Ask Me Help Desk - What to do about room mate boyfriend with benefits?

I have been broken up with my ex of 3 years for a year now. We still live together and share expenses. He buys groceries one week I get the other week, etc. I still attend all of his family functions as does he with my family. My problem is I don't know where to go from here! I feel so alone in this "relationship".

After all he did dump me to "be single and not regret life". He will do things like go over to a girls house to smoke but will never own up to being sexual with any of them. Do I think he is hooking up? I honestly don't. But why is he keeping me at such a distance. He still has sex with me almost every night and has always been faithful to me when we were in a relationship. He says that I am way to controlling and become crazy when he wants to chill with another girl. He always makes references to being the girl he wants to marry and start a family with but then hangs out with other girls and tries to live a single lifestyle?

Most of my friends think that I am way out of his league and should dump him for good. But I have never felt love like this before. I need advice anything would be appreciated!

This isn't a relationship unless you have agreed to an open arrangement which it doesn't sound like it. It isn't love, either.

You need a place of your own. You need to let him go and move forward with your life. Stop letting yourself believe you are anything more than a hot body when he wants a release and companionship when he doesn't want to be alone.

He wants to be free. Let him have his freedom. Enjoy your own. Learn how to live for yourself instead of holding on the fantasies he spins.

As for the other women, sorry, but you have no right to know who he is with and what they are doing. All you have a right to know is if he is disease free. He can come and go as he wants and does not have to tell you anything. However, that works two ways. You are free to come and go as you please.

It is time for you to live your own life. Get a place of your own. Do things that help you build up your self-confidence. Give yourself permission to let him and his games go. Someday, when you are ready there will someone who really does want to be with you and only you. Someone who will love you as much as you love them. Right now, he isn't that person.

End the confusion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

This isn't a relationship unless you have agreed to an open arrangement which it doesn't sound like it. It isn't love, either.

You need a place of your own. You need to let him go and move forward with your life. Stop letting yourself believe you are anything more than a hot body when he wants a release and companionship when he doesn't want to be alone.

He wants to be free. Let him have his freedom. Enjoy your own. Learn how to live for yourself instead of holding on the fantasies he spins.

As for the other women, sorry, but you have no right to know who he is with and what they are doing. All you have a right to know is if he is disease free. He can come and go as he wants and does not have to tell you anything. However, that works two ways. You are free to come and go as you please.

It is time for you to live your own life. Get a place of your own. Do things that help you build up your self-confidence. Give yourself permission to let him and his games go. Someday, when you are ready there will someone who really does want to be with you and only you. Someone who will love you as much as you love them. Right now, he isn't that person.

End the confusion.

Thanks for the advice. It is just so hard to give up on someone. I am 24 and have a pretty good idea of what I want in life. I never knew that soul mates could be so one sided. I didn't think that's how it was suppose to be. In the past relationships I have had my longest of 6 years it didn't bother me to end the relationship so profoundly. I just feel that whatever we have cannot be replaced. Maybe I don't honestly know what love is because this doesn't feel like it. I just assumed he wanted to be with other women because he was less experienced when it came to dating and so forth. But you put a lot into perspective. Thank you

You say you broke up a year ago. Yet you are trying to hold on to him. You are broken up. You are ROOM MATES. Get out and get your own life, quit questioning him about his.

I would except this is MY apartment he chooses to stay here. He can leave at any time he has the money to go but he doesn't go!

Wow! He's got it ALL!! The milk AND the cow! And why are you allowing this?

Eviction notice time or stricter room mate only rules

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Wow! He's got it ALL!!! The milk AND the cow! And why are you allowing this?

I really thought it was just a phase and that if he didn't want to be here he wouldn't be. I just play it off as he is young and doesn't know what he wants but still loves me :/

You're friends with benefits. He doesn't want a relationship because he wants to date other women, and yet he's using you for sex, and a place to live. You're allowing him to do this.

He's making you an option in his life. Why are you allowing that?

Bottom line, you agreed to let him stay after the two of you broke up. You agreed to continue having sex with him even though he doesn't want to make a commitment to you.

You may be in love, but he isn't. You don't treat someone you love the way he's treating you. You're just a very convenient booty call that happens to allow him to stay with her, while he continues to see other girls, and I've very sure, has sex with other girls. If that's love, why bother with it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by murphyca08

I really thought it was just a phase and that if he didn't want to be here he wouldn't be. I just play it off as he is young and doesn't know what he wants but still loves me :/

Of course that's what you tell yourself. You're lying to yourself because you want to believe he'll change. That's what you have to tell yourself in order to allow him to treat you in a way you know isn't right.

How long are you going to continue lying to yourself. How long are you willing to put out for someone that doesn't love you enough to commit to you?

You're there for sex, and a roof over his head. That's all.

I don't know what planet you think you are on, but you allow his BS, and should have kicked him out when he dumped you. It's not to late TODAY.