I need some serious advice. Last night my husband and I were discussing our
Day at work. He proceeds to mention to me that he and a female subordinate have
A wager on who can loose the most weight in one month. If he wins he will get
An Eddie George Jersey. If she wins she wanted a Coach purse. He then states “
That he didn't want to do that because it would be too expensive". At the end
Of this comment, I am seeing red. I walked away to cool off, but later that
Night I confronted him about this bet thing. I told him that he needs to set
Clear boundaries with the women he works with. If this married women wants to
Have a $300 purse she can ask her husband to give it to her and if he wants a
New Jersey he has a wife he can ask. Am I off base? I feel it is entirely
Inappropriate for a man to buy another man's wife a purse or anything else for
That matter and vise versa. Bet or no bet. What would her husband say if she
Walks into the house with her new purse form her boss and how does he think I
Would feel with him walking into the house with new clothes from a women at
Work. He said I was over reacting, but he went silent when I asked him how he
Would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.Did I over react or are there just
Some things married people just shouldn't do. I don't think I should be OK with
My husband buying another women anything.

Thanks
GG

It's a bet...

They could have bet about other things... and he stated at the end of his conversation with you that he thinks it is too expensive... so he made a point.

Take a deep breath.
Don't make a huge deal out of it.
He has done nothing wrong.

And in this case.. yeah, I get the feeling you were overreacting a little bit.
Which is understandable... but he did not do anything wrong.
And in his honesty he shared it with you.

Sometimes when we don't like thing it helps to talk about this in a calm way.. overreacting or "seeing red" is not helping... it may lead you to the opposite and I think that is just what you don't want.

Take a deep breath and try to explain it in a calm way.
Good luck !

Quote:

---

or are there just
Some things married people just shouldn’t do.

---

I forgot one thing... sorry.

You ask a serious question... "are there certain things married people just shouldn't do".

Quite frankly I think that there are no rules here.
It is simply what works between the two people who are married as long as they are together in agreement with whatever they agree upon.

Marriage is between two people and if they agree upon certain things without losing love or respect for each other I think it's fine.

Does this make sense to you ?

It's a bet between two peoiple. I do believe a new Coach purse is a tad over the line - things should have been discussed as to monetary limits. When I was married, if I came home with such a purse, my husband would have had more than a few choice words. He would have taken the purse and returned it or thrown it out in the garbage. You said your piece about it, now let it go. Your husband wants to bet with his co-worker, I would not make any more of this.

If my (late) husband came home with the same scenario I would have said, "Well, you better start hitting the gym and get with the dieting! Hop to it buddy! Expect carrot sticks for dinner because I am not going to let you lose any money!" We would have laughed about it and I would have actively helped him win the bet.

You seem to be making this sound like a sexual thing. It isn't. Please believe that.

He is the boss, he makes more money, she or he assumed that the "prize" should be something that would hurt his pocket. The reason they both made the bet was to give them each a darned good reason to lose weight. She now has "the golden ring" that will give her the impetus to really try (Coach bag). He now has a very expensive reason, to win the bet. They were trying to help each other out and give each a good solid reason to stick to their diets.

Getting upset with your husband is definitely an overreaction. If it was anything more than a competition, he would not have told you about it. You chose to read something slimy into it and make him feel terrible about something that he was having fun with.

You need to do some soul searching here. Why are you so jealous? Don't you trust him? This reaction doesn't bode well for your relationship. You really need to find your sense of humor here and help him achieve his weight goal and not undermine what he is trying to achieve. Sorry, but since you did ask our opinions, my opinion is that you actually owe him an apology.

We used to often bet on things at work, (ok mostly sports things) but I have had bets before with co-workers on who could lose the most weight.

If your husband was really on a diet and you could tell he was trying to loose weight, then this would have been a real bet. If he is still stuffing his face and had no idea of really losing weight, then it is not a real bet.

If 300 is not a lot of money to you all ( it is to me, but to my new boss it may not be a lot of money) so if he makes a couple hundred thousand a year, a 300 bet is not much, if he is making 30,000 a year it is way to large for a company bet.

So if this was a real bet, I don't see a issue if that is all it was, if it was not a real bet, Perhaps they should have made it a more company wide or department wide thing.

I think you are just jealous that he's interacting with this female co-worker. I have a feeling that even if he just bet a free lunch, you would still be upset at him going for lunch with a "strange woman".

However -

It's a somewhat large bet, and something quite personal and non-work related. I wouldn't be concerned about the marriage, I would be concerned that this activity between a manager and employee could be viewed as inappropriate behaviour in the workplace.

Ya, they're friendly now, but when she's mad at him about something later, will this come back to haunt him?

With all due respect philly, I think you are off base on this one. How can something like this come back to haunt him? In what way exactly? Yes, it was a personal bet. But, so what? As I said, if he had something to hide, he wouldn't have said anything. They have a good working relationship. Why do people always read more into stuff like this? I am truly at a loss. I can't be the only one who had a marriage based on trust. Unless there is more to the story, it sounds perfectly innocent to me. People in offices make bets to lose weight all the time.

Hello gg:

What about marital boundaries? Well, what about 'em?

I agree with you absolutely that one should not violate marital boundaries. I also agree that one should not make them up as one goes along.

The only marital bounds that I know he made (presuming you had somewhat of an ordinary American service), is that he's committed to you until death. In my view, wagering with a female co-worker isn't contrary to his commitment. Frankly, it's not even close. Diddling her would be close.

However, if you have a list of specific activities that he may not participate in because it would violate that commitment, then write them down and negotiate them one by one. If he violates any of them (if he's still around) after the fact, you'll have a legitimate complaint. Until then, you don't.

excon

I agree with your view. There are several things that would make me feel the same way you do. If something makes one person in a marriage upset, the other person, out of respect to their spouse, should condsider this issue off limits. You've made valid points. If you are not a person that typically reacts irrationally when it comes to other women, he should realize you are not just making this another irrational issue.

I do think this type of bet should be a non personal, same level sort of thing. Especially between male and female and subordinate/boss situations. For example: $1 dollar per pound lost by one person, more than the other.

Just because this is an emotional issue, does not mean it is not valid. Nor does it have to be validated by the other person to be a genuine concern.

*scratches head* * shakes head*

I don't discount the validity of the issue. GG obviously has a problem with it and is concerned. I just don't get the jealousy take at all, and that really does seem to be the issue more than the cost of the bag. Unless there is something deeper here, I just think she needs to lighten up about this and make sure her husband doesn't lose the bet. Encourage him to win. Is something wrong with me? It just seems like such an unhappy way to go about life. If the shoe were on the other foot, and I made the bet and came home with a Coach bag, my husband would have been showing it off to our family and friends and laughing about it. Where is the teamwork here that is supposed to go on in a marriage?

P.S. gg, this is a post I think you might want to look at. It states pretty much my views on your situation. Communication, trust, working together.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ted-73732.html

Although it doesn't mention it, one of the things you always have to remember is to pick and choose your battles wisely. If you really believe this is something that you feel strongly about, you need to have a heart to heart with your husband, without getting angry and defensive. Clear the air.

No, I don't think there is anything wrong with you RubyPitbull...

Although I feel sorry that CG feels this way it also feels the this is getting heavier and heavier...

Help the man to loose weight, OK so he made a bet and later realised: oops, this was a bit of an expensive bag that I agreed to buy when I loose...
So... he made a mistake...
You are still a team, you are married.. if the man had secrets he would not even tell his wife...

Relax...

It sounds like you are extremely insecure in your relationship. Do you have reason to be so jealous? Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. I personally wouldn't have been too happy at the expense of the item but again, it certainly should give him the incentive to lose weight!

I personally think that you over-reacted. Hubby comes home to you AND he communicates with you. You could do a LOT worse! If you over-react to stuff like this you will teach him to stop communicating/sharing. I think you owe him an apology... and, as Ruby said, send him to the gym or basement to get working out. Tell him losing is NOT an option! :D

Didi

My husband and his boss (who's female) made a bet on the Super Bowl. If her team won, he footed the bill for a massage, if his team won, he got the cash equivalent. His team won. It didn't really bother me.
But, I have to tell you, if he had made a bet to buy an expensive purse - I would have been so mad - and just because, I don't have one of those! :)

Are you upset about the money or are you upset about who he's made a bet with?
Is the jersey he is supposed to win $300? If he loses - tell him just to give her the $ and let her buy her own purse.

He obviously didn't think anything about - as far as being wrong- because he just brought it up in casual conversation. I would be worried if he didn't tell you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ggmagoo

I need some serious advice. Last night my husband and I were discussing our
day at work. He proceeds to mention to me that he and a female subordinate have
a wager on who can loose the most weight in one month. If he wins he will get
an Eddie George Jersey. If she wins she wanted a Coach purse. He then states “
that he didn't want to do that because it would be too expensive". At the end
of this comment, I am seeing red. I walked away to cool off, but later that
night I confronted him about this bet thing. I told him that he needs to set
clear boundaries with the women he works with. If this married women wants to
have a $300 purse she can ask her husband to give it to her and if he wants a
new jersey he has a wife he can ask. Am I off base? I feel it is entirely
inappropriate for a man to buy another man's wife a purse or anything else for
that matter and vise versa. Bet or no bet. What would her husband say if she
walks into the house with her new purse form her boss and how does he think I
would feel with him walking into the house with new clothes from a women at
work. He said I was over reacting, but he went silent when I asked him how he
would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.Did I over react or are there just
some things married people just shouldn't do. I don't think I should be ok with
my husband buying another women anything.

Thanks
GG

---

Thank you all for your advice. To clarify things I had no issue with him betting with her. The issue for me was the prize. I think the “prizes” were too personal. It should have been something that reflects and respect their professional relationship. For me the items may suggest more than just a friendly competition (to her). We have all worked in an office and this scenario could easily be misconstrued. This is not a bet with an entire team. Yes, I have pondered the thought as to whether I was being jealous or insecure. As some of you have suggested; there is more to this. Prior to our marriage my now husband cheated on me. With this particular girl (his married co-worker at that time) he also made a wager with her. Well she won the bet and as in this scenario he told me about it. He said to me that he was going take her out to dinner because she won the bet (we were boyfriend and girlfriend at the time). The dinner date never happened. So you may still conclude that I am jealous or even insecure, but for me I was being caution. I can not bear getting hurt like that again. I was naïve a stupid at the time and I promised myself I would not ignore the warning signs. I do not go off on him about any and every female he interacts with. If I did we would never have gotten married. This bet this was just too reminiscent of the past. I will talk to him about how I feel; we have been good about that. I have concluded that there is more than this bet thing that we need to discuss.

Most over-reactions come from fear of something. I think that your figuring it out, relating it to the feelings of the past incident and being willing to talk to him about your feelings, etc. is a positive step in the right directions. I surely can see why you were so upset.

I do think that your husband is trying to be as open and honest with you as he can be and that is a very positive step. Try to deal with feelings in your discussion (especially not blame!) and this whole thing might just strengthen your relationship.

Hugs,
Didi

I Don't Think Your Off Base. Your Right. Why Don't They Just Bet On Cash An Equal Amount Or Something. I Would Not Want My Man Shopping For Another Women.

It was a bet, so what if it was a women. Are you worried about him being friend's with women, if so you clearly don't trust him. What did he ever do to you to get that? It's a friend, they were making the day more interesting by making a bet. He said the purse was too much. So let it go. You seem way to insecure with your relationship, if I were you id figure things out. This may turn out to ruin your relationship and you could end up single. No man (inclueding my fiance) wants a women who's always worried about who he's hanging or talking with. TRUST is a big important thing in a marriage, if you don't have that then you have'nt got much of a marriage.