I'm a bisexual girl and am best friends with a bisexual guy. What was once a harmless crush slowly turned into a heartache and whenever I start reading into anything he says (no matter how flirty it might be) I feel like a fool because I'm not attractive at all and he always was more into guys. But recently he started mentioning random girls he found attractive to me. I don't know if it's a way to communicate that "Hey I'm not as gay in the spectrum as you think". He keeps doing little things like tickling me playfully, saying we were like a married couple and as such. But then he goes and makes a joke about my weight or acts in a way that suggests he finds me overbearing. I truly have no idea how to proceed. This is affecting my life, I keep having inappropriate dreams and waking up feeling awful because of how delusional my brain is.

You should just ask how he feels about you. You should also tell him how it makes you feel when he puts you down.

Be aware too that many people identify for a time as bisexual but then figure out they are decidedly gay or straight. If you want monogamy, you do have to choose.

I think you need a candid conversation.

Also, not knowing how old you are... some young people are confused because they aren't really emotionally developed enough to know their sexual orientation. It never used to be a decision... it was assumed everyone was straight and those who just knew they weren't came to that realization over time. With kids becoming sexualized in fashion, media and so on younger, they try to outwardly identify themselves sexually in society before they have figured it out. Some people are bisexual for life but it is not very common. Many gay people start by identifying as bi. Many straight people get confused because they don't know yet what they should feel.

Moral of the story... take your time to figure out your own heart and mind.

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Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

you feel when he puts you down.

Be aware too that many people identify for a time as bisexual but then figure out they are decidedly gay or straight. If you want monogamy, you do have to choose.

I think you need a candid conversation.

Also, not knowing how old you are...some young people are confused because they aren't really emotionally developed enough to know their sexual orientation. It never used to be a decision...it was assumed everyone was straight and those who just knew they weren't came to that realization over time. With kids becoming sexualized in fashion, media and so on younger, they try to outwardly identify themselves sexually in society before they have figured it out. Some people are bisexual for life but it is not very common. Many gay people start by identifying as bi. Many straight people get confused because they don't know yet what they should feel.

Moral of the story...take your time to figure out your own heart and mind.

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Would it help if I said we were both 21 and rather mature for our ages (I'm not just saying this.) Also I witnessed one of my female friends having a crush on him and as soon as he caught on, he severed all ties with her so he is like that. I cannot stand the idea of not having him as a friend since we share a lot of things and the times we spend together are truly quality. (Our sense of humor is the same, our interests are the same, and maybe this is irrelevant but even our type of male is the same (looks wise)) We both go to college and are majoring at the same thing. So it looks like a match made in heaven but the thing is I can't predict how he will react. Because he might sever all of our bonds at the slightest mention of something more than friends and I am hesitant to take the risk.

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Originally Posted by Buckbeak

Would it help if I said we were both 21 and rather mature for our ages (I'm not just saying this.) Also I witnessed one of my female friends having a crush on him and as soon as he caught on, he severed all ties with her so he is like that. I cannot stand the idea of not having him as a friend since we share a lot of things and the times we spend together are truly quality. (Our sense of humor is the same, our interests are the same, and maybe this is irrelevant but even our type of male is the same (looks wise)) We both go to college and are majoring at the same thing. So it looks like a match made in heaven but the thing is I can't predict how he will react. Because he might sever all of our bonds at the slightest mention of something more than friends and I am hesitant to take the risk.

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If he is not into you then it isn't a match made in heaven.

There are a lot of issues here. He may not be ready for a committed relationship with anyone. Merely saying someone is attractive doesn't mean you want a relationship with that person. Also if he is in a committed relationship with a girl then he can't be with guys. That might hold him back as well.

And stop being so hard on yourself. Yes you like him. That is not a crime and that is not something bad. We have all been there and we have all survived.

Spending a lot of time with a best friend often leads to strong intense feelings of attraction especially for some one that that doesn't think they can get it elsewhere. So I ask how is the rest of your life besides the time you spend with this best friend?

Ask yourself If he weren't your best friend would you be just as happy? Or is he the only happiness you have? Only you can decide if you have a proper enough perspective to know if these romantic notions are worth the risk of being honest, or if this friendship is enough and just a part of your life or too big a part of your life.

I suspect you see him as your best chance for romance, and have nothing to balance that notion. That's why I ask what the other parts of your life is like.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Spending a lot of time with a best friend often leads to strong intense feelings of attraction especially for some one that that doesn't think they can get it elsewhere. So I ask how is the rest of your life besides the time you spend with this best friend?

Ask yourself If he weren't your best friend would you be just as happy? Or is he the only happiness you have? Only you can decide if you have a proper enough perspective to know if these romantic notions are worth the risk of being honest, or if this friendship is enough and just a part of your life or too big a part of your life.

I suspect you see him as your best chance for romance, and have nothing to balance that notion. That's why I ask what the other parts of your life is like.

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Well let me clarify that, I already have a girlfriend and I am polyamorous (as she is) I just feel the same love for him too and its eating me. Also I have plenty of other friends I spend a lot of time with doing similar things (playing video games, doing inappropriate jokes etc.) and I've never felt the same things for them.

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Originally Posted by Buckbeak

Well let me clarify that, I already have a girlfriend and I am polyamorous (as she is) I just feel the same love for him too and its eating me. Also I have plenty of other friends I spend a lot of time with doing similar things (playing video games, doing inappropriate jokes etc.) and I've never felt the same things for them.

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Does he know about the girlfriend? I am guessing he does so it shouldn't be a shock to you that he keeps you at a safe distance. If you were to act on your feelings, cheating is cheating.

Thank you for the added information, it does help. While its not unusual to have feelings for others some intense, it not okay to act on them, nor is it appropriate.

Stay within the boundaries of good behavior, and don't cheat on your girlfriend. Nor ask your best friend to help you cheat. It's okay to fantasize about what if, but that's where it needs to stay, in dreams and fantasy. You have a girlfriend, and best friend. Keep it that way and don't be tempted to be carried away by your strong feelings for others that are perfectly natural. We cannot control what we feel, but we can control what we do about those feelings.

I thought there was a lot more to this than what you originally posted, and no doubt will have a huge difference on the advice given.

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Originally Posted by Buckbeak

Well let me clarify that, I already have a girlfriend and I am polyamorous (as she is) I just feel the same love for him too and its eating me. Also I have plenty of other friends I spend a lot of time with doing similar things (playing video games, doing inappropriate jokes etc.) and I've never felt the same things for them.

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Does she know about your feelings for this male? Would she be okay if you had a relationship with him? When feelings of love are involved unexpected emotions can up. Sometimes, certain individuals can trigger negative reactions that others don't.

Does he know you are polyamorous? Is he? As you should know, being bi does not mean that a person is automatically okay with 'open' relationships or 'sharing'. If he believes in monogamy and full commitment to one person at a time, he may prefer being a friend instead of (in his eyes) the other person.

Is he currently in a relationship?

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Does she know about your feelings for this male? Would she be okay if you had a relationship with him? When feelings of love are involved unexpected emotions can up. Sometimes, certain individuals can trigger negative reactions that others don't.

Does he know you are polyamorous? Is he? As you should know, being bi does not mean that a person is automatically okay with 'open' relationships or 'sharing'. If he believes in monogamy and full commitment to one person at a time, he may prefer being a friend instead of (in his eyes) the other person.

Is he currently in a relationship?

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Thank you for your response this was really helpful. Well let's see... yes my girlfriend knows about my feelings for him (I explained it to her explicitly , no grey areas. )And she actually wants us to get together and often mentions how hilarious and adorable we are when we interact. She has relationships of her own too and they are truly great people (so I hope this is an answer to the above people who thinks I am going to cheat on my girlfriend... look up polyamorous relationship in a dictionary please) As for him knowing... he knows about my girlfriend but doesn't know her as my "girlfriend", I don't know if he is okay with polyamory, and yes of course I know bisexualitu doesn't constitute being okay with open relationships (although I feel like he might be ) but I won't know if I don't ask. But how do I ask this without making it awkward?

Oh and I missed that one, yes he is single and often texts and moans to me about being lonely.

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As for him knowing... he knows about my girlfriend but doesn't know her as my "girlfriend", I don't know if he is okay with polyamory

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Your best friend doesn't know you have a girl friend? Keeping secrets from your best friend? Ask him what he thinks about polyamoryl relationships. Or the fact you indeed do have a girlfriend.

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Originally Posted by Buckbeak

Thank you for your response this was really helpful. Well let's see...yes my girlfriend knows about my feelings for him (i explained it to her explicitly , no grey areas. )And she actually wants us to get together and often mentions how hilarious and adorable we are when we interact. She has relationships of her own too and they are truly great people (so i hope this is an answer to the above people who thinks i am going to cheat on my girlfriend...look up polyamorous relationship in a dictionary please) As for him knowing...he knows about my girlfriend but doesnt know her as my "girlfriend", i dont know if he is okay with polyamory, and yes of course i know bisexualitu doesnt constitute being okay with open relationships (although i feel like he might be ) but i wont know if i dont ask. But how do I ask this without making it awkward?

Oh and I missed that one, yes he is single and often texts and moans to me about being lonely.

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Again if he isn't in to you, he isn't in to you. Then you have the whole polyamorous thing he may not be into. Also I don't see that as a way of establishing a long term relationship. But this is your life and your choices. So if that is what you want, go for it.

I think your polyamory might be an issue for your friend. And he may just want to leave it at friends.

Let me share with you that I am pushing 50 and had a very, very close male friend (we are both straight and I'm a woman). Well, he was pushing for more than a friendship, coming out of a divorce. Long story short, I didn't want to date him. I tried to be clear and there were misunderstandings until I was even more clear. Well, the next time I saw him, he ran into someone at a party at my house and started dating her. She happened to be a former in-law of mine who I don't care for (the party was for my son, her nephew, or she'd not have been invited). Anyway, my former friend, among my best friends, has since ditched me. He wanted a girlfriend, not a female friend.

I guess the reason I'm telling you this is that you have to ask for what you need in your relationships with people, and be prepared for them to respond that they want nothing, or something less, or something more, or something different. You will lose some relationships this way, of course, but generally they are meant to be lost because that person's role in your life has run its course and they can no longer be what you need them to be, or vice versa, and what they have to offer isn't the right fit for you. This isn't a tragedy, it's just the process of life.

I have to laugh at your characterization of yourself as mature, implying that you have the maturity to know what you want in love relationships. I don't doubt that you are very mature, but when you are my age - more than double yours - you will realize that you don't know anything about relationships, you're just muddling through. None of us ever become experts on this one! Relationships are hard, and as a polyamorous bi person, you have a lot of complexity in yours. Most people want to date someone who's decidedly gay or straight, and most people are not cut out for polyamory. You are often going to be turned down just for these reasons and can't take it personally. Sounds like you have someone you love though, and that's better than most of us get.

Take care!

Thank you for your advice. It is rather insightful. I'll take those into consideration.

PS. My claim of maturity was on grounds of my sexuality , not relationship expertise (cause truly I know next to nothing about relationships) Just thought I will mention that.