My boyfriend and I were together in a relationship for 8 yrs. We are both passionate people and our time together was wrought with happiness, arguments, living together and breaking up and getting back together. Then, all of a sudden, he just never called anymore? I was crushed. I had invested so much time and effort into this relationship. I found out he was seeing someone else and even moved her into his house.

After 4 yrs of being broken up, and him calling me regularly telling me how much he missed me and loved me, while he was with this other woman, I told him if he wanted me back he needed to deal with her. I would not allow him to do the same thing to her that he did to me. He did it! Then he asked me to marry him. During our time apart, I had done some real soul searching. Dated minimally, but, was lonely and idolized the relationship I had lost. Before he left "her"... I totally expected that I would be alone for the rest of my life. Anyway, I married him.

Now, whenever I want to talk to him about my insecurity, i.e. he just quit calling, never gave a reason, cheated on me and lived with another woman... he closes up. He says I am asking for an argument. I'm not, I really want to understand. I worry that we may never get past this.

What advice do you have? I really love him, I really want my marriage to work... I want us to be happy.

It's time to stop talking and thinking about the past and start living in the present. There is nothing you can do about what had happened, and will never know "why" (huh?). Does all that really make a difference in your relationship now? He married YOU, not her. Forgive him in your heart and move forward, otherwise you are going to drive him away.

If you need help dealing with your insecurity, go to a counselor and resolve it, but leave him alone.

You should have cleared that all up before You ever got back together. You need to prove to him he made the right choice by being the wife he married. Insecurities, nagging and jealousy will only wreck havoc in a solid marriage. Drop it asap.

You married him, having the same insecurities you have now, and still having no answers as to why.

The best way to put a wedge into your marriage is to keep harping on the past.

Let it go. Resolve never to ever bring up the matter that was forgiven the day you married him. Go forward, not backward. Look to the future, not the past.

If, on the other hand, you find you can't trust him until you rip the issue to shreds, then the problem lies with you. So leave him out of it.

And yes, I see his point about you starting an argument.

Just don't bring it up!

You need to let this go. You didn't deal with before you married him and it is silly to do it now. How long have you been married and how soon after you took him back did you marry him?
Has something happened that has brought all of this back to your mind?

Thanks for the advice. I really knew deep in my heart that I need to let this go. It is hard though. I am 50 yrs old. My husband and I have been doing this since I was in my 30s. I would have bet anyone a million dollars that there was no way he would just disappear from my life without any explanation. It hurt bad. Then to find he had another woman in his house so quickly, just added insult to injury. Even with all my soul searching, I could never resolve that. Throughout the time we were apart and he was calling me telling me he missed me and loved me and wanted me back, he never broke it off with her. But, I also always told him we could never be more than friends after what happened. But, I adored him. When I gave him the indication that if he dealt with the issue of her being there, there would be a good chance we could try again... he went that day and told her to move and she did. But, sme of her stuff was still at his house, she calls his neighbors and kids and family... she has blocked all his accounts because she set them up and he isn't very computer saavy, so I try to log into his computer and it is inevitably locked by her with some stupid question like what was her first pets name. So, as I try to move on and put "her" in the past... she is still everywhere it seems. We did get married pretty quickly after getting back together, but, at our ages and knowing that he has always had my heart, I didn't think it made sense to wait? Again, thank you for your advice and support.

He needs to get his account business with her straightened out. You should not have to do it, and get her stuff out of your house. This maybe why you are still asking questions.

Threads merged for background and to keep info in one place.


OK. So, Ive posted here before about my marriage, but, here's another one. We have been married for 4 months. However, we had an 8 yr relationship previously. In between our relationship and our marriage, we broke up and he lived with another woman. He called me constantly during that time and eventually we reconcilled and even got married. We have been living between his house and mine because we are remodeling his. So we work for an hour or two each night at his house, then leave for my place where we have dinner, watch TV or whatever and sleep. The next day all over again. It is stressful.

So, he tells me that he's going to a golf tournament and Im not allowed. No women are allowed. I have been to this particular tournament before and there were women there... so that's weird. Then, his nephew and his wife came to visit and the wife asked me if I was going to the golf tournament. I said, "Im not allowed"... she looked at me like she bit her tougue. She said "Oh....Im going". Anyway, I let it go, but, it was bugging me. So, the Friday before he is leaving on Saturday, one of his old buddys comes over and we decide to go have dinner and go out for beers. It's a karaokee bar. I am having a good time, I am singing, my husband is singing, and this guy comes over and is just making conversation with me... not flirting or anything. My husband tells me I need to beat it.? It really hurt my feelings. So, I went outside for a smoke and when I came back, he was gone... on foot. The next day, he told me I talk too much, I make him sick... but he loves me... yadi yadi yadi. I don't get it?

So he leaves for the tournament. He calls me telling me he wishes I was with him. He loves me and he's sorry for all the crap... its going to get better he promises. Well, throughout the first night he is drunk calling me and yelling at me. Im just at home. The next morning he calls at 8 AM tells me he is teeing off at 9:20 and will call me when he comes off the course at about 2:00. I don't hear from him. So I called him. No answer. I called again at 4:00 no answer. Then at about 7:00 PM he starts calling me. I was outside with my grandkids and daughter. He called 12 times in an hour. The voice messages got more and more beligerent. He was calling me a lazy for not answering the phone and we need to just not be married anymore, he can't take it... etc. When I came back in the house and heard them all, I was sick. I called him and he was so angry with me.

So, this morning, the next day, I didn't dare call, because he might be on the golf course, but, I sent him a text telling him I love him and to have a good day. Nothing... Then a few hours later, I texted for him to let me know if I need to check on his dog. Nothing. So, I started calling. His phone goes straight to voice mail... no rings or anything, so it must be turned off.

I don't know what to do? Im at a loss? Help.

First off marriage is something that is like a job. No two people are alike. Seems like he is taking you for granted. Anyone who loves you will always want to spend time with you. And then again everyone needs a little me time. If he is spending too much time away from you he may be spending time with someone else. Be smart and protect your heart. Good luck!!

I'd believe he means what he says when he is mad. You don't answer and he is all over you about it, but its perfectly OK for him to ignore your calls? I don't put up with that any more from any one.

I totally understand. When you are married for a longtime and together etc things and people change. No one deserves to be treated poorly especially when you put you all in your relationship. You said he drinks, is it a lot?

Why didn't you ask him about the lie he told about the golf trip when you found out the other lady was going? He sounds angry and guilty to me. We would have a talk when he gets home. He'd have some explaining to do.

He is an a$$ when he drinks, and that's OBVIOUS, but he is a liar too. Probably to cover his drinking, I don't know, but passionate impulsive people and alcohol, don't mix well. Be aware and protect yourself when he drinks.

I think you have always suspected this but never knew what to do. How could you not after 8 years?

I think taking this guy back was a mistake and I think you know it. Sounds like you married him out of desperation.