Ask Me Help Desk - New girlfriend, but AGAIN past bothering me.

Confused and mind f**k*d.

Spoke about the past with my girlfriend who I am dating for about 10 months. I'm 25 she is 24. She is perfect in every way now. I know the present and future is important etc. We had spoken about our past casually and gotten over it (note: it never kind of worked between me and my ex because I couldn't get over her colorful past for a long time and by the time I learned to put it behind me it was too late and she was already fed up of my crap).

Now here's the story. The person who introduced me and my girlfriend had told me that she was always into big muscular guys and maybe I wouldn't stand a chance, as I'm well, thin, and not tall. Well, we started dating and weeks later she told me after we started dating about this one night stand she had had once in her past (when she was on a break with her ex). She shared a bit too much of details, a bit too much for my comfort, but according to her it was just 'sharing'.
She was saying how she and her sister and some friends were in a foreign country for holiday when she was on a break with her ex and went clubbing and she met this big British guy there and things happened and she went back with him to his hotel. Though she stopped midway in oral sex as she didn't feel like going ahead (sobered up or so). She stopped and called her friend to pick her up and left. She gave details such as he lifted her up in the club and all to show off strength and all.

Though she says that she wasn't herself then as there was loads of crap on her head and excess alcohol that led to it. We never bothered about it. This was months ago. Just today it came into my head so again we spoke about that topic.
Now the confusing bit is, that she says she was never into big bulky guys, so I wondered why she went ahead with this guy and he lifted her so he needed to be strong. So after a bit of pushing, she was like yes, he was overtly buff and she doesn't get attracted to that type but the way he spoke and danced was what attracted her. I did feel a bit sick in my stomach that she went ahead for a one night stand with a guy that she wasn't even attracted to. She was like she was drunk and stupid and the way he spoke, his character and the way he danced seemed damn attractive then.

Now I feel like crap as I can't dance to save my life and she is a dancer. And keeps asking me to dance with her though I never do as I can't do it. So after hearing this I told her that I guess I can never dance with you again now or this would come into my head as I know I'd never be such a good dancer as that guy. I don't know why but suddenly I feel weird about it and her going ahead with some random that she didn't even know and give him oral even though she isn't attracted to him physically. And if such a strong attraction was based on just talking or dance I feel inferior suddenly wondering about it. As I am not built (I am lean now as I hit the gym after meeting her) and can't dance at all and in a way don't feel like dancing with her ever in future even if I learn it after knowing this crap.

I don't know how to get those thoughts out of my head, that she got used technically as she says that's not who she is, there was just this phase in her life that she wasn't herself and that's why it is more weird to me. She is a very homely girl, not the party type, but has had such incidences when she was out drinking, but others was just kissing around etc and people she knew from before etc.
So I don't know how to take it. Now that I'm thinking of it, it doesn't leave my head, I shouldn't have thought about it or asked her more, but its just eating me inside to see her as such an 'easy' girl that night.

Please help. I don't know what to think and how to get it out of my head. I really want to get over it.

Harshness warning, or tough love and straight no nonsense man to man advice.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ow-744678.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ve-624816.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ve-624816.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ng-600178.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...im-561209.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ex-524236.html

So how is this new question any different than the old ones you have posted? Go with the flow, live and let live, don't dwell and stop asking questions you don't want to hear the answers to.

Then maybe you stop confusing and mind fukng yourself. What are you even doing in a relationship if you are constantly questioning what they did and why. Just date and enjoy yourself and learn when to shut up and stop thinking about stuff you cannot control. Stop questioning and comparing yourself to others like an insecure people pleaser.

Stop being an idiot who doesn't know what to do with his own mind fuking confusion. Instead of asking questions over and over, reread the advice and suggestions you already have. actually take some advice and do it until it doesn't feel weird anymore.

This time around I didn't ask for any details..
NOTHING..
I learnt from the previous relationship.
But the girl herself started with details.
And when it didn't add up I asked.
When she mentioned.. she doesn't like muscular guys and all.. and then I asked but wait, hadn't you told me you had a one night stand with one.. and then more details flowed out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Harshness warning, or tough love and straight no nonsense man to man advice.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ow-744678.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ve-624816.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ve-624816.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ng-600178.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...im-561209.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ex-524236.html

So how is this new question any different than the old ones you have posted? Go with the flow, live and let live, don't dwell and stop asking questions you don't want to hear the answers to.

Then maybe you stop confusing and mind fukng yourself. What are you even doing in a relationship if you are constantly questioning what they did and why. Just date and enjoy yourself and learn when to shut up and stop thinking about stuff you cannot control. Stop questioning and comparing yourself to others like an insecure people pleaser.

Stop being an idiot who doesn't know what to do with his own mind fuking confusion. Instead of asking questions over and over, reread the advice and suggestions you already have. actually take some advice and do it until it doesn't feel weird anymore.

Have you explained clearly how much it upsets you that she tells you so much about her past? As far as dancing why don't you in the privacy of your living room make a somewhat romantic evening of it and ask her to teach you to dance. BUT I think you should work on resolving your bigger issue first.

Yes I have.
And she said she understands me and won't give details or so henceforth.
But I don't know how to deal with what I know now.
And I don't know if I want to learn dance with her or dance with her . I know I won't be able to match up to that guy and I fear that I would think and compare myself to that person if I try to dance with her and bring up all those thoughts into my head again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Have you explained clearly how much it upsets you that she tells you so much about her past? As far as dancing why don't you in the privacy of your living room make a somewhat romantic evening of it and ask her to teach you to dance. BUT I think you should work on resolving your bigger issue first.

What are some things you do feel positive and secure about in your relationship?

Give up women and become a priest, the older you get the more past women will have, you need to see if perhaps you can get into therapy since this is your problem,

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Give up women and become a priest, the older you get the more past women will have, you need to see if perhaps you can get into therapy since this is your problem,

Amen! That seem to be the appropriate word after reading your text. Talk about a Never Ending Story. Holy crappies!

Instead of expecting your partner to change and not feed your fear and insecurities, why don't you change yourself, and get help getting beyond the fear and insecurity?

You will be much happier with courage and confidence.

I have come a long way since my past relationships.
And I know people have pasts. I just don't like knowing the details of it.
And here its weird because she said she doesn't like bulky muscular men.. never got attracted to such people... but had a one night stand with a bulky muscular guy.. that's what is weird for me. That how can you screw a guy who doesn't even fit in your attraction category. And to that she says.. he spoke well and danced well.. is that really reason enough to sleep with someone? I understand.. in relationships when you love someone then physical appearances can be kept aside... but for a one night stand isn't that the basic?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Give up women and become a priest, the older you get the more past women will have, you need to see if perhaps you can get into therapy since this is your problem,

Everything else is perfect in the relationship.
I can't start to explain how perfect it is..
That's why it's a kind of deep jealousy and possessiveness that someone that didn't deserve her got her easily I guess.. and that too someone who didn't fit in her attractiveness category look-wise..
So its very weird . That just alcohol made her so easy. Because she is definitely not that type and would never do it again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

What are some things you do feel positive and secure about in your relationship?

Are you crazy?? Can't you accept people do have sex with stranger for one night willingly, and don't have to be taken advantage of? I mean she probably liked it and that's okay isn't it? Making it the all the other guys fault is just plain stupid, and self serving, and extremely unrealistic.

Boy if simple conversation about sex drives you nuts then you ain't ready for ordinary people and should consider other options. Like porn, and masturbation or something safe like the priesthood.

I better go back and give Fr. Chuck a greenie for the last suggestion. Hang in there guy, eventually this will be water under the bridge, or you will meet a shy virgin.

Wonder where your fears come from. Why are you the way you are? Strict upbringing? Culture, what?

It was culture.. but I'm trying to get over it.
Random sex and sex with strangers was always looked down upon by my society.
And that's why the fast judging of character . I am trying to get over it as I'm not very proud of it but bits of it are still stuck in me..
Im not saying I don't have a past.
Its just weird as I don't know anyone or met anyone who has had sex with a stranger. Yeah friends have hooked up and I have heard of one night drunk acts with friends or people they have known from before. But this is just new and weird . That's why I don't know how to deal with it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Are you crazy??? Can't you accept people do have sex with stranger for one night willingly, and don't have to be taken advantage of? I mean she probably liked it and that's okay isn't it? Making it the all the other guys fault is just plain stupid, and self serving, and extremely unrealistic.

Boy if simple conversation about sex drives you nuts then you ain't ready for ordinary people and should consider other options. Like porn, and masturbation or something safe like the priesthood.

I better go back and give Fr. Chuck a greenie for the last suggestion. Hang in there guy, eventually this will be water under the bridge, or you will meet a shy virgin.

Wonder where your fears come from. Why are you the way you are? Strict upbringing? Culture, what?

You let it go and deal with what's real. Tune out the noise and focus on what's important. Ever thought that a person opening up their most private things about themselves may be a good thing for them?

Be grateful for the honesty. It broadens your own awareness about the person, YOU, and the reality you live in. A counter balance to your incomplete knowledge, and experiences that grow YOU, and in time expand your comfort zone. You don't have to like it, or accept it for your own, just acknowledge that things exist, and deal with it.

I know I need to deal with it.
But that's exactly what I'm trying to find out.
How do I deal with it. What do I do?
I am trying to let it go and not think of it, but it randomly pops into my head and then again I need to spend time pushing it out. I feel I'm suddenly not focusing on her enough and losing interest in her because this is screwing my head and I don't want it to. I feel frustrated at her friends too for not taking care of her or stopping her when she was drunk and letting her go ahead with that person.
I don't want to lose her. She loves me and I love her and I just want to get this crap out of my head or push it aside with it not coming in randomly.
I don't know how to do that. That's what I need help with. How to deal with what I know.

when I introspect , it feels like its some kind of past possessiveness that I feel , that how could someone else who didn't deserve her, get her so easily.
And on other lines it feels like I'm jealous of the guy for getting a random girl whereas I could never do that in knowing someone for few hours.
And all cases of friends when they mentioned random people was when they Paid the girl for her services. So it was a prostitute who they got. That's the only thing I ever heard of before of strangers having sex.

So I don't know how to deal with this new feeling. I don't know if its jealousy, possessiveness or what. Im not insecure that she would ever do it again or would leave me. But I don't want to fight with her over this and push her away that's why asking for help here so I handle it myself rather than make her feel like crap about it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You let it go and deal with what's real. Tune out the noise and focus on what's important. Ever thought that a person opening up their most private things about themselves may be a good thing for them?

Be grateful for the honesty. It broadens your own awareness about the person, YOU, and the reality you live in. A counter balance to your incomplete knowledge, and experiences that grow YOU, and in time expand your comfort zone. You don't have to like it, or accept it for your own, just acknowledge that things exist, and deal with it.

When unwanted random thought pop in your head, have a chore that requires focus on hand to physically do. You keep doing it until it's a natural reaction. Eventually it will be easier to push unwanted thought away before they affect you. I think you have been told such thing before.

Thanks.
That's what I had been doing all day today whenever it bothered me.
It just gets a bit frustrating that she isn't here and I would get to see her only after 3 more months. The skyping bit and all is really depressing at times. And then my mind thinks such crap. I have never thought any crap when she is around. Its always perfect. Its been 2 weeks since she is away and slowly I've started breaking that's why this whole fiasco. Anyway, will deal with that hopefully.
Thanks again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

When unwanted random thought pop in your head, have a chore that requires focus on hand to physically do. You keep doing it until its a natural reaction. Eventually it will be easier to push unwanted thought away before they affect you. I think you have been told such thing before.