Ok so here it goes. I've been dating this girl for 3 yrs. Before we got together I was a pill addict. I stopped to be with her she was not into them at all! We were inseparable for the 3yrs. We have been living with each other for close to 2 1/2 yrs. I wound up relapsing a year into our relationship I got clean we had a little bump in the road ( I found out she was talking to an ex knowing that even before I met her I never liked the kid). I'm somewhat of a jealous person as she is also. Over the past years my jealousy faded. She found out I was using again we had a fall out and patched things up. We were great again. This happened twice again once after we lost a child during the pregnancy. I slipped up and used again. I admit lying to her is a ****ed up thing and never should have even gotten myself in that situation. Now she hasn't been an angel either she's lied about talking to guys. She would say it was a girlfriend of hers. Come to find out it was an ex of hers. I wasn't thrilled when I found out especially when he's asking for pics and she makes up some excuse that she doesn't have any on her phone that its new. When I confronted her about it she freaked and threw her phone. Now it got to me a little bit but I let it slide of my chest. But why lie about talking to him if there was no foul play?
For instance like the first week we were dating she said she had to leave early because some girl was running her mouth and they were going to meet up and settle it so I went home. She called me like 3 hrs later t 1am saying the girl chickened out. The next night we were walking down the boardwalk and we run into a friend of hers. Her friend comes out and goes hey so how was that kegger last night. She swiftly steps in front of me to block my view of her friend and have her the eyes like "shut the f up". So I asked her about it saying just tell me I'm not going to be mad. We were too fresh as a couple to hold grudges. Nearly 3 years down the line it comes out that she did go to the party, Now throughout our relationship I jokingly brought if up but she insisted on never going. If it was a harmless party then why lie and make it worse because now I start assuming what if anything happened that night. There was another "friend" of hers she was constantly texting telling him she's so jealous of his car that she wants to drive it blah blah blah. Nothing sexual just too friendly for me.
Flash forward 1 1/2 yrs. So after my last relapse I surrendered. I've been doing meeting using my sponsor and talking to a counselor. The last relapse was hard for her and I completely understand. I'm doing everything I possibly can to stay on the right track with my sobriety. The other night I was coming home from my NA meeting and right before I walk in I look in the door window and I see her face timing someone and it sounded like a dude. So I walk in with a smile on and pizza, as soon as I walk in she pulls the phone down and grunts saying damn I lost the connection. So I nicely say face timing huh. She replies " yea but my phones acting up". The way she pulled the phone down when I walked in didn't sit well with me. I notice she gets flustered when she lies. I've seen it and have done the same things. A few minutes go by I walk by the stove to see her call log was open so at a quick glance I see the last call was at 8:06 pm and it was the same dude again from before who was asking for pictures. I didn't walk in the door until at least 8:35/8:40. So it clicks that she was face timing for a good amount of time. After I saw the log I was a tad unnerved so trying to be a good clean person I'm working on saying what's on my mind and not nog talking to her and bottling it up. She claims the dudes voice was her friends boyfriend voice who was sitting next to her whole she was face timing. Unless IPhones have a separate call log then the main one, I know she's lying. After I explain I just want to be open to her now she turns it on me saying "well do you know how many times I wanted to ask you if you were high". I don't know what to do. Do I bring up that I saw her call log knowing that its going to end up my fault for lying to her?
I live for this girl. When she used to leave for work in the morning I used to take a pillow of hers to hold it close to me because it smelled like her. The past 3 weeks we haven't really hugged or kissed. She still kisses me goodbye every morning. I'm just so confused there's times where I feel like I was going to walk in the door and find everything of hers gone. When I said that to her she said she thought about it before. I don't know what to do some days I feel like there's progress but other days its like we're miles apart. I know I made everything this way. I take the blame. I'm just lost completely lost.
