

I think your answer is a bit black and white beings as you don't know all the circumstances how can you possibly say he only went to see the child. If someone has had a long term affair how will you know if it is over espscially if they have a child with that person.

I am not going to make excuses for his behavior. It is very wrong for him to place blame on you. He made his choices and now both of you have to pick up the pieces. He needs to accept his responsibility in this mess and to make adaptions to clean up the mess and to keep it from happening again. You need to understand that if you want to save the marriage you have a responsibility to allow trust to regrow and to let the negative emotions go. I am not saying to forget. But don't make it front and center in your thoughts.

I know there is an instinctive need to know what happened between the adults and what his feelings for her are. However, he may never be able to be open about those. You may have to learn to accept it is over (if he tells you it is) and move forward (that is allowing trust to regrow.) The only thing you need to try to discuss with him is why he felt the need to stray. Why does he think it is 'your fault'? What needs to be worked on in the marriage to keep this from happening again? I am not saying you did anything wrong. There may be issues that have grown over the years that you haven't noticed and he didn't try to discuss. If you can both see where there is an issue, you can still work together to fix it.

Sit down with him and together discuss what you both expect and need to work through this. One of those needs may be requesting he see the child when she isn't present. You might also request that his only contact with her be about the child and that he should be upfront and honest about those communications.

I am going to suggest Marriage Counseling. If you have already tried counseling and feel it didn't work, try a different counselor. It may be that another counselor's personality or methods might work better for you.

You might consider seeing a counselor on your own as a way to work through the emotions and thoughts you are experiencing. It may help you decide if you can forgive enough to allow trust to rebuild or if you would be better off walking away before more damage is done.

No matter what path you take (staying and trying to work things out or leaving and starting over) it isn't going to be easy and without a few ups and downs. It will take time. It will take hard work and a lot of energy from both of you. It will take a willingness to work as a team instead of pulling against each other.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

I am not going to make excuses for his behavior. It is very wrong for him to place blame on you. He made his choices and now both of you have to pick up the pieces. He needs to accept his responsibility in this mess and to make adaptions to clean up the mess and to keep it from happening again. You need to understand that if you want to save the marriage you have a responsibility to allow trust to regrow and to let the negative emotions go. I am not saying to forget. But don't make it front and center in your thoughts.

I know there is an instinctive need to know what happened between the adults and what his feelings for her are. However, he may never be able to be open about those. You may have to learn to accept it is over (if he tells you it is) and move forward (that is allowing trust to regrow.) The only thing you need to try to discuss with him is why he felt the need to stray. Why does he think it is 'your fault'? What needs to be worked on in the marriage to keep this from happening again? I am not saying you did anything wrong. There may be issues that have grown over the years that you haven't noticed and he didn't try to discuss. If you can both see where there is an issue, you can still work together to fix it.

Sit down with him and together discuss what you both expect and need to work through this. One of those needs may be requesting he see the child when she isn't present. You might also request that his only contact with her be about the child and that he should be upfront and honest about those communications.

I am going to suggest Marriage Counseling. If you have already tried counseling and feel it didn't work, try a different counselor. It may be that another counselor's personality or methods might work better for you.

You might consider seeing a counselor on your own as a way to work through the emotions and thoughts you are experiencing. It may help you decide if you can forgive enough to allow trust to rebuild or if you would be better off walking away before more damage is done.

No matter what path you take (staying and trying to work things out or leaving and starting over) it isn't going to be easy and without a few ups and downs. It will take time. It will take hard work and a lot of energy from both of you. It will take a willingness to work as a team instead of pulling against each other.

Thanks for your post: Just to say again as previously, he hasn't blamed me he says it is all his falt and I am not to blame in the slightest. He constantly says he is sorry for his mistake and wants us to work. Its now all a case of how? All what you say about my ground rules I have done. I just don't feel that he wants to deal with it, which frustrates me as I am doing nothing but supporting him.

Also we had our two girls later in life as we are both professionals so they are still very young. if we introduce another child to them what do I say, how do we explain it to them?

It would be unfair for you to make him stop seeing his child, maybe go with him when he does this so you feel more comfortable?