:eek: why do I always get myself into these situations?

Me, my friend, and her boyfriend are in a band together... and until recently everything was springing up daisies, so to speak. However my friend and her boyfriend have being having quite a few problems the past few weeks, and since I am good friends with them both, I was trying to give them both a bit of advice... (Stupid of me I know... I really wasn't meaning to interfere in a bad way)

A couple of nights ago the three of us were having a 3-way conversation on msn, when they started having a serious fight... As per usual, I somehow ended up being the eternal advice-giver, but somehow ended up getting more involved than I wanted to. See the boyfriend wanted to break up with her for me... Apparently he'd fallen for me when he first started speaking to me? Well anyway... I was so shocked at this, that I blurted out that I was interested in him as well... :confused:

I am interested in him, in a way... but I'd had him firmly settled in my mind as my friends boyfriend... (which you don't need to remind me is strictly off limits... )

So to cut a long story short... they broke up. It was mutual, and they still seem to be on pretty good terms... The guy wants to start seeing me in a couple of weeks, once things settle down a bit... (For the record, my friend is not aware of his feelings yet)

The problem I have is that 1: He is now my closest friend's EX (which is even more off limits) and 2: Now that I have had a couple of days to think about it, I'm not at all sure that I care about him in that way... It was so utterly confusing on the night, that I blurted out a lot of things without actually thinking them through properly...

So the question I have is this: How on earth do I get out of this situation without hurting them both? Any advice would be welcome...

Thanks guys

Sheebsta

Well I guess basically you write off the band if you start dating them and of course write off your friend as a friend, since they will believe something was going on before if you start seeing them right away.

And basically you would say thank you for the other person affection but say that you could not possibliy date the ex of your best friend.

No matter what at this point, there is no good answer

If your not sure that you have feelings for someone, especially your best friends ex, I would say it is not wise to begin a relationship with him. Even if you did have feelings for him, it may not be wise to start a relationship - if there is any doubt, I would advise against it.

Come on, you know the answer to that. You don't do it. Period. No excuses. No "but I have feelings for him..." stuff. No, but my friend won't really care since he is her ex cause you know no matter what she says, she will care. More than likely this guy is not your soulmate and he will not be worth losing a friend over. Even if she remains your friend, I guarantee you, it will never be the same and you can't go back and fix it later.

How can he say he wants to start seeing you in a couple of weeks? Is it his choice alone or did you guys agree to something?? Really, 2 weeks, 2 years, doesn't matter, the act is the same. He's only giving her 2 weeks to get over him before he stabs her in the back with her very good friend?? What kind of character does that? Not a very good one.

Don't do it. Your feelings don't matter. You'll get over it and you'll feel much better knowing you did the right thing.

Hmm thanks for the feedback. I agree with you solid 357 except for one thing... I can't control what another person does, and if he told her before I did, then she would have good reason to believe that I was trying to hide it from her because I intended to have a relationship with this guy (and I wouldn't blame her for thinking that... if I were here I'd probably think the same thing). I just know that secrets have a way of coming out... wouldn't it be better to tell her how it is from my point of view, before he gets a chance to? We've been good friends for a long time, and wouldn't it be better in the long run to get this out in the open?

I don't believe that any guy is worth losing a friend over, but, everything else aside, this guy is my friend too, and I don't want to lose his friendship either.

It's quite funny though... I'd never actually thought about this guys character. You have a point momincali.

... I just hope that I can undo this mess before it gets any more out of hand...

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Originally Posted by sheebsta

... I just hope that I can undo this mess before it gets any more out of hand...

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The way I see it, its not much of a mess yet, at least not a mess that involves you. Just set the record straight with this guy, let him know what yo usaid isn't truly how you feel. Would you like to lose two friends, or none?

Harsh, but straight to the point lol. I agree with you though... Do you guys think I should tell her about this?

If you have no intention of getting together with this guy, then, yes, tell her. She needs to see that you are HER friend and you have no intention of betraying her. Tell her that when you offered him your friendship, attempting to repair their relationship (which I'm glad you acknowledge was not the Smart Bunny thing to do) he misplaced his feelings. Reassure her that you will not go there, no matter what. I'd go far enough to say that he probably is just confused and feels attracted to you cause you were nice to him. If she is a good friend and mature enough, I think she will appreciate your honesty.

And for the record, I don't think that offering this guy friendship is a good choice right now. He's vulnerable and quite frankly, so are you right now. Any communication or contact with him will inevitably lead you down a path of regret and poor judgment. Don't lead him on. Do yourself a favor and avoid the pitfalls.

That is a tough question.

On one hand, I believe she has the right to know because you two are friends.
On the other, because she and him are no longer together, what he is doing and how he is doing it with should not be her business or her concern.

Because you are her best friend, and you wish to remain friends, I think it important that you tell her. If she finds out from him that you tried to hide it, she will not believe that nothing happened. I would recommend straightening it out with him, then informing her. At least that way you can let her know that you know you scrwed up, but you cleaned up your mess...

I should never have told this guy that I was interested... It just popped out! Gah I really don't think sometimes... But no, I don't have any intention of getting together with this guy, and the funny thing is, that I think you're absolutely right about why he's interested in me... The relationship went sour, and I was a shoulder to cry on, so to speak.

Hmm... Well they say honesty's the best policy! As I said in a previous post... after thinking for a couple of days I realise that I don't think I'm interested in this guy as more than a friend... Why I said I was? God... I wish I had a justifiable answer... All I can think of is that his decleration completely came out of the blue, and I didn't have time to think?? I don't intend to lead him on, although I think it's a little unfair to just give him the cold shoulder because he was honest with me. All I can think of to do in a situation like this is to just be as honest as I can with everyone involved... hopefully it works out..

Any other advice would be great guys so keep em' comin'! You've all been very helpful so far... You've really helped me to get my head together about this.

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Originally Posted by sheebsta

I don't intend to lead him on, although I think it's a little unfair to just give him the cold shoulder because he was honest with me. All I can think of to do in a situation like this is to just be as honest as I can with everyone involved... hopefully it works out..

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It sounds like you know what you need to do, so nows the hard part. Go do it :)

Don't think of it as the cold shoulder, as you may not need to completely ignore him and cut him out of your life. I DO think that you need to be completely clear, and be sure that he understands exactly what was said, and how that differs from what you feel. You said it yourself, you Don't want to lead him on. Its probably best that you take a step away from him, so his feelings for don't grow any stronger... though completely cutting him out may not be necessary.

Sheebsta, I'm not telling you to avoid contact with this guy to be mean, but lets be real here. Contact in anyway or form with this guy will only serve 2 purposes. One, it will tempt you and him to do what you shouldn't. Two, it will put a doubt in your friend's mind of your sincerity, give the appearance that there is more to the story, why do that? Just let him know that you have no intention of getting involved with him in any way or form and that it's not in anybody's best interest (yours, his or your friend's) to continue that friendship with him. Let him know that he's a good guy, but that this friendship or contact with him is just not a good idea.

I know you think it may seem cold, but it's really the opposite. You're nipping this in the bud and preventing the escalation and confusion that will come naturally if you continue this friendship. So, communication of any kind, email, text.. whatever, should really be avoided all together. That will set him free to get on with his life and re-establish your position in the Smart Bunny Club. You're a good gal and a good friend.

:) I definitely agree with you sypher. Lol there's not much I can do yet though (I'm in AUS - It's 4:00am here :p )

I do agree with what you're saying... But how do I avoid him if I a: Have to rehearse with him, and b: he's still friends with his ex (my friend)?
I'm responsible for doing enough damage as it is. If my stupid actions haven't destroyed the band already, then cutting contact (sensible though it is in a way) will certainly annihilate what's left of it.

If he likes you and you like him and your BOTH single id say go for it. If your friend is so immiture to get over it. Well she's just sad. Personaly, sure she'll be a bit upset, but oh well. She'll find a different guy for god's sake. If your in hs then omg its not real love anyway so who cares. What is wrong with dating a friends ex... if they don't care for each other? Even if they do oh well you like who u like. Why live in unhappiness.

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Originally Posted by Raynefreak

If he likes you and you like him and your BOTH single id say go for it. If your friend is soo immiture to get over it. Well she's just sad. Personaly, sure she'll be a bit upset, but oh well. She'll find a different guy for god's sake. If your in hs then omg its not real love anyway so who cares. What is wrong with dating a friends ex...if they dont care for each other? Even if they do oh well you like who u like. Why live in unhappiness.

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I disagree with this on a few points.

First of all, I wouldn't recommend getting into a relationship with anyone after they have just left one. You don't want to be a rebound, and you certainly don't want to be a "replacement" for something that he just lost.

Secondly, I wouldn't think it immature of her friend to be upset about it. I certainly would not take kindly to a friend going out with an ex of mine, especially if the breakup was very recently. I'd think it a common curtesy to stay away from a friends ex. Just because they broke up, I don't know if its fair to say "They dont care for each other".

Finally, I agree that yo ucan't help who you like, though I do think that you can prevent a simple crush or infatuation from developing into anything further. And on top of that, she has come to realization that she does not like him, it was something that she blurted out in the confusion of the sitatution. If there is ANY DOUBT in your feelings, entering a relationship would be a bad idea, as if its not a bad enough idea as it is.

Sheebsta,

I wouldn't worry about "destroying the band" or "annhilating" any friendship that you have. On this point I agree with momincali - if he is truly as good a friend that you say he is, he will understand that you are doing what's best for both of you. You don't want to both end up hurt in the end, and I think that by being honest with him, you are saving both of you hurt in the future. As far as the band is concerned, I would think there is more tension between him and her than between you and him. Im not sure how it is possible for them to remain together with the band if they just had a breakup, though I suppose it is possible. To be honest, I can forsee ugly events happening in the future if they remain as close as they are, but I can't predict the future.

Id also like to add that if you were to begin a relationship with him, regardless of the truth, your friend would likely believe that something had happened between the two of you while they were dating. That may be an unforgivable action - even if it was not true.

I also disagree with Rayne on this one. Yes, our emotions don't ask our permission on who we like and who we don't. True. But, we're not animals. We have choices to make, hopefully right ones. We can control our actions, if not our emotions. Our emotions don't have to draw us into doing things just cause we feel like it. Our feelings can get us into a lot of trouble and create lots of trouble for others as well. If everyone ran around doing what they felt because it would make them happy than we'd all eventually get screwed. Thieves, carjackers, child molesters, rapists. They think like that. I want it, I'll do what I have to to get it, if it hurts someone else, oh well, as long as I'm happy. I'd like to think that with your head on straight, we can withdraw and set ourselves apart from those actions. And yeah, why give the appearance of betrayal when it can totally be avoided. If the band goes to heck, who cares, it's a small price to pay for a long time cherished friendship and your dignity.

I've been the 'rebound chick' before, and I know how hurtful it can be... *shudders*
Rayne, I've been friends with her for YEARS... Would you risk YEARS of friendship for what would undoubtably be a fairly short fling?? And how would YOU feel if your closest friend started dating your ex, whom you broke up with only weeks before? And as you said, "She'll find a different guy for god's sake"... Yes I'm sure she would... but that's completely irrelevant... It would be the betrayal , MY betrayal of our friendship that would hurt her...

They do still care for each other (That's why they still want to continue the band). They had a truly amiable break up, which was mutual on both sides. As far as I know, they're still friends, so wouldn't that make the betrayal worse? If it is so easy for her to find another guy as you claim, then surely it is just as easy for me to find another guy?

Sypher, once again I agree with you! Lol. If I were her, and she announced to me less than two weeks after I broke up with my boyfriend that she was seeing him, I would certainly believe that they had been going behind my back... And for the record I would never forgive her.

Hmm... I know you're also finding it a little hard to believe that the band can/will continue... But we've been working on it for a long time and have finally gotten to the stage where we can actually start performing and getting a solid fan base, and we've all worked at it for too long to just let it slip through our fingers.

(By the way Rayne I'm not in high school, I graduated last year.)

Well thing is its no law that says you can't date a friends ex. Persoanly I think if both have been single for awhile and kind of moved on, sure date who you want. I think its stupid to say that if your friend dates a guy that's off limits to anyone else dating him. If I had this prob, if my friend liked a guy I broke up with a few weeks or month ago, id say, if you really like him. Ok. Sure its an odd situation, but people like who they like. That's life. Move on. It's just kind of silly to me that someone would ruin their happiness because their friend is too immiute to let go after a month. That guy isn't going to stya single for life lol. Come on. . and this sounds like a hs prob. W/e do what you what in the end I just think its silly to not date who you want. I don't need to worry I'm engaged and been out of school for 4 yrs.

But w/e she don't like him I am just saying

That's the key word - a WHILE! A while isn't two weeks in my world. Don't get me wrong, I do understand what you're saying, but basically all it comes down to is what's more important? A longstanding friendship or a guy? There's no contest in my opinion.