Ask Me Help Desk - How can I get over my boyfriend watching porn?

So I know my boyfriend watches porn and we've discussed it. I want to point out that I don't have an issue with porn. I myself have been watching it for years in my 'alone' time and I know plenty of my other female and male friends do too. At the start I didn't care about my boyfriend watching porn. But then I started to have resentments towards it. I understand it's completely hypocritical which is why I'm not going down the path of restricting him from porn because he's allowed to do what he wants and even more so if I do it too. I just want other people's opinions.

One time I got too nosey and checked his Internet history while he was alseep, all the porn he watches is pretty standard stuff, there's nothing concerning about what he watches. I can see the pattern of when he watches it, we spend 4 out of 7 nights a week together, we have an incredible sex life and he tends to only watch it on nights he's alone if we hadn't had sex earlier that day.
I know he thinks I'm beautiful and I know he's sexually attracted to me, we constantly try new things and we have a great sex life but I can't help having this negative feeling!

I spoke to him about it but he said he loves me and he'd prefer to have sex with me over watching porn but it's not a topic that he wants to further discuss because he said he's almost ashamed of admitting he watches it.

It's not a threat to our relationship and I don't feel like he's cheating on me or anything, but I just want advise from othe girls who have been in similar situations and have gotten over this irrational paranoia

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Originally Posted by Secretuser

So I know my boyfriend watches porn and we've discussed it.

It's awesome that you two are this comfortable talking about your sex life and issues regarding sex. Make kudos.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretuser

I want to point out that I don't have an issue with porn. I myself have been watching it for years in my 'alone' time and I know plenty of my other female and male friends do too. At the start I didn't care about my boyfriend watching porn. But then I started to ha resentments towards it.
I understand it's completely hypocritical which is why I'm not ping down the path of restricting him from porn because he's allowed to do what he wants and even more so if I do it too.

Because you realize that is the road to ruin of your relationship with him right?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretuser

I just want othe people's opinions.
One time I got too nosey and checked his Internet history while he was alseep, all the porn he watches is pretty standard stuff, there's nothing concerning about what he watches. I can see the pattern of when he watches it, we spend 4 out of 7 nights a week together, we have an incredible sex life and he tends to only watch it on nights he's alone if we hadn't had sex earlier that day.

The snooping concerns me because that is an invasion of privacy. Even though you're a couple, there are areas and things you just don't do. One of those is snooping. You're assuming your partner is dishonest and you intend to catching him being so. It is one of the first death knells for a relationship. Don't do it again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretuser

I know he thinks I'm beautiful and I know he's sexually attracted to me, we constantly try new things and we have a great sex life but I can't help having this negative feeling!

What is the negative feeling and why do you feel it. Don't you dare say, "I don't know". This is the crux of your problem. Figure this out, why you're uneasy about this, and you'll have your answer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretuser

I spoke to him about it but he said he loves me and he'd prefer to have sex with me over watching porn but it's not a topic that he wants to further discuss because he said he's almost ashamed of admitting he watches it.

This surprises you how? It's a private thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretuser

It's not a threat to our relationship and I don't feel like he's cheating on me or anything, but I just want advise from othe girls who have been in similar situations and have gotten over this irrational paranoia

The facts:
1). He loves you
2). You self-admittedly have an AWESOME sex life.
3). He finds you sexy.
4). By your SNOOPING he doesn't do it while he's with you.

Here is an exercise for you. Imagine your lives together if you had no IDEA he was watching porn. The only interference that this is bringing into the relationship is from you. What you need to do is figure out what your irrational paranoia is, why you feel uneasy. We can't really tell you what or why. It is one of those voyage of self-discovery things...

I don't see what there was to discuss with him, you told him you snoped though his computer, know when he is watching porn. Good grief, no wonder he is acting ashamed, one is not ashamed unless this was not a discussion but more a complaint

Irrational paranoia is a sign of a deep rooted fear in my opinion, so find the root cause of your fear, and you can address this personal problem. Probably has nothing at all to do with porn. Nor should you make it his issue at all.

How old are you both and how old is this relationship. Could you have baggage from old relationships, or a traumatic event you have buried? Have you ever snooped before? Why now?

An honest self evaluation into your own history may reveal a pattern of negative thinking and actions that could be revealing.

If it had people having sex with animals or pedophillia I'd worry, or if there was a video of him with your best friend... otherwise don't sweat it.

I bet the boyfriends and husbands of Victorias secret models still look at porn...

As was suggested... I think you have some hidden bliefs you are denying you have even to yourself.

As a guy speaking... its a diversion... Just like watching a car show with expensive and exotic cars. We'll never own or even get to drive one... but they are still enjoyable to look at.

I can guess that you started having negative feelings about porn around the time you started recognizing you care about him more than past boyfriends. Part of you is probably celebrating the feelings of new love and all the warm fuzziness that comes with it. Another part is afraid of losing the feelings and the man. It may even be looking for evidence that there are problems. Some people think porn usage signals issues. You seem to understand on a logic-based level that it doesn't.

Listen to your mind and let the insecurity go. Accept that he cares about you and wants to be with you. Have confidence in your choice of a partner. Have confidence in yourself. When you encourage and strengthen the positive feelings, you lessen the impact negative ones can have. Let yourself believe on every level that he is with you and the porn won't matter.

Remember this, keep communications open with him. If sex becomes less frequent or has any other minor changes, don't blame porn. Look to see what else has changed. Stress, work hours, health concerns, etc. along with the normal slow down once the newness wears off are extremely common causes of libido changes. Communicating and compromising is one way to keep a relationship strong once the honeymoon phase is over.

Good luck.