So, my boyfriend & I have been dating for only 9months now. We live together & everything, but we're having an issue. Before we started dating, I had saved messages of other guys for blackmail. & I 150% agree that it was wrong of me to not delete them the 1st time he asked me to. So when I deleted them, I thought I got rid of them all! That same night I thought I deleted them, I honestly forgot to check my sent mail & delete it from there. Idk why I forgot & I REALLY wish I hadn't!! So 9months later, he looked through my email & saw it. Now he's really upset with me & doesn't even want to look at me! I told him that it was an honest mistake & I swore on everything I love that I didn't know it was still there & that I thought I had deleted it all & he doesn't believe me. I don't know what else to do because I feel as though that if I apologize, he'll think I left it there on purpose. I did apologize for not deleting them as soon as he told me to & I also apologized for not thinking that night to check in my sent mail to make sure they weren't there, but still he doesn't believe me. He wants me to "chill" & let him try to forget, but I can't cause I'm afraid to lose him!! I don't know what to do because I love this man soooooo MUCH & I would NEVER cheat on him cause I know he's the one!! What should I do?? Someone PLEASE help me!! :... (

I could say a lot of things about this whole situation but all I have to say for now is looking at it from his perspective how should he feel about a girl that is capable of blackmailing several guys?

There's a reason behind the blackmail part. That doesn't mean I will black mail him!

It breaks trust and you can justify it all you want -doesn't make it right. It shows a lot about your character even if you would never do it to him

Boy meets girl.
Girl meets boy.
Boy and girl rush things and move in together.
Boy and girl have problems.

First off all the people I've dated there isn't one I would move in with in the timeframe you typed. You can't possibly know each other after only 9 months. The only things you two know about each other are what you allow the other person to see during the honeymoon phase. So not expecting that there would be issues is an unrealistic expectation. My current partner moved into my place after dating 2.5 years. At that point I knew my partner very well and vise versa.

Why is the email such a big deal? If he can't get over it tell him to take a hike. You haven't known him that long anyway.

There's two sides to this coin - he shouldn't be looking at your emails to see what you deleted or not. And he should believe you when you say you forgot the sent ones.

So I see two equally immature people - one who even considers blackmailing old boyfriends and the other who snoops and makes demands and doesn't believe his partner.

If you and he can't sit down and discuss what trust means on both sides, then you might as well break up and wait until you are older and wiser to be with anyone.

You saved messages from other guys- meaning more than one guy, and more than one message- for blackmail.

Why on earth would you do that?

I'm not so sure you didn't delete them all- for future purposes maybe?

But, you did tell him (or did he discover) about the emails, and with the condition you removed them, things progressed. Or so he thought, until he found that they were not all deleted.

Was he informed as to the nature of the email? And if they were so important to keep, why were they so easy to get rid of.

I'm just not sure there isn't more to the story that you can explain.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

You saved messages from other guys- meaning more than one guy, and more than one message- for blackmail.

Why on earth would you do that?

I'm not so sure you didn't delete them all- for future purposes maybe?

But, you did tell him (or did he discover) about the emails, and with the condition you removed them, things progressed. Or so he thought, until he found that they were not all deleted.

Was he informed as to the nature of the email? And if they were so important to keep, why were they so easy to get rid of.

I'm just not sure there isn't more to the story that you can explain.

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It's the type of blackmail that "ohhh, she came on to me first!" Type thing. Yes, I agree it was immature of me to keep them, but it was something from my past that I thought I had deleted. I'm not perfect, people make mistakes. & I didn't ask for anyone's advice of us moving in or moving too fast! I ask for advice on the situation. I know I screwd up, I get that! I just want advice on what I should do to fix it, that's all!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ay_jadore

It's the type of blackmail that "ohhh, she came on to me first!" Type thing. Yes, I agree it was immature of me to keep them, but it was something from my past that I thought I had deleted. I'm not perfect, ppl make mistakes. & I didn't ask for anyone's advice of us moving in or moving too fast! I ask for advice on the situation. I know I screwd up, I get that! I just want advice on what I should do to fix it, that's all!

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Well you may not have asked for it but when you put something out there you don't get to determine what answers come back. That's a given. And the fact that you two didn't know each other plays right into this mess. How could you both have known that you both were very immature? The way you fix things is getting to know a person before committing to an exclusive relationship and by growing up.

To be honest if a person I was dating showed the level of immaturity and meanness as to want to blackmail an ex, I would dump her without thinking twice about it.

I gave you advice - sit down and talk about trust on both sides. But it whooshed right over your head. I don't know what more can be said. I think we are all saying it's a childish relationship.

The relationship is a 'whole', and when there is a problem, it is a result of something. It is impossible to just take the bits out that you want a direct answer to, and leave the rest.

To answer your question simply, what can you do to turn this blackmail mess around and save/help the relationship, is to just let it go. What's done is done, you've made your apologies, and swear that that kind of behavior is uncharacteristic of you.

What else can you do. You will have to cope with his perceptions of all of it, just as you would have to accept his perceptions of the relationship, and the future. And contemplating the relationship and where it's going, could happen at any time, with or without the blackmail issue.

And that is because the relationship is new.

Give him time, answer any questions he might have, but realize you cannot change the past, and if he is as determined as you are to get past this, he'll do it in his own time.