Ask Me Help Desk - I am losing my mind because of a married man

Hello,

I met this married older man at my work one year ago ( he is around 50 and I am 28). It all started by him showing up 2 or 3 times at my department- having different excuses to come-, we started having small talks, I didn't even notice anything special in his behaviour, except his visits, until the Christmas when he came with some chocolates for me and my colleagues but I've got a separate bag with some small gifts.

Anyway the time has passed and for 8 months now he keeps coming everyday and asking me questions about my day, he never mentioned his wife (he wears his wedding ring).I became attached to him, obsessed of his visits, feeling guilty all this time for cultivating him. I've never had the nerves to ask why is he coming around so often... He never mentioned anything like he would like me or that he comes to see me when he pops in, so he is just playing with my mind.. I just don't understand why is he doing all this, why is he obsessed to see me everyday when there's no chance of having a relationship or even dating.

This has really disturbed my peace of mind, there are so many conflicts going on inside me regarding this situation: I like his presence but it brings so much frustration since I can't really say anything to him, I feel guilty for wanting to see him, in the same time I hate that I became manipulated by him, I don't want to be rude with him but I feel like the only best thing is to ignore him... I am confused. This guy managed to make me addicted to him although I am so aware this is so wrong and weird.. It's so stupid the game he plays..

My question is how can a married man follow a girl for months every single day?what is this? I am at my limit and I wish I would ask him for once what exactly he wants from me?

Him being your customer you wanted to make a good impression and make the customer happy. He is taking it a step or so too far. You may have to tell him that while you appreciate him you feel the need to keep things professional.
You like the positive energy that he has and that is only natural. He has never told you he is married and if asked he could give you a story. So, so far you are ahead of the game whatever it is since you are onto him and keeping yourself from falling for his charm to the point you take it to another level. Keep it professional and brief when he is around. Keep a level head. Don't let him sweet talk you to where you fall for anything. I don't know if kidding with him sometime by saying ''Flirting will get you nowhere'' would be a good idea or not.

---how can a married man follow a girl for months every single day?---
Some guys just like giving attention. I have heard men say they give girls attention to make them feel good about themselves. It sounds egotistical to me but that's the way some men think! Some guys are just plain old womenizers where they like to think all the women are after them. Many are harmless.

A wedding ring does not necessarily mean that the man is married. Many widowed men wear their rings just as a reminder because they are holding on still. Take that assumption away and instead ask him if he is, in fact, married. If he isn't, he is not playing a game with you and is actually very interested. If he is married, then you have a right to wonder what he is doing. At that point, you should confront him with your feelings. Tell him that he has lead you on for months making you believe there was a chance. Ask him what he wants from you. These are all valid questions for a man who seems to be courting you - wife or not.

Good point that some older men wear their ring as a reminder, but I would worry that he is handing me a line about being separated or widowed or planning a divorce. Unless she is actually interested in going out with this guy if it is proven for sure he is not in a relationship I would back off so as not to lead him on or get involved in something over my head. So to me, unless she actually would want to go out I think she should be up front if he tries to go for more.

Why haven't you stopped it during the past 8 months?

It is more likely than not that the wedding ring means he is married. If you are unsure- ask him about his wife and family.

Tell him straight up that you have enjoyed his visits, but you are becoming a little uncomfortable as time goes on.

If, on the other hand, he says he is NOT married, and just hasn't worked up the nerve to ask you out on a date- well, that changes everything.

If he is married however, leave him alone.

Some people will say to find out if someone's married or not, ''Your wife is one lucky lady''.
Then catch their facial expression and body language as well as their reply.

Is it possible that he's just a nice older man, and that you're imagining things?

I agree with Jake, ask him about his wife. If he is married, tell him that you're feeling uncomfortable, that you're not sure what he wants from you. If he isn't married, tell him you're a bit obsessed about him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

Is it possible that he's just a nice older man, and that you're imagining things?

I agree with Jake, ask him about his wife. If he is married, tell him that you're feeling uncomfortable, that you're not sure what he wants from you. If he isn't married, tell him you're a bit obsessed about him.

That's what I thought at the beginning, that he is just nice and this is all in my imagination. This is the reason I didn't say anything.. but during this long time I started to believe this is more than being nice if he comes to see me 2 times per day...

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Him being your customer you wanted to make a good impression and make the customer happy. He is taking it a step or so too far. You may have to tell him that while you appreciate him you feel the need to keep things professional.
You like the positive energy that he has and that is only natural. He has never told you he is married and if asked he could give you a story. So, so far you are ahead of the game whatever it is since you are onto him and keeping yourself from falling for his charm to the point you take it to another level. Keep it professional and brief when he is around. Keep a level head. Don't let him sweet talk you to where you fall for anything. I don't know if kidding with him sometime by saying ''Flirting will get you nowhere'' would be a good idea or not.

---how can a married man follow a girl for months every single day?---
Some guys just like giving attention. I have heard men say they give girls attention to make them feel good about them selves. It sounds egotistical to me but that's the way some men think! Some guys are just plain old womenizers where they like to think all the women are after them. Many are harmless.

It was exactly how you said.. you've got it so right.. I was doing my job when someone took it personal and got a bit far.. I had to choose being rude to the customer I cared for or just pretending nothing happens and waited to see if I am maybe wrong.. but it became hard to stay detached and not feel frustrated.. I am human and have some feelings too.. I hate ambiguity and I hate the feeling of being somehow under his control.. it's a bit frustrating but I guess things will have to become clear at some point.. I am already a bit in a pain.. I didn't want to assume that he is interested just because of being friendly and showing some attention but with the time things got a bit too far... also I didn't want to embarrassed myself by telling him how he makes me feel since I am not sure if he would ever admit what he wanted..

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Why haven't you stopped it during the past 8 months?

It is more likely than not that the wedding ring means he is married. If you are unsure- ask him about his wife and family.

Tell him straight up that you have enjoyed his visits, but you are becoming a little uncomfortable as time goes on.

If, on the other hand, he says he is NOT married, and just hasn't worked up the nerve to ask you out on a date- well, that changes everything.

If he is married however, leave him alone.

As I mentioned before I didn't stop it since I just had to wait and observe what is going on. With the time I've got to the conclusion this is not just a friendly behaviour since he is not the same with other colleagues of mine.

Also judging by his attitude I was sure he would say something eventually and we would have been able to clear things up. Instead, he keeps things at this level for the moment. Since he never said anything I've got to this point where I am confused what he really wants and why is he doing all this if he doesn't want anything or if he is married.. investing so much for nothing and also getting me involved into something hopeless.

Until something more happens keep your professional face on and say nothing. Why even speculate about a customer who shops a lot? Maybe he is a nice older guy with nothing better to do than flirt with female workers he encounters. You might be one of many on his way back and forth.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Until something more happens keep your professional face on and say nothing. Why even speculate about a customer who shops a lot? Maybe he is a nice older guy with nothing better to do than flirt with female workers he encounters. You might be one of many on his way back and forth.

Very good point He could also be lonely, and since the OP is nice to him, he enjoys seeing her, talking to her. I've had a few customers like that, men and women alike, they come to the store because they enjoy the human interaction, something they don't have a lot of in their lives.

Years ago, an older gentleman started showing up at the library where I worked. He dropped in every morning right after we opened, chatted with me, checked out a Louis L'Amour book, apparently walked home, then showed up in the afternoon to return that book and check out a different L'Amour title (and chat some more). Weeks later, after he had run through all the L'Amour books, he started checking out and returning Zane Grey books.

We knew he didn't have time to read these books before he returned them, so we tried to figure out what was going on. He flirted with me and with some of the other female staff, and one in particular fussed over him by wiping his smudgy glasses and smoothing his usually messy hair. Occasionally, he brought us chocolates or other treats.

We finally found out that he lived nearby and was very lonely. His wife had passed away, and his son had found him a small apartment away from friends and any family. He had become depressed and rarely saw his son or heard from him. The library was his only social life. It was at the library where he felt accepted and that someone cared if he lived or died.

Maybe your visitor has a similar story.

Time to draw the line. "Dave, I think your visits have become personal, not business related. Given that you appear to be a married man, I'm not comfortable with the situation. I hope you won't be offended but I have to ask you to only come by if I can be of help related to my work here".

My family own a business and have long held the view that about once a year, they need to fire a customer. Some people's business is not worth having... if they aren't ethical, don't hold up their end of the deal, are too time consuming for what they spend or are just hard to deZl with, you set firm boundaries and they disappear. For example, the slow-payer has to pay in full up front. The inappropriate guy is put back into business context every time he tries to blur the line.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Years ago, an older gentleman started showing up at the library where I worked. He dropped in every morning right after we opened, chatted with me, checked out a Louis L'Amour book, apparently walked home, then showed up in the afternoon to return that book and check out a different L'Amour title (and chat some more). Weeks later, after he had run through all the L'Amour books, he started checking out and returning Zane Grey books.

We knew he didn't have time to read these books before he returned them, so we tried to figure out what was going on. He flirted with me and with some of the other female staff, and one in particular fussed over him by wiping his smudgy glasses and smoothing his usually messy hair. Occasionally, he brought us chocolates or other treats.

We finally found out that he lived nearby and was very lonely. His wife had passed away, and his son had found him a small apartment away from friends and any family. He had become depressed and rarely saw his son or heard from him. The library was his only social life. It was at the library where he felt accepted and that someone cared if he lived or died.

Maybe your visitor has a similar story.

Thank you for your answer, sharing your experience. Yeah, your story is very touching.. I feel sorry there can be such unhappy and lonely people.. but I doubt this is the case here.. he works with his old friend, he mentioned once going to play golf with some other friend, he's going on holiday and so on..

Quote:

Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

Time to draw the line. "Dave, I think your visits have become personal, not business related. Given that you appear to be a married man, I'm not comfortable with the situation. I hope you won't be offended but I have to ask you to only come by if I can be of help related to my work here".

My family own a business and have long held the view that about once a year, they need to fire a customer. Some people's business is not worth having...if they aren't ethical, don't hold up their end of the deal, are too time consuming for what they spend or are just hard to deZl with, you set firm boundaries and they disappear. For example, the slow-payer has to pay in full up front. The inappropriate guy is put back into business context every time he tries to blur the line.

So true.. I also came to the conclusion that I made big efforts to make him happy as a customer but in the end it's getting to complicated. Today I directed him to another colleague so we couldn't say hello and he didn't show up again as he would do.. Probably he considered me being rude but I guess I need to stop this guessing game and start thinking of him as being just a normal customer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Until something more happens keep your professional face on and say nothing. Why even speculate about a customer who shops a lot? Maybe he is a nice older guy with nothing better to do than flirt with female workers he encounters. You might be one of many on his way back and forth.

I agree it doesn't make a point to speculate over a customer who buys a lot, I have people who come a lot... that's why I didn't do anything and I just waited and kind of look what he is doing, how he behaves over time. There were times when he would be on his way home and pop in without buying just to ask me how come I am working such long hours, he would only chat with me and also he would pass our store and check if I am in, when I am off he doesn't come in- some colleagues know about him so they told me. Also he doesn't really flirt.

He may be a nice man, he may be lonely but if this makes you uncomfortable you need to stop acting like a flattered teen and ask him to stop.
I had a similar situation with an older man years ago, he became more bold and I told him to get lost.