I had been going out with my boyfriend for over a year and was and am sure I love him and want to be with him the rest of my life. We had been having a few fights but always sorted them out. He can be a bit mean after drink. He used to call me different girls names and swear he didn't know where it came from. I trusted him and believed him. After one particular fight because I had an ex boyfreind in the house he left an awful message on my phone breaking up with me. My ex who is married called out to the house and kept trying to kiss me. I was drunk and eventually kissed him back and things were leading a bit further until my boyfriends friend walked in. I then lied to my boyfriend because I was scared of losing him and kept lying to him. I have now told him the truth and he doesn't know what to believe which I can't blame him. I made a huge mistake and would do anything to get his trust back and a second chance but I don't know what to do. I love him so much and just want to be with him. Is there anyone who can help??

Please help

I think you need to step back a bit and re-evaluate your own emotional readiness to be in a long lasting relationship. To be perfectly honest, this guy you are with - he is not the one. He drinks, he fights with you, he calls you names, and then gives the classic excuse he does not know what came over him. So he is in denial of his own doings and responsibilities. To be a bit more honest, you are not ready to be in any long term relationship right now. You cheated on your boyfriend, then lied. I give you credit for coming clean with your actions. But you need to figure out why you did what you did. Was it to get back at your boyfriend? If that is so, that is not mature behavior.

You ask what you can do to gain this guy's trust back? Why do you want his trust back? You did not like being lied to, being in fights, being called names... so why go back into that slime pit? When you accept that kind of behavior, you are saying that you do not respect yourself. You do not expect to be treated with any decency, so it is okay for a guy to treat you so crappy. That is what you are saying, evenif you do not come out and say it with words.

A good book for you to read is called, "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore" by Steven Stosny, PhD. Another self care book that would be good for you to read is, "Entering The Castle" by Caroline Myss. Both authors speak well to the development of the strong inner self.

You deserve better in life, but you need to believe that. You need to start acting like you believe that and deserve that. Good luck to you.

You both make bad decisions when drinking. Leave each other alone until you get more mature than your acting now, and grow up enough to be able to handle your own issues which run deep. Sorry the train has already wrecked and will never get back on track.

The only one who can really help is you. From what you have said, neither you or your boyfriend are mature enough for a lasting relationship built on love and respect. He gets nasty when he drinks... he calls you other girl's names... you are with a married ex-boyfriend and drunk... you not only allowed your married ex to kiss you, but you kissed him back and things were going a bit further... you lied to the man you claim to love. Let me tell you this, hun... people who are in love in a forever kind of way just don't do these things.

Regardless, I'm sure you believe that this is a forever love, so believe me in this - regaining trust takes time. All you can do is love deeply, act more mature and show that you are trustworthy. Every single time you break that trust it will set you back to the beginning of your relationship. Be trustworthy for an extended period and he may start trusting you, though. All you can do is try... or end it and take some time to grow up a bit and figure out what it is that you really want!

Good luck!

Didi