Hello All. I have a royal screwed situation. I had an affair with one of our mutual friends 2 years ago. We got caught 6 months into it but continued to see each other until recently. Things were going good until her ex threathened to take the kids and house and make her life a living hell. I understand most of you will not agree with what happened but it did and we were told by numerous people we are soul mates. We both fell head over heels in love. So now I am ready to move out of my house and go forward with her. Now she's backing away and told me she's trying to fall out of love with me. How can someone fall out of love with a person she called her soulmate. Her ex is a head and still controls her life. He was mentally abusive in their marriage and he's still doing it. I have never loved a person like I love her and its tough to hear that she's trying to fall out of love with me because of the ex. He met her one day and told her if she isn't with me he will leave her alone. If we get together he goes after everything. She says she's tired of fighting and has no more fight left. I told her numerous times to get restraining order or any kind of court order. She never did because her mom told her it would make things really bad. So my question what should you do when your heart is 100% with this woman.

Some places restraining orders are hard to get (require proof of bruises, etc... ). Then if the guy is psycho enough he isn't going to care about a restraining order.
Have a serious talk with her that you want to be with her and ways you can make it work. That you do not want to give up on her because she is the best thing in your life.

I have told her that. Told her I will do whatever it takes to make this work. She has so much going on with work and extra work for a non profit organization that she's getting overwhelmed. She's going to run herself into the ground with all the working she has to do. Her company had 2 salesppl quit so now she has to travel every second week to the main office which is 7 hours away. It sure is a tough situation.

She may be using work as a way of having to deal less with the psycho ex. Give her some time.

Well it sounds like everyone involved has the innocent kids needs as there main focus.

"So now i am ready to move out of my house" - So does that mean you are ruining a life (as in a wife) too?

"So my question what should you do when your heart is 100% with this woman." - Sometimes the excitement of cheating is what fuels a relationship like this. If you two leave your spouses for this relationship, which one will need to fulfill the lack of excitement by cheating first? Cheaters cheat, that is why they are called cheaters. She has not been faithful to her husband so what makes you think she will be faithful to you?

Typically in a divorce settlement there is no such thing as one party getting it all so that is the least of her worries. But I can understand why her husband said that.

So your question was "what would you do". I wouldn't have put myself in that situation in the first place. I can't every see myself cheating on my partner no matter what the circumstance.

I'm not sure I've got this straight.

You are married, and she is married. You and her hooked up and continue with a long term affair.

You are ready, but haven't yet left your home and marriage. She has, I presume, planned to move in somewhere with you.

Her ex is seen as some sort of monster here, although he was, as you said, a mutual friend of yours.

Are there children involved here?

It seems that getting caught, has pushed this situation to a head, with your lover's husband making threats. You don't say how your wife is coping with all of this. Are the two of you still in the same household?

That your lover has made a decision, at least temporarily, to stay with her husband (and children?), could mean that the well thought out plans of you and her are falling apart, and when push comes to shove, she is staying where she is.

She also sounds very confused about what she wants- you or her marriage. You seem sure, but the fact that she is still in contact with you might have you now re-thinking the whole thing with your wife.

If you could clear up some of the points of your post, it would help in order to get the best advice.

I think you need to jump up and down and knock the cobwebs out of your head... this "we're soulmates" garbage has clouded your thinking. You indeed may love her a lot but you're so in the throes of passionate desire that you're rolling over your own marriage or relationship, family, her family and her ex to get there. It won't work.


The only way to find out how you legitimately feel about each other (and honestly, to find out how she feels about her ex -- who you cast as a "psycho" out of your own romantic delusions) is to back up, back off and deal with your primary relationships without your "SOULMATE" love crazy being the reason. To leave your spouses and your lives and change things - it must come from a true place and real reasons, not because of the excitement of an affair. You can't leave FOR SOMEONE ELSE... you have to leave for yourself!

She may not, hard as it may be to swallow, know if she wants to leave her husband or what she wants. Therefore, she's not 100% committed to you. Before you throw your life down the toilet for this woman... give her space. You say he's the "ex" but he's clearly NOT the ex... he's still in the game! Like it or not.

For that matter, even though you have decided that your partner is an "ex" because you found your twin-soul-soul-mate-from Heaven, - you're just plain deluded. You have a relationships RIGHT NOW. Deal with the issues that brought you to this place or you'll be doomed to repeat them with a new partner
Or with the old situation forever. Deal with your current partner and commit yourself 100% to her... that's the only way you're going to be free and find the path for yourself no matter if you do end up breaking up or whether you move on with your lover, or move on by yourself. Don't make it about this woman. Make it about yourself and your own issues and understanding your current partner and whether you are a good match. "I'm not happy" is not an excuse! Dig deep, because for the last couple of years you've been totally and utterly selfish and have avoiding dealing in a mature or loving way.

I promise that if you leave and leap for this - that this other woman will leave you with nothing if you go about it this way. Don't do it. And stop with the romantic "soulmate" illusions. You (and she) are likely to cheat on other each other and other partners unless you work on what's going on with you that makes you treat relationships in such a deluded way.