For the past 10 years I have been in a relationship with a man that I thought was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. We had always planned to get married but had young children that we wanted to make sure I would accept the relationship

We moved in together after being in a relationship for 6 years. I have two daughters and he has a daughter and a son the range in ages from 19 to 6. Two years ago I learned that this man had cheated with another woman and fathered a child who turn 2 years old 2 days ago. We discussed it... he admitted that he had made a terrible mistake and that he wanted to move past the mistake and continue with our relationship. Reluctantly I forgave him although it was hard to forget because we are a family to take care of our children and we see his outside daughter regularly (2 - 3 times a week... I even pick her up most days) to ensure we include her in our family. He honestly felt like since he had admitted to it and it was over with that I should be beyond the hurt and the pain and be able to move on.

He proposed to me 6 months after the child was born I said yes but I always had this thing in the back of my mind therefore I never move forward with an actual wedding plan. In the meantime he began to feel as though I did not want to marry him since I had not run out and made immediate planning to get married. He became very distant. I have now learned that he is indeed seeing another and he has decided to move out of our home. Each time I talk to him I try to encourage him to come back home and to put our family back together and to move forward with our plans but he refuses. He says he cares about the woman that he is with and he wants to be with her.

I have these problems/questions :

Did I do anything wrong?
I feel pathetic for still wanting him in my life?

How can I let go of him and move away from my feelings for him and the children?

I can't seem to let go and I've gone through all the breakup advice um I've tried to go to no contact which is hard when I still see the children on a consistent basis. He still even tries to sleep with me and that's hard because I love him and I miss him and I want to sleep with him.

This has been the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life because of the child and our decision to continue the relationship there were several several family members and friends that did not understand that decision therefore that cost us not to be on good terms and we stop speaking. There were people who just flat out told us that our relationship would never work.

Can you collect child support through the court? Be good parents but never let him back in your heart or bed. Yes it's the hardest thing you will ever do, but must be done for your children and your sanity. Its not your fault you had kids with a lying cheating sperm donor, but now you know the truth, what you do about it is up to you. Handle your business and make him pay to support his kids officially.

And stop begging him to come back and be glad he left. Time to rebuild your life, and do better than this cheater.

Last week I made the decision to give him the ring back and he admitted that he did not expect me to give the ring back because of what he had done but he had a different level of respect for me for returning his ring. I can admit that I have not made it easy for him to obtain his things for my home because I was afraid of letting go and I still want our relationship to work somehow. I feel like that sounds crazy but I know what I want... and I also know that he's got to want the same. He will still support me in any way he will still have sex with me but he says he does not want to continue a relationship with me.

I'm not sure how to accept that...

I know its hard to accept after so much history between you, but eventually you will see it as the beginning of a new and better chapter of your life. A better one for true happiness and not the fake one of the past.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I know its hard to accept after so much history between you, but eventually you will see it as the beginning of a new and better chapter of your life. A better one for true happiness and not the fake one of the past.

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I understand it's healthy for me to move to the next chapter, however I'm not sure just how to just do it...

I am connected to his kids they call me and I call them, he does the same with my kids.
He still comes by the house to pick up things he needs or the kids
He questions me about who I'm with and what I'm doing
Some days he acts like everything is fine and we are still a family
I fear being alone and unhappy
It seems like I have no single friends
It seems I'm out here alone and no one knows how I feel

I truly need to let go, but it feels like we are attached in so many ways... then hoping what we had will come back.

How do folks get through this?

Definitely go after child support. You didn't do anything wrong.
What he did here **He proposed to me 6 months after the child was born I said yes but I always had this thing in the back of my mind therefore I never move forward with an actual wedding plan. In the meantime he began to feel as though I did not want to marry him since I had not run out and made immediate planning to get married.** was manipulate you. Cheaters are manipulators, not good ones but they are.
You invested all those years in a relationship without insisting on marriage, yet in the middle of these affairs he is going to make you feel obligated to marriage when you haven't even gotten over what he did the first time. Easy excuse to put the fault on you. He may have jumped into that relationship before he brought up marriage and used the whole thing as an an easy excuse to leave.
Don't beg and plead for him, its time to move on and do what is in the best interest for YOU and your kids.

There are many men (and women) who make mistakes. They get involved with a man who already has children, then add to the mix, yet more children, and then yet another child from a previously unknown relationship with another woman adds to the lineup.

To have a situation like that work, both parties have to be totally and completely devoted to each other, and to the children, equally. 'united we stand, divided we fall' comes to mind.

From what you have said, clearly the unity, commitment, love, and solidarity does not exist in your relationship with him. You know him well enough, that he lacks the desire to put his needs second to that of his family with you. He has thrown a huge wrench into the lives of all these children, which in turn leaves you to deal with the aftermath.

Concentrate on what you need to do, to ensure a stable environment for the children now in your care. That means not letting 'daddy' in for a booty call, and it means getting rid of all his stuff, so that they know he's not coming back, and not left floundering and hurting, and confused over what you and him, are doing.

They must come first. You being alone, feeling lonely, not having a social life or friends to turn to for support, has to, for now, take a backseat to what the needs of your children are.

When you can say that they have been taken care of with a stable home, and some normalcy in their lives, and routine is back to normal, then would be the time to start thinking about your own future.

But until you can finally call it quits with this man, and realize that the family you want with him is never going to happen, your life will remain a depressed, unhappy situation for you and the children, as long as you keep your worries and your own confusion at the top of the list.

Put the children first, get rid of his stuff, cut ties with him completely, or as completely as you can because there are children involved, and get a child support order in place.

You and him, are over.