Me and my boyfriend for 10yrs (I'm 25 and he's 26) have been arguing lately. He told me he's lost the flame and he doesn't feel the same anymore. He also told me that our relationship is boring and predictable and that there is no spark and substance. And it feels like we are at a standstill. We have recently had a baby he is only 8 months. We were perfectly fine just three months or so ago. He talked about marriage, getting a house, and everything. What happened all of a sudden. He also lost his job and is working at a low paying job and I got laid off.

Well right off the bat it sounds like there are some underlying problems here; you both have job issues and may I assume money issues? When money is tight this can cause friction in a relationship, it can cause either or both parties to be fraught and stressed, and then you take this out on one another. You also have a new baby, and that can take its toll. He can’t blame hormones like you can, but again it will cause stress, which in turn will cause you two to snap at one another, hence causing rows.

But whatever the reason I think that human nature is very simple. Simply, most people are interested in a person more if that person is less interested in them. I’ve seen this, I’ve had this, I know this.

So if you want to get your boyfriend to start wanting you again, just ignore him. Don’t make it obvious what you’re doing. But act like you don’t mind he is drifting away, like you might feel the same, like you aren’t that into him either, basically ce la ve

Stage one: Make 100% effort in your appearance, this doesn’t mean slapping on the makeup with a trowel! This means ensuring you look your best every day, go out and buy yourself some nice new underwear and pyjamas to wear around the house, so you look glamorous even when you are cleaning or picking up after the baby. Use mascara and perhaps foundation every day, just apply minimal makeup to make sure you glow and look healthy and happy. You don’t want him to immediately think “man she’s desperate, slapping on makeup thinking that will make me want her again”

Stage 2: Still be nice to him, still let him know you love him, but just become more willing to spend time with yourself and your friends; chat to some friends on the phone, write to friends overseas, invite friends over, and go out with friends. Show him that you have a life outside of him and you are enjoying it with or without him.

What you want to put across basically is that yes you love him and you want to be with him, but if he left you, you would be okay.

This will cause him to either vie for your attention again – but don’t give in too easily, make him work for you like he did when you first met. You want to make him want to impress you and woo you once more. OR see it as a green light to break up with you.

Either way, if you are with the wrong person i.e. someone who just doesn’t love you, it’s best they leave you sooner rather than later so you are free to meet the right person.

Love isn't a feeling it is commitment and working through things together. If he wants spark try having an adventure day where you just go for a day or an evening and do something different?

Is it weird that he all of a sudden acts like this when we have a baby?

Like I said, the baby (or just as likely the money issues) could be the very issue. Maybe he feels weird about the whole thing, I know your child is eight months now, so that is a while to get used to things, but still maybe he is handling it weirdly. Maybe he feels trapped?

Has your appearance changed at all? Has your belly or your boobs gone saggy? This would be very superficial, but could it be he doesn't find you physically attractive anymore?

Also, how is he with the baby? Is he maybe putting all his attention on the baby and thus taking it away from you?

I will admit I am all about the baby these days, it's my first child and its all new to me. My appearance is okay still have a little weight to lose but I still glam up. We do not stay together but we stay seven minutes away. At first he was great. I had a c section and he took care of me and the baby. We were excited but tired. The shortly he lost his good paying job and went to a low paying job and then I got laid off. He comes over to see the baby but I don't feel he has a clue of how hard it is to have a baby 24/7. He's distant now, and drinking, and very agitated. And saying he's unhappy and doesn't know what he wants.

I can appreciate that totally, perhaps he feels like you've left HIM out?

You aren't living together, wow so maybe then he has decided this is all too much for him, and he is trying to distance himself. To be honest with you, I had another friend who's partner said that "he doesn't know what he wants and isn't happy" - what happened there was he left her and came back in the end after she explained to him that he was just in a relationship where maybe there isn't a spark, but it's a different type of relationship where everything is less exciting.

I've been guilty of this myself in the past, but people can miss the spark that happened during the "honeymoon period" so much they reason that it means they don't love the person anymore. Of course this can be true, but I've seen it turn around, like with my friend. He is back now and they are having a baby.

Whereas the spark inevitably does fade or go completely (or it seems so), you have a baby now which you are excited about, perhaps he doesn't share your excitement because he isn't there all the time. Perhaps he feels like he misses his youth, and is having a hard time with this new responsibility.

Sit down and talk to him. Get everything out in the open. There seems to be a lot of stress and worry. Between living arrangements, the job situation and a very young child it is no wonder there are issues popping up. However, he seems to be running away instead of dealing with it.

It isn't uncommon for people to try to distance themselves from responsibilities and people they care about when things aren't going the way they think they should. He is probably going through a period of feeling down about not being the lover, provider, and father that he wants to be. If he feels like the future isn't working out the way he planned, it may feel like everything is stagnating and the love is fading. There isn't much you can do other than let him know you love him and encourage him to work with you.

You might give this some thought: The child is old enough to spend a couple of days with Daddy. He needs to have more responsibility of the hands-on daily care of the child. You need a chance to have a break.

Thanks so much this is great advice. We both still stay with our parents because of finances. We are trying to get on our feet. We both have two great job interviews coming up. Baby has gotten older. It's just that 10 yrs and a baby and you all of a sudden want to bag out on me. What is that? Just four months ago we talked marriage and now he says I'm pushing him. Of course I want my family to be together under one roof who doesn't.. It's time for both of us to grow up!

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He also lost his job and is working at a low paying job and I got laid off.

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Don't panic this is but an obstacle to overcome, a storm to weather, and there will be many more to face as you keep building for the future. Time and understanding goes further than personal tribulations. Not the time to push, but to support.

Good luck with your interviews. A good job changes a man's attitude about everything, just as a bad one pisses him off because he cannot do everything he wants to, or knows he should. Tuck that away for future reference.

My boyfriend has recently told me our flame and spark has went away. He suddenly says he doesn't feel the same. We just had a baby 6 months ago. About 3 months ago we were talking about marriage and house looking. We have been together for almost ten yrs. He tells me our relatioship lacks excitement, substance, inspiration, and fire. Where did that come from I don't understand this?



This thread merged with the other one about the same subject

He can feel that way even if he hasn't found someone else. Love isn't a feeling it is a commitment. If he wants spark why isn't he trying to make it happen?

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

He can feel that way even if he hasn't found someone else. Love isn't a feeling it is a commitment. If he wants spark why isn't he trying to make it happen?

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Why do you think love is a commitment and not a feeling?

Because the longer people are together the more they are comfortable with each other and the feelings aren't what they were when they had that spark. Emotions change over time but if we are committed to each other we don't let that love fade due to our feelings.

Love Is Not A Feeling | Advice for Moms - Power of Moms

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

because the longer people are together the more they are comfortable with each other and the feelings aren't what they were when they had that spark. Emotions change over time but if we are committed to each other we don't let that love fade due to our feelings.

Love Is Not A Feeling | Advice for Moms - Power of Moms

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I loooved that link. But men are so much different than us women. It seems like when things get hard in our relationship he gets so distant. If he wants spark you would think he would do stuff to get it. That's why I think it's something going on.

Watch for red flags. Usually you will see them if they don't think you suspect anything. Don't be looking for things that aren't there. Don't be accusing.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

watch for red flags. Usually you will see them if they don't think you suspect anything. Don't be looking for things that aren't there. Don't be accusing.

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Maybe I'm being a little too emotional but hearing that "he doesn't know what he wants" after 10 yrs, a baby, etc I'm like what the heck grow up!!

Exactly. I don't know why guys get like this but many do.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

exactly. I don't know why guys get like this but many do.

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Thanks for all your help.. It was really good advice.. I'm going to share the link with a few of my friends.