Ask Me Help Desk - Husband is interested more in my fantasies while having sex

My husband is 50. We are married for almost 20 years. Every time we are having sex he wants me to arouse him by telling him what I fantasize when he is not there. I am not always comfortable doing this.

Also he can't keep his erection till climax. I feel dissatisfied.

Does he have any medical issues and/or is he on any medications? Erectile issues can be a symptom of other issues such as heart disease or Diabetes, side-effects of medications, side-effects from the interaction between medications and/or foods.

Weight, exercise, self-medications (alcohol, etc. ) stress, etc. are also factors that can affect his ability to maintain an erection.

If he hasn't had a check-up in a while, he might want to start there. His issues may be easily treatable or part of a larger problem.

If you are uncomfortable telling him about your fantasies, be honest with him. It sounds like he needs help maintaining an erection and your 'stories' are helping him stay focused. If this is the case, talk to him about a compromise. Explore thoughts and ideas to find something that works for both of you.

As we age, sometimes we need to adapt to changes in health and ability. Part of adapting is talking to each other and being honest. He may not be able to last like he did five or ten years ago. He may need help keeping his focus. Are you willing to work with him?

Its just a way to be aroused, thrilled and turned on. Go with it and make it up if you have to. Why are you uncomfortable about it? If he is healthy enough to have sex there are meds that he can get from his doctor.

After 20 years you can't play and have fun in the bedroom? Explain please? He ain't 20 years old anymore.

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

Does he have any medical issues and/or is he on any medications? Erectile issues can be a symptom of other issues such as heart disease or Diabetes, side-effects of medications, side-effects from the interaction between medications and/or foods.

Weight, exercise, self-medications (alcohol, etc.,) stress, etc. are also factors that can affect his ability to maintain an erection.

If he hasn't had a check-up in a while, he might want to start there. His issues may be easily treatable or part of a larger problem.

If you are uncomfortable telling him about your fantasies, be honest with him. It sounds like he needs help maintaining an erection and your 'stories' are helping him stay focused. If this is the case, talk to him about a compromise. Explore thoughts and ideas to find something that works for both of you.

As we age, sometimes we need to adapt to changes in health and ability. Part of adapting is talking to each other and being honest. He may not be able to last like he did five or ten years ago. He may need help keeping his focus. Are you willing to work with him?

thanks for analysing and helping us out.will get him checked up soon

His stress levels r high n he is too engrossed in the work stress.He also is addicted to porn .coping with all these is way too difficult.. 4 me

Stress, high blood pressure can all cause problems, also as we get older, it just happens also.

But after 20 years, you should know each other, every fantisy and all desires.
Play and games should have been part of sex for 20 years,

Please type out all your words. We won't notice the extra few minutes it might take. Typing this on your cellphone/smartphone isn't an excuse. This isn't an excuse, it is in the terms and conditions of this site that you agreed upon when you created the account.

What makes you think he's addicted to porn. "Addicted" is a VERY strong word to use. It is also a buzz word that often means "More then I am comfortable with him." Porn addiction is quite rare. When I hear that, and I hear it a lot, It usually a cop out answer for a question that you're not really comfortable in asking or answering honestly.

Does he have any outlets for his stress other than porn? Any interests or hobbies, going out with his friends, etc. If not, you might discuss ways for him to relax that do not include porn. Do you have ways to reduce your own stress and relax? Do you do anything together to relax and enjoy being together as couple?

Something to think about is that some men will use porn as a means to self-medicate/treat erectile issues. He may not be addicted to the porn as much as he is using it as a crutch. The porn may be a way that he is dealing with the stress and/or fears about losing his ability to perform.

When you have sex, is foreplay restricted to the bedroom and after clothes come off? I am wondering if another part of the issue may be that you (as a couple) have allowed your sex life to take a backseat to all the other daily chores and distractions. Do you show each other affection or share intimate moments outside of the bedroom when sex isn't an option? Do you have fun joking and laughing together. Flirting with and teasing each other. Building up the anticipation of being alone together 'later'? Do you need to find ways to reconnect with each other in less serious ways?

Being together in any way (sexual or non-sexual) should not feel like a chore and I am getting a slight impression that is how you are feeling. Take a moment to think about how you are feeling about being intimate with your husband. If your needs haven't been getting met, is your attitude toward intimacy becoming negative and maybe causing you to hold back?

Rarely are issues in a relationship all one-sided. While looking at what his needs are and if changes and adaptations are needed, don't forget to examine your own and what you may need to work on.

Good luck.

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cat1864 again

Quote:

... Rarely are issues in a relationship all one-sided. While looking at what his needs are and if changes and adaptations are needed, don't forget to examine your own and what you may need to work on.

Very profound insight.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

Does he have any outlets for his stress other than porn? Any interests or hobbies, going out with his friends, etc.? If not, you might discuss ways for him to relax that do not include porn. Do you have ways to reduce your own stress and relax? Do you do anything together to relax and enjoy being together as couple?

Something to think about is that some men will use porn as a means to self-medicate/treat erectile issues. He may not be addicted to the porn as much as he is using it as a crutch. The porn may be a way that he is dealing with the stress and/or fears about losing his ability to perform.

When you have sex, is foreplay restricted to the bedroom and after clothes come off? I am wondering if another part of the issue may be that you (as a couple) have allowed your sex life to take a backseat to all the other daily chores and distractions. Do you show each other affection or share intimate moments outside of the bedroom when sex isn't an option? Do you have fun joking and laughing together. Flirting with and teasing each other. Building up the anticipation of being alone together 'later'? Do you need to find ways to reconnect with each other in less serious ways?

Being together in any way (sexual or non-sexual) should not feel like a chore and I am getting a slight impression that is how you are feeling. Take a moment to think about how you are feeling about being intimate with your husband. If your needs haven't been getting met, is your attitude toward intimacy becoming negative and maybe causing you to hold back?

Rarely are issues in a relationship all one-sided. While looking at what his needs are and if changes and adaptations are needed, don't forget to examine your own and what you may need to work on.

Good luck.

Thank u.. Every thing else is fine.. He takes good care of me otherwise..