I am 24 and he is 22. First mistake made by me?

We've been together for 4 years and love each other very much. I'm his first love and he is mine. For the majority of our relationship I was away at university and so we only really saw each other at the weekend. Last year I graduated and started my new job. We live 30mins from each other so I had hoped that we would see more of each other but that didn't happen. Our 'dating schedule' is the same as ever, I may as well still be 2hours away at uni!

I've broached the subject of seeing of one another and moving the relationship forwards. Unfortunately, we're both very busy people during the week because of our jobs which I pointed out to him. The solution in my eyes, I told him, was to live together.

There have been 3 main excuses for why this can't happen:
1) his sister was ill (that was a hard time for us all, but she is better now)

2) his mum would be upset (wtf? )

3) he isn't financially ready (this would be fine if he didn't insist that he still wanted a holiday with me every year plus a holiday every year with his friends! He claims if we can't easily afford to do all those things then he thinks we can't afford to live together. So basically he doesn't want anything to change right?)

My other issue with the situation is that when I stop to think about what we mainly fight about, it's that I'm saying "it's been four years, we still only see each other at the weekends" yet he'd happily leave it two weeks between seeing me.

He says he does want to live with me, but when he's financially ready which I don't actually believe. He says there's a future 'waiting for us' but I'm not willing to wait another year of only seeing each other at the weekends

Am I asking too much, or am I right in saying that I've outgrown him? Is it time to move on?

24 / 22 shouldn't matter, but sometimes there is a huge amount of growing in the early 20s and sometimes there isn't.

I suspect that he has it too good with his mother catering to his every need, providing a roof over his head, good food, doing his laundry, who knows what else, all for free, so that he can afford two holidays a year, for starters.

That's just the way it goes sometimes. I'd plan to ease out of this relationship, painful as it might be. It will be a worse kind of pain down the line, and you won't be any younger.

Ultimatums aren't the way to deal with it. Just tell him why you are breaking up. If he misses you enough, he can prove it.

Maybe a compromise?

The bigger issue might be simply finding time to spend together, without the pressure of taking the step to live together.

You both have busy lives- everybody has busy lives, but making time for those you love has to be worked into the relationship, even if it's time marked on the calendar along with everything else.

Just living together will not necessarily solve any problems.

If he's saying he's not ready, he will be forced to come up with a reason, so your feelings aren't hurt, and the relationship won't end.

What kind of conversations come about when the issue of living together come up. Are you agreeable to a bigger commitment? Is he? What are the plans for the next six months, or the next year. Is marriage something the two of you have discussed?

In other words, taking another step- a serious one of living together, will involve another step, and another step. Maybe he is conscious of this, and realizes it is not unreasonable for you to want to move forward. But, maybe he is moving forward more slowly, because he is simply not ready to take a major step at all, just yet.

But, after 4 years, and things not moving forward, I agree that you do need to decide how long you are going to wait. I would suggest picking a special time, just the two of you, off to a coffee shop on a weekend, and commit to 2 hours. No interruptions.

Tell him how you feel, and more importantly, how he feels about the future. Tell him that after four years you need a bigger commitment than what you have now. It doesn't have to be the whole shebang, but enough effort invested in the relationship (time) so you feel at least you are moving forward.

When push comes to shove in these situations, the one holding back, will back out entirely. So, see what the two of you can come up with, and talk through, about your future together, and what you can reasonably expect to happen.

If in six months, or a year, if things have not improved any further than what they are now, I would consider after 4 1/2 or 5 years, that nothing will likely happen, and consideration to move on and might be in order.

Out grown, I don't know, but you have certainly changed and want more than a weekend date. Express that and see where it goes, and be aware that living together is a huge commitment that he obviously isn't ready for. Hell spending more time together is a huge commitment he isn't ready for, but you are.

Make sure he absolutely knows you expect a lot more.

You're looking at his reasons as excuses because they aren't what you want to hear. Have you tried listening to them from his point of view? Have you paid attention to what he is saying instead of immediately down-playing his concerns? If you are treating him like a child whose opinions on the subject don't matter, then he may be thinking about waiting until he actually feels like he has a say in the relationship. I know that may not be how you are seeing the conflict, but this is about his perception which could be very different than your own.

I don't think you have out-grown the relationship. I think you are feeling a bit frustrated at the amount of time you have together and seeing quantity instead of quality. Couples can live in the house and still not spend any time together.

You need to see if there is a compromise. If work permits time during the week, see if you can meet up to break out of the rut you are in. If you normally do the same things when you are together, try making different plans. But don't force the issue of living together because you think it will magically solve all of the problems.

Talk about the future. Listen to his plans and give them the same thought you want him to give yours. If you can't handle his thoughts or find a compromise to suit both of you. Then you may need to accept that it isn't going to work out.

Silly question. Who would move where in your scenario?

You live 30 minutes apart, you're both working according to your post. So, if he moves to your area he'd have a 30 minute commute to work, or more. He can't even make that commute during the week so he can see you, and you're not making the commute during the week to see him either. Doesn't seem ideal to me.

Moving in together is a huge step. It's also a tricky step. You buy things together, sign a lease together, and if it doesn't work, it's a huge mess. Maybe he's not ready for that sort of commitment, and all the strings attached to it.

Doesn't mean he's a lost cause, just means he's not ready. Just because you are, and he isn't, isn't a reason to break up IMO.

I assumed perhaps wrongly that both are living with parents, only 5 months out of uni, and that living together would be a new place, half way between jobs.

To my mind 4 years into a relationship two people should be wanting to both be together more than weekends and certainly not letting 2 weeks slide by. I still think it's time to let him go. If he wants to change his mind he can check back with you when he really is ready to see if you are available.

Does he believe in living together before marriage? I did it and married the guy a year later, but I regret having done so. Huge mistake. I don't advocate living together before marriage. For one thing, it erases the main benefit if dating... staying independent financially and otherwise until you know you found the right person and are ready for marriage. You also lose the chance to be away from the person to have a chance to think about how you feel.

You are very dismissive if his reasons. For example, even with my own children grown, I still care what my parents think. I make my own decisions but I respect the values they taught me. I wouldn't appreciate my boyfriend acting like I'm a loser for caring about pleading my family. The financial reasons make sense, too. He wants to maintain his standard of living, and move to the next step when his income accommodates it. That's a smart guy.