My wife and I have been married for over 15 years, and have certainly had our ups and downs. Recently we've been in a major upswing, but more about that in a moment.

During a round of intimate conversations, my wife made a comment about wanting to sleep with a woman. Now, I knew early in our marriage that she was bisexual, and truthfully it freaked me out (I was pretty immature as well as inexperienced) back then.

This time, when she mentioned it, it had the opposite effect. I began to feel intensely sad that ever since our marriage, she had been denied (mostly by me) the experience of sleeping with a woman - which she had done once in her life, shortly before we began dating. She has kissed several women since, but they were in passing - in a dance club, in a bar when everybody was sauced, things of that sort. During the ensuing conversation she told me about the three times that this had happened during our marriage (I was present for one of them). Instead of becoming aroused by the recollections, I was devastated, and I felt that she felt sad that she wouldn't experience "her other side" as she put it, and as I said, I felt sad, and maybe a little ashamed.

I approached my wife and tell her that I love her deeply, and have always been amazed with her depth of being - and that if she wanted to explore her bisexual side, it would open to talking more about it, but that I felt it was OK with me; you can imagine her shock. Talk about a 180 degree turn in attitude on my part...

Ground rules - completely open communication between us, she can only see these women causally, and I don't want to be present. That's right, this isn't part of a sexual fantasy. Truthfully, if it was, I think I'd be having an easier time of handling the guilt I'm feeling.

And no, I'm not interested in sleeping with other women (or men; I'm not bisexual myself).

I'm open to advice and would particularly like to hear from other couples that have found themselves in similar circumstances. Particularly the lady.

My wife isn't quite 40, is very attractive, and is very sensual (as long as she feels comfortable) - if that has any bearing!

Many couples have open marriages. If both couples are okay with it, I see no problem with it. It's not for everyone though, and I'm not entirely convinced it's for you.

Why do you feel guilt? You haven't denied her anything, she chose to be with you. It doesn't matter if she's heterosexual, bisexual, or gay, she made her choice, and you are it.

Think of it this way. Did you have sex before you met your wife? With other people? If the answer is yes, should your wife feel guilty because you can no longer have sex with other women since you married her?

Of course not. You chose her. That's what marriage is, committing to one person.

It sounds like the two of you need to get to the root of this problem. It's not that she's bisexual, it's that she doesn't seem to want to be monogamous. If that's the case, then why did she marry, especially since she knew how you felt about this when you married. Doesn't matter that you're views have changed, and frankly, I don't think they've changed as much as you think they have, she's just made you feel guilty for not allowing her to sleep around. That's what this amounts to. She's guilted you into allowing her to cheat.

It up to the mates to set rules and boundaries of good behavior, and you seem to have done that, I guess, so no doubts and regrets, second thoughts or other BS, if it gets complicated. If she has had 3 encounters during the marriage already what advice do you want?

Points of clarification. Thank you so much for your observations and interpretations. She had only had sex with another woman before our marriage, and by force of will I told her that was over when we married. She acquiesced, in effect, turning off that desire in her. The only encounters she has had during our marriage is kissing. No sex since marriage with anyone but me. The topic was moot until about a month ago when a chance comment got me to thinking. She has told me she is not interested in pursuing it at this time though.

I don't think she turned that part of herself off, she just keep it safely tucked away and deals with it like we all do in our secret fantasies and desires, but doesn't act on it.

You have already given permission so at anytime she could come home and tell you she has met the most amazing female and will be back LATER!

Now what?

The only thing I think that would be more confusing than this situation is that you were both bi-sexual. That would be difficult on all concerned I would think.

I'm not sure what the difference is when one cheats, whether they are bi-sexual or not. If you were still dating her, would it be okay with you if she had relationships with other men, rather than women? Would it bother you more or less, if she were cheating with a man? Would you give her permission in other words, to change the nature of your relationship with her, regardless of the sex of the person she chose?

And I do not understand why this would help your marriage, now. Many married couples still find other men/women attractive- but that's as far as it goes. Sleeping around is just not what a marriage is all about- man, woman, or woman to woman, or man to woman, or whatever.

And as has been said, what happens when if the marriage breaks up because she found someone else- in this case a women probably, and you are left on your own.

I think if you're in a marriage, you're in a marriage. And that is two people, not three or more, and it certainly isn't for one or the other to have multiple partners just for sex. And that alone doesn't usually happen- having sex with no strings usually leads to one developing feelings. Then confusion, then facing the truth, which is, cheating isn't ever a good idea.

There are couples who have various levels of open relationship. I have a very close friend, who after 15 years of marriage the wife, confessed she was bisexual and had missed that part of relationship she had prior to marriage. The husband and her agreed, she could date and/or have a relationship with another women if she wanted. If he asked there would be no secrets, but also no requirement for them to talk about it,

So she may be dating a women, or may not be, my friend does not know, he does not ask, he can ask, but he does not. He respects her privacy.

There is no real need for her to have this, part of marriage is giving up other sexual desires for other people and just keeping the one partner.

I'm less concerned with what sorts of agreements couples should or shouldn't have about sex as I am about the notion of one adult giving another adult, even a spouse, permission.
You use that word in your title, and you also say you stopped her when you first married 'by force of will.'
Now a couple does need to constantly work on what they want from each other, but I would hope that no one will think in such parental/authoritative terms.
You may say you didn't mean it that way, but I don't think it's trivial, because it pertains to the relationship as a whole.

@Joypulv, I don't see it as permission more as expectations in the relationship. He expects her to give up women when they married. She acquiesced. He's surprised her by saying that particular expectation isn't really expected and she can explore so long as another set of expectations are met.

@Jake2008, Marriage is becoming a more grey area then it used to be. Used to be one man, one woman. It is changing to being more fluid depending on the couple. If it works for them and doesn't violate a law and no one is hurt then what is the problem?

I honestly believe it is the start of a dialogue that is healthy for both. It might happen, it might not. I am more curious what you feel guilt about?

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Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

@Joypulv, I don't see it as permission more as expectations in the relationship. He expects her to give up women when they married. She acquiesced. He's surprised her by saying that particular expectation isn't really expected and she can explore so long as another set of expectations are met.

@Jake2008, Marriage is becoming a more grey area then it used to be. Used to be one man, one woman. It is changing to being more fluid depending on the couple. If it works for them and doesn't violate a law and no one is hurt then what is the problem?

I honestly believe it is the start of a dialogue that is healthy for both. It might happen, it might not. I am more curious what you feel guilt about?

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Thanks for the feedback. The guilt comes from The fact that I had the nerve to ask her to give up a part of her that was obviously an important part of her life - that I pretended that it was something she could repress - and that I might not have had a right to do. More guilt that my intransigence and inflexibility has caused us issues throughout the years. That I was so closed minded so as to hurt the woman I love dearly.

Your intransigence and inflexibility has caused issues throughout the years over this subject alone, or others as well?

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Your intransigence and inflexibility has caused issues throughout the years over this subject alone, or others as well?

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Others as well. But, I've worked hard at changing those. To great success

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Originally Posted by Talisman_ny

Thanks for the feedback. The guilt comes from The fact that I had the nerve to ask her to give up a part of her that was obviously an important part of her life - that i pretended that it was something she could repress - and that I might not have had a right to do. More guilt that my intransigence and inflexibility has caused us issues throughout the years. That I was so closed minded so as to hurt the woman I love dearly.

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So you FORCED her to give up a part of herself and FORCED her to marry you?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

So you FORCED her to give up a part of herself and FORCED her to marry you?

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Good point. You are attributing power to yourself that you don't really have. Perhaps that goes hand in hand with the attributes of intransigence and inflexibility.

I understand where the guilt is coming from, but I don't see that he forced her to marry her. I think he was inflexible when it came to his wife's sexuality, but kind of goes hand in hand in most marriages. You might like both guys and girls, but that doesn't mean you can have both when in a committed relationship. If you're in a committed relationship most require fidelity regardless of the gender of their mate. Granted he was probably

I think she was surprised more then anything. You were feeling guilt and you remedied the situation. The question is, will he be comfortable with the outcome of the resolution? He's set out how he's comfortable with it. It is up to him to talk to her about it and see what she feels about it. She could just not be interested any more. Then again she might be.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

So you FORCED her to give up a part of herself and FORCED her to marry you?

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No, but I was extremely uncomfortable with the topic, afraid - if I am honest with my young self that I didn't measure up. It was selfishness on my part

I'm not sure why you are carrying guilt and responsibility for (or over) your spouse's decisions or making it your job to "squash" (or encourage) her bissexual experiences. The truth is, if she wanted to explore this side of her nature she very well could have. Also, let's put aside gender and wonder why you're so keen to address this "guilt" ?

Would you be so open to extramarital affairs if she had a burgeoning emotional crush on a man or a lustful tingle for a male-coworker? I feel like you are having gender blindness and confusion about bi-sexuality. A lot of guys think that letting women into the bedroom or letting a spouse itch an urge is OK because it's "just a woman" or that this other gender is not threatening to them after all. That is insulting. Bisexuality is not a taste for liverwurst from the old-country that you get a hankering for every now and then and sometimes need a nibble of. -- sexuality, love and commitment are huge and deep topics and merit serious conversation and thought before opening up your marital bed to outside people. In fact, your wife might have thought this out more than YOU have for HERSELF long ago by deciding that she was not interested in the sexual and connected emotional commitments that she would be drawn to make outside her marriage. She might know that there's far more involved that just screwing someone with a different morphology. Believe it or not, there are monogamous married people who are attracted to their own sex/bi who simply let go of all the "others" to focus on a relationship sexually and emotionally with one person if that's their choice... just like YOU did with all the other women you forgo having sex in your idea of monogamy. Just like there are sexy girls you would now not sleep with, there are sexy males and females that a bissexual partner may no longer be interested in. (Bar kissing doesn't necessarily mean they want or intend to jump into bed with the person!)


Monogamous relationships inherently ARE selfish and have mutual parameters about what is and is not acceptable in terms of sex or love outside the relationship by their very definition. Unless you decide to have an open marriage, there's no reason to feel guilty about that either.

That said, if you are being compassionate towards your partner's needs and now want to open a dialogue about her (and yourself) opening the door towards swinging, sex-play, or even poly-amorous relationships - then you have to educate yourself and have a lot of conversations and ask her how she feels. Sex is not some gift that you give her - it is, and always has been hers.

Get clear with your own thoughts... do you feel like if you let her itch the urge you'll be relieved of guilt? Are you not taking responsibility for one of your own sexual fantasies? Are you thinking that she'll have random sex with a woman and NOT fall in love? Do you think that you have a say in what she does? Those are all bogus ideas. If you have any inaccurate thoughts about open relationship -- know that you have to really up your game in terms of communication and commitment if you go this way. The most successful relationships where outside partnerships (for sex or other needs) are allowed by both people are ones where there is lots of communication upfront about the game rules are and how each of you sees your primary bond.

good luck!

I can only relate to the many miserable females who find out that their man Is on the "down low" and has a dude on the side. They are devastated.