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-   -   Some more Funnies :) (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=76972)

  • Mar 28, 2007, 08:57 PM
    kew
    Some more Funnies :)
    A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired

    A will is a dead giveaway

    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana

    A backward poet writes inverse.

    In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

    She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

    If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

    With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

    Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

    When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

    You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

    Australian Local Area Network: the LAN down under.

    He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

    Every calendar's days are numbered.

    A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

    He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

    A plateau is a high form of flattery.

    The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

    Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

    When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

    Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

    When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

    Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

    Acupuncture is a jab well done.

    Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
  • Mar 28, 2007, 11:54 PM
    Clough
    Some things to ponder

    1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

    2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

    3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

    4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

    5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

    6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

    7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

    8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

    9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

    10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

    11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

    12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

    13. Think about this.. No one ever says "It's only a game." when his team is winning.

    14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

    15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

    16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

    17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)

    18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Ford.

    19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
  • Mar 29, 2007, 01:01 AM
    kew
    PONDERISMS

    I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

    There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

    Life is sexually transmitted.

    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

    Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

    All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

    Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

    How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

    If money doesn't grow in trees then why do banks have branches?

    Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

    Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?

    Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

    Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

    What disease did cured ham actually have?

    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

    Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

    If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

    Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

    How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

    Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

    If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

    Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

    Or watch a white thing come out a chicken behind and think, "That ought to taste good."

    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped buy the police and asked for you license, are you going to be smiling?

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

    Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

    If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

    What do you call male ballerinas?

    Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

    If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

    Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

    Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

    Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is no money in the account?

    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

    Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

    Can you cry under water?

    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

    Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

    Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

    If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

    Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles
    Are always white?

    Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

    Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

    Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

    Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

    How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

    When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

    Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

    In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

    How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

    If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try it like your wife told you to do it?

    And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

    The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
    Friends, if they're okay, then it's you.
  • Mar 29, 2007, 05:31 AM
    talaniman
    Hmmmmmm!!
  • Jul 17, 2007, 11:38 PM
    Clough
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by kew
    PONDERISMS

    I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

    The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

    Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

    There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

    Life is sexually transmitted.

    Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

    The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

    Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

    Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

    Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

    All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

    In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

    Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

    How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

    Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

    How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

    If money doesn't grow in trees then why do banks have branches?

    Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

    Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?

    Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

    Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

    What disease did cured ham actually have?

    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

    Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

    If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

    Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

    How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

    Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

    If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

    Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

    Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

    Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

    Or watch a white thing come out a chicken behind and think, "That ought to taste good."

    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

    Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

    When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped buy the police and asked for you license, are you going to be smiling?

    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

    Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

    If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

    Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

    What do you call male ballerinas?

    Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

    If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

    Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

    Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

    Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

    Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is no money in the account?

    Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

    Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

    Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

    Can you cry under water?

    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

    Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

    Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

    If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

    Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles
    are always white?

    Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

    Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

    Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

    Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

    How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

    When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

    Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

    In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

    How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

    If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try it like your wife told you to do it?

    And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

    The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
    friends, if they're okay, then it's you.

    Good thoughts to ponder! They are true ponderisms. Keeps the mind active!
  • Jul 18, 2007, 06:48 AM
    nicespringgirl
    9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

    Interesting... but... I don't quite get no. 9... could anyone explain it to me?:)
  • Jul 18, 2007, 06:54 AM
    tomder55
    A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:

    HELP WANTED.
    Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

    A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

    Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so she led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

    The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to her, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

    The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded. She looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

    The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

    The dog looked her straight in the face and said, "Meow."
  • Jul 18, 2007, 06:59 AM
    talaniman
    Quote:

    Originally Posted by nicespringgirl
    9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

    Interesting...but...I don't quite get no. 9...could anyone explain it to me?:)

    Dogs love to be scratched, especially behind the ears.

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