Ask Me Help Desk - Should I leave again?

I have been with my boyfriend for 10 long years I left last year for about 8 months because he was controlling and abusive and refused to keep a job. We have two children together and I decided to give him another chance because he was so persistent and really seemed to have changed however I have been back with him for almost a year now and things are not going well he is controlling and sometimes abusive and he drinks too much he is very jealous all reasons I left last time. I don't want to have to break up our family again but I am really unhappy should I feel guilty to leave?

He's abusive and controlling. Why would you feel guilty leaving a man like that? Leaving is the right thing to do, not only for yourself, but for your children too.

Ultimately this is your decision, and only you can make it, but you asked, and my answer is to leave, based on what you've written.

What you need to feel is what is in the best interest of your kids. Back years ago couples 'stayed for the sake of the kids' but now that really isn't a good idea nowadays with kids having to see and grow up with the abuse and drunkenness.
It wasn't good back then but I do believe in this day and age it is more wise to move on.

Thank you I completely agree with both of you and that notion that staying for the sake of the kids is a good thing is something that weighs on my mind but your right it is better for them not to see their father and I fighting all the time.

Of course you leave... AGAIN. But this time stay gone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LULU42

Thank you I completely agree with both of you and that notion that staying for the sake of the kids is a good thing is something that weighs on my mind but your right it is better for them not to see their father and I fighting all the time.

Think of it this way. They see their father being abusive to their mother. They see how he treats you. They see him sitting around doing nothing (you said he doesn't work). They're learning how to behave in a relationship by watching you and their father.

Most behaviors are learned. Do you want your kids to learn to be like him, or do you want them to have a healthy view on relationships?

I stayed together for the sake of the kids from 1986 to 1991. Back then divorce was basically unheard of in a sense. I woke up one day and realized how is this really helping the kids, It doesn't work and you've wasted all those years.

If you value your children you leave and stay gone.

I don't know if you have boys, girls, or one of each. But do you want them growing up thinking this is normal? If you have boys, do you want them to grow up and treat their girlfriends like you are treated? If you have girls, do you want them to grow up being treated the way you are treated?

It doesn't matter how old they are. A child's brain is a sponge. It holds on to everything.

If you want to set a good example for your children you will be a strong woman and leave this abusive relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

If you value your children you leave and stay gone.

I don't know if you have boys, girls, or one of each. But do you want them growing up thinking this is normal? If you have boys, do you want them to grow up and treat their girlfriends like you are treated? If you have girls, do you want them to grow up being treated the way you are treated?

It doesn't matter how old they are. A child's brain is a sponge. It holds on to everything.

If you want to set a good example for your children you will be a strong woman and leave this abusive relationship.

I hear you for sure I have one of each 7 year old boy 3 year old girl I hope and pray they do not carry this into adulthood and into their own relationships later. I just hope its not too late.

It's not too late if you break the cycle NOW!

You've done it before, you can do it again. This time make it permanent.

He will beg you to come back. He will promise to change. He might change, but that is not a permanent change. He will revert. I promise you.

Keep in mind what is the most important thing in your life. Your children.

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

It's not too late if you break the cycle NOW!

You've done it before, you can do it again. This time make it permanent.

He will beg you to come back. He will promise to change. He might change, but that is not a permanent change. He will revert. I promise you.

Keep in mind what is the most important thing in your life. Your children.

Yes he does that the begging and crying I don't get it why not just change for real or leave me alone if he says he loves me so much. And the worst part is I actually feel bad for him. Do I just cut off all contact with him when I leave? He is good to my children and they really love him he is just awful to me so I don't want to take him completely out of their lives.

He can get child support and visitation through the courts but like any DIVORCED couple you have to co parent without the romance. Well you didn't have romance any way so keep it strictly about the kids.

Set some boundaries between you. Enforce them. No none of this will be easy.

This is the circle of abuse. They beg and cry, then you come back and everything is fine for a while. That's called the honeymoon phase. But that doesn't last long before he's drinking and abusive again. It doesn't matter if it's verbal abuse or physical abuse. It's abuse nonetheless.

If he were good to his children he would not treat their mother the way he does.

You need to get your ducks in a row.

1) Leave. Cut all contact.
2) File for custody and support.
3) Continue no contact.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

He can get child support and visitation thru the courts but like any DIVORCED couple you have to co parent without the romance. Well you didn't have romance any way so keep it strictly about the kids.

Set some boundaries between you. Enforce them. No none of this will be easy.

I know it will be really hard but your totally right about the boundaries I have its hard not to let someone in that's been in your life for so long but at this point I am ready to set and enforce them thanks

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

This is the circle of abuse. They beg and cry, then you come back and everything is fine for a while. That's called the honeymoon phase. But that doesn't last long before he's drinking and abusive again. It doesn't matter if it's verbal abuse or physical abuse. It's abuse nonetheless.

If he were good to his children he would not treat their mother the way he does.

You need to get your ducks in a row.

1) Leave. Cut all contact.
2) File for custody and support.
3) Continue no contact.

Story of my life this cycle I am done with it thank you your advice has been very helful sometimes when your in a relationship like this its good to hear that your not just crazy and alone in it.

No, girl! You aren't crazy. But believe it or not, and this is not a put-down, you are brainwashed.

He has effectively brainwashed you to think he loves you and that he will change. He has brainwashed you into thinking that he is a good father and loves his children. None of that is true and you know it.

You are finally waking up from this fog that he has held you captive in.

10 years in a relationship that produced two children, is a lot to just walk away from, no matter how good your reasons are.

I agree that children seeing two parents at war, physically and otherwise, is unhealthy, and teaches them that that is how relationships are between parents. It is not okay for two adults to continue a war zone, while children are directly involved.

That being said, other than leaving, do you have any other thoughts on what might prompt change. Have you considered counseling? If the two of you can learn how to communicate without anger and ultimatums, it may go a long way in saving the relationship.

People can learn how to control themselves. You say he is controlling and jealous and 'sometimes abusive' whatever that means, and he drinks too much. The last time you took him back, you said he had changed. What does that mean. Did he express what he's changed about himself enough to convince you that he CAN change? Or was he insincere, and you were doubtful, and it ended up how you thought it would anyway.

Why do you think that he can't keep a job. If he can get a job, what prevents him from keeping one do you think. What problems does he have with others that are the same things you see in your relationship with him.

He is a good father, and he'll probably be a good father whether you stay together or not, which is a good thing for them.

Can you provide any further detail?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

10 years in a relationship that produced two children, is a lot to just walk away from, no matter how good your reasons are.

I agree that children seeing two parents at war, physically and otherwise, is unhealthy, and teaches them that that is how relationships are between parents. It is not okay for two adults to continue a war zone, while children are directly involved.

That being said, other than leaving, do you have any other thoughts on what might prompt change. Have you considered counseling? If the two of you can learn how to communicate without anger and ultimatums, it may go a long way in saving the relationship.

People can learn how to control themselves. You say he is controlling and jealous and 'sometimes abusive' whatever that means, and he drinks too much. The last time you took him back, you said he had changed. What does that mean. Did he express what he's changed about himself enough to convince you that he CAN change? Or was he insincere, and you were doubtful, and it ended up how you thought it would anyway.

Why do you think that he can't keep a job. If he can get a job, what prevents him from keeping one do you think. What problems does he have with others that are the same things you see in your relationship with him.

He is a good father, and he'll probably be a good father whether you stay together or not, which is a good thing for them.

Can you provide any further detail?

What I meant by sometimes abusive was that he is physically abusive sometimes mostly when he drinks heavily. Last time I took him back he had gotten a job took responsibility for the wrongs he had done and seemed sincerely sorry for the way he had treated me he wasn't jealous of my relationships with my friends, he was a whole new person and I wanted to believe it was real but now it is clear to me that it wasn't I can't even visit a friend without him freaking out last time I went to visit one of my best friends he made it very clear to me that was unacceptable. I don't know how we could work through it believe me I wish it wasn't the case because I do love him but I can't be happy with him because he really couldn't care less about my happiness he really only cares about keeping me under his control. And I honestly don't know why he can't keep a job he will have one for a while and everything seems to be going great and then he will just stop going.