I've very recently broken up with my girlfriend of almost two years and the circumstances of the break have left me very hurt and confused about where her and I stand. The relationship ended because I grew very needy and because throughout the relationship she had always been very open about her feelings but I always kept mine to myself. She told me she still loved me and that she was going to miss me but she couldn't handle being in a relationship with me right now, all I want to do is talk to her because I miss her but I want to give her space.

I wrote her a letter the details of which are to intimate to share but it pretty much says I'm an idiot you had more than enough reason to leave but I still love you for who you are and I realize now that I should have told you how special you are, how strong you are, and how you completed me, and I shouldn't have been so stupid to think that I needed to hide that from you. I know its probably a very feeble thing to do given the circumstances but I need to let her know that I'm willing to change for her and that I still want her in my life.

I want to mail her this letter immediately but I know that's a dumb idea, we broke up three days ago and I want to give her space, I'm sure she misses me but if she doesn't I don't want to drive her away even more coming off as needy again. Is this a stupid idea? Should I not be trying to get her back in my life?

Thanks for listening any help is appreciated

Sending her this letter (only three days later?? ) would reinforce the idea that you are indeed needy.

How are you going to become NOT needy?

You're right
We used to talk every day so I guess its hard not to at least have some form of contact with her.

I just don't want her forgetting me, I feel like a time apart could either reinforce her love for me or diminish it, she says she will miss me but deep down I feel like she's going to enjoy not having me in her life but I need to not be needy and I'm working on becoming independent, I've recently got my polysomnographer certificate and I'm working on getting an internship at a sleep lab or hospital so I can support myself and have a career, I was going to do this before the break up but now I'm even more determined to do it now, not just because I want to get her back but because if I don't I'll have something to keep my mind off how much she means to me.

I'm just worried I'll never see her again and that she's going to resent me
I don't know of any relationship rekindling after a break up and I'm certain I'm just having a pipe dream thinking that she misses me and that there's a chance I'll see her again

I also don't plan on sending the letter right away

"confused about where her and I stand."

What confusion? She broke up with you. You stand alone at the moment and not with her. Sorry to be so blunt but that is the way it is.

Recognize that needy and clingy is NOT attractive to anyone. You need to learn from this situation. I wouldn't send the letter. I would start taking steps to move your life forward which doesn't include her.

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Originally Posted by zdevil

I also don't plan on sending the letter right away

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If I were you, I would NEVER send it.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

If I were you, I would NEVER send it.

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Why not?

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Originally Posted by zdevil

Why not?

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Why would you? She's out of your life now. Rarely do couples reunite after a breakup, especially after one like yours. She would never want to go back to a needy boyfriend. (And the only way she would be able to find out if you are still needy is by reconnecting with you. I'm guessing she wouldn't want to take the risk. I wouldn't. There are just too many NOT needy guys out there.)

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Why would you? She's out of your life now. Rarely do couples reunite after a breakup, especially after one like yours. She would never want to go back to a needy boyfriend. (And the only way she would be able to find out if you are still needy is by reconnecting with you. I'm guessing she wouldn't want to take the risk. I wouldn't. There are just too many NOT needy guys out there.)

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AMEN. And you won't be moving your life forward. You will be hanging on to something that is not. And that is not emotionally healthy. Move on!

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Originally Posted by Oliver2011

AMEN. And you won't be moving your life forward. You will be hanging on to something that is not. And that is not emotionally healthy. Move on!

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Amen and Halleluiah!

Get your act together and being NOT needy for the next relationship.

The internship sounds very interesting, so throw yourself into it and a career, and be the best you can be. (hmmm, sounds like a commercial... )

It is not impossible to rekindle a relationship, after a breakup. Sometimes a sudden and dramatic end will jolt people back to thinking more clearly about the value not seen, in the relationship. The bad stuff, which is the immediate part before the breakup, had probably been coming for months.

That is what you are both dealing with now. You are gaining insight into your part, which contributed to the breakup, and she is also gaining insight into her part, which also contributed to the breakup.

You fully stress your faults, and further your desire to change.

What were her faults, and what makes you want to think that she is willing to change.

Yes- she has faults too.

Maybe she didn't communicate very well, or express her needs. Maybe she didn't realize just how hard it is to make a relationship work, and just gave up. Maybe she misunderstood your needs, and could have suggested counseling, or a couple of good sit down talks at the kitchen table over coffee, discussing what was going wrong, and how to bridge the troubles. Did she ever suggest any of that? Did you?

I don't think you should beat yourself up over the failure of this relationship so much as you should give yourself time to really think things through. At least as much to realize that she is human, and had a 50% part in the relationship. I get the impression that you would have jumped through fire hoops if she had been thinking of ending things.

I would rewrite the letter. Suggest that you both made mistakes, and assumptions, and took each other for granted (or whatever else is relevant that you know to be true). Don't be the fall guy in other words, for being 100% responsible for the end. That will make you look needy.

I would give it a good two weeks more, and let the dust settle. Send your letter, and even include suggestions- i.e. a third party- maybe counseling, and see if she's willing to address mutual concerns.

If she refuses, and does not reply, all you can conclude is she's give up, and that's the end of it.

Take what IS good about that relationship, and learn from the bad, so that in the next relationship you won't be blindsided with an abrupt end.

Burn the letter and let her go and make your career a priority as you rebuild your social life without her.

It's not easy, and there will be tough times ahead for sure, but the power, strength, and confidence you gain from overcoming this obstacle in your life will have many long lasting rewards and lessons. You just can't see them yet, but they are there.

Burn the letter.