Ask Me Help Desk - Am I wrong for seeing marriage like I do?

Am I wrong for seeing marriage like I do?

Okay so I'm the type of guy that will never want to be marry. I would matter how long I've known the woman I just simply do not like the whole idea and there's several reason. For one it's really big to trust someone that far and for me I have great trust issues, Plus I'm always hearing about marriages ending because one person disrespected that trust and the other partner end up screwed both emotionally and financially. I'm also very paranoid and this only make my thoughts of marriage worse. Another reason is because I only see it as people using it as a means to show they are formally together which personally doesn't matter. I know most girls look forward to the day they finally have a wedding they've been dreaming of, but I honestly could never give anyone that. Is my thoughts completely idiotic?

You don't plan to have any girlfriends either, short-time or long-time ones?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You don't plan to have any girlfriends either, short-time or long-time ones?

I do plan on having a girlfriend whether it be long term or short term. I just have no desire to ever be married to anyone.

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Originally Posted by Treveyon36789

I do plan on having a girlfriend whether it be long term or short term. I just have no desire to ever be married to anyone.

But you have trust issues. How are you going to manage having a girlfriend and trusting her?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

But you have trust issues. How are you going to manage having a girlfriend and trusting her?

Yes I know. Though for me dating someone isn't as bad as being married. It probably sound stupid to others, but it's just how I see things. I still have trust issues when just dating, but compared to marriage there's far less to worry about.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with not wanting to ever be married. Sometimes people marry more than once and figure it out after all the associated problems you mentioned- plus children, child support, visitation, etc.

You are wise to be sure of what you want, one way or the other. Just be straight with any girlfriend you have that might be looking for more than you are willing to give- i.e. marriage.

That is not to say that at some point in your life, you may change your mind, but my guess is if that happens, you will be as sure about marrying, as you are now sure, about not marrying.

Don't sweat it, live with your integrity and personal standards intact, and enjoy your life.

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Originally Posted by Treveyon36789

Yes I know. Though for me dating someone isn't as bad as being married. It probably sound stupid to others, but it's just how I see things. I still have trust issues when just dating, but compared to marriage there's far less to worry about.

Actually, there's far MORE to worry about! She has no commitment to you when she dates you, and can date other guys at the same time. She has no responsibility to you to tell you anything as to where she's going or what she will do there and who she will be with. Your trust issues are going to sail through the roof.

Why not work on your trust issues with a counselor before you complicate girls' lives?

So what's the point of even getting into a relationship, just date your whole life. We use to call them confirmed bachelors.

I am not saying you are right or wrong in your perception of marriage. I will tell you that it is subject to change with experience and time.

When I was 18, I felt about marriage much the way you do. I had very little trust in love or the thought of being with someone for forever. At the end of my 18th year, I met a man who changed those feelings. We have now been married 27 years. I still love and trust him as much today as I did 28 years ago when we met.

Moral of the story: Someone can always come along who encourages changes in your core beliefs. Keep in mind the old saying, Never say Never.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Actually, there's far MORE to worry about! She has no commitment to you when she dates you, and can date other guys at the same time. She has no responsibility to you to tell you anything as to where she's going or what she will do there and who she will be with. Your trust issues are going to sail through the roof.

Why not work on your trust issues with a counselor before you complicate girls' lives?

I do respect your opinion, but I feel it's the same with being married. A woman doesn't need to tell you about where's she going, who's she's with, or what's she is going to be doing. A married woman can easily cheat as much the same as a woman is is just dating. The only difference is when it happens a partner can walk away from a simple dating relationship with less loss than from a divorce. Sorry it m thoughts upset you are anything, but I just feel marriage causes more problems than dating.

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Originally Posted by Treveyon36789

I just feel marriage causes more problems than dating.

May I ask how old you are?

Have you started dating yet?

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I don't think that there is anything wrong with not wanting to ever be married. Sometimes people marry more than once and figure it out after all the associated problems you mentioned- plus children, child support, visitation, etc.

You are wise to be sure of what you want, one way or the other. Just be straight with any girlfriend you have that might be looking for more than you are willing to give- i.e. marriage.

That is not to say that at some point in your life, you may change your mind, but my guess is if that happens, you will be as sure about marrying, as you are now sure, about not marrying.

Don't sweat it, live with your integrity and personal standards intact, and enjoy your life.

Thanks you. Though if I had ever been in a long relationship with a girl I would tell her about my thoughs of marriage and the choice to stay or go is hers.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

May I ask how old you are?

Have you started dating yet?

If you must know I'm 21 and I have been dating a girl since my freshman year in college. I do have trust issues and she know this. I had simply asked this because she has brought it up before and I have shared my thoughts on it.

Whether you leave a relationship or a marriage, it is not the material things that cause the pain, it is the emotional loss.
How old are you?
If this is the way you feel, fine but I hope you let any person you become involved with know this from the start.

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Originally Posted by Treveyon36789

If you must know I'm 21 and I have been dating a girl since my freshman year in college. I do have trust issues and she know this. I had simply asked this because she has brought it up before and I have shared my thoughts on it.

So all of this boils down to your trust issues, not so much about marriage?

I have a very serious question for you to consider. What happens if she gets pregnant? (Remember that no form of birth control is 100% effective.) What are your views on parenthood and marriage?

My thoughts were about pregnancy too.
Throughout human history and pre-history, women have had an eye on a mate as someone who could not only hunt the saber tooth tiger, but also stay near the hearth and children after he brought it home.
Now we have nannies and schools and we have women with jobs that don't take physical strength, and thousands of years of tradition have changed.
But that doesn't mean that many women don't still think as their mother's-mother's-mother's etc did.
So you may find yourself dumped more and more often, and sooner and sooner, as you age, unless you find the rare women who really feel as you do.

Homegirl yes I suppose that's mostly it. Marriage just takes a lot more trust that I doubt I'll ever be willing to or could ever give.

Cat since you asked I feel that two people shouldn't need to be married because they have a child together. I have a friend who's parents had him when they were dating. They planned to married, but it didn't work out. His dad is married, but his mother is single and he is happy with his life. As long as both parents are apart of the child's life I see no reason for them to be married.

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Originally Posted by Treveyon36789

Cat since you asked I feel that two people shouldn't need to be married because they have a child together. I have a friend who's parents had him when they were dating. They planned to married, but it didn't work out. His dad is married, but his mother is single and he is happy with his life. As long as both parents are apart of the child's life I see no reason for them to be married.

And that is what you need to be honest about with any girlfriend. While it is more common to see unmarried couples raising children, many people still expect marriage if there is a child involved. Better to have that discussion when it is a hypothetical question rather than an immediate concern.

Not trying to change your mind but what are you doing about your own trust issues? Where did they start, and have you ever looked into dealing with them to be a healthier person?