Hi folks,

I have been dating a woman (I am 50, she is 55) for just over 4 months. We live cities apart, although that translates as only 1 and 1/2 hours driving (always done by me)... but still: cities apart.

We see each other weekends and everything was very hot and very exciting to begin with, then it stalled. I knew it, and approached her about this. She said she felt smothered by what had excited her initially (daily emails, only short) and nightly phone calls... but said nothing. So, boundaries were set... by her. No more calling unless she called first, and no more emails.

We can only see each other on weekends due to work and I stay with her. Last weekend I had plans for the long weekend and she rang on the Tuesday to say that she'd forgotten about a girls-only weekend (with only one friend, the rest strangers) and our weekend was off. I acted as if that was okay, not wanting to elicit old pains from her past marriage (a control freak) but it hurt and bugged me to Hell... it didn't bother her a bit. This, after I had spent the weekend before celebrating her birthday in the only way I know how - spoiling and loving.

I have told her that I am indeed feeling love for her (yes, love does sometimes hit at first sight) but she does not feel the same and has said do. So I've backed off from that.

All my friends are either telling me to ditch her, avoid her, cancel plans and stay away... all mind games to me, and I don't like games. Now, I am supposed to see her tomorrow, unless yet again there is a change in plans, but when we talk on the phone (limited to two calls per week at max), we only speak of work, our children... nothing on the D&M level (that seems to scare her).

The latest advice I've received is to have it out with her tomorrow and ask her if she needs more space, as the way things are I'm flat out miserable and can't continue this way with her controlling all of our contact. I have a feeling I am not going to like the answers she gives me, but any help in broaching the subject without appearing insecure or demanding would be appreciated.

If you've never been in a long term serious relationship... sorry, I don't really think you can help. I've read much rubbish on many forums.. By the by... I do actually love this woman, and am prepared to wait however long it takes for her to feel the same... or not.

It almost sounds like she has learned some lessons from her former control-freak spouse, so now it's HER turn to do some controlling.

It also seems that your relationship got off to a fast and furious start and then stumbled. She is demanding more space in various ways, so why would you have to ask her? You say you love her. Are you also being too clingy and needy by her reckoning? Too much too soon?

When you see her tomorrow (if that works out), back off and take it slow. Don't spend too much time talking about the two of you -- and maybe not any time doing that. Instead, talk about favorite pets you both had, your childhoods, board games you two used to play, places you two used to live at.

(As for my credentials, I've been married over 46 years and rode along with Noah on the Ark.)

Thank you for answer.
Yes, everything got off to a fast and furious start... then it all went wrong ("smothering" was her term). So I agreed to back off, indeed I offered. But now I think it's being taken to extremes. Haw far back do I go?
I would like to back off, just be fun to be around, but to be fair I need to respect myself as well. I know she doesn't respect me or my needs to the same degree (whether she realises it or not) just by her actions and words, and that's not mindgames with myself. There has been plenty of examples already shown to me.
This is hurting me, and I can't honestly say that I am happy. Perhaps I am too "clingy" (something I am aware of, and work on - I am a counsellor, and should know better). Everyone is telling me to get into a "D&M" and I just know that will upset her... or worse. But how else do you approach, on equal terms, something that is problematic for yourself - that's hurting you? Pretend there is no problem, no pressure, no inequality? That's just a pretend life, where misery sets in when you come back to being yourself. Besides... it's exhausting..
She means more to me than I to her and she has been quite open about that. Leaves me in a very, very vulnerable position, and I have told her so. I have, however, maintained that vulnerability can be a strength and to continue with this I must prove it to be so.
She said: ""I would never hurt you intentionally" - wide scope for interpretation there, but a hint there is hurt to come, and I feel it in my bones. Just don't want to forecast or predict things that aren't real, just imagined.
Quite a quandary, but thank you for an alternative view, one that I was going to take until I talked to my psychologist friend this morning who said "Have it out".
That, could bring the truth, but am I ready for the truth? It could also force a reply that was never forthcoming.

P.S.: I built The Ark - hope you enjoyed the ride:)

If you can't fell free to call her whenever you want, or email her whenever you want, my gut would say to find someone else. That's not a relationship, at least not a good one. It's a bit odd that a woman that had a very controlling ex, would suddenly be the control freak in her next relationship.

She has no respect for your feelings, doesn't care if she breaks off a date with short notice, doesn't like it when you call her or email her.

I've been in a relationship like this, albeit when I was a lot younger. I hate to say it, but I was the one that acted like your girlfriend. Why? I wasn't into the guy, but I didn't know how to break it off. So I'd cancel dates, I wouldn't accept his calls. He'd tell me he loved me, and since I really didn't love him, I'd ignore him and change the subject, or tell him "that's nice".

I'd go out with friends, or other guys. I'd break dates last minute. I was really hoping he'd break up with me, then I wouldn't have to deal with doing the deed. But it took a long time. During that relationship I ignored him, treated him like crap, cheated on him, all in the hopes that he'd get tired of it and break up with me. Nope, he proposed. That's when I finally found the nerve to tell him it was over.

But it took 2 years. I wasn't fair to him, and he was too much in love to use his brains. Then again, he was young too.

Talk to her, ask her if she wants this relationship, because the way she's treating you makes you feel that she really doesn't. Tell her that you deserve to know, so you can move on, and she can too. But right now, the way she's treating you, it's all one way, with her controlling everything. That's not a relationship, and she should know that better than anyone if her ex really was as controlling as she claims he was.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Herodotus

P.S.: I built The Ark - hope you enjoyed the ride:)

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Ha! You weren't even a twinkle in anyone's eye when Noah, the animals, and I were floating along.

I was thinking, heck, it's been only four months, so tell him to talk around feelings and the future and getting too personal, but just hang out with her and talk about what they've done in life and where they've been. In other words, get to know each other.

I'm a counselor too. If you think her controlling behavior is escalating, I guess it's time to talk about it (tomorrow). If you think there might be a future, consider going with my Plan B of just hanging out and getting to know each other.

At this time of life, you don't want to tie yourself down with someone who isn't going to work out. There are a lot of widows and divorcées looking for love -- and by the age of 50, the ratio of men to women is changing rapidly. (At a retirement village near me, it's one man for every ten women. And the men are much in demand as dinner table and activities partners.)

It sounds like you are thinking this through carefully. Please let us know what happens if/when you see her tomorrow.

If it was me... unless she seemed really, really... REALLY worth it, I would have a quick talk with her, see what she says, and probably end it if I wasn't happy with what I heard.

I have to be honest, I know very few people that are really, really, REALLY worth it... perhaps I'm bitter, who knows. The way I see it though, at this age, do you really need to put up with someone that is treating you like this? If the talk goes well, that's great... but I would be prepared to move on just in case.

First you say that you are flat out miserable with her controlling all the contact, and you can't continue this way.

Then you say that you love her, and you're prepared to wait as long as it takes, for her to feel the same- or not.

And, you are considering a showdown of sorts, to have it out with her. I presume this means your unhappiness with how the relationship is not proceeding.

You want more, and she wants less.

You've seen each other only weekends as you said, and the relationship is only 4 months old, with her cancelling out one weekend that you mentioned. So, after 15 days together all told, (with limited phone and text established), you profess love.

I don't think that she is being unreasonable after such a short time, and I think that you are expecting too much, too fast.

You have barely even begun to get to know her, and her, you. What do you, or did you expect after so little actual time together?

I get the impression that she has limited the phone calls because there were simply too many of them, so she compromised. And you agreed, which was good. Could it be you were coming on too strong considering you loved her at first sight as you said?

Maybe a little reflection on how you want to go about seeing if this relationship will go anywhere is to take a step back, and try to see past you think she is doing wrong, and more what you may be (not) seeing, what you are doing wrong.

That you mentioned you had some idea of what a confrontation about things will be, what do you think she will say. My guess is, too much, too fast, and the relationship is in its infancy, and you professing love is just coming on too strong.

I'd be uncomfortable too.

Thanks very Jake2008 (my son's name of all things), and reflects what I think inside myself. Who needs pressure? Not me, not her... it's my problem/issue to confront privately and resole... or even grow up.
I'm not playing the martyr here, but seriously, she has her head on straight, and I need to get mine the same.
Still, it could have gone a whole lot better and still could. I just don't know how to behave from here.
I've been twice married, and divorced (all for different reasons - walked away from the second for my own health) and have only become insecure in this way in the last few years (a relationship with a women - neutered myself). Can't seem to be the guy I used to be - self-confident, strong and caring totally.
Everything she wants is reasonable, and to tell the turth if I had a girldfriend like me (if she knew I was writing such stuff) I'd distance myself fast quick, and have.
So why am I behaving the way I would steer clear of in others?
Crazy...

Too much calling can be a issue, and older people do have set lives and it is hard to add a new dating partner at times. Esp every weekend. No way I could do more than two weekend a month. Just other things to do.

But also, she is not controlling you, explain it that way also. If you can not pick up phone when you are excited, or send a message to say hello. In fact if a couple is in love, I would think that every morning, there would be a cute little hello note or text sent.

I'm really happy that you can clearly see both sides of the coin, and that I'm not too far off the mark.

If you want to build a serious relationship with her, there is no fault in that what so ever. I think all the pressure you put on yourself with your expectations is causing the problem.

Your needs are understandable, and so are hers.

What I suggest you do, now that it's clear you have a good understanding of how it's all going, is take her out on a date, and tell her exactly what you have said in your last post. Let her know because otherwise, she has no understanding of why you are behaving as you are.

When she knows where you are coming from, she will probably feel more at ease telling you that she needs to go slower. Let her take the lead, and see if a little honesty on both your parts, can establish a common denominator of honesty.

If you can build on that alone- honesty- you build a relationship naturally from there. But as long as motives are misunderstood, and both parties are not honest with each other, little will move forward, especially if one is feeling under pressure to commit more than they are comfortable with.

And its safe for you that way. You aren't setting yourself up for heartache, and trying too hard that your life is all focused on her, or focused on doing the right thing, or being stressed out that you are doing the wrong thing.

She may not be 'the one' either. No sense wasting your time if honesty doesn't lead to trust, and trust doesn't lead to a solid relationship.

All the best of luck to you and I hope you post and let us know how it all went.

The most important intimate relationship of my life (I'm 66) was with a man who suffocated me at first, and I treated him horribly as a result. We got past it and lasted 13 years. I don't really have a 'point' since each situation is different, but I'll just say that I have a feeling that you are very likable outside of that one little hopefully temporary attribute. One that you can control. I wouldn't call her on the carpet. I'd force myself to have weekends with the guys and any contrivance you can possibly stand to show her that you really enjoy her but don't require her presence. Start planning for next weekend away ASAP!
Oh.. and to me the absolutely most endearing and romantic thing a man can do is write me letters. On paper. Sent snail mail. Add a hand drawn picture or card, I'm in 7th heaven. I can open them at my leisure. I am not under pressure of nightly phone calls, or anything that smacks of pressure.
Good luck, regardless of your choices.

Thank you all.
Will post how the weekend goes, and will be adopting an easy going approach leaving my insecurities, I hope, at the door.

Talaniman Rule- The first 6 months are for fun and dating while you get to know each other. No commitments or promises.

Talaniman Rule- Never give a stranger your heart until you know they know what to do with it, and appreciate it.

You suffer from too much, too fast, crash, and burn, Now that the lust is fading fast, you are finding out what's left. You have made her a priority, but you are but an option which means back way off and don't give up your social life, or count on her for every weekend.

Fun while it lasted I am sure, but time to cool it and see what happens as sometimes she makes the rules, sometimes you will. But waiting on her to come around to your thinking is a waste of your time, and there are many other options and opportunities to explore for single people.

Lust at first sight is great when its mutual, so is love at first sight, but obviously this ain't mutual. Just me she can make all the rules she wants to, but I have rules too! See above and my signature below.

Keep it fun this week end, and keep it real all the time.

I married my last LDR 37 years ago. WE made new rules.