I am in need of advice! My fiancé and I have had a rough past, (on again off again, etc) I know I am no bed of roses to live with but I am trying to improve my behavior/attitude towards him. There is a severe trust issue between us! Well at least on his part! He works 7 days a week (including over time) I work 4-5 days a week, we don't really have time to spend together or with our 3year old daughter! I know stress has been a factor for him being a provider for us (I am a waitress, so not much coming in on my side) But every chance he gets he is checking my cell phone (messages,calls,pics,etc) He will even question me about numbers that have been on it for months, that were calls for him! He checks my Fb profile (messages,chats,friend request, groups etc) If somebody (a male) friend request or messages me (About items for sale, or stuff he has asked about) He freaks out on me he grills me like a police officer, even though he knows I don't know them. I give him no reason to even suspect me of cheating, I work, I come home, I clean and cook for him, I am planning a wedding to him, he has full access to my phone,my fb account, everything I do, he always ask me if I love him and if I swear to loving him! He is withdrawn,sad,grumpy and hateful with me all the time! I am extremely stressed and depressed because of this! Is there anything else I can do to help improve his trust issues?

Oh yes... you are in for a life-time of pain and suffering if you go through with this.

You have given him no reasons to suspect you of cheating but he is checking up on you and spying all the time... and then yelling at and accusing you. He is controlling you... you know that? This is controlling behavior and it's not going to get better on its own. There is nothing you can do to help him. He needs to sort this out himself because this is his problem, not yours... although at this point you have chosen to make it your problem as well by putting up with him.

He needs counseling and even then I have to wonder if it will help. Someone that does this... and will keep doing it like this... this is a rough situation.

If I were you, I would tell him the wedding is on hold until he gets his behavior under control. I would separate from him and have him work this out. There is no way that you should be putting up with this kind of treatment and the longer you do, the worse it's going to get.

Good luck.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by odinn7

Oh yes....you are in for a life-time of pain and suffering if you go through with this.

You have given him no reasons to suspect you of cheating but he is checking up on you and spying all the time....and then yelling at and accusing you. He is controlling you...you know that? This is controlling behavior and it's not going to get better on its own. There is nothing you can do to help him. He needs to sort this out himself because this is his problem, not yours.....although at this point you have chosen to make it your problem as well by putting up with him.

He needs counseling and even then I have to wonder if it will help. Someone that does this...and will keep doing it like this....this is a rough situation.

If I were you, I would tell him the wedding is on hold until he gets his behavior under control. I would separate from him and have him work this out. There is no way that you should be putting up with this kind of treatment and the longer you do, the worse it's going to get.

Good luck.

---

I think you are right, but then again I think it is more then a control issue for him, he can mangle and twist everything until he truly believes I am doing something wrong. So much in fact that he has thrown himself into a depression because of it! I guess there is nothing I can do to change him, or help him change until and if he ever wants to change himself! I have given him the choice the to talk to a professional or even a church leader, but he gets angry and it causes a huge fit! And somehow he always turns it around on me and makes me feel like the bad guy, the one who is wrong! He judges me for my past when he and I were separated but he married somebody else, now they are divorced.

I cannot believe your hard-working fiancé has enough hours left in the day to behave this way! Like odinn7 said, this is controlling behavior and you are enabling him to continue it. It will only get worse, by the way. And you two have a child who will end up suffering because of how he is.

Will he go with you to a family/couples counselor? I wonder what is behind his need for control. Why is he so insecure? (and, by the way, it is nothing you can fix yourself -- he has to be the one to get help and then cooperate in order to fix it)

He has had bad relationships (has been cheated on) before me, and has an extremely bad relationship with his father who treated his mother this way and worse (physically abusive). I have asked him to go to a counselor with me but he won't go because we do not have insurance to pay for it! He has told me if we can find one that is low cost or free he will go!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MrsLewis2b

I think you are right, but then again i think it is more then a control issue for him, he can mangle and twist everything until he truly believes i am doing something wrong. So much in fact that he has thrown himself into a depression because of it! i guess there is nothing i can do to change him, or help him change until and if he ever wants to change himself! I have given him the choice the to talk to a professional or even a church leader, but he gets angry and it causes a huge fit! And somehow he always turns it around on me and makes me feel like the bad guy, the one who is wrong! He judges me for my past when he and i were separated but he married somebody else, now they are divorced.

---

This is what controlling people do... this even borders on abuse if you ask me. They turn things to make you believe it is your fault that they are doing this and acting this way. Very common. Next step is physical abuse. My sister went through this.

So you asked him to see someone for help and he threw a fit. So now what? Because you don't want him to have a fit or because you don't want him to be depressed you are just going to get married to him and put up with this? Trust me when I tell you, it WILL get worse once you're married. If you think this is bad now, wait until you're locked into this with him and it's even harder to get out.

You know what needs to be done... you know what he's doing... you know what you need to do. The question is, can you?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MrsLewis2b

He has had bad relationships (has been cheated on) before me, and has an extremely bad relationship with his father who treated his mother this way and worse (physically abusive). I have asked him to go to a counselor with me but he won't go because we do not have insurance to pay for it! He has told me if we can find one that is low cost or free he will go!

---

I'm a counselor and know there is sliding-scale/low-cost or even free counseling available. (Why won't he pay full price for it?)

Call your county human services department, Catholic Charities, Lutheran Social Services, area ministers/priests who are trained for this, and some area master's level counselors/agencies. You will have to be to do the work and be the phone interviewer -- and call more than one. First get your spiel ready with questions to ask about the service available. You will get both good vibes and maybe bad ones (and I hope most are good).

I'm here for you and will help you find someone however I can.

That's a good question, I don't know if I can again or not! Like I said before we have been on and off for a long time, I know that this is unhealthy for us all. I know for sure I don't want the stigma of failing at this again! We didn't even plan on us getting back together in the first place! Well I didn't plan on it!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I'm a counselor and know there is sliding-scale/low-cost or even free counseling available. (Why won't he pay full price for it?)

Call your county human services department, Catholic Charities, Lutheran Social Services, area ministers/priests who are trained for this, and some area master's level counselors/agencies. You will have to be to do the work and be the phone interviewer -- and call more than one. First get your spiel ready with questions to ask about the service available. You will get both good vibes and maybe bad ones (and I hope most are good).

I'm here for you and will help you find someone however I can.

---

Thank you very much! I will call them and get all the info we will need. I know that if we both go it may help. I know in his way he loves me it may not be the way I think it should be but there may be enough to save us!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MrsLewis2b

Thank you very much! I will call them and get all the info we will need. i know that if we both go it may help. I know in his way he loves me it may not be the way i think it should be but there may be enough to save us!

---

Actually, he is probably quite miserable inside. If he grew up surrounded by this same behavior, he has never had trusting behavior modeled for him by his parents, so doesn't know how else to act. It's hard to trust or even know what trust is if you have never seen it. (And aside to odinn, I'm not given him a pass on his terrible behavior.)

If he still won't go, YOU go for a least two or three sessions to hammer out with an unbiased counselor what to do and how to deal with him and where to go with the relationship. If he goes with you and it's determined he is depressed, whoever you are meeting with will have a medical professional -- nurse practitioner, GP, psychiatrist -- to send him to if he needs an antidepressant. I'm guessing he will scream at the idea of taking something, but that might smooth out the wrinkles enough to allow good things to start happening.

I did find a resource, hopefully it will work out! I am going to talk to him tonight when he gets home from work! Maybe he will agree to it, I will give him the chance but I don't know how to talk to him about to let him know its for us both not just one of us, and him think I am blaming only him!

Thank you, I am looking into some resources now hopefully I can explain to him about it with out either us getting upset!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MrsLewis2b

He has had bad relationships (has been cheated on) before me, and has an extremely bad relationship with his father who treated his mother this way and worse (physically abusive). I have asked him to go to a counselor with me but he won't go because we do not have insurance to pay for it! He has told me if we can find one that is low cost or free he will go!

---

This might be another way to approach the situation and give added incentive to get help: He needs to understand that he is repeating behaviors that he witnessed growing up and through his actions teaching his daughter that it is okay for a man to treat her like less than a human being. I don't think either of you would want her to think this type of relationship is okay or normal.

I hope everything works out for the best.

To get it across to him have him write down EXACTLY what time to what time he thinks you possibly had time to cheat on him. Then discuss it with him, like well if you think I was with this other guy how would I have made it home from work when I did.
My old boyfriend use to tell me I was cheating on him when I went to the grocery store. I'd tell him ''you were more than welcome to go with me''. I'd point out to him that it takes 15 minutes to get to the grocery store. Then it takes me half an hour to shop and check out. 15 minutes to get back home so since it took me 75 minutes to do all that rather than the 60 minutes how did I have time to meet up with a guy and go cheat and still have all the groceries I had.

I wouldn't even play that game. That is only buying into his BS behavior.