Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend's past bothers me

My girlfriend and I were talking the other night about how after having sex with each other we would only want to do it with someone we loved. I was a virgin until her and she had slept with 6 guys. I told her I had tried to have a prostate orgasm once, and told her I hope she didn't think that was weird. And she said no, I've done weird things in the past too. Stupidly I asked and I thought it would be about herself, but she told me her ex used to always want to Finish on her face when he finished, and one time he took a picture. I don't think she liked this and she told me he was very violent in sex and she didn't like it. He is clearly a sexual addict because she said he masturbated 7 times a day! But I don't understand why she would let someone do that to her and continue to stay with them. I was fine at first but now the thought of that comes up to me all the time. I have never done that to her because I felt like it was just in porn and kind of disrespectful. But I can't stop thinking about someone else doing that to her. I feel like if I was to do it to her I could replace the image of her and someone else with me and her. I only want to do it once, but I think that could take the negative imagery away. Would it be OK to ask her if I can do that and tell her why? I love this girl with all my heart and she knows I am not a disrespectful like a lot of people she has dated. I just don't want her to think I am a freak like her ex. I only want to do it to change my mental thoughts and I feel like if I knew I did that to her instead of someone else it would make everything better and I could get that out of my head

Er. I feel like if I was do do it to her I could replace the image of her and someone else with me and her. I only want to do it once, but I think that could take the negative imagery away.
Very wrong reason

Really?

She honestly told you how uncomfortable she was with this ex, who did things she did NOT like.

You have twisted that around to think that somehow you can put yourself in the position where the ex ejaculated in her face? Are you nuts? That will do what? Erase the past, correct the past, put you in the past instead of him?

You cannot correct this image of HER and HIM by putting you in it. That would be the worst possible degrading situation for this woman.

You talk about being respectful? Give me a break.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Really?

She honestly told you how uncomfortable she was with this ex, who did things she did NOT like.

You have twisted that around to think that somehow you can put yourself in the position where the ex ejaculated in her face? Are you nuts? That will do what? Erase the past, correct the past, put you in the past instead of him?

You cannot correct this image of HER and HIM by putting you in it. That would be the worst possible degrading situation for this woman.

You talk about being respectful? Give me a break.

Well I just don't understand why she would allow him to do it and stay with him. Wouldn't she tell him not to do it if she wasn't OK with it? She tells me how she feels about everything. Why would she subject herself to sex like that if she didn't like it?

Women often get in a stockholm situation in bad relationships, plus they often think they can change him. Those are two reasons women often stay in abusive relationships

Really bad idea, don't ask for permission to further degrade her. Definitely TMI, but the reasons she would endure this from someone may be deep seated and difficult for even her to understand. Perhaps she was in a bad place in her life, perhaps she thought she was in love with this guy, or she may have even had some sort of fear regarding him that made her not want to push back, I certainly hope it is not because she just lets people take advantage of her in this manner. You may never find out the reason, the fact is it happened and you have to deal with that knowledge.
It's her past, not your future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilikeskiing

Well I just don't understand why she would allow him to do it and stay with him. Wouldn't she tell him not to do it if she wasn't ok with it? She tells me how she feels about everything. Why would she subject herself to sex like that if she didn't like it?

He was violent towards her, especially during sex. Have you ever heard of the term rape? No, I'm not saying she was raped, but many women do things during sex, or allow someone to do things to them, because they're afraid to say no.

If you ask her to let you do this, you're just as bad as her ex.

If you can't handle her past, stop asking her questions about it.

If she liked the violent sex, she would either still be with him, or asking you for the same kind of sex.

She stated. according to you, that he was very violent during sex.

There is no question, or shouldn't be, that she was unhappy because of it, and I would bet all I own, that she would not want to repeat it. Especially for you to appease your very strange idea that it will somehow erase this man from YOUR memory, by replacing it with yourself.

Why didn't she stop him? How do you know she didn't. Maybe she stopped him by ending the relationship, because it was the ONLY way to stop him.

What you are suggesting in order to make yourself feel better about her past sexual history, is absolutely inconsiderate, and totally off the wall. I question your motives with this request, and I hope that if you do decide to bring it up, that you too, will see the end of the relationship.

It is the thinking, as much as the act, that this might somehow be okay, and you're confident enough to even bring it up with her as a real possibility.

If you THINK this way, and ACT this way, you are no better than the man she left before you. What difference does it make who's face will 'become the new memory', and what purpose would that serve to anybody.

I'm not sure this is all there is to your personal story in this sort of problem. To have so little insight into your thoughts and actions, and how they affect other people, is not something that develops overnight.

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Jake2008 again.

I completely agree.

How old are you both?

This is why you don't ask about previous sexual relationships. First off it is none of your business what she did before you, or what you did before her. Off limits. All you need to know is that she's been tested and she's clean. If she isn't then dealing with any Permanent STIs she or you might have.

There are two reasons that you don't talk about this and you've displayed why:
1). You'll feel inadequate and unable to please her because you're less experienced then her. What you've yet to find out is that everyone you sleep with, regardless of the genders involved, with feel different. I know this via experience. This will lead to a LOT of frustrations on both parts.
2). You'll feel weirded out by what they did in a previous relationship or you'll have misrepresentations of her based upon what happened. For example: Taking the money shot on their face in your case or having a threesome in example. One might think her a woman of ill-repute or come in with the expectation that she's okay with that. Preconceived notions and they'll really hurt your love life.

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube there isn't much you can do. So what can you do? Forget about this. A lot of what she was telling you was probably to hint at what she doesn't want or doesn't like. Take it as what is or is not in the comfort zone for her. Being in an abusive relationship is outside her comfort zone. Being spunked upon isn't something she wants to do any more.

These are you issues and forcing her to run through a list of depraved acts so you can have the person doing them to her in your mind be you isn't acceptable. What is acceptable is understanding what she's telling you and developing your sex life with her based on yours and hers desires and needs. Accepting that you're not going to do what she has done in the past.

As to your particular kink, perfectly normal. Be honest with her about it and you never know what might happen. Don't push it on her but accept if she says that she's not into it.