Hi,

Without going into all the background, my wife had personal issues from her youth that resulted in her almost pushing me away (stopped wanting contact, sex, etc) and was secretly going out and seeing /meeting other guys. The problem is that she lied about it to me and to the point where she watched me go on antidepressants and didn't come clean as she wanted to punish me for looking into what she was doing. Now we have resolved all the issues but my problem is that she;

1) Boldly lied to my face when I was almost at a breakdown and plotted with a friend to help her cover it up
2) Wanted to hurt me and let me go on medication which I have permanent side effects from which I think is pure evil
3) Makes me feel betrayed as I was trying to give her all that I could (love/support/money/etc) and she wanted something else from someone else.

She says she didn't sleep with anyone, but there is no denying she had an emotional affair and it went on for months before I found out and with multiple guys.


Now that we worked it out, she is deeply sorry. I forgive her, and we communicate better then we have before... but I just can't forget what she did and the pain and hurt she caused. We have been married 14 years and I only recall a small portion of it being really happy between us so for me... I lost love for her a while ago and had moved on.

Is it possible to fully love her again? I understand why she done the things she did, but at the end of the day they were done and I can't help but look at her with what she done and the huge scar that exists for me.

Thanks for any suggestions or comments.

I'm confused. You lost love for her a long time ago, yet when she had 'emotional affairs,' you got horribly depressed? When were you giving her all your love, money, support? How much sleuthing were you doing, and did it involved jealousy, paranoia, and false accusations?

This sounds very chicken and egg to me. She isn't here to give her side, and we can't possibly know who started with what. 99% of the time, it takes two to tango. And two to tangle.

Yes, it's possible to love again. It takes not just forgiveness, it also takes admitting your faults too. But I don't see you as someone who would do that, so unless you have some intensive therapy, I don't see a lot of hope.

If I've got this right, she was the one who was cheating with multiple men, while married to you. No doubt with all her activity, finding out what she was up to wasn't all that difficult.

She got caught, and was punishing you by not only covering it up with a friend, but blaming you for making her affair(s) happen in the first place.

She had 'personal issues' from her youth, that she claims caused her to do the things she did? Or do you fix her past as being responsible for her present. According to you, her past pushed you away, and into the arms of other men.

You see her problem more as lying, and not the 'seeing/meeting up with other men' as you stated.

You cannot justify someone's cheating, nor can you blame that behavior on her past and excuse it because she wasn't honest about it.

It seems to me that had she wanted to change, or stop what she ended up doing- before she did it- and address the problems in the marriage, things may have ended up with solid solutions.

But, putting excuses on everything, and thinking she is 'sorry' doesn't change or alter the course of anything, because you don't seem to see that nothing you have said indicates she is walking the walk so to speak.

I don't blame you, for backing away from a serial cheater, but I do think you need help in understanding why this relationship ended up in the potty, and what you need to do to get a realistic fix on what to do next.

You say you backed away, after she was busy with other men. Who wouldn't.

I don't know if there are children involved here, but for your own sake, please get help in unraveling this monster of a problem marriage. Preferably both of you.

As to the anti depressants, you cannot blame that on her. My gut tells me that you were probably prescribed them for reasons in addition to what happened with the behavior of your unfaithful wife.

Not sure why this turned back on myself... I guess it's difficult to determine in a post. We went to counselling and she admitted she was wrong and did go out and see other guys and didn't really know why. She even admitted that she could have told the truth about what was going on but wanted to punish me for looking into what she was doing... even though I caught her going out to see another guy and lying about it to me.

I merely asked a question on if its possible to find love again. I can forgive but I am having a hard time forgetting.

I'll discuss with her about going back to counselling.

Thanks

For me the timeline is totally unclear.
What's especially confusing is the sentence 'I lost love for her a while ago and had moved on.' Many people forget that we aren't there, and they don't proofread what they write as though they were a stranger.
I wasn't accusing you of anything. I was wondering if her affairs started after you lost love for her.

Yes its possible to work through this with a lot of help. Stay with counseling.

Good luck.

This:

Quote:

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I forgive her,

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Doesn't match with this:

Quote:

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1) Boldly lied to my face when I was almost at a breakdown and plotted with a friend to help her cover it up
2) Wanted to hurt me and let me go on medication which I have permanent side effects from which I think is pure evil
3) Makes me feel betrayed as I was trying to give her all that I could (love/support/money/etc) and she wanted something else from someone else.

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And

Quote:

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I understand why she done the things she did, but at the end of the day they were done and I can't help but look at her with what she done and the huge scar that exists for me.

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It is not very likely, the post is filled with too much hate, and anger. This will always be remembered, and I am afraid there will never be any true trust completely.

I would say that while you may make a relationship work, both have to want to, but your post makes me believe it is not likely to happen

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

It is not very likely, the post is filled with too much hate, and anger. This will always be remembered, and I am afraid there will never be any true trust completely.

I would say that while you may make a relationship work, both have to want to, but your post makes me believe it is not likely to happen

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Yes, it is difficult to determine the situation based on what someone presents in a post and the context. And yes the post is filled with hate... but I do not hate her anymore and have forgiven her.

Perhaps a better clarification will help. The timeline was that when we got married (2000) she wanted to be with me more than you could believe. Shortly after marriage she started becoming distant... I started to get the feeling that perhaps she just lured me into marriage. I stuck by her side. She grew distant even more when the first child came along and she got to the point where it was like she didn't want me to touch her and the sex went from frequent to just once a month which felt like she was doing it to obligate me. She also fought with me more. I still stuck by her side.

I always gave her full trust and freedom. She would always want a girls weekend and I would take the kids and leave so she could go out with her friends... never giving it a second thought what she was doing. When we met, she had $1000's in debt.. I paid it off never batting an eye.. and again years later when she finally admitted she racked up another $6000 in debt and never told me. Even I wasn't upset when I knew she was sneaking her visa out after I asked for it the second time I paid off her debt.

In 2008 is all came to a head as she was really distant with me, but a simple post on Facebook made me come to realize that something else was going on. Right or wrong I hacked her Facebook account and found out that there were other guys in the picture (guys I didn't know exist). I confronted her about this and she created a web of lies. One was I found where she had told me she was going to see a girlfriend and didn't get home until 3am (only going out for a couple of hours) and it turned out she went to see a man and had asked one of her girlfriends to cover it up if I ever asked her about it. I thought I was losing my mind and point blank asked her in tears if there was an affair going on etc. She looked at me point blank and stuck by her lies that didn't make sense. I thought then it was me and that paranoia, jealousy, etc were setting in so I got antidepressents. After a month I found out that there was more and that another man was in the picture and was emailing her to see her. Then I knew it wasn't me thinking there was something when there wasn't... there really was more and I stopped the antidepressants.

We went to counseling then, worked out some issues but never really got resolution. Skip ahead to today and only now it is fully all coming out of the reasons she did those things. Only after I could not take her being distant. I told her our marriage was over.. it wasn't fair to me and all I see is missed opportunities and happiness over the past 14 years of us being together.
She had a terrible childhood (father walked out when she was 3 and her mother was with a boyfriend she didn't get along with), was sexually and physically abused at a real early age by an older teen, got married to another only to have him leave her for another woman a year later. Her parents are for the most part nonexistent in her life and that's what all her actions before stemmed from; she has abandonment/ abuse issues.

I can understand why she did those things to me, and I forgive her meaning that I see no point in punishing her for her actions and understand. But at the end of the day she did and it's not easy to forget. I asked her about why she watched me in tears go on anti depressants when all she had to do was tell me what was going on, and her response was she at the time wanted to punish me for looking into what she was doing; which I think was evil to do. I may have forgiven her and understand her reasons, but forgetting what happened is difficult along with seeing a dark side of her capabilities.

We have two young children and I do not want to see there lives ruined because of us splitting up. There are positives to her and again I understand why she did.

My question is if is it possible to fully love someone again after being hurt to the point that it almost destroys someone. My comment on losing love a while ago was based on my realization that after each passing year we grew distant, I accepted our dying love and grew out of love for her over time a couple of years back. I can honestly say based on where we are today in how I feel, I would not marry her again. Perhaps since we finally got resolution after 12 years of marriage, that it will take time for the healing process for me. Much I guess like losing a loved one... however I don't know how much more I will love her back. You never really forget the loss of a loved one.

Anyway, perhaps this is an issue best left to a counselor.

Thx