I’ve been dating my boyfriend for close to two yrs. I'd like to say we have a great relationship. We’re open to each other and we talk about everything, future, past, feeling, everything. Just a few months ago I discovered his abundant collections of porn. I'll admit I got upset. We talked about it, and he told me why and it's just the "imagery", and I told him how I felt. I knew he watched porn. The shocking thing was that he had so much! I hate to say I snooped. He’s very smart when it comes to computers and the internet, and it’s almost frightening. With the first discussion about his porn collection, we established how each other felt. I was uncomfortable about it.

The next time I found it again, I got really upset and we had another discussion a little more serious about it. It concluded with that he would tell me when he watched it. He felt uncomfortable about it so I said to him that he didn’t have to actually say he "watched porn" but instead have him say, "I was thinking about you today" so that I just knew and he wasn’t hiding it from me. I just want him to be honest. Then the third time happened, this time I got really upset. And this time I found underage porn. Kids really, some hadn’t even hit puberty. We talked about it and he said that what I found he hadn’t even seen it. He claimed that he downloads huge files that are porn and it’s random and he doesn't know what they are until he looks at it. I don’t know if it's true and I don’t really believe him. He deleted all the files from his computer and laptop, or at least I can’t find them so maybe he did. He has promised and sworn that he will tell me if he looks at porn and he will allow me to look at what he watched. He's 35 years old, I feel like he shouldn’t be looking at porn especially ones that are of underage girls. I don’t really know what to do.

Other than this situation our relationship is great. He says he loves me and that he's so happy. But I don’t know if I can trust him. I want a family I want kids, a part of me feels like I wouldn’t be able to trust him to be alone with my kids. I am really lost and I do love him, but I don’t know if this situation is going to be a deal breaker. After the third discussion things have been great, so it seems like he stopped looking at it and our sexual relationship has improved greatly.

Then recently our lives have gotten a bit busier. But I come home to him every night so we're going to bed together and waking up together, but our sexual relationship has decreased some, so I snooped again today and found out that he has been looking at porn again, and he hasn’t told me. I haven’t talked to him about it yet but I will, I just don’t know if I can get past this and continue to allow us to work on it together. I don’t know if I am over reacting and being a bit**, I just don’t know what to do or think. I need advice.

Why are you snooping and trying to control him?

He won't give it up. All you will do is push him deeper and deeper into secrecy and lying. Most guys watch porn. If it's a deal breaker for you,then it's time to break the deal. Good luck finding a guy who doesn't watch Internet porn or look at print porn.

Sounds like he has a porn addiction, but his looking at kids would do it for me. That is sickening and criminal.

I don't mind him watching porn I just want him to be honest with me. I know guys look at porn, I'm not stupid. It's the lying, he promised he would tell me and be honest about it. He's seen how it hurt me and he says that he loves me so much and that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him so he promised me he'd tell me. I don't hate porn, I enjoy it actually, I like watching it with him, its occasionally arousing. I have even encouraged him to take nude pictures of me and make videos. I encourage him every chance I get. We have made videos and taken pictures, but that was during the beginning of our relationship and now he doesn't want to anymore. That's where it kind of all began in the first place.

That's why I snooped, at first I thought he was cheating on me because our sex life was getting bad. I get horny and when it starts to become having sex once a week, a girl gets worried. And when it comes to the underage pics and videos, yes it almost was a deal breaker I was about to do it but then we talked about it. He said that he didn't see them, and that they where old files that he downloaded when he was in his young twenties. See when he looks at things he downloads he deletes them after he sees them. So in a way I kind of want to believe him. But after ten plus years of his life why wouldn't you go through your old downloaded porn files and get rid of inappropriate things.

He really is a great guy we talk about marriage and getting our own place and all, but his porn "addiction" has got me worried. I have even started to see a therapist, but it doesn't seem to be helping me. It's so hard because I love him so much. He is not only my boyfriend but he's my best friend, I'm afraid to loose him. I just don't know how to reach him and how I can understand and get thro this

Another thing that makes me worried is that I am ten years younger than him, what happens when I get older.. is he the type of guy that only likes young pretty girls. Will he leave me because I get older? He says that its not true, it's just worries me. And a part of me feels like I'm not enough for him. But again he says I am and more. He's lied to me before, how do I know if I can trust him, or if he's telling me the truth. He's a really good lier...

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Originally Posted by LittleTee

I don't mind him watching porn I just want him to be honest with me.

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But you snoop and push him into a corner with your questioning. How can he be honest and still please you? He knows you want to hear "no porn." Why does he have to tell you?

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I just don't know how to reach him and how I can understand and get thro this

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Reach him and understand what?

I feel like I didn't push him in a corner, I gave him at least three opportunities to be honest, and after each one I expressed myself a little more than the last time. I have told him I am okay with it. I have encouraged taking pics and videos of myself and us. We're okay watching porn together. I am okay with him looking and watching porn. All I ask from him is to be honest and open with me about it. I don't understand how I can express myself more to him. We are a very open and close relationship. The only reason I snooped was because our sex life was getting to bad. I was worried. I am willing to try anything, and he knows that. If he has some kind of fantasy I'm willing to here it and maybe try it. I want to make sure I am sexually satisfying him. I feel like I am not asking much, I'm not asking him to stop, I just want honestly. It's the respectful thing he can do with the situation since he says he loves me so much and he doesn't want to loose me. I mean come on, I even like to watch porn with him and will even be the first to mention to put it on. I need help to understand... or am I wasting my time?

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Originally Posted by LittleTee

I feel like I didn't push him in a corner, I gave him at least three opportunities to be honest, and after each one I expressed myself a little more than the last time.

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So he got pushed into a corner after three attacks... ooops, "opportunities to be honest." Are you his mother?

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I have told him I am okay with it.

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Then why are you "giving him opportunities to be honest"?

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all I ask from him is to be honest and open with me about it.

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Why? What does it matter to you what he does in his free time? Are you being sexually neglected?

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if he has some kind of fantasy I'm willing to here it

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But his fantasies are none of your business. Yours are none of his.

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I want to make sure I am sexually satisfying him.

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So he won't want to look at porn?

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I just want honestly. It's the respectful thing he can do with the situation since he says he loves me so much and he doesn't want to loose me.

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So he has to tell you everything he does (clip his toenails, brush his teeth, pick his nose, look at porn) or he will lose you. Ummmm, he has no privacy, no "me" time?

I'm still bothered about him having kiddy porn. I can't imagine a man having that mess on his computer and not knowing it. How old are you?
His fantasies are your business if he is watching kids. I would be gone. Porn is one thing but kiddy porn is a different thing altogether.

He does have his alone time, he has his activities, and I have mine. Yes I am being sexually neglected, that is the whole reason that I snooped. My sexual fantasies, I tell him what I want. And we do it. He can look at porn, all I ask from him is to tell me. I don't want him to tell me what he was thinking or what he thought about it. Or the details. All I ask is for him to tell me. Homegirl50, I appreciate your advise, I really do. I am starting to think that I am not the girl he should be with. I am 25 yrs old. Im just struggling with the fact that I love him so much and he is amazing to me and we get along so well, exactly what I want in with a relationship. (minus the current situation) I think the biggest issue I am dealing with is finding and seeing the kiddie porn. Even today, seeing his history for the past week, I saw videos of young underage girls. But I will admit, they weren't completely naked but it was in the order of his porn sites. If he was looking at porn why was he looking at underage girls in the middle of it?

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Originally Posted by LittleTee

He can look at porn, all i ask from him is to tell me.

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Why does he have to tell you?

Somewhat in his defense, even just Googling generic porn words can bring up sites that involve young girls who are passed off as teens (or vice versa). I haven't tried to bring up child porn, but am guessing you have to know what you are doing and even pay for it. I'm with Homegirl on that. If child porn is one of his interests, I'll stop defending him.

This guy has an addiction and if he is looking at underage girls he is breaking the law. I would leave him alone. The child thing is just sick! This situation will not get better.
I understand that some people enjoy porn but when a person is neglecting their partener because they're maturbating to porn all the time or if they are looking at child porn, that is a deal breaker. There are people addicted to it and it is unhealthy to the relationship.
One more thing, when you get to where you are snooping in a person's phone or computer to see what they are up to, there is a problem and one of you needs to walk away.

I don't know exactly if underage girls are his thing. All I know is he downloaded it into files and labeled it "keep". I haven't caught him red handed watching it but, in a way what I found and saw it was pretty close. He did say that it was exciting to watch because it was "wrong" and "fascinating" but he says he's not into that... I don't know I'm confused on what to think or even do. Whether to believe him or not

Watching porn is a private thing for guys and embarrassing when admitting or talking about it for many. Especially when caught or confronted for doing it. I will admit as a guy it raised hackles on my neck when you snooped, supposedly in the name of honesty, and then you admitted you aren't against it, so I conclude, it's that he doesn't share HIS porn private time with you that you resent him for it.

You want honesty, stop snooping and demanding he inform you when he watches it. You know he does, so what the heck is his announcing it first all about? Control?

Now the child porn is another issue and your last post explains much, and typical, but most guys know, or assume that these are young looking over 18 year old models unless he gets his stuff from another source which I doubt. Don't judge without the facts. Go from there if you can find out, but being insecure at what he watches and when is an issue you yourself must deal with, and not put it on your partner until its resolved within you.

But you can't say you don't object to porn, and then put conditions to watching it. That's so unfair, and yes those kinds of resentments build and affects many areas of the relationship. If porn isn't so big a deal, then stop making it one, and get to resolving the issues you have that makes you send such confusing signals and feel threatened by something you are not opposed to, and understanding of.

Or are you fooling yourself as you accuse him of trying to fool you?

The underage girls did not look eighteen, not even close. I would say the youngest I saw had to be about 12 years old. And you I could be fooling myself. I accept porn when it's a couples thing only. I find it hard for me to accept it in anyway else. I'm fighting with myself to figure out if I am going to have to make a straight decision of whether to refuse to accept it at all or just suck it up and accept it. He has said to me that he would tell me because he understands how I feel about it. He says he doesn't want this to be the reason for us to break up. He wants us to work it out, he wants to make me happy. He even has offered to go to counseling. He really is my best friend, we never really fight we have discussions. We have a lot of fun together. And we push each other forward in making our each others lives better. I don't want to loose him. But I know I need to figure out this situation. I know it's not just him, I know this issue is about me and how I feel about it. I don't blame him for watching porn, I suppose I am trying to find out if I really to accept it. I am just frustrated and confused

It does not bother you he is looking at kiddie porn?

It does a lot. But he claimed that he had never seen what I found. But why would it be there in the first place. I don't know if I can believe him when he says he doesn't look at that young of girls.

Kiddie porn and kiddie video's, are not normal to regular guys who like porn.

I believe you have every right to question his use of porn, because of that fact alone.

And, I think it was a good thing you trusted your instincts, and learned enough to know that he has not stopped, as he said he would. That probably means that he is not willing to even compromise, let alone, specifically agree to discuss the kiddie porn and kiddie videos. That is such brutal, degrading, horrible, and criminal stuff, I would have walked out the minute I realized just what kind of porn he was into.

Better you find out now, than after marrying him, and having a few children of your own. There is nothing harmless or entertaining or healthy in any way, shape, or form, involving the sexual exploitation of children.

Think more about that, and seriously consider that his porn 'activities' have likely gone on long before you knew him, and will go on as long as carry on the relationship, and long after you are gone should you decide to go.

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Originally Posted by LittleTee

It does a lot. But he claimed that he had never seen what i found. But why would it be there in the first place. I dont know if i can believe him when he says he doesnt look at that young of girls.

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That alone would have had me walking. Porn is one thing. Kiddy porn is criminal and disgusting

Maybe you need to verify together whether he is indeed watching kiddie porn, or young looking girls dressed as kids, there is a big difference. The only way I can see to cut through the confusion, and frustration are with facts, and not just feelings.

Why are you acting so crazy. Leave that man and his porn alone. His reasoning is solid and you're being annoying. Watching porn is normal. It doesn't mean he's less attracted to you or he's unsatisfied. It really is the imagery. Telling him to tell you every time he watches porn serves what purpose? The only thing I can see is it making him uncomfortable. He is a grown man. Stop looking through his stuff for things you know you don't want to see. Calm it down.