Ask Me Help Desk - Heartbroken, Husband cheated, don't know what to do

My husband and I were friends for 2 years before we started dating. We had the same religious and moral values. I was a virgin, he was the first man I ever trusted (I was molested when I was 8, so I have several trust issues), the reason why I trusted him, was because we thought the same way about things, life. He is also the only person I ever told about the molestation at age 8. When I ask him why he cheated on me, he says it was because I didn't put him first, he didn't get enough sex, and I worked all the time. The ironic thing is my family and friends tell me I never put them first, I always put him first. We had been married for 5 years, had sex 3 times a week at least. And, yes I worked a lot to pay for him to go back to college, a new truck, a new boat, a trip to europe. The woman he had the affair with was a co-worker, who I had told him the day I meet her that she wanted him. His response was I was crazy, she was married and to religious for anything like that. Now when I look back I think they were having an affair the whole time we were together, they both deny this and say it was only a couple of months. He has begged me to give him a second chance, and I am really trying to work on our marriage, but I just don't trust him. I do love him, he is the only man I have ever cared about at all, that just makes it hurt worst. What should I do? It has been 5 months and I still feel like dying.:(

Honestly, It is time for a divorce. The trust is broken. You both took vows to each other. Your husband excuses are awful.

I normally say counseling is needed by both. That is up to you. I usually say do this first and see where it goes, because trust can eventually be rebuilt if both work at it.

Honestly in my opinion, this is an end all deal.

I am really sorry to hear about what happened to you no matter what counseling is good for you to go through.

You can pick yourself up and move on or grow more. Do not let this end your trust for others.

Best wishes.

Joe

I am so sorry, I can hear your pain from the words in your post :(
Im sorry.

In my books, once a partner cheats, the trust barrier is broken and your relationship will never be the same. Im sure you know that.

I personally would have a short break, move in with friends or family for a week or so and have time to think thoroughly of what you want to achieve out of this broken relationship.
Another thing I can assume you may decide to follow is you both go to marriage counseling. See how that goes, and work through it together.

I am so sorry. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

Im afraid to say that in my books - once a cheater always a cheater.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mayea1

My husband and I were friends for 2 years before we started dating. We had the same religious and moral values. I was a virgin, he was the first man I ever trusted (I was molested when I was 8, so I have several trust issues), the reason why I trusted him, was because we thought the same way about things, life. He is also the only person I ever told about the molestation at age 8. When I ask him why he cheated on me, he says it was because I didn't put him first, he didn't get enough sex, and I worked all the time. The ironic thing is my family and friends tell me I never put them first, I always put him first. We had been married for 5 years, had sex 3 times a week at least. And, yes I worked alot to pay for him to go back to college, a new truck, a new boat, a trip to europe. The woman he had the affair with was a co-worker, who I had told him the day I meet her that she wanted him. His response was I was crazy, she was married and to religious for anything like that. Now when I look back I think they were having an affair the whole time we were together, they both deny this and say it was only a couple of months. He has begged me to give him a second chance, and I am really trying to work on our marriage, but I just don't trust him. I do love him, he is the only man I have ever cared about at all, that just makes it hurt worst. What should I do? It has been 5 months and I still feel like dying.:(

I am so sorry you are hurting. 5 months is a long time to be carrying this around and not seeking some help to figure out where you go from here.

Yes, he broke your trust. This is a huge issue and I understand your pain. But, I don't necessarily think this cannot be salvaged, if you want to try to salvage your marriage. He wants you to give him another chance. You love him. Do you want to try to work this out? Do you want to attempt to save your marriage?

If you do, then you both need to search out a marriage counselor. If you are both religious, you may want to start with your local church. If you don't want to seek someone out in your church, then you need to find a marriage counselor/therapist. You need to find some answers. You both need to find out why he broke your trust and if there is any hope of rebuilding it. The response that he gave you as to the "why" is pure baloney. Something else is going on here and you need him to be honest with you. There is a definite breakdown in communication that needs to be reestablished. An objective third party can help you achieve this.

Honey, please seriously consider what I am suggesting. You are hanging in limbo here and will continue to do so until you actively seek some help to make positive changes in your life. Stop wallowing in sef-pity and get yourself some constructive help.

I just hate it when I don't agree with you guys.

I believe everyone deserves a second chance.

I know it hurts, it's devastating but are you sure you want to just throw away everything you had together. Is there a faint chance that you might be able to sit down and talk it over openly and honestly before making any final decisions.

You didn't disagree with me Blue Rose. You and I are on the same page here. :)

I know exactly how you feel. Not to long ago, I was feeling the same thing. I was at a point where I couldn't function anymore. I was devastated. I cried myself to sleep at night and before my feet hit the ground, I was crying again. It is an awful feeling and something I never want to feel again.

The first thing you need to do is ask yourself some hard questions. Why do you want to make this work? Can you ever trust him again? Can you forgive him? Things like that.
It has been 5 months - what is he doing to make this work. He has done something really wrong and he needs to show you everyday that he is sorry and he loves you. Is he doing that?
To wrap your brain around an affair is so difficult. You have given 100% of yourself to this person and they betrayed you. Hurt you so deeply. To try and understand that is darn near impossible. But, I can tell you, it doesn't not help to dwell on it. If you still have questions about the affair - then you need to sit down and get everything out and he needs to be as honest as possible. Once you have done that and you feel like you have got all the questions answered and you still want to move forward - then that is what you need to do. Put this in the past if you are going to move forward.
And that isn't to say - just forgive and forget. I'm just saying that it is more harmful to continue to torture yourself. If you can not get over it - then you may need to walk away.

Hi , concerning adultery, out of experience I can truly say that I know what you meant when you say you feel like dying, that is the way how I felt. You say you were religious, did you perphaps worshiped Jesus? If so, that is a good thing, I once felt like my whole world came to an end, I turned to God and he lightened my burden not in my time but in His time. The best advice I can give you is to put your problems in God's hands, He knows best

Quote:

Originally Posted by mayea1

My husband and I were friends for 2 years before we started dating. We had the same religious and moral values. I was a virgin, he was the first man I ever trusted (I was molested when I was 8, so I have several trust issues), the reason why I trusted him, was because we thought the same way about things, life. He is also the only person I ever told about the molestation at age 8. When I ask him why he cheated on me, he says it was because I didn't put him first, he didn't get enough sex, and I worked all the time. The ironic thing is my family and friends tell me I never put them first, I always put him first. We had been married for 5 years, had sex 3 times a week at least. And, yes I worked alot to pay for him to go back to college, a new truck, a new boat, a trip to europe. The woman he had the affair with was a co-worker, who I had told him the day I meet her that she wanted him. His response was I was crazy, she was married and to religious for anything like that. Now when I look back I think they were having an affair the whole time we were together, they both deny this and say it was only a couple of months. He has begged me to give him a second chance, and I am really trying to work on our marriage, but I just don't trust him. I do love him, he is the only man I have ever cared about at all, that just makes it hurt worst. What should I do? It has been 5 months and I still feel like dying.:(

See a counselor.

This takes too much of your precious time and you are going in circles.
Get some help and talk about it with a marriage counselor.

If your husband wants to make it work, he probably would not mind going to a counselor.

Good luck...