Hi, the last couple days my boyfriend of 4 years has been acting different so I looked through his phone ( I know bad idea) but then I saw a number he has been talking to a lot but all the messages were deleted. I then asked him about it, said it was another girl then he tells me he is not happy, and that I show no love for him? He is my everything we also have a 10 month old son together. He thinks he has done nothing wrong and I tell him that its fine that he talked to another girl but he was hiding it from me and that is what I'm mad about. Not sure what to do, all we keep thinking about is our son and what is best for him. I don't want to keep saying sorry which he was in the wrong, but I would do anything to keep my family together but if he is not happy is it worth trying? Thank you

Perhaps you can start with a good long talk about changes couples go through when they have a child - a mother often devotes more time and affection to child that had been for her man. Father might be jealous. Mother is more tired for a while after giving birth. Mother begins to realize that she is tied to the house, while Dad can go out, and she gets resentful and jealous. These are all old, old problems that can be solved, but it takes a lot of work and careful compromise and understanding. One of the biggest tests of maturity you will both have.

Put any idea of him actually cheating (which he may not have done at all) on the back burner! Have those talks over a week or two and answer back (or sooner if you want).

Yes, it's worth trying. Maybe consider something like this to get him more involved in family life --

What my husband and I had agreed to after our first son was born was that I got two evenings a week to myself to go to the mall or go out with the girls or go the library or whatever, and he stayed home with the baby (after I was confident he knew how to diaper and feed and soothe a crying child). That worked for both of us, giving me some freedom away from home and giving my husband a taste of what it was like to care for a baby (and be a father).

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Originally Posted by joypulv

Perhaps you can start with a good long talk about changes couples go through when they have a child - a mother often devotes more time and affection to child that had been for her man. Father might be jealous. Mother is more tired for a while after giving birth. Mother begins to realize that she is tied to the house, while Dad can go out, and she gets resentful and jealous. These are all old, old problems that can be solved, but it takes a lot of work and careful compromise and understanding. One of the biggest tests of maturity you will both have.

Put any idea of him actually cheating (which he may not have done at all) on the back burner! Have those talks over a week or two and answer back (or sooner if you want).

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Thank you so much, was very helpful.

There are no options here. The child has to come first. What the two of you need to figure out is, what is in the best interests of this baby.

The two of you need to either parent together, or co-parent, apart. That there is now another woman in the picture with your boyfriend, and he is unhappy, and doesn't think he's done anything wrong, as you've said, doesn't make for a happy family situation.

You tell him it's fine that he talked to another girl, and you apologize for questioning him.

The two of you are creating a cocktail for disaster, and an innocent child will be at the core of whatever you and your boyfriend decide to do. and will be, for many, many years to come.

My advice to you is to prepare for your own future, on your own, under your own steam. I don't know what kind of education you have, but get more of it. Find a way to support yourself, no matter what you do, because you are the one that will be supporting this child. I would not count on support, although I certainly encourage you to fight for it.

If your life together with your boyfriend does not include at solid commitment, and respect toward you, and he's unhappy (so what) with you and his life, you need to set some standards for your own life. And that of this baby.

Counselling might be in order, but my honest opinion is, that there was not a solid enough foundation for this relationship to survive, let alone with a baby now in the picture.

His reaction to not getting attention because of a new baby is unacceptable. He better grow up and find some good clean adult ways to cope and you should appreciate when he does, and let him have hell when he doesn't.

Maybe he should babysit more and whine to girls less. You deserve a break today.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

His reaction to not getting attention because of a new baby is unacceptable. He better grow up and find some good clean adult ways to cope and you should appreciate when he does, and let him have hell when he doesn't.

Maybe he should babysit more and whine to girls less. You deserve a break today.

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Thank you, that made my day

Many parents go through a feeling of distance after the first baby. He is not looking to solve your problems but run or hide. F he was looking fir solutions he would try to help out, look for a baby sitter so you could have a date night. He would realize love isn't about happy and all the bubbly feelings, rather commitment, sacrifice and a desire to make the relationship work.

Just remember what the goal is - to solve this without compromising your integrity by apologizing to keep him, yet to solve this without driving him away unless you are prepared for it.
Plan. Talk. Prepare. Talk. Keep your options open. Talk some more.
"Don't make decisions by default." That means don't let yourself get to a state that you had no choice in. If you can work it out, good for the child. If you leave him, have it all arranged and keep him as the father only. If he leaves you, be prepared.