Me and my ex broke up 2 years ago. He dumped me cause he accused me of cheating when I didn't. We were together for 3 years, living together. He cheated on me in the end for payback and admitted it. He completely cut me out if his life, changed his number and won't talk to me. I was his first. He's 23 and I'm 38. I went crazy when I lost him. I did everything I can to ease his mind that I didn't cheat. He won't believe me.

A lot of people have tried breaking us up through out our whole relationship and they succeeded. I was also hospitalized over this and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I started dating and thought I was fine till I found out he was seeing someone for 4 months and already living together, in the apartment we shared. He'd purposely tell my friends and rub it in. It hurt so bad I had the courage to go to his apartment and tell him to stop! But he slammed the door with his girlfriend by his side and still won't talk to me. It's hard to get over this when I keep hearing things and how evil he's become. I did not cheat on him! And he believes till this day that I did!

I'm trying everything, dating, counseling, hating, forgiving, medication, man hater songs, friends, keeping busy, working all the time and my attempt to get closure... he just hates me! Idk how much longer I can take this pain, I'm lost and still so heartbroken! I don't even want him back but it still haunts me. I'm really scared!

He is really young and you were his first that explains a lot it is really hard to get a guy that young to settle down especially with the first and only women he has been with. He sounds very immature and well it is because he is very young. If he was mature and sensible he could have figured out that you did not cheat, he wanted an out. Chances are with that kind of an age difference you two were in very different places in life. I am sure if he spent three years living with you he had some very real feelings for you but sometimes people just grow and change and he just seems like maybe he wasn't ready to grow up yet and if he has become evil it's a good thing your not with him. He cheated on you he will cheat most likely cheat on her. Don't try to contact him anymore it will only make you feel worse if you need closure consider that door slamming all the closure you are going to get its hard to swallow but sometimes people just don't care who they hurt, but they can only hurt you if you let them so take back power over YOUR life. You will find someone better for you if you really open yourself up look for someone more mature who is on your level. And I don't think there is anything wrong with being single too its great not to have answer to anyone. There is so much more to life than being hung up on this guy you lived 33 years without him and I am sure you got by just fine. Be strong take your life back!

Get professional help, go to counseling, get theory, do something. This is not normal or healthy

You need to separate out two very different feelings: one is missing him and the other is getting him to believe you didn't cheat. After 2 years, you should be able to stop missing him for the most part, but you are still unable to let go of the frustration of not convincing him you didn't cheat.
You say a lot of people tried to break you up, and I have a feeling that one or more people went to a lot of effort to cook up the lies that he believed. He's young and more gullible than you would have been. WHY did he believe them? Because people believe what they want to believe. If he still loved you he wouldn't. He was ready to move on anyway. The sooner you accept that and be angry instead of grieving, the sooner you will get over this. Relationships do end, and you know they do. The age difference didn't help. At his age, he's going through a lot of changes still that you have already been through. Attractions, opinions, wishes, goals, plans - all change on a dime. ACCEPT THAT FACT. He was young. He wasn't going to last no matter what, no matter who lied to him, no matter what he believed. You were bound to lose him anyway.

You went to his apartment to tell him to stop - stop what? Stop living with someone in the apartment you shared? Stop telling everyone he had a new girlfriend? That's extremely neurotic. If someone dies tragically, people will move to get away from memories. Not because they break up. And he's the one who didn't care anyway, so why would he hide his new girlfriend? Do you see how little sense that made on your part? Did you really expect him to come to the door and agree with you, hang his head in shame? I have to agree with others that you need therapy. You aren't seeing how relationships end. You aren't seeing that you don't change people. You aren't seeing that you don't convince people of things they don't believe and aren't interested in believing. You aren't seeing that when someone stops loving someone, they just don't care how you feel anymore. You were supposed to say 'He doesn't deserve me, he's no good, he's too young to have a brain in his head, he believes anything he feels like and that makes him an idiot, and I'm getting over him.' Then you get friends to drag you out with them and tell you the same things, over and over.
That's how you get over someone.

You are mistaking your obsession, pain and self-abandonment for "love" and you need to find a GOOD therapist to help you work out ways to let go of this old relationships and bring your life into healthy balance. If you tried counseling before, either it was horrible counseling or you were not able to take responsibility for yourself at that time because you were still so focused on "must prove to him the truth/must get him back!" You hurting, going into the depths of neurosis and having no life isn't teaching your ex any lessons or bringing about the change part of you hopes for (that you want him back) - it's only hurting you. Your goal now is to take responsibility for your emotions and your well being.

You must learn how to mourn the END of a connection and realise that part of you wanted this to happen as well (on some perhaps hidden level). There are several beliefs holding you back from mourning and moving on to the next steps for your life:

*believing that you have to convince him that you didn't do what you were accused of doing - the feeling of being "Wronged" keeps you attached to him perpetually!

*wanting him back.

*being afraid of the next steps in YOUR OWN LIFE (just for you, without him)


Your error is that it's because he had a mistaken thought about you cheating that he left... - that was just an excuse. He projected that gunk onto you because he was young, confused and didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. It doesn't matter WHAT friends said or did... if he was strong in himself and his relationship with you, he wouldn't have let anyone "break you up" -- that doesn't happen! He would not have "cheated to get you back" -- or broken up the relationship on a suspicion. No he did that because he was NOT invested in the relationship. Accept that he wanted it to end - even if it is an invalid reason, it was valid to him in his growth at the time and you have to let it go instead of holding on for dear life and struggling with reality. YOU CAN'T and WON'T be able to change this perception or misunderstanding and you absolutely must let it go.

That you want him back is built on the fantasy that if you just had him know the truth things would be as YOU SAW IT (which clearly, they were not in the first place). You are unwilling to accept that fact that the relationship is over and that he wanted it to be over and on some level you did as well. Until you do accept that emotionally, dating, "keeping busy" or other distractions won't work because you believe part of yourself is tied up in this man instead of in yourself. You have lost your heart and yourself love completely. For this reason and because you are so obsessed with him, you need therapy to help you look at the way you view yourself and your own importance and how to disengage from making someone else so powerful and important in your life that it destroys your well-being. Like why is this relationship so important? What is so painful in your life that you don't want to address?

Finally, you confronted him about him dating someone else and told him to "stop"? Of course he slammed the door in your face. You are completely out-of-touch with reality in that moment and totally lowered yourself with crazy out-of-control behaviour. You do not have control over this man. Not to tell him to stop, not to beg, plead or reason with him, not to get him to see that you didn't cheat, or stop him from cheating

Like joy said you have to separate your hurt from not getting over this. It sounds like the movie Fatal Attraction. It's over and you have to deal with it. Leave him go on in peace.

You guys are a little harsh. And I truly don't deserve half the things you all said about me, especially if you don't know me or the actual situation. I've seen 2 counselor a and they both told me to face my fear, and get my closure, and talk this out. And you all accuse me of being a psycho? And if he really want out, let me ask you something, why did he text me a week after he broke up with me, telling me he loved me crying the blues? Why did he admit to me he still has texts of mine from November, and why is he keeping tabs on me, going by the guys apartment that he accused me of cheating with, he admitted that as well. Another misunderstanding on his part, because I have a co worker who lives in that same building. Keep in mind he's also a drug addict as well. So instead of judging me, and me hurting because he's purposely telling my friends things to get back at me and I want it to stop! You all misunderstood what I said, and if you didn't, then it's pretty harsh! Put yourself in my shoes and the confusion of all of this. I don't stalk him at all! I don't do crazy things like that, so don't go there, please! Imagine the one you live accusing you of cheating when you didn't, tells you he still loves you, and 2 days later hates you and rubs some girl he cheated on you with in your face... and thruout this whole time, spreading lies and hurting you more, especially in my place of work... so before you all put more salt in my wounds, know the facts. I picked the wrong support group... my fault!

Except for the exception of lulu, thank you for understanding...

Oh be fair, your original post was all about you being heartbroken and crazy emotional, not being the victim of a psycho dope head who is stalking and harassing you.

It doesn't matter if he was crying his eyes out or stalking the apartment of the guy he thought you cheated with... the point of the matter is that this man ended the relationship and moved on. You have not. He cut you out of his life, changed his phone number, and won't talk to you. Therefore you going over there and demanding that he "stop" felt like you hanging on and refusing to accept what was going on (whether he did it too, or whether it was right or wrong of him to feel that way). Perhaps someone saying you're like Glen Close in Fatal Attraction is a bit much, I'll agree... but perhaps that person is trying to get you to wake up and take charge of your own life. You're not "psycho" by any means, however you yourself mentioned several very out-of-control behaviours and that in spite of having counseling you still have not been able to move on!

Which fears do you have to face? And what do you need to talk out? Perhaps one of those fears is putting an end to the relationship in your heart and mind so that you can move on instead of holding on to an immature drug-addict who discarded you.

We're not being harsh, your own reality is harsh enough.
Take good care of yourself!

No one here is being harsh. They are being honest. There is a difference.

After two years you are still grieving. That's a little extreme. I know of a woman who's husband passed away 4 months shy of their 50th wedding anniversary who has "gotten over" the death. You see break ups should be treated like deaths. It's broken, it's over, you move on. Even though the actual mechanism of the break is different, the grieving process is the same. If a grieving person has not recovered after the maximum of a year, counseling is in order. Grief support groups are an idea as well.

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You all misunderstood what I said, and if you didn't, then it's pretty harsh

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No one misunderstood what you said because you didn't put it in your original post. You waited until later to add some significant information. We can only go on what you tell us.

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Imagine the one you live accusing you of cheating when you didn't, tells you he still loves you, and 2 days later hates you and rubs some girl he cheated on you with in your face... and thruout this whole time, spreading lies and hurting you more, especially in my place of work.

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Been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. However, I was only 18 at the time. Didn't take me two years to get over it. Took about 6 months at most.

Having mutual friends makes clean breaks impossible to move on.

At 38 years old, you are way too old to be acting this way. You said you've been in counseling for this, maybe it's time for some intense therapy.

And not only are you still not accepting the end of the relationship you are holding on to this person who CHEATED on you, accused you, dumped you and is a drug-addict (that alone should explain a great deal of his irrational behaviours to you, if you understand anything about addictive personalities). Not moving on from a relationship like THAT with so many negatives for two years and still wanting the relationship back also speaks to your state of mind and need for further help from a counselor to help you identify ways to form healthy attachments and move on with your life.

Your therapists who told you to get closure probably meant something very different than what you have decided they meant. With all due respect to them and with an understanding that they were in a room with you listening and doing their best to get you to see reality, you cannot get closure from another person. The other person could tell you everything you want to hear and listen to all the heated words you want to say, but that will not do anything other than give you something else to add to the piles of emotional baggage stacked up in your mind.

Closure comes from saying enough. It comes from packing up the remainder of the anger, hurt, and frustration and then tossing those bags into a dumpster to be left behind. It comes from opening up the windows and letting fresh air in. It comes from being willing to move forward instead of standing in one place demanding something that only you can give yourself.

You need new friends or at least ones who understand that telling you anything he says and does is not helping you. They are holding you back if they keep spreading tales of what he is doing. Tell them you do not want to hear about it and mean it.

Let him live his life. He and everything associated with him does not matter. They have no place or value in your life.

You have a life of your own to live. You have a future full of wonder and people who care about you. You can make the decision that it is your turn to be happy and give yourself the support and tools you need to make it happen. As long as you hold on to the past, you are going to hurt and hurt yourself.

All your therapists/counselors/doctors and we can do is offer a hand and let you know you aren't alone. You have to decide you want to heal and welcome life.

What exactly out of control behaviors do you think I've done? In the beginning trying to work things out? That I was powerless to turn things around? That he pushed me over the edge by rubbing a girl in my face when I did nothing? For being the mature one and wanting to talk things out, even after a year, so we both can ease our minds about all this? That I'm not as strong as others? That I want this pain to stop and move on? Because I loved him? I know the facts... let it go... move on... but it's easier said then done when you still love someone and still don't understand what happened. It's called piece of mind, which I don't have. What more therapy am I suppose to be getting? I've done it all! I have let him go, I don't beg him to get back together, but to have him stop talking to others about his conquests. And being mature enuff to talk civil, even with his girlfriend there, so her mind can be at ease as well. This was a very painful break up... moved on, yes, I'm dating, but unfortunately, my heart isn't in it. My friends tell me what he says because I fake my hardest that I'm over him, but they don't know that I'm not. So you tell me, if the one you love accuses you of something you didn't do, how would you feel? What kind of piece of mind can you take home to bed with you at night to get through this? Thanks for your imput. I appreciate the honesty, but not the insensitivity. I won't be on here again. I picked the wrong support group. Please do not respond back..

The choice to go or stay is YOURS, but you really should have let this go a year ago and just disappeared from his life or gotten a restraining order if he harassed you further. If you cannot recognize the part you played in the drama then finding a resolution is impossible.

I wish you luck whatever you decide to do.

Cat, thank you for your kindness, but I'm not mistaken what counselors have told me. I was told to get my closure from him! A very true friend of mine talked to him without my consent, because she cared to get answers for herself as well as for me. You know what she told me? Along with my counselors, family and others who have been through this... he's still hurting over this and too blind with rage to see the truth. She also told me, by reading between the lines, beyond his anger, that he still cares... that was my piece of mind. More then one person can't be wrong, and neither of them are saying what I want to hear either. I can get in this long story and believe me, it's long, and more to it then that. When I went to see him, I personally saw pain and tears in his eyes myself when he saw me. I know him very well, and all I want out of this for for him to be happy, as painful as it is to let him go, he needs to know that I did not hurt him! Especially if I was his first. I love and care for him that much. I let go of my anger to have that courage. If that makes me unstable, then so be it! But I call that true love! Not stalking or psycho... I won't be back on here!

Healing takes time and giving yourself support. It takes letting go and not holding on to what is hurting you. It takes accepting that you cannot control another person, their thoughts and their actions. You can only control yourself and your healing. He has to do his own healing in his own way and time.

I think part of your issue is that you do care about him and a part of you always will. That part, however, needs to be put away and allowed to fade.

What you see as insensitive is a group of people who do not know you, but are concerned about your emotional and mental well-being.

What do you do to give yourself support? If your heart isn't into dating, what other things do like to do for fun and social enjoyment? What helps you feel good about yourself?

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