I am in a very tough situation with my girlfriend. We have been together for almost two years now. Her husband died of a rare disease just about 5 years ago. From all the stories I have heard from her family and our mutual friends that knew him, he was a wonderful man that everybody loved to be around. They were together for about 12 years, the last two of which were spent battling his illness. I understand that she stayed alone for 3 years prior to meeting me. When we first met, we hit it off greatly. We had talked a lot about the man and their relationship, mostly because of their teenage daughter, and the stories I had been told from friends.

I struggled a little at first with hearing the stories from her, because my mind would always try to compare myself to him and I would feel inferior at times, but she would constantly reassure me that she loved me for who I am and she loved him for who he was. Our relationship has been growing stronger over time. We moved in together about 6 months ago and I have slowly assumed the role of the man of the house, meaning I take care of the dirty work and do my best to keep a stable environment for the family. We all get along great, but from time to time I'll see a new picture of her husband displayed in the living room or hallway. I don't think I should let this bother me, but I'm reluctant to bring it up to her.

Also, we are friends on Facebook, however she doesn't like me to post anything there that would allude to us being in a relationship because there are so many family members from his side of the family that would object. She claims it is a cultural thing, that his family believes that she should never have a relationship again and that she is forever devoted to her husband, dead or alive. I don't fully understand this concept, but I try not to let that bother me either.

I can relate a lot to this person's questions. Am I in a healthy long-term relationship that I envision right now, or am I just sharing time with someone who I'll never be able to marry or have devoted to me as her only man?

I can understand the feelings of always seeming to competing with the past, or being compared to someone else, but given the circumstances, its better I think to ease into the position of MAN of the house and help make everyone's transition smoother, especially yours.

Put aside your fears for the moment and honor her position of keeping everyone else out of her business as you both try to come together and build a life for yourselves. Do not make this a bigger deal than it need be because she does have a child to be concerned about, and it's the child that may need to get over the loss more than she does.

I think that the way to NOT replace a loss, but be a gain. When mother and daughter are ready to fully let go, they will and be grateful for the blessings you bring. So reconcile the conflict within you, and proceed slowly. Worry less about the future, and more about blending, healing and supporting as its obvious 3 years is not enough for them both.

It was probably a huge step for her to date, and even a bigger step for her to live with you. Don't make her constantly have to reassure you too. What's the hurry, show patience. She obviously has a lot of adjusting to do from a life changing event like death, and a daughter who still has to deal with the old life, and old relatives in a big way.

I doubt she wants to rock the boat, or completely shut out the past as thoroughly or a fast as you want her too. She just cannot. With a death, family will feel like it's a second death when a lost one is replaced. I don't think it's just a matter of culture, but more grief and mourning.

What cultural considerations are at play here?

That could be a very important factor in developing any relationship.

Perhaps these cultural things need to be explained to you so you can know what you're dealing with. You're living with her, have been with her almost two years. Does her family / inlaw family know you exist?

Her side of the family lives locally and they all know about me. They like me for the most part, but even from them I can sense a lot of respect for her husband. The in-law family lives out of state so the only interaction they have with my girlfriend and her daughter is via Facebook, or an annual visit to Hawaii for the memorial of her husband. They have no idea that I exist and it seems that she goes out of her way to keep it that way.

The in-law family is native Hawaiian and she told me that they are the ones that are strict about the one-relationship policy. I would assume they just want her to be happy and cared for, but from what she tells me it is way more than that.

Then I would want to know from her how long she is going to continue to lie to them. Is it her plan to keep you secret forever? This is not so much her ex's ghost but her not wanting to stand up to his family. If they love her, they will want her to be happy. If she is ready for a new life, she will let her in law family know.

Take her word for it and respect she is protecting herself from her own family and however they my retaliate, or harass her or her daughter. I doubt they would go along with her living with you is my impression.

Perhaps she is not ready to let go.

But they don't even know he exist. I can understand her not wanting her in laws to know she is living with someone one, but I don't understand why she is lying to them. Her family knows about him and has no problem.

Its her family, and she knows them well enough I think to be given the latitude to decide how she deals with them, lie or not. It may be as simple as an inheritance for her, and her daughter, or their influence for whatever reason. Only she knows so why assume its anything other than what she has stated?

They may be the family from hell that she keeps at a safe distance for her own sanity.

That could be true but she should at least let him know what's up so he can decide if he wants to continue in this. That is his question after all
Am I in a healthy long-term relationship that I envision right now, or am I just sharing time with someone who I'll never be able to marry or have devoted to me as her only man?

That's the whole point of living together isn't it? To determine whether this will be healthy marriage or not. And how they communicate and resolve their issues to the benefit of both? This seems to be a challenge in how they deal with each other, and they learn more about each other.

At this early stage, trust and an open mind as he gathers more facts to answer his questions should be the goal. At 6 months its still a risk, and an experiment whether they can build something other than play house, and define the conditions for more commitment than they have so far. The real question is she worth the risk to find out?

They have been together almost 2 years they have been living together 6 months. I agree with what you are saying but I do think he needs to know how long she is going to continue this charade. She has been seeing him for almost 2 years and that family does not know he exist.