Originally Posted by
Cat1864
I am not going to make excuses for his behavior. It is very wrong for him to place blame on you. He made his choices and now both of you have to pick up the pieces. He needs to accept his responsibility in this mess and to make adaptions to clean up the mess and to keep it from happening again. You need to understand that if you want to save the marriage you have a responsibility to allow trust to regrow and to let the negative emotions go. I am not saying to forget. But don't make it front and center in your thoughts.
I know there is an instinctive need to know what happened between the adults and what his feelings for her are. However, he may never be able to be open about those. You may have to learn to accept it is over (if he tells you it is) and move forward (that is allowing trust to regrow.) The only thing you need to try to discuss with him is why he felt the need to stray. Why does he think it is 'your fault'? What needs to be worked on in the marriage to keep this from happening again? I am not saying you did anything wrong. There may be issues that have grown over the years that you haven't noticed and he didn't try to discuss. If you can both see where there is an issue, you can still work together to fix it.
Sit down with him and together discuss what you both expect and need to work through this. One of those needs may be requesting he see the child when she isn't present. You might also request that his only contact with her be about the child and that he should be upfront and honest about those communications.
I am going to suggest Marriage Counseling. If you have already tried counseling and feel it didn't work, try a different counselor. It may be that another counselor's personality or methods might work better for you.
You might consider seeing a counselor on your own as a way to work through the emotions and thoughts you are experiencing. It may help you decide if you can forgive enough to allow trust to rebuild or if you would be better off walking away before more damage is done.
No matter what path you take (staying and trying to work things out or leaving and starting over) it isn't going to be easy and without a few ups and downs. It will take time. It will take hard work and a lot of energy from both of you. It will take a willingness to work as a team instead of pulling against each other.