Ask Me Help Desk - Am I supposed to initiate intimacy all the time?

I've been married for 13 years. My wife has never had a high libido. It has always been low. We did not have sex while we were dating, she wanted to wait until marriage for religious reasons. I can understand that, but there's a level of unfairness to me. I didn't know what I was getting completely.

We have four kids. I know that they keep us both busy. Even when I was a stay-at-home-dad, I still wanted it more than her.

I have spent increasing time over our marriage acting out. I have never fully cheated on her, but I have spent increasing time looking at porn, video chats, strip clubs, massage parlors, online chatting and sexting. I am doing all I can now to cope with my problems, including going to 12 step meetings, seeing a psychiatrist, seeing a counselor, working with a 12-step sponsor and opening myself up emotionally to others (family members, old & new friends).

Yet I resent my wife for her low libido. I feel that I work hard at my job, at being a father and being there for her in every way I can.

I feel like I wouldn't be tempted to stray if not for her low sex drive. If she were more accessible, then maybe I would feel satiated. I did not struggle with the things I do before I was with her.

Now she tells me that she does not feel the drive to initiate it, that she enjoys it once we get started, but that a woman doesn't initiate it. She does not enjoy any form of oral sex.

I want passion. I want to feel desired. I love her dearly and respect her completely. I'm at the point where I don't want to be sexual with her for a long time, for a lot of different reasons.

Help. What do I do?

So how often do you have sex, what are your ages.

But if you are doing porn and going to massage parlors no wonder she will not want anything now.

Also what about her ? Marriage is a compromise, so give us more about the details

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I've been married for 13 years. My wife has never had a high libido. It has always been low. We did not have sex while we were dating, she wanted to wait until marriage for religious reasons. I can understand that, but there's a level of unfairness to me. I didn't know what I was getting completely.

During your courtship, why did you feel that she was obligated to have sex with you. That seems pretty selfish if you ask me. As Chuck said, any relationship is about respect and compromise. If you can't respect her decisions without resenting them then why are you there?

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We have four kids. I know that they keep us both busy. Even when I was a stay-at-home-dad, I still wanted it more than her.

This isn't unusual. Men tend to have show a higher libido. Which isn't to say that have the higher libido, but they're more likely to act upon it because it is expected.

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I have spent increasing time over our marriage acting out. I have never fully cheated on her, but I have spent increasing time looking at porn, video chats, strip clubs, massage parlors, online chatting and sexting. I am doing all I can now to cope with my problems, including going to 12 step meetings, seeing a psychiatrist, seeing a counselor, working with a 12-step sponsor and opening myself up emotionally to others (family members, old & new friends).

Good on you for getting help for a problem you believe you have. There are legitimate outlets for your sexual frustration. Porn and a good masturbation session for example. You need to be the person you want to be. Good on you for taking that first step.

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Yet I resent my wife for her low libido. I feel that I work hard at my job, at being a father and being there for her in every way I can.

So because you've been a good husband and father you deserve a cookie? Really? If you didn't sound selfish beforehand you certainly do now. You do what is expected of you and you expect her to lay on her back, spread her legs for you? Good grief man.

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I feel like I wouldn't be tempted to stray if not for her low sex drive. If she were more accessible, then maybe I would feel satiated. I did not struggle with the things I do before I was with her.

This putting a hell of a lot victim guilt on her. If she was more accessible? Really? You would cheat on her and blame her in the same breath for your infidelity because she wouldn't give it to you. How about if you had a little more self control and actually followed all that love honour and obey stuff they said at your wedding.

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Now she tells me that she does not feel the drive to initiate it, that she enjoys it once we get started, but that a woman doesn't initiate it. She does not enjoy any form of oral sex.

I want passion. I want to feel desired. I love her dearly and respect her completely. I'm at the point where I don't want to be sexual with her for a long time, for a lot of different reasons.

I saw this great picture a while back. Two panels. The first is captioned, "How to turn on a man" and it was a picture of a single switch. The second panel was captioned, "How to turn on a woman", and it was a picture of a horribly complex switchboard with knobs and dials and switches and all that. Which leads me to a question: Do you actually know how to turn on your wife? Or do you just sling out your junk and expect her to worship it? How well do you know your wife sexually?

As well, everyone has their sexual preferences. Some like oral, others don't. Some like anal and others don't. Some like to dress up like president nixon with a strap on, and most people don't.

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Help. What do I do?

First take some personal accountability for yourself. You've started on this path already. You're getting counselling and working on yourself. This is a good start. You need to start couples counselling as well. You need to relearn how to work as a couple, both in the bedroom and out. This will help with the communication as well acceptance of gender roles and how to deal with all this stuff.

There isn't a lot wrong here, you both need a little tweaking. Good luck.

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What do I do?

You divorce her. That's what you do. She's too good for you.

All I see is I want... I expect... I want. You've conveniently cut your wife to the quick with your expectations, yet you haven't said a good thing about her.

I don't blame her for not wanting to lay on her back and spread her legs for you. You are nothing more than a slimy cheater who has no respect for the woman you married.

Good for you that you have admitted that you have a problem. You've admitted that to us. Have you admitted that to her?

From your post it appears that you expect and expect and expect, but give nothing in return.

Being a stay at home dad isn't easy. I'll admit that because my husband is. I work over 46 hours a week, nights. 7pm to 7am. I'm rarely in "the mood."

I like Craven't analogy of the pictures of the man's brain and the woman's. It's totally true. To get a woman in the mood for sex you have to start in the morning and go all day long. In a man's world all that has to be done is for the woman to bend over and pick something up off the floor.

I appreciate you are getting help, but you sound like a real tool.

Other than the sex issue, how is your relationship with your wife?

How old are you both?

Have you spoken to her about your feelings?

I can understand you wanting to feel passion and desired, however, getting that feeling from other women while being married is not fair to your wife.

How often do you have sex with your wife?

What are her excuses for her lack of sex drive? Or have you asked her? Are you romantic or do you just act like come and get it cause I need it?
There are things that can be done for a low libido. You can talk with her or get counseling if she is having 'a religious' hang up that could be lingering over subconsciously from her young age. Going about it as if she is your problem isn't going to get you any cookies.