Dear members,

The reason for the subscription is because of the sound answers to some of the members on this website that have led me to subscribe. I therefore admire and really respect all those that have been willing to empathise and their advice to the members who bared or uncovered their uncomfortable situation.
I do not know how to write this... I am feeling uncomfortable, and although I have friends I talk to and open up to I am not comfortable as I am considering more opinions or experiences. I also would like to add that I am currently seeking counselling to solve issues from my childhood which I did in the past like EMDR and hypnosis. All of these helped me a lot, and I would not lose control over my emotions that strongly as I did before. For instance, I would isolate myself feeling pity, and filled with sadness and tears. One thing I would like to share for those that might understand me a little more is that I grew up with a very abusive and domineering mother. Although my father was there who was more often kind, yet I felt that he did not protect me enough. This experience has led me today or triggers situations where I feel that I am not in control of situations. I even developed Obsessive Compulsive Behaviour: i.e. counting pavements, the amount of time on the cooking plate, water tab, doors. But I recovered for 70% from my disease with cognitive therapy. I still find myself doing this but on scale from one to ten I would say a 3.

To avoid extending my story too far I still have fears and insecurities in my romantic relationship, except in my platonic relationship which are healthy. I do think that my friendships are a blessing , and it has proofed that I can have a normal healthy life with loving and accepting friends.
Last December 2012 was the end of a relationship I had with a man who is 11 years older than me (I am 33). It was a 3 year relationship with many ups and downs. I was someone confident, independent with my own hobbies and kind. The man was also kind, yet, he depended a lot on me, and I felt he was being too demanding. I was open about my hobbies and interests, but he hadn't none. He had... it was poetry and I supported that, but when I would ask about it, he would shy away. Anyway, the relationship ended because he tried to hit me several times, and even told me that he told his therapist that he felt killing me. We still have contact via e-mail although vague, but I do not think or wish to continue with him, and he does not want to with me, which is fine.
After that I started dating a man (31 years old) which I will call M. who I happened to meet accidentally on a night out. I tried seeing him every week and I held out for sex for three months and he agreed on that as I wanted it to do it only if would be exclusive. Well why I am saying this is because I think it is important to hold sex out until I feel comfortable and to know whether it would be someone I know he feels the same about me. In the end I feel I should have waited longer for several reasons. We had a strong chemistry so that is why it happened. But it went all downhill before his holiday on the 6 month. I broke up with him. Before his holiday I had not seen his apartment which is something I still wonder about why I had let myself get into this situation. He started withdrawing before the holiday.

In the beginning I felt he was coming on strong. He was trying to win my love by talking about us going to see his friend in the United States, and for us to go on a holiday in Morocco. He even asked me when I would like to marry and how etc. Nonetheless, he was often complaining about his job and the hard work he is doing. He is here but doesn’t have a naturalisation or passport and is dependent on a Visa, and his University keeps extending it for him. He works as a chemist in a science project, where he got his PhD. He says that his University is not paying his money to have a normal living. I find this quite absurd! I do not think he is lying. I did see the prove of him working there and I did also see his colleagues. I broke up with him because he was withdrawing and I felt that he had too many things on his plate and was really neglecting the relationship. I also kept asking when to go and see his apartment? I felt used, and deceived. After this he kept pursing me, but it didn’t work as I was ignoring him. After a couple of weeks he asked again, and then if we could stay friends. I said that I couldn’t be friends with someone I really don’t know about i.e. where he lives, and if he is not living with a wife, which is something I cannot do. Now yesterday we met up and he was as in love again. He kept holding my hands, and kissed me and we ended sleeping together. I am okay with this, but I am not sure what to do.

He said that he was going to call me today to meet up. Now, I wasn’t really waiting for him after 6 p.m. but I thought by myself: ‘You know what, I am not going to sit and wait for him to call me’. I am going to ask if he is still coming or not. Then he started the conversation about how I am doing and how things are going. I didn’t sense an ‘I miss you’ or ‘I want to be with you’. Then I confronted him with yesterday. He said that our sex was in the heat of the moment. I then asked if he was still coming tonight. He said that he forgot this….. Then I asked further, and he said that he has not set his eyes on anyone else. I feel a little uncomfortable as I really need him to be honest. I am a little angry and confused in all honesty.

He went on how tired he was and that he wasn’t feeling well about his situation and if I could help with finding a course he would like to chase in the next couple of months. I said that if he wants one, why isn’t he capable of finding a course himself? I said that I would look around for him. Then when I asked about our relationship he said that we need to sit down together about this. Which I really do not know how to deal with? He also said that he needs a therapist, because I said that I was feeling comfortable being with him, and I asked about him with being with me. He replied that he needs to see a counsellor as he is feeling uneasy with himself. ‘’I feel like I really don’t know……’’
During our breakup another long time ago date which I will call F. which I happened to date before about three years ago for some time. I know quite a lot about him and he is a very open person. To be honest I feel very comfortable being with him and we communicate very well about our wellbeing and he is more communicative than M. We have been dating for a month right now, and we have been very intimate in our conversations. Now when I said to F. that I want to pursue doing things with him he suddenly wanted a conversation with me? He said that at this moment he can’t give me what I want for the next 6 months due to his job. He comes home not until 12 or 1 a.m. as so do I as I work as a nurse. I said that if he didn’t wanted a relationship I cannot continue with him. Nonetheless, he kept texting me every day, asking how I am and us having conversations together until the middle of night 3 a.m. and kissing me goodbye on Skype.

Now a week ago, no, just last Friday, F. and me had another chat and he was really trying to seduce me as always does a little. I said that I couldn’t continue doing this. He said he would take things slow if I wanted and that he could adapt to that. Then I said I was being very vulnerable to him. He was a bit surprised claiming that I appeared being strong. I said that I am sometimes and sometimes not. He then asked if he thought he would abuse me. I replied with yes, well maybe. Then he said that he couldn’t continue pursuing me. Then I suddenly busted into tears. Then he stopped replying and I felt losing control. I asked why he stopped replying. He said that he had fallen asleep- since it was for a.m.

After that I didn’t hear from for 2 days. I felt that all was clear, yet, very hurt. Then I decided doing the next. I have said to F. that I was going to continue dating my ex M. again. Now suddenly he seemed very disappointed and wanted to have a face-to-face chat with me.
To be honest, I feel now that I should go for F. since I am feeling many more for him. But I really do not know what to do or better ‘’choose’’.

I apologise for making this story too far-fetched and I would love to hear your suggestions.
Aphrodite.

None of these guys sound serious and if you have that hard of a time deciding my hunch is none of them are right for you.

My first impression is that you need a psychologist or psychiatrist to bounce some of these feelings off on. A professional who can assess your condition, listen to your story you have told here, and make some recommendations. Roughly speaking, you are affected about 30% by the OCD then- maybe? It is impossible for me to determine how the OCD (and/or other conditions) affects your problems and if your assessments of these individuals is accurate. Others here may look at it differently.

I would encourage you to trust your instinct. I would encourage you not to be involved with two men at the same time.

When things are over, finally, with F, allow yourself time to think through that relationship, and gain back your confidence, self esteem, and independence. Know that you are on solid footing before even attempting another relationship so soon. It takes time, insight, and reflection to see what was wrong with the relationship with F, before you move on and try again with M.

I agree that F has some secrets. Like why he hasn't taken you to his home. It sounds like you are second to everything else going on in his life, and he's not making much of an effort in order for you to feel secure in thinking the relationship could really go somewhere. Who knows- he wouldn't be the first with someone on the side, while seriously or more seriously, involved with someone else.

That he doesn't have the time or desire for a solid commitment, surely indicates that nothing will change anytime soon with him.

M, was in the past, and perhaps he was there for a reason.

Maybe time on your own is the best thing for you right now.

I think I must written my reply twice, but the final for now is below.

Thank you N0help4u, smearcase, and Jake2008.

To N0help4u: I feel that you might be right about both men, because both seem taking things slow. Which healthy. But M. seems to be in conflict whether to jump ahead with me and his career. When I asked him if he was feeling the same way as me liking him, and to be more open, he responded by saying that he needs a psychologist to vent and talk to him about emotions. I laughed initially, because this was the first time he opened up, but on the other hand I laughed because I thought he was making a joke and I apologised and then he started asking if I had seen one. Then I said that there should be one available at his work, and then he replied as if he didn't know. Weird. I kind of feel that I do not know him well as he keeps changing goal posts and emotions. Maybe it has to do about his uncertainty about where he stands in his life right now.

To smearcase: I am much better than I was years ago. I do not think the OCD is affecting me right now from experience. It has rather to do with making a choice for the right person for me. I think that M. is not in the right place, as he says himself: the right job, money etc. But I will take your advice into consideration. You might be right to whether my feeling about the individuals is accurate. Besides I am only looking through my own coloured glasses. Hence, I am learning and I do not want to hurt people or deceive them either. I want things to go without much trouble.

To Jake2008: I do feel in the midst of two men and to trust my instincts. Before I come to that I would like to tell you a bit more.

M. kind of has put me off because yesterday after he tried to meet up and be friends with me which I denied several times, hence I did decide meeting up yesterday. We kissed and we had sex. However, we were supposed to talk. But we ended acting romantic, i.e. him holding my hands and kissing me and the rest as I told you which felt was good. But after this I felt awkward and did not understand why I did or we had continued about where we would be heading. M. hadn't shown me his apartment for six month until last night. I was upset because I thought he was living with a wife, or I was starting to think that. He said that he was living with his sister. I finally decided to ask him to see his place yesterday as he seemed more receptive to it, because before he was like:'' I need to think about... or give me more time.'' He does live with his sister, and the place looked scruffy. And he sleeps on a matrass in a 6square bedroom. I think he rather must have felt embarrassed and kept saying: '' Why do you have to see where I live?''

Then last night M. he asked me if he could see me today, and if we could continue as normal. But frankly, he was supposed to come and see me today and he didn't call. Then I got confused and called him up. Then he said that he hadn't remember. I responded by that he should have figured that out before he had said that to me as I sort of was counting on him and afterwards I just felt silly. When I asked about our relationship since were supposed to talk, he said that we should do this another time and did not give a date. It had turned me off, but I also understood. On the phone: I listened to his mourning about how bad he was feeling at the moment and saying that he needs a psychologist, and I kind of laughed because I couldn't belief him. He sounded tired and as if he was in bed. And then he kind of kept asking if I had ever seen one, and then I lied, and said no I had never seen one, as I didn't felt comfortable. This is because he hasn't proven to me in the past that I can be totally save or count on him. I however always did to my ex and friends. I am starting to feel really confused, and as if he is trying to keep me off balance, but maybe this is because he is unbalanced himself, which seems to make more sense to me since he said that he wants to talk to a psychologist and asked me if I had seen one.

I really do not if I can belief him anymore, and I do not think I can handle this, since I would rather have someone more open, vulnerable and more confident in himself. He keeps changing his mind. And I am not sure if this is normal which is something I should give more time... but on the other hand I frankly choose to keep my own sanity and be open to a man who is more balanced. M. is someone who has issues opening himself. I often do not know what he thinks or feels which is uncomfortable. It has to do with himself. I could be looking for someone who is emotionally more mature and in all honesty it is the safest option. I once read an article or research about Attachment Style where it seems that I would best be fit with someone who has a secure attachment style vs. me who as an insecure attachment style.

However, F. has shown me his place in the past and we had open conversations about his family going history, his parents' relationship (attempts for divorce) and other intimate conversations and we often had calm dates. But he said that he was uncertain about how I felt about him 3 years ago and that he likes getting to know me. He is more open and I also told him in all honesty that I was seeing my ex until now. But I also told him that I am not sure I want to continue since he is not in the right place.

I told F. about my meeting with my ex M. and that I felt going back but that I am doubting him. He was very supportive to my surprise and although he felt disappointed he was open and non-confrontational or judgemental. I think I have gotten more respect for F. because of his emotional maturity which took me to surprise. I think if this whole thing hadn't happened I wouldn't have been able getting F. better and him me at this point. So my choice goes more out now to F. as I feel better with someone who is in a much more mature place. I feel I could more comfortable with him. As he seems more mature.

To get back to my instincts. I think my instinct is saying to keep my mind focused on F. who seems more mature. However, I will have to pace the relationship. Perhaps seeing each other once a week at night or during day just to see each other without too many forced plans. He seems to be knowing himself much better.

I had this same issue when I very young, as a teenager when I dated 2 people at the same time. I did not sleep with them, but I feel that I am in the same frame of mind. However, that seemed a bit more innocent and as a teenager I wasn't that serious. And most of the time I got rejected if liked someone. It seems as if I do not know what I should choose. Maybe I should take my time with F. really slow to getting him to know me and me him and whether see if we could be a match. As I said before, he says that I am his soul mate and then he said he didn't want to be in a relationship. So of course I felt rejected. But now I just understand that it doesn't work like how it plays in my mind. I should focus on building a relationship slowly and over time instead of falling straight for someone. F. seems more taking things slow because he thinks about his actions and M. is the opposite.

So thanks again N0help4u, smearcase, and Jake2008.

Thank you very much for reading. I am open to all suggestions.