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I've been with my partner a year, the sex has always been far and few times which I put down to the fact that most times he can't maintain an erection, he says that me nagging for sex puts him off sleeping with me and that he does want it but I'm always on his back yet recently he has been masturbating to porn every time I'm not around. I've tried to talk to him but he just gets angry and we end up arguing, I don't know what to do.
How old are you both?
He's been looking at porn and masturbating long before be met you, and well that's probably not the issue. He's probably got a low libido and why he has that is probably the main problem here. He's got an issue and you "nagging", or just wanting and initiating, is probably reminding him that he's got a issue and isn't sure how to deal with it. Porn isn't it, but I will get back to that in a moment, I have a few questions about him: How is his life right now? Stress/exhaustion? General health? Substance/tobacco/alcohol use? How is your lives together outside the bed room? Affectionate?
About masturbation and porn. Masturbation for men is honestly just clearing the pipes or scratching an itch. It isn't a sign that we're unsatisfied or that there's something that we're missing, but that we just want to rub one off. It is a private time where we can just concentrate on ourselves without worrying about having to worry about someone else. We don't need to worry about whether she's turned on, or if we "not so fresh" down there, or if the straps are tight enough, or anything like that. It is a moment where we can concentrate on ourselves.
Porn is the seed of fantasy that gets things going. Nothing more. What we look at it just the whim of the moment and because we can find anything and everything we want to online. It is just that little bit to get our engines turning so we can finish the job. It has nothing to do with what we desire and look for in a woman. Trust me, about 10% of my porn collection looks similar to what my wife does. Doesn't mean I want the Thai Hermaphrodite to peg me. Really.
Why is this you might ask, because men's arousal cycle is completely different then women's. Men are visual creatures. We might be in a restaurant and the waitress bends over the wrong way giving you a peak and BAM! His pants are two sizes too small. Doesn't mean that he wants to have a beef dip for lunch. Just means that his male brain saw something it liked and the appropriate action was taken.
The female arousal cycle is more of a emotional response then the sensory of your man. Now when you sit down in a bath with a harlequin romance novel you'll get aroused by the emotional situations in there. It's how they're written, essentially porn for women. It is the same with Romantic Comedies or other smut aimed at women. It is specifically made to trigger your arousal cycle.
What I am trying to say here is that porn isn't the problem. It is his libido or his Erectile Dysfunction. The porn isn't the issue. If we can address the aforementioned problems, then things could get better.
How are things outside the bedroom? He already had a low libido when you got together so why do you expect things to be different now?
Some days, I love how simply and quickly you cut to the chase. :-) If I could I would greeny that answer.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
We are both 36, outside the bedroom thinks are generally OK at least until I try to speak to him about it then he goes off in a rage! We argued again last night and this morning he said he doesn't plan all day to go home and masturbate it's a spur of the moment thing like sex should be! I tried to explain I felt unattractive and he said its nothing to do with that, however he is doing it nearly every day
Also I recently found out he uses to smoke cannabis and he says since he stopped he has lost his sex drive
His health is OK but he is quite highly strung and can be short tempered, I'm happy to try not asking for sex but seriously worry we will never have it as he won't initiate it! I recently found out he smoked cannabis before he met me which would account for his short temper and when I said that ED may have something to do with that he said he had lost his libido since he stopped smoking it, if this is the case I don't understand how he masturbates so much! I told him I feel unattractive and he says its not me and I'm not physically but the nagging is making the thought of sex unattractive
Put it this way... how excited would you get if a man was demanding you drop your panties and spread your legs... without any forplay... oryou just wasn't in the mood at the moment?
I'm guessing that like most women... it wouldn't be very effective. 16 year old might be happy with someone snapping their fingers and saying lets go... but most guys older than that actually want something a bit more enticing than that. And pushy is a put-off to a lot of guys... (though some may actually like it from time to time)
I don't demand sex there and then I suggest an early night which he knows to mean I want sex, I don't want it without foreplay eitherQuote:
Originally Posted by smoothy
He's lying to you about the pot... it's well documented pot use actually reduces libido... not increases it... and he's probibly lying about more than just that too.
Its also BS he's claiming stopping pot is the reason for his bad attitude.
Glad you clarified that second part... because HOW you say something is usually more important than WHAT you actually say.
After only a year... you might seriously want to reevaluate this relationship.
There is no foreplay in masturbation, just 10 minutes of privacy and no arguing later. Don't you masturbate too?
Yesi do but not as often as him and the point is I want to have sex too he doesn'tQuote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
LOL, maybe you have reached the point of rethinking this whole relationship, as smoothy suggested, now that the honeymoon is over and the work begins to get on the same page and resolve your issues to the benefit of you both.
Its pretty normal to get tired of the things that you seem to accept in the beginning, like the differences in libido, and be downright annoyed, but back up and see the root cause of this conflict is a lack of being able to talk and listen about the subject of sex.
Have you talked of children? Getting married? Many men have a deep seated fear of getting a female pregnant, and are not ready for kids. Those unexpected unplanned life changing events are a big libido killer. Especially if he has a reason not to trust birth control methods in any for or fashion.
I am sure you use some form of BC don't you? He is 36, does he have kids already? Do you?
The point is it isn't his masturbation that is lowering his libido. It isn't porn. Drop that. Don't even bring it up in conversation with him. You don't rub one off because you aren't getting or want any, you rub one off because you want to. It is scratching an itch. It isn't a sign that he's dissatisfied with your body, is disgusted by your wobbly bits, or just doesn't like the way you look any more. It is more of a "We like look at t!tties" kind of thing.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lippy77
The problem here is his libido. For one he's still using. He's going to tell you otherwise, but he's still hitting the bong. That is a libido killer. He's high strung. Usually meaning he's stressed. That stress can be either coming from work, IE assh0le boss or job insecurity, or from home life, IE money issues, life issues, spouse issues. If you're concerned whether you're going to be able to put food on the table, it becomes hard to perform or even think about sex.
You're also putting incredible amounts of pressure on him to perform, which is making it harder for him but in the way you want. Think about a handful of sand. The harder to grasp it the more it pours out of your hand.
Right now you have to work on some of your issues. You've got your self-image and self-esteem tied to the impression you get of what someone else thinks of you. You don't think you're beautiful because you think you're beautiful but because you think that other people find you beautiful. The problem is if you start to think that OTHER people don't find you attractive, then you're esteem and image go down the hole. You can see this now. If you found yourself beautiful because you are beautiful, then what someone else thought, even if it was your boyfriend, would have much less of an effect on you. Think about that.
Also, the frustration you're feeling with this entire situation is probably what is causing the tension in the conversations you've been having. If you're going to talk to him, you need to keep any accusations or accusatory language out of it.
Good Luck
Yes I use BC and we have spoke about children and he said he wants a baby but not until at least next year when we can afford one, I have a 8yr old boy who I have shared custody of and he has a 13 yr old but he has not seen her since she was born, I know he is nervous because of what happened with his child i.e. the mother upped and left and didn't tell him where she and the child were going!Quote:
Its pretty normal to get tired of the things that you seem to accept in the beginning, like the differences in libido, and be downright annoyed, but back up and see the root cause of this conflict is a lack of being able to talk and listen about the subject of sex.
Have you talked of children? Getting married? Many men have a deep seated fear of getting a female pregnant, and are not ready for kids. Those unexpected unplanned life changing events are a big libido killer. Especially if he has a reason not to trust birth control methods in any for or fashion.
I am sure you use some form of BC don't you? He is 36, does he have kids already? Do you?
I have always had a high sex drive and have never come across a man who moans that his partner wants sex too often!
Like I said... time to reevalute the relationship... the first year or two is when people can't keep their hands off each other... particularly with guys...
Do you think he's going to defy convention and do the opposite? I don't... if he's like this now... then its only going to get worse.
People can maintain their excitement with their partner for decades... though its never what it was the first year or two...
And its not universally true unless both people are really compatible and they both care about keeping it from becoming routine (a libido killer) and monotomous... or boring.
Fear is a libido killer, especially after being bitten once already. If you read similar questions on this forum, you will see the pattern of distraction when people make these conflicts about just their feelings.
More often than not the lack of sex is but a symptom of a greater issue that needs to be addressed in other areas of the relationship. When you make it about you, you miss all the signs about the root causes of your problems. Most evident is how your communications yields no resolutions and relationships cannot survive without it.
Think on it.
If he has stopped smoking though would his libido not return? He says its not me physically that is unattractive it's my trying to book in sex like a chore that isQuote:
Originally Posted by CravenMorhead
He's making excuses... and he's really unlikely to change the way he is.
He's right in that it's not you, at least physically.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lippy77
He's not going to stop smoking. He doesn't want to. Giving up a habit has to be something that you want to and are driven to do. That is unlikely to happen if you ask him too. He doesn't want to quit. You want him to quit. It isn't going to happen.
It might get better. It might stay the same.
I think he's giving you the real dope though. You're pressuring him into sex. It isn't as it was, it is a chore. The old lady needs a screwing. Let me go get my gloves. Take sex off the table. Don't signal you wanted your fields ploughed by going to bed early. Just go to bed early. Let him get it going.
If you get horny. Masturbate.
If he masturbates everyday he does not have a low libido!
How often do you have sex?
You said in your original post that he loses his erection when you have sex. Has it always been that way since the beginning? Or only until you started arguing about this?
If he loses his erection frequently he could be turning to masturbation because maybe he's embarrassed about it.
He should go to the doctor if he loses his erections frequently. That could be because of blood pressure problems, diabetes, enlarged prostate, etc.
Well we have it about once every three weeks! Unless he caves in to my early night suggestions! My ex partner was a heavy dope smoker and we used to have sex every day not a problem so I guess it affects people in different ways!Quote:
Originally Posted by greentree30
I've asked him to go Drs but think he is too embarrassed as he just laughs it off
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