My daughter is getting married next weekend. Because her father and I are divorced she is not getting married in the state we live in, so she does not have to invite him or his family. I was told by her that if I did not have the money to fly out for the wedding then too bad to be me. I work full time and my husband is ill and in a wheelchair. I told her I would be there and we put everything on credit cards so we could go.

I have asked if I could help with planning or be a part of something to help her and she tells me no she does not need my help. Her husband to be is very rich. I worked three jobs to put my kids through college we lived in homeless shelters for two years as life was very hard for me with no child support from their dad.

But now that my daughter has a master degree and a great paying job, she is ashamed of me. Talks down to me and has for a while. I love my kids and want to be a part of their lives. I don't want her to be ashamed of me but I understand she has went on and done well. She makes her rich friends and her fiancé think I am a bad person.

I have no clue as to what do. Help.

I am not sure where the twisting words comes into all this. I have 4 grown kids and one treats me like she is ashamed of me because they grew up in poor neighborhoods, no child support and beat up cars. All you can do is be there and do what you can for her. Try having a heart to heart conversation without coming off as the sacrificing mother. Be as much a part of her life as she will allow. Eventually she will grow closer to you. Right now she wants to live this image of upper class and likely doesn't want her past put out there to others.

Mark Twain said "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years."

If your worried about her not taking you up on your offer to help with the wedding, realize by her not wanting you involved in helping in the wedding could mean nothing negative. She simply could want you to relax and enjoy yourself.

If this is how she is treating you BEFORE the wedding, how will she treat you AT the wedding and reception?

I would skip the wedding, send her a nice gift off her registry (without breaking my bank account), and hope she comes to her senses before I die.

Did she even send you and her father an invitation?

It sounds to me like they already put charges on their credit card (maybe reservations?) to go. I would go, but I would try to not interact with her much. Then if she says anything bad, as briefly and politely as possible defend yourself.

Because you want to be there, then you should go. Be as polite and cordial as you can to every single person there. Keep things light and friendly. If you are going to go, and feel left out, and sulk, or complain, or appear to be less than welcome, then don't go.

Have you met her fiancé? Any of the family? It would be nice if you were at least in company of some people that you do know.

Because you had a difficult time for a part of your life, and your daughter (and other children) were in shelters for two years, that is now in the past. You managed to get her through college, and she is self sufficient with a good job. She is an adult, making her own decisions, and while you may not like the attitude toward you, she is who she is, now.

I encourage you to go, and keep whatever you may think of how she's treated you, or whatever you may think of the whole wedding (being ignored, looked down upon, etc) to yourself. Don't be delegated to thinking you are some relative she had to invite- you are the mother of the bride!! Take your spot, and make the best of the day.

Let her initiate conversation to you and your husband. Don't allow any drama in that could cause a rift on the wedding day. That could cause another rift, that could last for years, and affect the future in ways that will hurt you further- i.e. grandchildren down the road.

Just be smart about it. Keep your dignity intact, put a smile on your face, and the past in the past, and enjoy the wedding as much as you can.

Exactly, be classy, have dignity, fit in. No coming off as the sacrificing mom, no discussing her life or your life with her to others, no drama.

She did not invite her dad

How she twists my words when we were going to her graduation with her Master degree and I told her I was disappointed in how she was acting. She told her friends, and my family and her siblings that I said I was disappointed in her getting a master degree. That is not what I said. She has done this several time.

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Originally Posted by janetteb7730

How she twists my words when we were going to her graduation with her Master degree and I told her I was disappointed in how she was acting.

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How was she acting?

I know a lot of people that twist words. It is a passive aggressive manipulation. That is one of the reasons you need to not get to talking about things unless it is important, worded to the point but clear. Sometimes when I have to deal with people like that I wish I had it tape recorded so I could play back word for word. One conversation you do need to have at an appropriate time and place I ss a heart to heart conversation with examples when no one is around and nothing to distract either of you.

My daughters soon- to- be family has lots of money and I am sure will be dressed well. I don't have the money to go out and buy fancy clothes for the wedding. I have never met any of her friends and none of his family. I will do my best and do much praying that I don't make any mistakes.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

How was she acting?

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She told us that she did not want us to meet her friends, which was fine she told us we had to sit on a metal bleacher for 5 hours while since the setting was limited. All which was fine it was about 55 degrees outside. My husband is a diabetic and needed to eat and I texted her and asked if there was some place we could get him something to snack on and she blew up and said you can just sit there. I did find some crackers in my granddaughter's diaper bag. At times I feel she has been unreasonable, and now that she has a master degree she lets me know I am just plain stupid. I refuse to argue with her. I don't know maybe the problem is me.

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Originally Posted by janetteb7730

My daughters soon- to- be family has lots of money and I am sure will be dressed well. I don't have the money to go out and buy fancy clothes for the wedding. I have never met any of her friends and none of his family. I will do my best and do much praying that I don't make any mistakes.

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You don't have to wear anything fancy. Look at some simple mother of the bride type dresses and try to find something affordable if you need to buy a dress.

The problem is not you. She is belittling you. Now that you have said about the graduation I am having second thoughts if you should go.

You sound like you have a bit of a self-suffering streak. Show some pride in who you are and what you have sacrificed for her. Don't just say 'fine' to not meeting friends, to sitting on bleachers for 5 hours in 55 degrees, to any of this. But don't argue or complain either. Just be who you are and if you are treated rudely, say goodbye on the phone, or leave without a word if at an event. (I think I would have left the bleachers hours ago!)

I too think that she will change as she ages. Right now she's all about herself.

I have had counseling for 16 years to over come physical and mental abuse from her father and my parents. I can hold my head up and love her and wait for her to grow up. I will go to the wedding, however with the federal budget that might shut down all national parks and she is getting married in a national park on October 1. I may be the one helping my daughter if all her plans go to the way side if the park closed due to disagreements with the budget with the federal government. Karma?

You seem to think its okay to be abused by the daughter you sacrificed so much for, and bend over backward for. It's NOT. I wouldn't go, and if I did it would be for the ceremony and not the 5 hour wait. Are all her guest supposed to be sitting for so long on metal bleachers?

If you insist on this insanity, take a goody bag for your husband so at least he doesn't have to suffer with his diabetes as well as your humility. Personally I would have nothing to do with this disrespectful snob.

Haven't you had enough abuse from what should have been the closest people to you? You might have made mistakes before and bad choices, but clearly you have been through enough to make better ones now.

Thanks for the advise, I appreciate it very much it has allowed me to feel as if it is OK to be upset at this behavior. What makes me question things is last year I had a brain aneurysm burst and had to air lifted from one hospital to another to save my life. I had a 4 to 6% chance of survival. My daughter never left my side. She was so good to me and I felt so loved by her for the first time in my life, that is why I am so puzzled now. The only thing that changed is she is engaged to a wealthy man.

Maybe sometime in alone time with her, have a heart to heart with her and make sure to tell her all the special times with her an let her know she means so much to you that it hurts when she belittles you.