So, to give you some background... my husband and I have been married for 28 years and have 5 kids, only 2 of which are still at home. I have been a stay at home mom for most of these years while my husband has been the bread winner. His job is in law enforcement and we have moved around the province several times because of it.
When we had been married for 9 1/2 years, with 3 kids, and he had only been in law enforcement for 3 years, he had 2 affairs, both at the same time. One was with the person I thought was my best friend. The 'best friend' worked at his office part time and was jealous when she found out he was having another affair at the same time as her, so charged him with sexual harassment. This lead to more stress than would be normal under the circumstances. My world had suddenly turned upside down and was spinning out of control. I had to hold it together for my kids though. Added to this was our being in the middle of a move to another posting. It couldn't get much worse. The charges were eventually dismissed against my husband, but I was left with huge trust issues.
Over the years, we have managed to stay together, and I know my husband loves me. We have worked through his affairs and can talk about them when needed without anger on my part. There have been a couple of times when I have suspected he was back at it. After confronting him about these suspicions, we have been able to talk about why I had them and work through it. I believe he has been faithful for the past 18 years, but only in the physical sense. I recently saw a message exchange between my husband and a past female co-worker, who lives about an hour from us on Facebook. He was making a trip to her town and was arranging to meet her for lunch that day. She is a single mom. I confronted him with this and said I felt it was not appropriate for him, a married man, to be meeting a woman for lunch, and keeping it secret from his wife. He relented and broke the arrangement off. After a visit to a friend of his, who, lives in another town, he came home and told me about another woman he has been spending time with. His friend's wife and my husband had gotten into a discussion and it came up and she told him it was something he needed to tell me about. It turns out my husband had been stopping in to see this 'friend' while he was working or in out town on other errands and they had been playing Cribbage. A mom who I know in town had commented to me about having seen our car parked outside this house around the corner from her house, and I had asked my husband about it before. He had some story about it being a buddies place. Obviously a lie. So, now he was coming clean about this friendship.
Next, just over the past few weeks, I have had reason to check my husband's activity on Facebook. He has several female friends there that I do not know. Many of which he has messaged back and forth with. Usually in a flirty tone. These woman are people he has worked with or met while he was working.
Now for my question. I have confronted my husband about these so called friendships and questioned why he was friends with them. Am I right in believing that if a husband has to keep a friendship with a female a secret from his wife or partner, that there is is probably a reason for this? Maybe he isn't physically having an affair, but isn't it an emotional affair? Even if the female just thinks of him as a friend, is he not possibly getting some kind of stroking to his ego from it? Is it possible for a married man or any man for that matter, to have a purely platonic friendship with a female? I think, and this is my own belief, that there will always be some amount of attraction from one or the other or both in any friendship like that. I'd like others opinion on this. Or am I totally out in left field about this?

Sounds like he has just learned how to better hide things through the years. You want it to work so you believed he quit. Many guys believe its okay as long as they are coming home to the wife. I doubt he will change so its about how do you want to handle it. Confronting him may help a bit but in the long run he will likely just get even sneakier.

What a selfish inconsiderate fellow. He hasn't changed much over the years has he? What are the consequence of his actions though is what I want to know. Can't be too many since he hasn't seen a need to change and be more open.

In my house if they aren't family friends then you don't make time for them. This secret stuff is B***S***!!

A long, long life together, and many ups and downs no doubt with all the moving, and all the kids.

What bothers me is that you haven't said what changed about him, since he confessed his affairs, to encourage you to be able to trust him again. It's like the alcoholic who says he'll never drink again, but as Nohelp said, it is just better hidden perhaps.

What you don't know, is what you need to know. If the two of you can talk about it, start there. Tell him that you still feel you cannot trust him. Partly to do with his unknown Facebook female friends (they aren't former classmates or neighbours that you know, or know of). The nature of the conversations would bother me as well.

Have you been able to trust him to be home when he is supposed to be home- after work. Where does he go when he goes out without you. Have you caught him in any other lies, or have you seen questionable charges on the credit card, or a tank of gas gone that was just filled up yesterday- things like that.

If you have no proof that he is doing anything to cause you to be worried that he is cheating again, then perhaps he either hasn't changed, and is only more discreet, or, he has, and you have yet to let go completely of your distrust of him because of what he has done in the past.

Being a stay at home mom does not mean that if you separate, you are entitled to any less than half of what the law allows for, plus child support and likely spousal support for a period. Don't let your unpaid labour feel like it hasn't been worth anything, although you have lost out, making that choice, and not establishing your own career.

What I'm saying is, that if the two of you can't come to some sort of understanding with totally honesty- from both of you-not saying how you feel, will not result in any changes or insights. Have you considered marriage counseling? Why don't you run that by him. I'm not sure he's changed, from what you have said of his history, but I would give him an opportunity to work on his marriage.

What do you think.

Thank you so much for the 3 replies above. It is hard to get across in writing all the details of our situation. There have been many times that I have wished I had left him when this first started. I know different people will have different reactions to having someone you thought you could trust turn out to be someone you can't. I think, looking back, that I made the best decision I could have at the time. I have been blessed with 2 wonderful kids since and would not have missed having them for anything. I don't feel like I have been deprived of a 'life' by being a stay at home mom, but rather feel it has been an honour and privilege.
I'm glad to have feed back on this. I do feel I cannot trust my husband completely. He is an accomplished liar. Either that or I am completely gullible. I know there is an element of 'wanting' to believe him. But, there is a very strong part that does not want to be fooled. This part of me is the part that is checking his Facebook regularly, sneaking his phone to check the text messages...
I agree that he may have gotten better at hiding things. He seems to need to have secrets. That scares me.
talaniman asked about consequences... One was that he quit drinking. He has not had a drink since. Another was that I have control of our finances. I guess the biggest consequence is how it affected him when he saw how much it hurt me. He has been diligent about calling me to let me know if he would be late. He seemed genuinely remorseful. He still does. When we talked the other night, after I had confronted him with these female friendships, he was apologetic and embarrassed. He told me he just liked their friendship, it was no big deal and didn't tell me about it because he knew I didn't approve. He is a friendly guy. He has tons of friends who he has stayed in touch with from years ago.. It eats him up when someone doesn't like him and will bend over backwards to get them to like him. In his job, sometimes it will just be him and a female officer working. At those times it is hard for them not to have coffee together, or a meal. I would be wrong if I said I'd rather he just went for coffee by himself, or with male buddy. But, I do understand this particular situation. I may not like it, but I do understand it. My biggest issue is being lied to. I hate lies! Jake2008 is right when he says that what I don't know is what I need to know. I can't take not knowing. It eats me up. Am I just really dealing with trust? He has not earned my trust back, after all these years. I don't feel I can trust him and feel I must constantly be on my guard, looking for slip ups in his explanation of things.
He has agreed to go to counselling, for which I am thankful. We should have gone years ago, and actually did right after it all hit the fan... but at the time, the counselor was more concerned about my husband keeping his job. He told me that we had to concentrate on my husband's work situation (the sexual harassment), and when that was settled, we would deal with the marriage part. It never happened. The counselor moved or quit or something, and it just never happened. Basically, I had to deal with my anger and pain alone.
But, that was then, this is now. I don't think I am out of line expecting him to cut all ties to these women. He has a hard time understanding how I feel about it. I've tried the old 'shoe on the other foot' scenario, which he does get to some extent, but he seems hesitant to give up these female friends. He is willing to talk though, and is not defensive or angry. I'm hoping we can resolve this, but as far as I'm concerned, he has to say good bye to these friends.

I'd insist on keeping tabs on him and he will know why and if he really cares he will accept that.
It's a shame you can't trust him. I am starting to go through the same problem with my boyfriend of 2 years. If I find out that my suspicions are right I want to leave him. I can understand when you are raising kids together, but I feel I am too old for this!

I personally think that being a stay at home mom is a sacrifice more than anything else- I hope I didn't imply that you were somehow not as worthy as someone with a career. I stayed home for 13 years, and at times I do wish I'd kept my foot in the door. It would have made getting back to work easier.

I think the trust issue has to be resolved in counseling. He needs to hear you say that as much as you want to, you have been unable to establish trust to a degree that allows you not to think about him possibly cheating again.

You need to hear him say how he is going to do that.

And a counselor can sift through all that comes forward and get you both thinking.

The drinking that he quit. Did he ever seek help once he stopped? A 12 step program or addiction counseling? Sometimes going from being a drunk, doesn't mean the behavior changes, or the reason for the excessive drinking in the first place. Behaviour does not necessarily change.

Give counseling a chance, and see what happens. It is hard work, but well worth every effort if it turns this all around for you. And him.

As to the Facebook friends. Ask him, as a show of good faith, just for the time being while you are being booked for counseling, if he would just close his Facebook account down. He can resume the account at a later date.

It is bothering you, and wouldn't hurt him to quit Facebook for a while. Maybe replace Facebook with a once a week outing- something both of you enjoy and probably need.

Fingers crossed for you.

p.s. I'm female. My little dog's name is Charlie.

What plans do you have when the nest is empty? How soon will that likely be? I want to ask your ages also. For the record, he may well be trying, but I suspect you may have been passive on the consequence since he l lies until he is caught still. The good part, you can have a rainy day fund for yourself. Now don't balk, its standard procedure when you cannot trust a partner, even one you have been with so long. To be blunt you need a life beside your kids.

You have already endured much to keep your family together. He will likely not stop doing what he's always done until he can't. Do you have friends and a social life? Kids do grow up you know, and you better prepare for it.

Thanks everyone again. Lol... no Jake2008, I did not think you were saying I was not as worthy. I am a firm believer in kids having one stay at home parent. I think the world would be a better place if kids were actually raised by their parents instead of a daycare. We have also homeschooled our kids until grade 11. Jumping off my soap box now..
Jake2008, his drinking was not a problem until he became a cop. When he was in training, away from home for 6 months, with mostly single people, the drinking began. After 3 years, it didn't seem to be a problem. He did not drink at home, he didn't not drink every day, but it was instrumental in his affairs. He spent a month at a place they called a life enrichment service, sent by his job. I spent one of those weeks there with him. He attended AA for awhile, but honestly it was not a big deal for him to give up booze. It had not been a very big part of our lives previous to his becoming a cop, so maybe it had not become established yet. It just made him do stupid things. Both of his parents were alcoholics and he has seen what it can do to people.
He has suggested shutting down his FB page, but there is still cell. Although we do live in a remote area where cell is not available, so he would not be able to text whenever he wants. He is in the process of getting an early retirement due to health issues and PTSD. He is 49 and I am 51. Our 2 remaining kids are 11 and 14, so we won't have an empty nest for awhile yet. I don't have much of a social life, whether that is because of having my so called best friend betray me and not trusting anyone (? ) or the fact that we live in a remote area, and only go to town every couple of weeks. I enjoy people, but just have not made an effort to make friends and am fine in my own company for days on end. I'm hoping this will change and I will be more inclined to make friends when we make a move back to my hometown in the next year or so. I am not a total recluse though.. I have spent the past 3 summers working as a chef in a camp cooking for 60 people, and have been able to bring the kids with me. This was my last year though. After we are moved I will be looking for work part time to supplement my husbands pension. I do have skills and am a trained chef.
And yes, talaniman, I do have a secret fund. I have over 20,000 in a high interest account my husband is not aware of and also 500 in cash, just in case. I realized long ago that I could not trust my own feelings as they had been lead me so wrong before.
Nohelp4u,. I am insisting on knowing where he is at all times and knowing his passwords for FB and his cell. He says he is good with that too.
It seems we are never too old to end up having to deal with this kind of garbage.
Thanks again for your input and advice.